The Whole You

        "The irony is that we attempt to disown our difficult stories to appear more whole or more acceptable, but our wholeness- even our wholeheartedness- actually depends on the integration of all of our experiences, including the falls." - Brene Brown

The quote reflects the idea that what makes us whole is honoring the full story which depends on the integration of all of our experiences, even the painful and difficult ones.

When we ignore, hide, or refuse to acknowledge our difficult stories for the sake of something or someone, in order to gain acceptance, or because of fear of judgment and shame, we disown important parts of ourselves.

Discounting or disowning our thoughts, feelings, personality flaws, including our mistakes and failures, often creates the need to keep running from ourselves. The price we pay is a disconnected, detached, and dissatisfied relationship with ourselves, rather than a strong, positive, and balanced sense of who we are. 

The alternative to a disconnection from self is to stay present and accept the value in all our lived experiences, both good and bad. They shape who we are, and neither should be ignored. Your entire personal history, when faced through honest reflection, can lead to processing and incorporating your difficult stories into the larger narrative of your life in a way that brings about emotional maturity and stability. 

When you think about integration and wholeness in your own life, understand that both are lifelong, continuous journeys. Neither is a destination, but rather a flowing process of revisiting and reworking inner struggles to release painful emotions that hold us back. 

Whereas integration is about putting all the pieces of your life experience together to form a more complete picture of who you are, wholeness is a state of self-acceptance, self-awareness, and self-understanding that leads to a sense of being okay with yourself. 

Integration comes first, then wholeness. 

Moving toward psychological well-being through integration allows for a deeper understanding and awareness of ourselves in terms of who and where we are in life. The result is a more honest existence, both internally and externally. By choosing to be more genuine, we begin to notice a shift in our perspective, from showing only the parts of ourselves we like to presenting a more authentic self, with all its strengths, flaws, struggles and vulnerabilities. Staying true to yourself involves aligning your behaviors with this new awareness. Many, if not most, people find that consistently living by one's values can be quite challenging, requiring a commitment to practice and self-awareness. Still, the payoff is well worth it if the goal is to reduce internal struggle and feel at peace with yourself.   

Being open to self-kindness, self-acceptance, and understanding of all parts of yourself, both positive and negative, offers the opportunity to nurture the whole you. 

The irony is that when we face and accept the parts of ourselves we dislike, something quite remarkable happens: choosing to see them, expose them, and give them your attention changes the way we relate to them. They stop being things we fear, hate or feel shame about. Choosing to let go of the negative self-judgment we carry creates a path toward acceptance of what is, which means embracing your entire reality, including painful or difficult parts. From this perspective, you are working with reality, not against it. You work with your inner wounds rather than resisting or fighting them, for the benefit of improved wellness. 

Personal therapy is an effective approach that can help facilitate the integration of these difficult experiences, but it is by no means the only path to emotional recovery. Creative practices and activities such as journaling, drawing, painting, music, dance movement, yoga, walking meditation, mindfulness, and the emotional freedom technique, (EFT) tapping, to name just a few, can also support this process.

As you face and deal with past events, feelings and imperfections, you begin to create new understanding and meaning of what happened and you absorb the lessons learned without the same level of emotional intensity as before. The end result is a more balanced view of yourself and your life. Integrating our emotionally charged experiences helps us reframe and transform suffering into meaningful parts of our life story, allowing us to move forward with a deeper connection to self.

There is no question that integration offers an opportunity to better understand yourself by connecting present behaviors to past experiences, recognizing present triggers rooted in past history, and exploring ways to better navigate future challenges. It is important not to lose sight how the past is present.

We all carry inner wounds.  And even though pain is unavoidable, we can find ourselves through pain. No matter one's life story, there is within us a will toward health. It is up to each of us to proactively look at the totality of our life experiences to achieve emotional well-being. Learning to live with all of it is key to health. 

We cannot change the past, but we can integrate it to discover The Whole You.

Thank you for reading :)

  

  

  

  

The Paradox of Change

        "The Curious Paradox is That When I Accept Myself Just as I am, then I Change."
                                                             -Carl Rogers

The paradox of change is that it begins with acceptance of what is. It may sound counterintuitive, but true. 

Accepting yourself as you are, is how you start to change. Yes, you can accept yourself and still be open to change. 

Let's look at how two seemingly opposite ideas could be aligned and hold true.

We begin by reflecting on what self-acceptance is and is not.

Self-acceptance relates to how you respond to yourself- your thoughts, feelings and experiences. It is about having a healthy sense of self-worth despite perceived personal flaws, struggles or failures. Your inner conversations, also known as self-talk, can reveal your relationship with yourself and your behaviors. This mental chatter heavily influences how you feel and how you act. Be mindful of your opinion of yourself. It matters.

When we practice self-acceptance, we are accepting ourselves at the current moment with an understanding that for this time, this is true for you. We see ourselves as still learning and being ok about making mistakes. 

Accepting yourself as you are means being self-aware without the psychological stress to think, feel or be different, while understanding the need for change. Acknowledging where you are today without a negative self-focus is the first step to change. This often results in replacing a judgmental statement like "I will be good enough once I change" with a more neutral statement like " I have worth and value despite any imperfection."

You have a choice in every moment to change course, to think, feel and do something different at any time. You can choose differently today when you acknowledge what is happening now, where you are right now (mentally, emotionally and behaviorally) and pause to ask yourself, "How is that working out for me?" Is it helping or harming? The pause can help you regain control so that you can decide what to do next. You can also use the popular phrase, "It is what it is," right now.  What can I do going forward? These are just a few helpful ways we can make a mental shift and create a new experience for ourselves. 

Self-acceptance is an invitation to work with, not against what is and start from there without judgment. Seeing what we have to work with, not just what we lack, strengthens our ability to believe in ourselves and to see change as doable. It is an opportunity to develop a mature relationship with yourself, your behaviors and a more realistic response to life that includes hope. This process can lay the groundwork for positive change. 

There is a misguided belief by some, that self-acceptance is complacency. It is not.

Self-acceptance doesn't mean you stop working on personal goals and remain as you are. It does not mean you don't want to improve your mental health, nor does it give you an excuse to overlook negative thinking and self-defeating behavioral patterns.  

Instead, it is about ending the internal struggle with yourself.

The more you struggle with a negative self-perception the harder it is to make the change you desire. When someone has a poor self-concept about themselves, it often has its roots on their personal history and the story they tell about who they are. It is important to understand what has happened to you does not make you less worthy.

When you continually approach yourself with negative statements about who you are and where you are in life, you become vulnerable to certain emotional states that may include, unhappiness, disappointment, guilt, regret, self-blame, and comparisons to others, to name just a few. These intense emotions keep you stuck on why me, what is wrong and why am I not this or that mindset. 

Beating yourself up mentally does not work. You will lose every time. Attempting to make a change while already feeling emotionally drained often leads to going further down a rabbit hole. In other words, negativity begets negativity. 

It is exhausting to live with dissatisfaction and discontent about who you are, again and again. Prolonged negative thinking can cloud judgment and make it difficult to see that what we focus on is a choice.

Self-acceptance on the other hand quiets down the critical inner voice and allows you to see that your value goes beyond your struggles and what is going on around you.

Striking a balance between what you desire to change while focusing on your strengths and inner resources to give you something to build from sets the stage for true change. 

Self-acceptance is a learned skill that can be developed from a willingness and openness to have a healthier relationship with yourself. The next time you're struggling, try to remember, first, comes acceptance, then comes change.

It is in my opinion, a better path forward.

Thank you for reading :)

  

 

What is Hope?

                           
Hope is the thing with feathers
                                               
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

                   -Emily Dickinson

In this poem, Hope is metaphorically presented in the image of a little bird, characterized as being steady and unwavering. The tenacity of hope never stops singing its tune. Hope, for Dickinson, can weather the storm, see us through in the most difficult of times. 

Hope has wings, always ready to lift us with its strength. 

It lives inside you, always there; its presence can be heard and felt. Hope gives, never takes from us and the best part of all, it's available to all.

