Once upon a time, there was a person who had some conflicts with his friend and they disliked each other as a result. The feeling of dislike made this person gloomy and unhappy.
"Why do you look so depressed and haggard today?" another person asked him.
He answered, "Someone slandered me and I don't have a way or the ability to retaliate. That is why I am feeling gloomy."
That person then told him, "I know there is such a dharani (mantra) that can cause harm to the person who made the slandering comments about you, but the shortcoming of doing so is that this mantra would hurt yourself first before hurting the other party."
Upon learning about this mantra, the man was very happy and said, "Please teach me! Although this method will hurt myself, I don't mind paying the price of hurting myself first as long as it hurts the other party."
What is resentment?
Resentment is defined as the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult.
It is a self-punishing behavior, not a self-protective reaction, as you may think. The resentful person may believe that they are protecting themselves against those who have harmed them by harboring anger and bitterness, but not so. No doubt these intense emotions build a wall of defense against those who have wronged you, but consider the fact that you are carrying around the emotional distress. You are in essence, holding the resentful feelings. Think about what this can do to you over time.
Holding resentment often turns to anger. This anger fuels the resentment and the more we resent others, the more anger builds in us until we reach a point of being stuck with it.
Resentment hurts us.
It will hurt us first before hurting others. Makes sense, doesn't it? After all, the resentful person may be replaying in their head, and even talking about the distressing event again and again and becoming stuck with their hurt and anger. Not to mention, the fact that the resentment we harbor against another who has wronged us serves to keeps us connected to them. Obviously, a connection of a negative kind does not do any good, most especially, when the resentment is for a long period of time.
Resentment can be short-lived or lasting; one is harmless and the other is not. It is a common emotion of which none of us are immune from feeling it.
There is nothing positive that comes from holding resentment.
Resentment has the power to keep us stuck in the past and this unfortunately, keeps its victimizing effects alive and strong. The reality is that living in the past does not allow for change and healing. Holding resentment distracts us from the responsibility we have to figure out what we need to do NOW to improve our lives.
When we resent people, we give them power over us. Resentment implies we have been hurt and can't get past it. This mentality makes us feel like a victim and may make it difficult to see we have choices.
Heal your resentment
If you are stuck in resentment against someone for past hurts, forgiveness can cut the ties that bind you to that pain. Forgiveness is not about letting someone off the hook, but more about letting yourself off the hook you've been on. An attitude of forgiveness helps us look for the good behind the behavior of others that has caused us harm. In other words, we look for what good has come from something painful. The pain you endured may have made you more resilient and determined to find peace and well-being. Because of that pain, you set out to overcome adversity and find a better way to live your life. This much is true, past hurts and pain can make us stronger and better because of it.
This is my favorite quote on forgiveness by Oprah Winfrey:
"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different, it's accepting the past for what it was and using this moment and this time to help yourself move forward."
We are free to choose how best to take care of ourselves without holding on to resentment.
Our healing comes from accepting the reality of the things we have done to hurt ourselves rather than from blaming others who have harmed us in some way. Blaming and condemning those who have wronged us ensures we will continue to hurt. It will also distract us from taking responsibility for what we are doing and how we are living.
All the woulda, coulda and shoulda isn't going to change what is happening now. A more meaningful approach is to be accountable for your actions at this moment and this time.
We can reflect on our past history for the purpose of learning and improving our present, but what a waste if all we do with it is to ask ourselves why, what if, and if only this or that, things would have turned out better and we would be happier.
We must process the things that have happened to us but we must also focus on the present.
Working through your old resentments is not the same as forgetting what happened. But here's the thing about healing: it allows us to remember what happened with new awareness and deeper understanding which then makes possible for the story we've been telling ourselves to change.
When it comes to resentment, two words are key: forgiveness and acceptance.
It is often said, forgiveness plays a significant factor in overcoming resentment. If you agree, then consider the importance of learning to forgive ourselves first so we can then forgive others. It may help to think about this.
In regards to acceptance, our healing comes from accepting what happened in the past. This means accepting most of us did not have ideal childhoods and that life is full of adversity and struggle. Again, I must say, we do ourselves a disservice by using our past to justify who we are and why our lives turned out the way it did. The alternative would be to learn from what happened to us, acknowledge the mistakes made along the way and commit to the process of making our future a better one.
Acceptance might be the best way out of resentment.
Sometimes, however, holding resentment is preferred because of the secondary gains. For starters, it gives us something to talk about. It also relieves us of taking responsibility for our role in what is happening in our lives now. Blaming others is much easier than holding ourselves accountable.
What we do with our resentments is a choice.
"It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters. When something happens, the only thing in your power is your attitude toward it; you can either accept it or resent it."
- Epictetus
The choice to let go of resentment
Work on yourself.
This means: acknowledge the feelings underneath the resentment and face them. Do you feel: shame, guilt, deep sorrow, abandoned, neglected, unloved and unworthy? Just know that your resentment is just the tip of the iceberg.
Deal with your feelings. All of them.
Connect with your sense of vulnerability. Willingness to honestly and sincerely examine our behaviors and relationships will help us to let go of resentment.
We can either hold on to resentment or challenge it. The choice may seem like an impossible one to make until you do it.
Thank you for reading!
Sources:
https://www.ignboards.com/threads/a-classic-buddhist-story-mutual-resentment-and-harm.454938647/
Dictionary.com
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