Healthy Boundaries

 

Believe it or not, in my search for a really good definition of Boundary, the one source that in my opinion said it the best was by Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. 

"Personal Boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe, permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits."

Healthy boundaries is how we take care of ourselves in the context of our relationships with others. It is a form of self-love and self-respect that reveals your self-worth.

Unfortunately, there are those who minimize and even lose sight of how important boundaries are in all relationships. Many of these individuals have simply not learned how to set boundaries. They present a history of family dysfunction in which boundary violations were the norm. In such cases, families exercised either loose boundaries or very poor ones showing little to no regard for the right of privacy or respect of emotional and personal space.

The good news is that it's not too late to learn and start practicing healthy boundaries. At first, you may feel uncomfortable, guilty and unsure about communicating your boundaries and getting your needs met; however, in time, you will see it is your right and responsibility to let others know your limits. 

The following key phrases are often aligned with Good Boundaries: being clear with yourself and others on where you stand; knowing your bottom line; safeguarding your values and principles; protecting your self-esteem, individuality and the right to make your own choices; being clear on what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior from others; communicating how you want to be treated by others; maintaining a space of physical and emotional safety; and, taking responsibility for yourself, your own feelings and actions and allowing others to do the same for themselves. 

In short, we all have limits; these limits are called boundaries; it is our responsibility to communicate this to others.

Setting clear, healthy boundaries helps you define what is and isn't allowed in your life. It sends a strong message to others that you value yourself and will not accept less than you deserve. It's hard work, but the results are exactly what we need: feeling safe, stable and secured inside yourself.  

All this makes setting healthy boundaries a pretty big deal, don't you think?

To further illustrate just how important and necessary boundaries are in our self-care, I've included a selection of quotes that you can turn to when feeling confused and having a hard time.

"Boundaries are the lines we draw that marks off our autonomy and that of other people, that protect our privacy and that of others. Boundaries allow for intimate connection without dissolving or losing one's sense of self." - Amy Bloom

"It is necessary, and even vital, to set standards for your life and the people you allow in it."
                                                                                                                          - Mandy Hale

"You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won't accept." - Anna Taylor

"When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated."
                                                                                                                         - Brene Brown

"Whatever you are willing to put up with, is exactly what you will have." - Anonymous

"You get what you tolerate." - Henry Cloud

"Setting boundaries is a way of caring for myself. It doesn't make me mean, selfish, or uncaring just because I don't do things your way. I care about me too." - Christine Morgan

"The more severe the dysfunction you experienced growing up, the more difficult boundaries are for you." - David W. Earle

"Individuals set boundaries to feel safe, respected, and heard." - Pamela Cummins

"Boundaries need to be communicated first verbally and then with actions." - Henry Cloud

"Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others." - Brene Brown

"Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom." - Henry Cloud

Take care of yourself.

Thanks for reading!

 

Inner Resources

Faith is not a matter of trusting that events will always occur to our liking, but of trust that, whatever happens, our inner resources will be equal to the moment.  - John Robbins

Inner resource is defined as a resource provided by the mind or one's personal capabilities; a source of aid or support that may be drawn upon when needed.

Your inner resources are a part of you. They are what make you who you are. They are always there, ready to be called to action and work for you. 

We all have the ability to help ourselves, but to do this, we first need to know our inner strengths, bring them forward and trust in their invincible power to help us in our time of need. 

Our inner resources are developed as we face and go through life's hardships and decide not to give up. 

We have all endured and survived emotional pain. In life, none of us escape pain and all of us are survivors of it. What separates us is the extent to which we seek within during hard times. Going within is possible when we think well of ourselves and trust the teacher within.

Looking inside is not easy, but I have learned that once we do, we begin to see our character strength resources in the depth of our pain and learn to trust ourselves because of them.

The following are examples of inner resources we carry in our day-to day lives: courage, integrity, honesty, self-respect, gratitude, hope, capacity to love, optimism, perseverance, determination, creativity, forgiveness, compassion, resilience, openness, self-worth, self-restraint, patience, kindness, warm-heartedness, empathy, confidence, positive mindset, helpfulness, and grit to name just a few.