I've come to understand hope as essential to living. For me, connecting with hope is a necessity to my wellbeing; it plays a huge part in how I navigate life's uncertainties and unpredictability. 

I'm referring to a certain form of hope and expanding on the dictionary definition offered by Merriam-Webster: To expect with confidence, trust. 

A feeling of trust. But also, so much more.

My own thoughts on hope.

It is an inner knowing; not to be confused with optimism as they are not one in the same. Hope, as I see it, runs much deeper than thinking positively.

It's knowing that true hope comes from within and relying on intrinsic wisdom to serve as your guide. Believing and expecting you will find a way through life's challenges is the key to hope. 

My hope is not that things will change, but that I will, in time. 

To have hope, then, is to place our trust on the possibility of gaining new perspective, recognizing there are real options to choose from and making new choices. In this regard, hope is a choice. 

We choose how to respond to whatever life throws our way. The meaning we make from our suffering, whether past or present, is always a choice.

Real hope is looking at the pain and struggles of day-to-day life and accepting the possibility that how we think and feel today may be different tomorrow. 

In all our personal life stories, there is a beginning, middle and end. The end, however, is open to interpretation; open-ended, if you will. We can return again and again to adjust our perspective with new learning and understanding. This is a good thing.   

Another good thing is knowing that how we start out is not necessarily how we come out. For instance, hope isn't always the first thing I turn to, it's fear. But hope, is what I always return to. 

The middle is the way we cope with the reality of the present; the way we open to life or protect ourselves from it when it becomes too painful. If we choose to face our circumstances, I believe, each of us has the capacity to push through no matter your life situation and regain hope in ourselves.

After moments of fear, doubt, and denial, hope is what remains when the reality is not a great one. It serves as a resource, a strength, and a positive coping approach to help us tackle life's difficulties and come out stronger.

In many respects, hope involves having awareness that how you think, and what you do can influence how you feel, and this realization will help you see that you have some control over any set of circumstances. 

When you change how you view external circumstances, you change how you feel about it. This is a reason to hope.

However, keep in mind, hope, like change is not linear. There are twists and turns and plateaus. All of this can be really hard. Struggles with hope are not a sign of weakness; more often than not, they serve as a guide to reconnect with self. Be willing to do the work and be patient with yourself.

May you approach life with hope.

Thank you for reading!

                                               
                                            

                                                    

                                                  

"Hope for a Better Past"

 

I recently read, A Matter of Death and Life by Irvin D. Yalom and Marilyn Yalom. It is a deeply moving story touched by love, grief and loss. In one of the chapters, Dr. Yalom, makes reference to a popular maxim, "You Must Give Up the Hope for a Better Past." 

I couldn't help but think of how many of us replay the story of our past, get stuck there with a yearning hope that the past could have been different. 

This hope for a better past is a theme that plays out and runs deep in the course of therapy. For sure, the past is very important. It is, after all, what's brought us to this point, right here, right now. The past contains all the experiences we have had, all we have done and gone through. It has value because it happened and for this reason, remembering and retelling it can have a deeply cathartic impact on us. But we have to be careful that in remembering the past, we are not living it in the present. 

If you're still holding on to the hope for a better past, chances are you are stuck in your story. Chances are the story of your past is replaying in the present, and more likely than not, you are repeating the suffering but not working through it.

There's another way, however, to relate to the past.

What if instead of the hope for a better past, we honor it and work on accepting the past as past?

We can begin this process by giving credit where credit is due. Consider new ways of looking at the same old story. If you are going to use your past to explain your present troubles, give voice to the strengths, not just the struggles. Focusing on the hurt and pain is only part of it. The strengths and knowledge gained from these experiences is the other part.

 All of our life experiences have shaped the person we are today. But nothing is set in stone. We are all evolving and everything changes. Holding on to the hope for a better past is denying this truth and does not serve anyone in the long run.

For those who are looking to change personal life patterns consider this simple rule: acknowledge the good in you, build from that and keep reinforcing it in your present. Change will follow.

Although, the past is embedded in our memory, remember, it is past and cannot be undone. The best you can do with the past is respect it. It happened. You lived it. You survived it all. Now honor it because past experiences for good or ill can teach us how to live and be a better person.   

Another very important thing to do is to mourn the past. Mourn what you had, the things you missed out on and what you lost. This process will help you to get unstuck and move with all the parts of your life. Something we all deserve.

Our personal history and the stories that make us matter greatly for they have contributed to the person we are today, however, the extent of its influence on you, your actions, your life will ultimately depend on you.

You may choose to stay with the familiar and not give up the hope for a better past. If so, is it worth it?  Is it worth giving so much of your time and energy to the past and losing sight of your life today? 

I hope you consider the alternative: accepting where you are today while valuing the past for what it has given you- an improved and imperfect you. 

Thank you for reading!

 

 

 

 

 

Give Yourself Permission to Change Your Mind

       Each of us has the power to enter a new world. All we have to do is change our mind.

                                               Matt Haig, The Comfort Book

We forget, we are allowed to change our minds. Sometimes, we forget that we can. 

"The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any," said Alice Walker.  Remind yourself of that.

We all have access to this internal power. It is the inner strength of your mind, heart and spirit working together for your good. But this inner fuel needs a way out to work effectively in our lives. This release if you will, comes about in the form of a change of mind. 

Change your mind and enter a new world, aka perspective.

When we're experiencing emotional distress, the way to move that pain ultimately involves making a choice to be open enough to consider a change of mind. Only we can give ourselves permission to change the things that do not serve us. It is one's own choice. We begin here and go from there.

In my view, we can learn to see things in a new way; redefine what we know and believe about ourselves. We can choose new choices over the same old familiar ones. We can make different choices, based on what we've learned and know today. This is something I believe entirely.

What's holding you back?

Perhaps it's fear. Fear of change and the uncertainty that comes along with it. As stated earlier, we can choose new choices but not outcomes. 

You may be sticking with the sameness of life to avoid pain at the cost of feeling joy. 

Perhaps you're continuing a behavior because of the time, effort and energy you have invested.

You may be seeing your life through the lens of fear, rather than truth.

You don't trust what you know, sense and feel. The reality, however, is that we get into troubled waters when we trust others more than we trust ourselves to know what is right for us.

You are terrified of feeling the uncomfortable emotions like guilt, anxiety, anger, sadness, fear, loneliness, and so forth. So, what do you do instead? Engage in avoidant coping.

No doubt, change is scary, but consider the cost over time of not being happy with your choices and things remaining the same. Which is scarier?

Freeing yourself to experience more of life.

Consider the path you have chosen and ask yourself, how's that working?

Take yourself into account and get in the habit of acknowledging yourself, your life, and your reality. 

Whatever feels right to you, that's the thing to do.  

Live more in the present, be aware of your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations. Welcome all, including the undesired ones, with trust and acceptance, knowing that all are just passing through. Continue moving with your life in a way that is aligned with your core values. This acceptance of what you are experiencing internally and acting on what you value rather than what you fear, is defined as psychological flexibility. Believe me, it works wonders in helping us move on to a different place. 

Some final words of encouragement.

We all struggle in closing the gap between what we know to be true for us and how we act. 

Be patient. Stay open. Value yourself more. Trust what you know in your mind, heart and soul.

Stop limiting your choices.

Remember, life is about what you do but also about what you don't do. 

If you're not happy with your choices, ask yourself: What would happen if you gave yourself permission to change your mind?

Thank you for reading!

  

 

                                   

A Guarantee of Outcome

          
Whether it is in love, work, or life in general, we may desire change, but because we don't know how it will turn out, we choose to not take action.

The fear of an uncertain outcome is very common and is often at the root of what holds us back from doing the things we say we want to do.

A guarantee of outcome is what many of us think we need before we can move towards our heart's desires. While there are many different ways this belief creates our reality, I will share just a few examples where I see its' influence in our lives: when it comes to committing to love, connecting with others, ending relationships and starting new ones, pursuing our dreams, changing jobs, or just trying something new. 

As a therapist, I see this fear replaying over and over again with so many people. They want the guarantee...the sure thing, a certain outcome, an assurance before making a move. Basically, they hold out for a guarantee that does not exist. And by doing so, miss out on creating the life they really want.

