Abandonment Fear

                    "My whole life I've had this fear that I was going to be abandoned"

                                                          Halle Berry

The fear of abandonment is much more common than people think. In fact, this fear is one we all share as part of being human. We have all experienced this fear to varying degrees at different times; however, for many people this fear has been consistently present in their lives reinforcing the pain of  loss that hurts and goes on hurting. That is, until we learn to stop acting on our fear and start understanding how to handle it differently. Yes, there is hope. We can have this fear, learn to live with it and not allow it to control our lives and sabotage our relationships. There is no quick fix, just self-commitment.

Root cause:

Abandonment fear often stems from childhood loss and traumatic events within your family but can also occur in adulthood in some cases. Perhaps you experienced the loss of a parent or partner through separation, divorce or death. You may have been abandoned or didn't get enough emotional or physical care by someone important in your life. You are left with the fear that abandonment will recur. The very thought of this happening again is one that terrifies you. Abandonment whether emotional or physical makes us question our self- worth and value to others. We struggle with feelings that we are not worthy of being loved, and not good enough. Early childhood experiences that leave us feeling unwanted, abandoned or rejected can lead to a fear of being abandoned by others later in life. The fear of abandonment can be so strong and pervasive and yet many who are in the grips of it can't fully see how it plays out in their lives with friends, family and romantic partners.

Fear of abandonment is linked to fear of intimacy. The deeper fear is the belief that you are unworthy of someone's love.

The struggle for intimacy is about wanting to connect with others but being terrified at the same time.

We may call it, avoidance of intimacy, relationship anxiety, commitment phobia, lack of desire to commit or fear of being trapped, but what's really behind all this is fear of abandonment for many.

Often times, the fear of commitment is a fear of abandonment.

People with fear of abandonment often exhibit behaviors to avoid and defend against the threat of being abandoned.

Here are some examples from my work with clients:

- Reluctant to fully commit.

- Romantic relationships tend to be short-term; this ensures you will not get too attached.

- Jealousy is almost always related to fear of abandonment.

- Staying in emotionally abusive or unsatisfying relationships to avoid the pain of abandonment or being alone.

- Unrealistic expectations of others which leads to disappointment on your end and ensures you will not let yourself get too comfortable with your partner. Your demands of your partner may be a way of pushing them away. 

- Quick to reject people before they can reject you.

- Maintain a relationship dynamic of overfunctioning/underfunctioning. The one who is afraid of being left is the one who is giving too much and working too hard.

- Trust issues. Those afraid of abandonment have difficulty trusting others. They may go out of their way to look and find reasons to justify their lack of trust. This may also lead to seeking partners who are untrustworthy which only serves to reinforce their lack of trust.

- Constant analyzing their partners' behavior so as to be one step ahead and not be blindsided. Some are quick to bring up anything they perceive as a possible threat to the relationship and this often creates stress early on.

- Tendency to focus more on the flaws of their partners and less on their strengths. This is a defense to keep emotional distance for self-protection. The emotional distance creates a sense of safety. Too close, too scary. Some distance makes it safer to be in the relationship. Here's the thing, by continuously pushing your partner away, they are more likely to leave you. 

- Anxiety about the possibility of being left. Persistent apprehension their partner will lose interest and leave. 

- There is a longing for a connection with others but also tremendous anguish being in a relationship because feeling attracted to someone triggers the fear.

- Attention seeking behaviors when they're not in a relationship. Those with fear of abandonment may struggle being alone and seek reassurance from others that they are lovable, desirable, and wanted. This need speaks to the painful feeling they are not good enough.

- They go from one relationship to another to avoid being alone. Aloneness triggers the pain of being left/ neglected/ unwanted/ not cared or loved by others.

- Abruptly ends a relationship at the first sight of problems to alleviate the anxiety that is building up over what they see as the beginning of the end. This action also gives them a sense of control over the possible abandonment they fear the most. 

- Avoid romantic relationships altogether because of their fear that it will end so why start.

- Instant relationships. They meet someone and right away they're in this relationship with someone they just met. This rush to form an instant connection with someone comes from a place of fear. Fear that if they don't move fast enough they will lose this person. It's a way of moving in fast and securing the connection. Once the connection is established the fear of abandonment resurfaces and plays out in the relationship.  

- Cheating on their partners is often related to a fear of being abandoned. It's a safety plan to avoid being alone and preparing ahead just in case their primary relationship ends. It's a way of trying to control their fear. In this instance, it is quite possible the person afraid of being left is sabotaging their own relationship by being unfaithful. It is another way of pushing their partner away but also testing them to see if they stay or they leave. 

- Emotional intimacy with others is very difficult for someone with abandonment fear. Therefore, they are likely to seek relationships repeatedly with people who are emotionally unavailable. This is very common and a red flag that the fear of abandonment exists. A relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable is not a complete relationship; it is part of a relationship which is experienced as less threatening for someone who is fearful of being abandoned/left. These partners are safe because they are unavailable to you. When the relationship ends or the partner leaves, the loss is not as devastating. If you are with someone who is emotionally unavailable this means you are off the hook from having to be fully present in the relationship. You can seek out your partner's love and affection, knowing that you probably won't get it. You can then fool yourself into thinking your partner is the problem, not you. You tell yourself, you tried, it's them, not you. The truth is, you both have issues with emotional intimacy. This relationship dynamic keeps the person who is afraid of abandonment in the cycle of abandonment because these relationships rarely work out. All too often, what gets played out is a  pattern of reenacting the original trauma. The person is left longing for a love they cannot seem to have. How painful is that? VERY PAINFUL.

Here is what you need to understand: emotionally unavailable partners may be treating you in a similar way as others did in your childhood. This is referred to the cycle of abandonment. This keeps the pain of the past very much in the present. Only you can interrupt the cycle of feeling unloved, unwanted, and unimportant. You do this by stopping yourself from pursuing emotionally unavailable partners. 

How to handle the fear of abandonment:

The operative word here is Handle abandonment fear, not free yourself of it completely. It's something you learn to manage so that it doesn't control you.

First things first, you must recognize that the fear of abandonment is real and begin to see how it's  impacting your life today. Then tell yourself it's understandable for you to have this fear because...

Accept the fear as part of your past, but have a new understanding of it. Nothing you did as a child could make someone you love go away. You did nothing wrong and you weren't the cause. Whoever abandoned you made their own choice to leave. 

Take full and complete responsibility for your wellbeing. Get professional help. Use the therapeutic relationship as a model for building tolerance for closeness and intimacy; learn positive ways of dealing with commitment and abandonment fears both of which are interrelated.

Take responsibility for your own thoughts about you and your life. 

Make the decision that you will do everything you can to break the unhealthy patterns of behavior and follow through. This requires getting to know yourself; observing yourself in action and changing how you think about yourself. The focus of change must be you.

Every day we make choices that affect our life. Make different choices for different results; stop acting on the fear and start facing it so you can see how it's keeping you more isolated and less connected to others. You can change this.

When your fear comes up, it is your responsibility, not your partner's to manage it. It is up to you to make yourself feel secured. You can learn to control your reactions to the fear.

Your own response to this fear is everything.

A few last words on healing your fear of abandonment:

Healing your fear of abandonment entails awareness, understanding and acceptance of you and your life. All of it. There is no such thing as a perfect childhood and none of us grow perfectly. You can choose to be happy or unhappy. It's not your past that's keeping you unhappy. It's you.

You can choose love and closeness.

Thank you for reading!