Are you able to recognize any of these in yourself? Can you come up with your own? If not, it's probably due to a limited view you have of yourself. Perhaps you are magnifying what is wrong with you and minimizing what is right. This unfortunately is more common than you think.

If you are willing to look back on your past, I am sure you will remember surviving tough times and how you got through challenging situations. If you have done this before, you can do it again. The truth is that the inner resources that saw us through then will see us through now.

The big question to ask yourself is what do you believe to be true of who you are.

Perhaps the bigger issue at hand is knowing that the person you need to understand is you. Doing this work will help you connect with your deeper self and this is where you will tap into your inner resources.

You will discover you can trust that whatever happens, your inner resources will be equal to the moment.

Thank you for reading!

Source: 

www.thefreedictionary.com

 

 

Having A Good Relationship

  Far too many people are looking for the right person, instead of trying to be the right person.

                                                          Gloria Steinem

I selected this quote for the simple reason that it is so apropos for a conversation on being good with ourselves. Granted, I'm sure the words by Ms. Steinem mean something different to different people, but as you will see, I have my own interpretation and as you may guess, it relates to having a good relationship with ourselves first and foremost before we can re-create that with others. This is, in my opinion what it means to do the right thing for ourselves in our own lives.  

Becoming your own right person is about being okay with who you are. Know this: when we are okay with ourselves, we are attracted to relationships that are generally healthy and good. Others who accept themselves for who they are will be attracted to us. The direct opposite is also true: when we are not okay with ourselves, we might pursue relationships that are unhealthy and unsatisfying or just not right for us. Others who are not in a good place with themselves will be attracted to us.

This is worth repeating: good relationships are more likely to occur when we have a good relationship with ourselves. We attract others that are similar to us on the inside. If we struggle in loving ourselves, we are likely to attract those who share the same struggle.

Your outside relationships reflect the relationship you have with yourself.

Here's what being okay with ourselves mean:

Being okay with our own insides. Accept yourself as you are. Stop denying or hating your human failings. When we acknowledge and expose our vulnerabilities, it changes to something other than shame.   

Accept your fears, inadequacies, faults, mistakes, imperfections and more; give voice to your strengths and achievements and love yourself for all of it. 

Get to know and like yourself, all of you. This way, you will have less resistance to work on the parts of you that need to heal and change. When we resist, sabotage and/or continue to repeat destructive patterns, we are really questioning and struggling with our sense of worth and value. 

Learn to give yourself love. Don't just talk about it, show it, and not by the things you have that are outside of yourself. Self-love runs deeper and is so much more than success, abundance and anything else one can buy. Love of self resides on the inside, but shines its' light on the outside. We know when it's there. Nothing quite like it. It's an intimate experience with ourselves that tells us we're in good hands. Our own.

When we are willing to see that our most important relationship in life is the one we have with ourselves, we are more open to looking after ourselves with love, understanding and compassion. We are more inclined to meet our own needs and this makes it so that we are not desperately looking for the right person. We clearly see, we are the right person. This not only improves our outside relationships, but opens the possibility of attracting others who are also their own right person in their lives.

Take care of what you have: you.

Thank you for reading!

 

Abandonment Fear

                    "My whole life I've had this fear that I was going to be abandoned"

                                                          Halle Berry

The fear of abandonment is much more common than people think. In fact, this fear is one we all share as part of being human. We have all experienced this fear to varying degrees at different times; however, for many people this fear has been consistently present in their lives reinforcing the pain of  loss that hurts and goes on hurting. That is, until we learn to stop acting on our fear and start understanding how to handle it differently. Yes, there is hope. We can have this fear, learn to live with it and not allow it to control our lives and sabotage our relationships. There is no quick fix, just self-commitment.

Root cause:

Abandonment fear often stems from childhood loss and traumatic events within your family but can also occur in adulthood in some cases. Perhaps you experienced the loss of a parent or partner through separation, divorce or death. You may have been abandoned or didn't get enough emotional or physical care by someone important in your life. You are left with the fear that abandonment will recur. The very thought of this happening again is one that terrifies you. Abandonment whether emotional or physical makes us question our self- worth and value to others. We struggle with feelings that we are not worthy of being loved, and not good enough. Early childhood experiences that leave us feeling unwanted, abandoned or rejected can lead to a fear of being abandoned by others later in life. The fear of abandonment can be so strong and pervasive and yet many who are in the grips of it can't fully see how it plays out in their lives with friends, family and romantic partners.