Having such an outlook on life can give you a sense that life is passing you by. 

But what if you're the one who has been passing up on life's possibilities by continually seeing them as not good enough?

Why do we do this to ourselves?

Fear. 

We are afraid of going through pain, disappointment, and disillusionment. We are afraid that things may go horribly wrong, and then what? So, we choose not to go with the possibilities. Instead, we wait for the guarantee. We choose safe and familiar over change and uncertainty.

Fear is the driving force behind the need for a guaranteed outcome, and it manifests in our lives in the form of self-protection. The problem here, is in becoming too guarded and thereby limiting our choices.

The more we self-protect from life's uncertainties, the less inclined we are to try something that involves taking risks. 

What is the alternative?

A different perspective about Yourself.

Life is uncertain. Unpredictable. Always changing.  However, there is a way to live your best life possible knowing there are no guarantees at all. It all comes down to this: Trusting Yourself.

Trusting that you won't abandon yourself in your time of need. That, no matter what happens, you can count on yourself to face any situation. It's having a deep sense of faith about your ability to care for yourself knowing that within you there is a determined spirit to survive.

In the end, it's about betting on yourself rather than on a certain outcome. You are the sure thing and trusting that is an absolute necessity for a fulfilled life.

For many, this is a learning process, and that's okay. 

I hope you feel inspired to trust yourself more and be blown away by what you see!

Thank you for reading.

 

Look to This Day

 

Look to this day
For it is life,
The very life of life.
In its brief course lie all
The realities and verities of existence,
The bliss of growth,
The splendor of action,
The glory of power-

For yesterday is but a dream,
And tomorrow is only a vision,
But today, well lived,
Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.

                                 -Sanskrit Proverb

I read this poem every day as part of my morning ritual to remember my real life is happening today.

The message is quite simple: life is in the here and now moments.

The more I remind myself of this, the more I believe it, and the more I live it. 

We have a choice about what to focus on and how we are going to live. I choose Now. This perspective has made it easier for me to give priority to what is important and meaningful in my life. 

Today is the day to focus on. There is no other time more real than the here and now. You can think about the past, the future, or both, but you live now, the present moment. 

You can examine your past to learn from it; transform pain and heal old wounds, just don't stay there. You can look to the future, to plan and commit to what's important for you, but again, don't stay there. Come back to the moment. Being here, now, is where your life is happening. Don't miss out on it.

Staying focused in the present is the best strategy I know to help you worry less about what happened in the past and fear less what might happen in the future. If your attention is on today, life becomes more manageable and you will see that for today you are able to be with things as they are. 

You will inevitably have setbacks and challenges, but what matters most is how willing you are to come back to the moment. When we let past hurts or current and future concerns dominate our present, we allow depressive and anxious thoughts back in. 

Change can only happen in the present, and this is the only time we have any control over. 

What does it take to keep our attention on the here and now? Willingness to learn. Openness to try. Then do it. Practice: frequently (often), regularly (daily), and intensely (strong effort). 

Practice looking at "what is" not "what if." If you get stuck on the what ifs, tell yourself you will face whatever happens and get through it. You can also keep it simple and state the truth: these are just thoughts, not facts. Your mind is engaging in habitual behavior. That's all it is. These basic tools work to bring us closer to something we all want- peace of mind.

Accepting the moment as it is, invites inner-peace and clarity and allows us to see our path much clearer. Awareness with deeper understanding will begin to emerge, making the possibility of change a reality.  

Look to this day, for it is life, the very life of life!

Source: 
The original source is generally attributed to kalidasa, an Indian Sanskrit poet and playwright during the 4th-5th Century A.D.

The poem is widely available on the web with slight variations.

Thank you for reading.

The Law of Little Things

                               

                                 "Every little thing you do leads up to a bigger thing."
                                                          George St-Pierre

                                                           

The law of little things

I recently attended a webinar on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy led by Dr. Mardoche Sidor, of the SWEET Institute who spoke about the law of little things as it relates to promoting self-esteem. He was describing a simple behavioral tool that can help us move from point A to point B using the least amount of effort possible.

Applying the law of little things

According to Dr. Sidor, the way to apply the law of little things is to do the smallest things that you can in anything that you are doing to keep going and get it done. It is about breaking up the task/goal to the smallest step to keep going and keep doing-until you achieve your goal.

The law of little things is a simple and very doable approach that can make change in your life much more manageable. Another way of understanding this is by thinking of it as the least effort principle to get you to initiate change. It works.

When you can't seem to get started on the problem/task/goal

Focus on small decisions, small steps and small actions. All it takes is one step forward and you are on your way toward your goals. Why not take a moment to think of one tiny step you can take today, maybe right now.

What is the smallest thing you can do to get started on the problem/goal. Taking any initiative is key to making change happen.

We can tackle anything we set our mind to do including achieving a larger goal if we are willing to break it down into manageable parts. 

Whatever it is you want to accomplish, break the problem/goal into small steps. The more of these little steps you get done, the better you will feel about yourself. Your self-confidence will get a boost with each small victory and you will want to do more as you see yourself getting better.

Focus your attention on incremental change, improvements and progress, rather than the results. Don't worry about how long it will take you to complete the goal. Making progress on things that matter to you will do two very important things: increase motivation to keep going and create forward momentum. We all have motivation, we just have to find ways to tap into it.

Be consistent in your efforts and follow through. In other words, don't give up. Change happens bit by bit, not suddenly.

Should you experience setbacks and lose your course of direction, get back on track as quickly as you are able to.

Little by little we accomplish small, attainable goals and experience small successes that can lead to big change over time. Small steps add up and therein lies its power.

You can put the law of little things to work for you right now. All you have to do is take that first step and start small.

Remember, it's all about making progress and building on small wins which can bring on further wins. 

The next time you feel overwhelmed, remember the law of little things. This strategy will help you when your path is unclear and you're just trying to get through minute by minute, day by day. In times like these, give yourself little goals that are easier to reach to keep you going.

Thank you for reading!

 

Healthy Boundaries

 

Believe it or not, in my search for a really good definition of Boundary, the one source that in my opinion said it the best was by Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. 

"Personal Boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe, permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits."

Healthy boundaries is how we take care of ourselves in the context of our relationships with others. It is a form of self-love and self-respect that reveals your self-worth.

Unfortunately, there are those who minimize and even lose sight of how important boundaries are in all relationships. Many of these individuals have simply not learned how to set boundaries. They present a history of family dysfunction in which boundary violations were the norm. In such cases, families exercised either loose boundaries or very poor ones showing little to no regard for the right of privacy or respect of emotional and personal space.

The good news is that it's not too late to learn and start practicing healthy boundaries. At first, you may feel uncomfortable, guilty and unsure about communicating your boundaries and getting your needs met; however, in time, you will see it is your right and responsibility to let others know your limits. 

The following key phrases are often aligned with Good Boundaries: being clear with yourself and others on where you stand; knowing your bottom line; safeguarding your values and principles; protecting your self-esteem, individuality and the right to make your own choices; being clear on what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior from others; communicating how you want to be treated by others; maintaining a space of physical and emotional safety; and, taking responsibility for yourself, your own feelings and actions and allowing others to do the same for themselves. 

In short, we all have limits; these limits are called boundaries; it is our responsibility to communicate this to others.

Setting clear, healthy boundaries helps you define what is and isn't allowed in your life. It sends a strong message to others that you value yourself and will not accept less than you deserve. It's hard work, but the results are exactly what we need: feeling safe, stable and secured inside yourself.  

All this makes setting healthy boundaries a pretty big deal, don't you think?

To further illustrate just how important and necessary boundaries are in our self-care, I've included a selection of quotes that you can turn to when feeling confused and having a hard time.

"Boundaries are the lines we draw that marks off our autonomy and that of other people, that protect our privacy and that of others. Boundaries allow for intimate connection without dissolving or losing one's sense of self." - Amy Bloom

"It is necessary, and even vital, to set standards for your life and the people you allow in it."
                                                                                                                          - Mandy Hale

"You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won't accept." - Anna Taylor

"When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated."
                                                                                                                         - Brene Brown

"Whatever you are willing to put up with, is exactly what you will have." - Anonymous

"You get what you tolerate." - Henry Cloud

"Setting boundaries is a way of caring for myself. It doesn't make me mean, selfish, or uncaring just because I don't do things your way. I care about me too." - Christine Morgan

"The more severe the dysfunction you experienced growing up, the more difficult boundaries are for you." - David W. Earle

"Individuals set boundaries to feel safe, respected, and heard." - Pamela Cummins

"Boundaries need to be communicated first verbally and then with actions." - Henry Cloud

"Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others." - Brene Brown

"Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom." - Henry Cloud

Take care of yourself.

Thanks for reading!

 

Inner Resources

Faith is not a matter of trusting that events will always occur to our liking, but of trust that, whatever happens, our inner resources will be equal to the moment.  - John Robbins

Inner resource is defined as a resource provided by the mind or one's personal capabilities; a source of aid or support that may be drawn upon when needed.

Your inner resources are a part of you. They are what make you who you are. They are always there, ready to be called to action and work for you. 

We all have the ability to help ourselves, but to do this, we first need to know our inner strengths, bring them forward and trust in their invincible power to help us in our time of need. 

Our inner resources are developed as we face and go through life's hardships and decide not to give up. 

We have all endured and survived emotional pain. In life, none of us escape pain and all of us are survivors of it. What separates us is the extent to which we seek within during hard times. Going within is possible when we think well of ourselves and trust the teacher within.

Looking inside is not easy, but I have learned that once we do, we begin to see our character strength resources in the depth of our pain and learn to trust ourselves because of them.

The following are examples of inner resources we carry in our day-to day lives: courage, integrity, honesty, self-respect, gratitude, hope, capacity to love, optimism, perseverance, determination, creativity, forgiveness, compassion, resilience, openness, self-worth, self-restraint, patience, kindness, warm-heartedness, empathy, confidence, positive mindset, helpfulness, and grit to name just a few.

Are you able to recognize any of these in yourself? Can you come up with your own? If not, it's probably due to a limited view you have of yourself. Perhaps you are magnifying what is wrong with you and minimizing what is right. This unfortunately is more common than you think.

If you are willing to look back on your past, I am sure you will remember surviving tough times and how you got through challenging situations. If you have done this before, you can do it again. The truth is that the inner resources that saw us through then will see us through now.

The big question to ask yourself is what do you believe to be true of who you are.

Perhaps the bigger issue at hand is knowing that the person you need to understand is you. Doing this work will help you connect with your deeper self and this is where you will tap into your inner resources.

You will discover you can trust that whatever happens, your inner resources will be equal to the moment.

Thank you for reading!

Source: 

www.thefreedictionary.com

 

 

Having A Good Relationship

  Far too many people are looking for the right person, instead of trying to be the right person.

                                                          Gloria Steinem

I selected this quote for the simple reason that it is so apropos for a conversation on being good with ourselves. Granted, I'm sure the words by Ms. Steinem mean something different to different people, but as you will see, I have my own interpretation and as you may guess, it relates to having a good relationship with ourselves first and foremost before we can re-create that with others. This is, in my opinion what it means to do the right thing for ourselves in our own lives.  

Becoming your own right person is about being okay with who you are. Know this: when we are okay with ourselves, we are attracted to relationships that are generally healthy and good. Others who accept themselves for who they are will be attracted to us. The direct opposite is also true: when we are not okay with ourselves, we might pursue relationships that are unhealthy and unsatisfying or just not right for us. Others who are not in a good place with themselves will be attracted to us.

This is worth repeating: good relationships are more likely to occur when we have a good relationship with ourselves. We attract others that are similar to us on the inside. If we struggle in loving ourselves, we are likely to attract those who share the same struggle.

Your outside relationships reflect the relationship you have with yourself.

Here's what being okay with ourselves mean:

Being okay with our own insides. Accept yourself as you are. Stop denying or hating your human failings. When we acknowledge and expose our vulnerabilities, it changes to something other than shame.   

Accept your fears, inadequacies, faults, mistakes, imperfections and more; give voice to your strengths and achievements and love yourself for all of it. 

Get to know and like yourself, all of you. This way, you will have less resistance to work on the parts of you that need to heal and change. When we resist, sabotage and/or continue to repeat destructive patterns, we are really questioning and struggling with our sense of worth and value. 

Learn to give yourself love. Don't just talk about it, show it, and not by the things you have that are outside of yourself. Self-love runs deeper and is so much more than success, abundance and anything else one can buy. Love of self resides on the inside, but shines its' light on the outside. We know when it's there. Nothing quite like it. It's an intimate experience with ourselves that tells us we're in good hands. Our own.

When we are willing to see that our most important relationship in life is the one we have with ourselves, we are more open to looking after ourselves with love, understanding and compassion. We are more inclined to meet our own needs and this makes it so that we are not desperately looking for the right person. We clearly see, we are the right person. This not only improves our outside relationships, but opens the possibility of attracting others who are also their own right person in their lives.

Take care of what you have: you.

Thank you for reading!

 

Abandonment Fear

                    "My whole life I've had this fear that I was going to be abandoned"

                                                          Halle Berry

The fear of abandonment is much more common than people think. In fact, this fear is one we all share as part of being human. We have all experienced this fear to varying degrees at different times; however, for many people this fear has been consistently present in their lives reinforcing the pain of  loss that hurts and goes on hurting. That is, until we learn to stop acting on our fear and start understanding how to handle it differently. Yes, there is hope. We can have this fear, learn to live with it and not allow it to control our lives and sabotage our relationships. There is no quick fix, just self-commitment.

Root cause:

Abandonment fear often stems from childhood loss and traumatic events within your family but can also occur in adulthood in some cases. Perhaps you experienced the loss of a parent or partner through separation, divorce or death. You may have been abandoned or didn't get enough emotional or physical care by someone important in your life. You are left with the fear that abandonment will recur. The very thought of this happening again is one that terrifies you. Abandonment whether emotional or physical makes us question our self- worth and value to others. We struggle with feelings that we are not worthy of being loved, and not good enough. Early childhood experiences that leave us feeling unwanted, abandoned or rejected can lead to a fear of being abandoned by others later in life. The fear of abandonment can be so strong and pervasive and yet many who are in the grips of it can't fully see how it plays out in their lives with friends, family and romantic partners.

Fear of abandonment is linked to fear of intimacy. The deeper fear is the belief that you are unworthy of someone's love.

The struggle for intimacy is about wanting to connect with others but being terrified at the same time.

We may call it, avoidance of intimacy, relationship anxiety, commitment phobia, lack of desire to commit or fear of being trapped, but what's really behind all this is fear of abandonment for many.

Often times, the fear of commitment is a fear of abandonment.

People with fear of abandonment often exhibit behaviors to avoid and defend against the threat of being abandoned.

Here are some examples from my work with clients:

- Reluctant to fully commit.

- Romantic relationships tend to be short-term; this ensures you will not get too attached.

- Jealousy is almost always related to fear of abandonment.

- Staying in emotionally abusive or unsatisfying relationships to avoid the pain of abandonment or being alone.

- Unrealistic expectations of others which leads to disappointment on your end and ensures you will not let yourself get too comfortable with your partner. Your demands of your partner may be a way of pushing them away. 

- Quick to reject people before they can reject you.

- Maintain a relationship dynamic of overfunctioning/underfunctioning. The one who is afraid of being left is the one who is giving too much and working too hard.

- Trust issues. Those afraid of abandonment have difficulty trusting others. They may go out of their way to look and find reasons to justify their lack of trust. This may also lead to seeking partners who are untrustworthy which only serves to reinforce their lack of trust.

- Constant analyzing their partners' behavior so as to be one step ahead and not be blindsided. Some are quick to bring up anything they perceive as a possible threat to the relationship and this often creates stress early on.

- Tendency to focus more on the flaws of their partners and less on their strengths. This is a defense to keep emotional distance for self-protection. The emotional distance creates a sense of safety. Too close, too scary. Some distance makes it safer to be in the relationship. Here's the thing, by continuously pushing your partner away, they are more likely to leave you. 