Fear of abandonment is linked to fear of intimacy. The deeper fear is the belief that you are unworthy of someone's love.

The struggle for intimacy is about wanting to connect with others but being terrified at the same time.

We may call it, avoidance of intimacy, relationship anxiety, commitment phobia, lack of desire to commit or fear of being trapped, but what's really behind all this is fear of abandonment for many.

Often times, the fear of commitment is a fear of abandonment.

People with fear of abandonment often exhibit behaviors to avoid and defend against the threat of being abandoned.

Here are some examples from my work with clients:

- Reluctant to fully commit.

- Romantic relationships tend to be short-term; this ensures you will not get too attached.

- Jealousy is almost always related to fear of abandonment.

- Staying in emotionally abusive or unsatisfying relationships to avoid the pain of abandonment or being alone.

- Unrealistic expectations of others which leads to disappointment on your end and ensures you will not let yourself get too comfortable with your partner. Your demands of your partner may be a way of pushing them away. 

- Quick to reject people before they can reject you.

- Maintain a relationship dynamic of overfunctioning/underfunctioning. The one who is afraid of being left is the one who is giving too much and working too hard.

- Trust issues. Those afraid of abandonment have difficulty trusting others. They may go out of their way to look and find reasons to justify their lack of trust. This may also lead to seeking partners who are untrustworthy which only serves to reinforce their lack of trust.

- Constant analyzing their partners' behavior so as to be one step ahead and not be blindsided. Some are quick to bring up anything they perceive as a possible threat to the relationship and this often creates stress early on.

- Tendency to focus more on the flaws of their partners and less on their strengths. This is a defense to keep emotional distance for self-protection. The emotional distance creates a sense of safety. Too close, too scary. Some distance makes it safer to be in the relationship. Here's the thing, by continuously pushing your partner away, they are more likely to leave you. 

- Anxiety about the possibility of being left. Persistent apprehension their partner will lose interest and leave. 

- There is a longing for a connection with others but also tremendous anguish being in a relationship because feeling attracted to someone triggers the fear.

- Attention seeking behaviors when they're not in a relationship. Those with fear of abandonment may struggle being alone and seek reassurance from others that they are lovable, desirable, and wanted. This need speaks to the painful feeling they are not good enough.

- They go from one relationship to another to avoid being alone. Aloneness triggers the pain of being left/ neglected/ unwanted/ not cared or loved by others.

- Abruptly ends a relationship at the first sight of problems to alleviate the anxiety that is building up over what they see as the beginning of the end. This action also gives them a sense of control over the possible abandonment they fear the most. 

- Avoid romantic relationships altogether because of their fear that it will end so why start.

- Instant relationships. They meet someone and right away they're in this relationship with someone they just met. This rush to form an instant connection with someone comes from a place of fear. Fear that if they don't move fast enough they will lose this person. It's a way of moving in fast and securing the connection. Once the connection is established the fear of abandonment resurfaces and plays out in the relationship.  

- Cheating on their partners is often related to a fear of being abandoned. It's a safety plan to avoid being alone and preparing ahead just in case their primary relationship ends. It's a way of trying to control their fear. In this instance, it is quite possible the person afraid of being left is sabotaging their own relationship by being unfaithful. It is another way of pushing their partner away but also testing them to see if they stay or they leave. 

- Emotional intimacy with others is very difficult for someone with abandonment fear. Therefore, they are likely to seek relationships repeatedly with people who are emotionally unavailable. This is very common and a red flag that the fear of abandonment exists. A relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable is not a complete relationship; it is part of a relationship which is experienced as less threatening for someone who is fearful of being abandoned/left. These partners are safe because they are unavailable to you. When the relationship ends or the partner leaves, the loss is not as devastating. If you are with someone who is emotionally unavailable this means you are off the hook from having to be fully present in the relationship. You can seek out your partner's love and affection, knowing that you probably won't get it. You can then fool yourself into thinking your partner is the problem, not you. You tell yourself, you tried, it's them, not you. The truth is, you both have issues with emotional intimacy. This relationship dynamic keeps the person who is afraid of abandonment in the cycle of abandonment because these relationships rarely work out. All too often, what gets played out is a  pattern of reenacting the original trauma. The person is left longing for a love they cannot seem to have. How painful is that? VERY PAINFUL.