- Anxiety about the possibility of being left. Persistent apprehension their partner will lose interest and leave. 

- There is a longing for a connection with others but also tremendous anguish being in a relationship because feeling attracted to someone triggers the fear.

- Attention seeking behaviors when they're not in a relationship. Those with fear of abandonment may struggle being alone and seek reassurance from others that they are lovable, desirable, and wanted. This need speaks to the painful feeling they are not good enough.

- They go from one relationship to another to avoid being alone. Aloneness triggers the pain of being left/ neglected/ unwanted/ not cared or loved by others.

- Abruptly ends a relationship at the first sight of problems to alleviate the anxiety that is building up over what they see as the beginning of the end. This action also gives them a sense of control over the possible abandonment they fear the most. 

- Avoid romantic relationships altogether because of their fear that it will end so why start.

- Instant relationships. They meet someone and right away they're in this relationship with someone they just met. This rush to form an instant connection with someone comes from a place of fear. Fear that if they don't move fast enough they will lose this person. It's a way of moving in fast and securing the connection. Once the connection is established the fear of abandonment resurfaces and plays out in the relationship.  

- Cheating on their partners is often related to a fear of being abandoned. It's a safety plan to avoid being alone and preparing ahead just in case their primary relationship ends. It's a way of trying to control their fear. In this instance, it is quite possible the person afraid of being left is sabotaging their own relationship by being unfaithful. It is another way of pushing their partner away but also testing them to see if they stay or they leave. 

- Emotional intimacy with others is very difficult for someone with abandonment fear. Therefore, they are likely to seek relationships repeatedly with people who are emotionally unavailable. This is very common and a red flag that the fear of abandonment exists. A relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable is not a complete relationship; it is part of a relationship which is experienced as less threatening for someone who is fearful of being abandoned/left. These partners are safe because they are unavailable to you. When the relationship ends or the partner leaves, the loss is not as devastating. If you are with someone who is emotionally unavailable this means you are off the hook from having to be fully present in the relationship. You can seek out your partner's love and affection, knowing that you probably won't get it. You can then fool yourself into thinking your partner is the problem, not you. You tell yourself, you tried, it's them, not you. The truth is, you both have issues with emotional intimacy. This relationship dynamic keeps the person who is afraid of abandonment in the cycle of abandonment because these relationships rarely work out. All too often, what gets played out is a  pattern of reenacting the original trauma. The person is left longing for a love they cannot seem to have. How painful is that? VERY PAINFUL.

Here is what you need to understand: emotionally unavailable partners may be treating you in a similar way as others did in your childhood. This is referred to the cycle of abandonment. This keeps the pain of the past very much in the present. Only you can interrupt the cycle of feeling unloved, unwanted, and unimportant. You do this by stopping yourself from pursuing emotionally unavailable partners. 

How to handle the fear of abandonment:

The operative word here is Handle abandonment fear, not free yourself of it completely. It's something you learn to manage so that it doesn't control you.

First things first, you must recognize that the fear of abandonment is real and begin to see how it's  impacting your life today. Then tell yourself it's understandable for you to have this fear because...

Accept the fear as part of your past, but have a new understanding of it. Nothing you did as a child could make someone you love go away. You did nothing wrong and you weren't the cause. Whoever abandoned you made their own choice to leave. 

Take full and complete responsibility for your wellbeing. Get professional help. Use the therapeutic relationship as a model for building tolerance for closeness and intimacy; learn positive ways of dealing with commitment and abandonment fears both of which are interrelated.

Take responsibility for your own thoughts about you and your life. 

Make the decision that you will do everything you can to break the unhealthy patterns of behavior and follow through. This requires getting to know yourself; observing yourself in action and changing how you think about yourself. The focus of change must be you.

Every day we make choices that affect our life. Make different choices for different results; stop acting on the fear and start facing it so you can see how it's keeping you more isolated and less connected to others. You can change this.

When your fear comes up, it is your responsibility, not your partner's to manage it. It is up to you to make yourself feel secured. You can learn to control your reactions to the fear.

Your own response to this fear is everything.

A few last words on healing your fear of abandonment:

Healing your fear of abandonment entails awareness, understanding and acceptance of you and your life. All of it. There is no such thing as a perfect childhood and none of us grow perfectly. You can choose to be happy or unhappy. It's not your past that's keeping you unhappy. It's you.

You can choose love and closeness.

Thank you for reading!

 

 

This One is a Keeper

Someone to Fall Back On

Jason Robert Brown

I'll never be

A knight in armor

With a sword in hand,

Or a kamikaze fighter;

Don't count on me 

To storm the barricades

And take a stand,

Or hold my ground;

You'll never see

Any scars or wounds-

I don't walk on coals,

I won't walk on water;

I am no prince,

I am no saint,

I am not anyone's wildest dream,

But I can stand behind 

And be someone to fall back on.

Some comedy-

You're bruised and beaten down

And I'm the one 

Who's looking for a favor.

Still, honestly,

You don't believe me

But the things I have

Are the things you need.

You look at me

Like I don't make sense,

Like a waste of time,

Like it serves no purpose-

I am no prince,

I am no saint,

And if that's what you believe you need,

You're wrong- you don't need much,

You need someone to fall back on...

And I'll be that...

I'll take your side.

If I'm the only one,

I'm use to that.

I've been alone,

I'd rather be

The half of us,

the least of you,

The best of me.

And I will be

Your prince,

I'll be your saint,

I will go crashing through fences

In your name. I will, I swear-

I'll be someone to fall back on!

I'll be the one who waits,

And for as long as you'll let me,

I will be the one you need.

I'll be someone to fall back on:

Your prince,

Your saint,

The one you believe you need

I'll be- I'll be

Someone to fall back on.

Source: Musiixmatch

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6qpvnSqoItU

This one is a keeper alright!

I hope you take a moment to listen to the song. It's more than just another love inspiring tune. The simple repeated sentiment of this song actually has a very strong therapeutic value and relevance to us all. 

So much so, that I thought it was worthwhile doing a breakdown of the song by focusing on the main idea being expressed lyrically.

Let's begin.

The big picture of what is being expressed throughout the song relates to romantic love, but more specifically, the words give voice to several key and essential traits of a good partner. And this for me, is the big takeaway.

Someone to Fall Back On is an important quality to look for in a love partner and to strive for in ourselves. 

The song starts out with a self-description of what this person is not. There is no wow effect going on here. He's not trying to impress with charm, fakeness or hype about himself. There's no instant passion or chemistry between them. He is not professing to be anyone's dream guy and in fact he knows he is not anyone's wildest dream. 

But underneath everything he is not, is everything he is. He can stand behind and be someone to fall back on.

He is willing to be emotionally vulnerable. There is straight talk and sincerity. He is presenting an authentic image of himself, not an inflated one. He is emotionally mature with a sense of security about who he is and what he has to offer. He is willing to go beyond the surface and in doing so, is taking a risk. His honesty and openness, shows respect for self and others. He doesn't have to captivate his partner to feel secured. He can stand behind and be.  He is someone she can count on and trust to be there. His presence is real and means so much more than just being there physically.

You're bruised and beaten down and I'm the one who's looking for a favor. 

He is able to see her, hear her and stay with her. In other words, he is not running away. He recognizes her emotional wounds and how they impact current behavior. Yet, he is willing to be by her side despite their differences because he owns his truth. The favor he is asking for is really for her benefit. It seems as if he is asking her to give him a chance and not blow him off so quickly, but he is clearly aware that what he has to offer is worth more than she knows.

Still, honestly, you don't believe me but the things I have are the things you need. You look at me like I don't make sense, like a waste of time, like it serves no purpose.

What he has to offer is exactly what she needs and so much more than what she tells herself she wants. He seems to know her and lets her know she is being seen, heard and understood for who she is. This is known as validation and is a core part of all healthy partnerships.

I am no prince, I am no saint, and if that's what you believe you need, you're wrong- you don't need much, you need someone to fall back on...

And I'll be that...

He knows what matters in a relationship- being emotionally present, emotionally connected, and open to intimacy. It's showing your love through actions. He is not afraid to love and commit to her and to the relationship. He is willing and able to show up for her and be that... 

I'll take your side. If  I'm the only one, I'm use to that. I've been alone, I'd rather be the half of us, the least of you, the best of me. And I'll be your prince, I'll be your saint, I will go crashing through fence  In your name I will, I swear... I'll be someone to fall back on.

He is now saying that if she were to let him in her heart, he will be her prince, saint and the one she needs for as long as she lets him. But he also reminds her, he can stand on his own. He knows how to be alone and can handle it. He will be ok, but would rather be with her. The overall message is that this is a man who is driven by love, not fear. It seems he understands the power of love and how it can bring out the best of someone. Loving deeply has a way of making someone want to be their very best for those they love. It's true. 

Ultimately, if a potential love interest or a current partner is really a keeper, you'll know by how they make you feel about yourself. Pay close attention to who you are, who you become, and how you feel when you're in their presence. 

Final thoughts:

You are more likely to appreciate a good partner when you are committed to working through your own inner conflicts rather than ignore, blame or run away from. 

Intensity and drama does not equate to love. In fact, romantic connections that move too fast, too soon, early on may be a sign that you're going the wrong way. Love is not fast paced; it is slow and steady and builds momentum as it progresses.

Don't ignore or minimize the red flags. 

People who are emotionally unavailable are emotionally disconnected from their emotions and closed off to intimacy; they can't handle their own feelings nor the feelings of others. Memorize this.

If you have a history of getting involved with emotionally unavailable partners, then perhaps, you too are emotionally unavailable. That would make you the common denominator wouldn't it?

 Attracting emotionally unavailable partners may indicate that you are not open with your own emotions. You may be too guarded and not comfortable showing vulnerability. If you hold back your emotions, you are not being real in your interactions with others.

The relationship we secretly have with ourselves: how we see ourselves, feel about ourselves and talk to ourselves is in my opinion the strongest deciding factor of the people we attract and keep in our lives.

Our relationships with others and especially a partner, reflect the relationship we have with ourselves. Unless we work on our issues, we will most likely select partners who can confirm our fears, negative beliefs, and mirror back to us our own negative qualities. When the relationship ends, you'll know the signs were there all along based on their actions. 

To break this pattern, you must learn to love and accept yourself deeply and completely. Once you believe in your worth and value who you are, you will recognize a keeper when you meet one and will know that you are one yourself.

Thank you for reading!

Holding Resentment

A Buddhist story on resentment

Once upon a time, there was a person who had some conflicts with his friend and they disliked each other as a result. The feeling of dislike made this person gloomy and unhappy.
"Why do you look so depressed and haggard today?" another person asked him.
He answered, "Someone slandered me and I don't have a way or the ability to retaliate. That is why I am feeling gloomy."
That person then told him, "I know there is such a dharani (mantra) that can cause harm to the person who made the slandering comments about you, but the shortcoming of doing so is that this mantra would hurt yourself first before hurting the other party."
Upon learning about this mantra, the man was very happy and said, "Please teach me! Although this method will hurt myself, I don't mind paying the price of hurting myself first as long as it hurts the other party."

What is resentment?

Resentment is defined as the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult.

It is a self-punishing behavior, not a self-protective reaction, as you may think. The resentful person may believe that they are protecting themselves against those who have harmed them by harboring anger and bitterness, but not so. No doubt these intense emotions build a wall of defense against those who have wronged you, but consider the fact that you are carrying around the emotional distress. You are in essence, holding the resentful feelings. Think about what this can do to you over time.

Holding resentment often turns to anger. This anger fuels the resentment and the more we resent others, the more anger builds in us until we reach a point of being stuck with it.

Resentment hurts us.

It will hurt us first before hurting others. Makes sense, doesn't it? After all, the resentful person may be replaying in their head, and even talking about the distressing event again and again and becoming stuck with their hurt and anger. Not to mention, the fact that the resentment we harbor against another who has wronged us serves to keeps us connected to them. Obviously, a connection of a negative kind does not do any good, most especially, when the resentment is for a long period of time.

Resentment can be short-lived or lasting; one is harmless and the other is not. It is a common emotion of which none of us are immune from feeling it.

There is nothing positive that comes from holding resentment.

Resentment has the power to keep us stuck in the past and this unfortunately, keeps its victimizing effects alive and strong. The reality is that living in the past does not allow for change and healing. Holding resentment distracts us from the responsibility we have to figure out what we need to do NOW to improve our lives.

When we resent people, we give them power over us. Resentment implies we have been hurt and can't get past it. This mentality makes us feel like a victim and may make it difficult to see we have choices.

Heal your resentment

If you are stuck in resentment against someone for past hurts, forgiveness can cut the ties that bind you to that pain. Forgiveness is not about letting someone off the hook, but more about letting yourself off the hook you've been on. An attitude of forgiveness helps us look for the good behind the behavior of others that has caused us harm. In other words, we look for what good has come from something painful. The pain you endured may have made you more resilient and determined to find peace and well-being. Because of that pain, you set out to overcome adversity and find a better way to live your life. This much is true, past hurts and pain can make us stronger and better because of it.

This is my favorite quote on forgiveness by Oprah Winfrey:

"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different, it's accepting the past for what it was and using this moment and this time to help yourself move forward."

We are free to choose how best to take care of ourselves without holding on to resentment.

Our healing comes from accepting the reality of the things we have done to hurt ourselves rather than from blaming others who have harmed us in some way. Blaming and condemning those who have wronged us ensures we will continue to hurt. It will also distract us from taking responsibility for what we are doing and how we are living.

All the woulda, coulda and shoulda isn't going to change what is happening now. A more meaningful approach is to be accountable for your actions at this moment and this time.

We can reflect on our past history for the purpose of learning and improving our present, but what a waste if all we do with it is to ask ourselves why, what if, and if only this or that, things would have turned out better and we would be happier.

We must process the things that have happened to us but we must also focus on the present.

Working through your old resentments is not the same as forgetting what happened. But here's the thing about healing: it allows us to remember what happened with new awareness and deeper understanding which then makes possible for the story we've been telling ourselves to change.

When it comes to resentment, two words are key: forgiveness and acceptance.

It is often said, forgiveness plays a significant factor in overcoming resentment. If you agree, then consider the importance of learning to forgive ourselves first so we can then forgive others. It may help to think about this.

In regards to acceptance, our healing comes from accepting what happened in the past. This means accepting most of us did not have ideal childhoods and that life is full of adversity and struggle. Again, I must say, we do ourselves a disservice by using our past to justify who we are and why our lives turned out the way it did. The alternative would be to learn from what happened to us, acknowledge the mistakes made along the way and commit to the process of making our future a better one.

Acceptance might be the best way out of resentment.

Sometimes, however, holding resentment is preferred because of the secondary gains. For starters, it gives us something to talk about. It also relieves us of taking responsibility for our role in what is happening in our lives now. Blaming others is much easier than holding ourselves accountable.

What we do with our resentments is a choice.

"It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters. When something happens, the only thing in your power is your attitude toward it; you can either accept it or resent it."
                                                                                                                            - Epictetus

The choice to let go of resentment

Work on yourself.

This means: acknowledge the feelings underneath the resentment and face them. Do you feel: shame, guilt, deep sorrow, abandoned, neglected, unloved and unworthy? Just know that your resentment is just the tip of the iceberg.

Deal with your feelings. All of them.

Connect with your sense of vulnerability. Willingness to honestly and sincerely examine our behaviors and relationships will help us to let go of resentment.

We can either hold on to resentment or challenge it. The choice may seem like an impossible one to make until you do it.

Thank you for reading!

Sources:

https://www.ignboards.com/threads/a-classic-buddhist-story-mutual-resentment-and-harm.454938647/

Dictionary.com

HOPE

HOPE
Music and Lyric by Jason Robert Brown

I come to sing a song about hope
I'm not inspired much right now, but even so
I came out here to sing a song
So here I go
I guess I think
That if I tinker long enough
One might appear
And look, it's here
One verse is done
The work's begun
I come to sing a song about hope
In spite of everything ridiculous and sad
Though I'm beyond belief, depressed, confused, and mad
Well, I got dressed
I underestimated how much that would take
I didn't break
Until right now
I sing of hope
And don't know how
So maybe I can substitute strength because I'm strong
I'm strong enough
I got through lots of things I didn't think I could
And so did you
I know that's true
And so, we sing a song about hope
Though I can't guarantee there's something real behind it
I have to try to show my daughters I can find it
And so today
When life is crazy, and impossible to bear
It must be there
Fear never wins
That's what I hope
See? I said hope
The work begins

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ngKrb8PHfM&app=desktop

I play this song every day. It's become part of my new daily routine to listen to the words and feel inspired to live with hope and not just fear. Just by playing the song, I am acting on hope. It is the small, positive choices repeated daily that can help us to take back some control during the COVID-19 pandemic.

Although, fear has become the new normal of how we react to the coronavirus, adding hope to the narrative can be exactly what we need to know that we will get through this together. This crisis is bringing out the best in people and if we take the time to notice, we just might call it Hope.

HOPE is somewhat difficult to define in tangible ways but here goes. This is my own personal translation of how we see it play out in our daily lives. Hope is what keeps us going in the most difficult of circumstances, such as what we are living with today. Hope is always available to us, but we must choose it. When we can't access it within ourselves, all we need to do is think about hope, talk about it, and the feeling of hope comes up. Perhaps, we need to ask someone to help us find it. Just by asking, The work begins.

HOPE is believing in something that you can't yet see, but know that it's possible. It is the belief that change is doable that helps us feel that good things will happen. I believe we need hope to go on living. Hope inspires us to expect and anticipate the things we truly want. It instills in us a feeling of optimism about creating our future. Hope is what motivates us to move forward.

Hope reminds us that life is worth living. It's the part of us that sees good, not just bad; joy, not just despair; laughter, not just sorrow; love, not just hate; healing, not just pain; togetherness, not just separateness, and so on. Hope allows us to see the best in our humanity.

On a deeper level hope helps us to define and give meaning to our struggles and setbacks, successes and failures, strengths and imperfections. Hope is the thing that makes it possible to face and endure life's ups and downs with courage and come out stronger, wiser and better because of it.

Hope as you can see, matters a lot.

Right now, everyone can use some hope. We are living through a global pandemic that has turned our lives upside down. There is fear of uncertainty and fear of actually dying from COVID-19. What we are experiencing for the most part, are normal reactions to abnormal events. Nothing about what is happening is normal and yet we still have to find a way to make sense of it. The facts alone are not enough to get us through what seems insurmountable and paralyzing. We need hope to balance out fear. We need to exercise our will and determination that fear is not how this story will end. There is something we all possess, something you might say is innate to our spiritual nature. That something is called HOPE.

May you be safe and well.

Thank you for reading!

The Anxiety Paradox

                             "What you resist not only persists but will grow in size."
                                                                                                 - Carl Jung

What is the anxiety paradox?

First off, let us define paradox. According to the Merriam Webster Dictionary, the word paradox means a statement that is seemingly contradictory or opposed to common sense and yet is perhaps true. In the case of anxiety, a paradoxical response to managing symptoms of anxiety is aimed at doing the opposite of what seems like common sense. In this scenario, the actions taken by the person experiencing a flare-up of symptoms related to anxiety seems contrary to logic.

The use of paradox in managing symptoms of anxiety.

It is an approach to anxiety in which we face our anxious thoughts, feelings and physical sensations in the moment. I like to think of it as a mindfulness coping strategy that can help us manage our anxiety by facing, accepting, and allowing our feelings to pass. It's a way of helping ourselves through bouts of anxiety by changing how we relate to the experience of it in the moment.

In this method, you take steps to manage the discomfort of anxiety while at the same time permitting the symptoms to exist. In other words, as you take action to alleviate the symptoms of anxiety, you tell yourself that it's ok having all of your feelings. You remind yourself there are things you can try to do and proceed accordingly to bring some relief. You take a wait and see approach without getting in a struggle with yourself. If your initial attempts don't seem to work, you continue to notice what you're experiencing and address symptom management as best you can without judgment or attachment to a specific resolution. It's all about allowing yourself to go through the experience in the most gentle way possible without fighting anxiety. It helps to go at it with an open mind and a willingness to take care of yourself and your needs in the moment. Most importantly, is having an attitude in which you are not surprised, nor upset with yourself for being anxious. This practice is all about befriending your anxiety rather than rejecting it.

You take care of the anxiety by accepting and allowing.

"Why?" you might ask. The short answer: What we resist will persist.

It is understandable to want to rid ourselves of the anxiety we are experiencing. We tell ourselves, we don't want this to be happening, so we naturally put up a resistance against it. But here's the thing, by taking a position of resistance, we are engaging with the anxiety negatively. We are inadvertently keeping these intrusive thoughts and feelings close to us and therefore holding on to the anxiety when what we really want to do is let go of it.

The more we fight the anxiety or struggle with it, the more it strengthens and the longer it stays with us. And conversely, the more we are willing to accept our anxiety and allow it to exist, the sooner it quiets down and passes.

Instead of avoiding the experience of anxiety, or distracting yourself from it by self-medicating on substances or other emotional numbing behaviors, this practice encourages you to accept that anxiety is a part of your life without judgment.

An example of how this practice translate into action:

When feeling anxious, you might turn to a self-soothing routine, such as deep breathing. We know that this exercise can help us to relax and feel calm and so we begin. We are aware of our anxiety in the moment, and are telling ourselves, it's ok. We have been through this experience before and just as we can anticipate an onset of symptoms, we can expect for them to subside. Your perspective is one of being ok with whatever the outcome is and your responsibility is simply to continue to look after yourself  as best you can with symptoms and all. No self-imposed pressure to make the anxiety go away. You face the distress, acknowledge the symptoms, accept what is happening right now, and experience the feelings until they pass. As you can see, this approach calls for self-discipline. It is a process of movement that has been found to lessen rather than intensify anxiety symptoms.

Many have discovered in their management of anxiety that resistance creates persistence. The more we are willing to accept our anxiety and allow it to be, the quicker it will start to quiet down. The opposite is also true, that the more we are unwilling to accept anxiety, the more it will intensify.

The more we fight with our anxiety inside our head, the worse we will feel.

Here is a common scenario of the merry-go-round of anxiety when we are fighting with ourselves:

We feel anxious and tell ourselves we don't want to be. We think we shouldn't feel this way. We start to become upset with ourselves for being anxious, and then more anxious because we're upset. Do you see where this is going? This is how anxiety usually operates in our mind, unless we make the decision to step off the merry-go-round ride and try something different.

Another adaptive strategy we can use to handle anxiety when it comes our way is to actually do the opposite of what anxious feelings are telling us to do.

Let's use the example of the coronavirus outbreak and the anxiety we are living with as a result. We are experiencing fear, anxiety, worry, panic all at once. Although, these are normal reactions to have, the responsibility rests on each of us to decide best practices in tolerating uncertainty. Your mind might be telling you to keep up with the latest news coverage in order to get back a sense of control. But, keep in mind, as you take in all the new developments and sad narratives, your anxiety levels are intensifying and you feel worse, not better. Perhaps, the best thing to do right now is for you to stop listening to your anxious thoughts and feelings and do the opposite which in this case means watching less news to bring down your anxiety. What this means is choosing to take actions that may be counterintuitive to our nature and our usual way of doing things. This strategy requires that we think and not simply act on impulse. We may feel a certain way, but we don't have to act on our feelings. Sometimes, the best approach with our anxious thoughts and feelings is the hardest- to do something differently for a different outcome or to just do nothing and see what happens. We may be pleasantly surprised to see our distressful symptoms subside sooner than later.

It's so important to keep our anxiety in perspective just like anything else in life.

It is my perspective that we need to love, honor, and accept ourselves, anxiety and all.

Thank you for reading!

Ground Yourself

The Act of Grounding    

 "Asking ourselves, 'Where am I right now?' gives us a chance to step outside the internal dialogue for a moment of peace. Look around you, take a deep breath and notice what you see, hear and feel. Present moment awareness is the point of power and choice. It frees us from our compulsive thoughts."  - Laura Harvey

The above quote illustrates a very common and simple grounding technique. I will say more on this, but first, let's understand in more detail what grounding is and how it works.

Bringing Mind and Body Back to the Present

To Ground Yourself is to bring yourself to the present moment- the here and now.

There are two things taking place simultaneously:

1. We shift our focus from inside our head/mind to the outside world. Rather than focusing on our intrusive negative thoughts and distressing emotions, we take deliberate steps to bring ourselves out of that negative mindset and instead, give our attention to what is happening to us physically in our bodies and around us in the present moment.

2. We use the five senses: sight, hearing, smell, taste and touch to connect us to the here and now.

Being Grounded

It is a coping strategy for many, a daily practice for others, and basically consists of simple things you can do to help DISTRACT you from internal distress and REFOCUS on what's happening in the present.

The aim of grounding is to help you find your calm.

There are many different strategies to choose from to get grounded. There is no one right way to ground yourself; the challenge is in finding what works for you. In this regard, grounding is viewed as a highly personal technique with many different ways to practice.

The Benefits of "Getting Grounded"

Grounding works well for those who become easily overwhelmed, have distressing thoughts and feelings, experience anxiety, anger or worry excessively. It can help with stressful thinking habits, interrupt negative thinking patterns and bring relief to those who tend to overthink situations/problems.

My Go-To Grounding Techniques

1. Pinch Me Therapy Dough is a portable stress reduction tool with an ocean scent; soft texture; hue blue soothing color; malleable;calming aromatherapy; massage between your fingers and squeeze away your worries and troubles.
2. Light a scented candle. Inhale the fragrance slowly; watch the candle burn and flickering flame.
3. Stress-fix essential oil; portable rollerball with an aroma of lavender and clary sage; apply inside your wrists and rub them together to spread the oil.
4. The five senses method. Identify five things you hear, four things you see, three things you can touch, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.
5. Bring up mental image of loved ones; look at photos of them; focus on the colors, expressions, background, and warm embrace.
6. Breathe deeply. Slowly inhale and exhale; count to 10 with each breath and repeat.
7. Relish a favorite food or drink. Notice its taste, smell and flavor; sip or chew slowly.
8. Eat a handful of almonds. Focus on the shape, feel the texture; put in you mouth and roll it around, chew it slowly and mindfully and notice how that feels.
9. Listen to music; sing along to a favorite tune. How does the song make you feel? What are the physical sensations and where do you feel them in your body?
10. Move your body; walk or jog; pay attention to how your body feels with each movement. Notice how it feels when you press your feet onto the floor; you can even count your steps.
11. Apply hand cream and massage your hands gently; notice the pleasant sensations of touch. I use Thymes Olive Leaf with a combination scent of wood and lavender flowers.
12. Focus on how your body feels; touch your chest and feel your heartbeat; check your pulse; caress your arms; give yourself a butterfly hug; wiggle your toes; stretch your legs and arms; massage the tension away.
13. Count backwards from 100.
14. Repeat mantras quietly to yourself. Some of my favorite ones are: "I am...(fine, well, wise),"I can...(do this, get through this),"Calm down," "Compassion, compassion, compassion."
15. Laugh loud, hard and feel your aliveness. I watch LeJuan James Youtuber. He perfectly captures the funny nuances of growing up Latino.
16. Humming a happy tune. A great way to calm your mind, slow down the thoughts and connect with inner peace. You get to hear and feel your voice in a way that is soothing.
17. Imagine yourself leaving the distressful thoughts and feelings behind. Picture yourself putting your painful feelings in a container with a lid. They are still there but you don't have to keep them up close. Imagine your thoughts as passing clouds; notice the movement and the distance between you and the thoughts as they pass by.
18. Go out and people watch; observe others in motion. Notice details; what do you see, hear and smell around you. Keep your eyes moving.
19. Sit with your pet; take them for a walk; play; caress; talk to them; snuggle. Great love therapy.
20. Call up a friend to talk to.
21. Play calming apps on your phone. I recommend: Calm, ZenView, and Relax for sounds, visual, and short meditations.
22. Take a long shower or bath; notice the water pressure, temperature and how the water feels on your body.
23. Tap your collarbone with your fingertips; the rhythmic tapping has a calming effect to lower anxiety.
24. Keep a grounding stone/rock handy to hold whenever. Run your fingers over it, look at its color, shape, and feel it as you move it around in your hands. Hold and really focus on it.
25. Remind yourself of where you are right now as in the quote above. State your name, your age , where you live, today's date and state what you are doing right now. It brings you back to the present.
26. Picture the voice and face of someone you love. Imagine them telling you exactly what you need to hear to help you calm down, feel safe and secured at this moment.
27. Make your own squeeze-ball. All you need is a midsize balloon, a funnel, flour and design a pliable, malleable any color you like ball. You can knead it, roll, massage and just play with it.
28. Find a comfortable chair to sit in and focus on your breath. Sit fully in your seat, using its arms for arm rest. Feel your chair under you; place both feet on the floor; How does your body feel sitting on that chair? Lean your back towards the chair; press your feet onto the floor; continue to breathe slowly and deeply; give your attention to the feeling of being fully supported by this chair. Now allow the tension to flow down from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet and release. Imagine different parts of your body releasing the tension as it makes its way out. Relax and gently breathe. When you are ready, bring yourself to the present moment. You can do this exercise with your eyes open or closed.
29. Touch something comfortable; favorite blanket, pillow, get into your comfy clothes; feel the softness on your body. Smell the scent and touch the texture.
30. Get a cold glass of water. Feel the coldness in your throat and how refreshing it feels.
31. Read a book or a magazine; listen to an audiobook.
32. Clean your home; do dishes; put your hands under running water; feel the sensation of water on your skin; focus on the task.

Grounding strategies are a must-do for those of us who want to feel calm, peaceful and centered in the moment.

I personally practice daily grounding strategies both at home as I start my day and at the office between sessions. All I can say is, what a difference in our day when we are well grounded.

So, what are you waiting for? Go get grounded.

Thank you for reading!

Your Calm Place

Calmness is a place we can visit as often as we need to. It is a place within us and therefore accessible to all of us when we choose it. 

We can do this using visual imagery. Creating a calm place you can go to internally whenever you need to is a wonderful tool for us to have. This calm place, also referred to as "safe place," is a relaxation technique you can do by yourself.* It's an exercise that can be helpful when feeling stressed and overwhelmed. You can use this self-help tool as a way of grounding yourself during a bout of anxiety or any other emotional disturbance flare-up.

Begin by creating a mental picture of a calm place. All you need is your imagination. Identify a personal oasis, if you will, of a place that feels comfortable, brings peace and gives you a sense of safety.

It may be a place you've been to before, somewhere you'd like to visit, or any place that you associate with peace and calmness.

Focus on the image, feel the emotions, and identify where in your body you feel the pleasing physical sensations.* This tool relies on the mind, body, and emotions connection for its effectiveness.

Make the picture more vivid and notice the details about being in this special place of comfort.

Some key questions to consider in creating your calm place:

What place brings you comfort? Are you alone or with others? What are you doing that makes you feel at ease? What about being there makes you feel safe and calm? Notice the thoughts that are coming up; How are you thinking? What pleasant physical sensations and emotions come up for you while imagining the calm place?

The more vivid the picture the better. You need to emotionally connect to this place and the more real you make it, the more likely, you will go to it internally whenever you need to relax.

Come up with a cue word that you can use to bring up that image, emotions, and sensations, anytime you need to. The word you choose should be a quick link to your calm place.

Once you have created your calm place, practice going there.

Find a comfortable, quiet place. Close your eyes, and focus on your breathing. Take a few slow and deep breaths. Bring up the cue word and visit your calm place.

Now, enjoy the peacefulness and tranquility. You can go there anytime, but you can also leave when you want to, just by opening your eyes, and bringing yourself back to the present moment.

Enjoy your creation!

Thank you for reading.

*Partially adapted from Francine Shapiro's Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing: Basic principles, protocols, and procedures.