Here is what you need to understand: emotionally unavailable partners may be treating you in a similar way as others did in your childhood. This is referred to the cycle of abandonment. This keeps the pain of the past very much in the present. Only you can interrupt the cycle of feeling unloved, unwanted, and unimportant. You do this by stopping yourself from pursuing emotionally unavailable partners. 

How to handle the fear of abandonment:

The operative word here is Handle abandonment fear, not free yourself of it completely. It's something you learn to manage so that it doesn't control you.

First things first, you must recognize that the fear of abandonment is real and begin to see how it's  impacting your life today. Then tell yourself it's understandable for you to have this fear because...

Accept the fear as part of your past, but have a new understanding of it. Nothing you did as a child could make someone you love go away. You did nothing wrong and you weren't the cause. Whoever abandoned you made their own choice to leave. 

Take full and complete responsibility for your wellbeing. Get professional help. Use the therapeutic relationship as a model for building tolerance for closeness and intimacy; learn positive ways of dealing with commitment and abandonment fears both of which are interrelated.

Take responsibility for your own thoughts about you and your life. 

Make the decision that you will do everything you can to break the unhealthy patterns of behavior and follow through. This requires getting to know yourself; observing yourself in action and changing how you think about yourself. The focus of change must be you.

Every day we make choices that affect our life. Make different choices for different results; stop acting on the fear and start facing it so you can see how it's keeping you more isolated and less connected to others. You can change this.

When your fear comes up, it is your responsibility, not your partner's to manage it. It is up to you to make yourself feel secured. You can learn to control your reactions to the fear.

Your own response to this fear is everything.

A few last words on healing your fear of abandonment:

Healing your fear of abandonment entails awareness, understanding and acceptance of you and your life. All of it. There is no such thing as a perfect childhood and none of us grow perfectly. You can choose to be happy or unhappy. It's not your past that's keeping you unhappy. It's you.

You can choose love and closeness.

Thank you for reading!

 

 

This One is a Keeper

Someone to Fall Back On

Jason Robert Brown

I'll never be

A knight in armor

With a sword in hand,

Or a kamikaze fighter;

Don't count on me 

To storm the barricades

And take a stand,

Or hold my ground;

You'll never see

Any scars or wounds-

I don't walk on coals,

I won't walk on water;

I am no prince,

I am no saint,

I am not anyone's wildest dream,

But I can stand behind 

And be someone to fall back on.

Some comedy-

You're bruised and beaten down

And I'm the one 

Who's looking for a favor.

Still, honestly,

You don't believe me

But the things I have

Are the things you need.

You look at me

Like I don't make sense,

Like a waste of time,

Like it serves no purpose-

I am no prince,

I am no saint,

And if that's what you believe you need,

You're wrong- you don't need much,

You need someone to fall back on...

And I'll be that...

I'll take your side.

If I'm the only one,

I'm use to that.

I've been alone,

I'd rather be

The half of us,

the least of you,

The best of me.

And I will be

Your prince,

I'll be your saint,

I will go crashing through fences

In your name. I will, I swear-

I'll be someone to fall back on!

I'll be the one who waits,

And for as long as you'll let me,

I will be the one you need.

I'll be someone to fall back on:

Your prince,

Your saint,

The one you believe you need

I'll be- I'll be

Someone to fall back on.

Source: Musiixmatch

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6qpvnSqoItU

This one is a keeper alright!

I hope you take a moment to listen to the song. It's more than just another love inspiring tune. The simple repeated sentiment of this song actually has a very strong therapeutic value and relevance to us all. 

So much so, that I thought it was worthwhile doing a breakdown of the song by focusing on the main idea being expressed lyrically.

Let's begin.

The big picture of what is being expressed throughout the song relates to romantic love, but more specifically, the words give voice to several key and essential traits of a good partner. And this for me, is the big takeaway.

Someone to Fall Back On is an important quality to look for in a love partner and to strive for in ourselves. 

The song starts out with a self-description of what this person is not. There is no wow effect going on here. He's not trying to impress with charm, fakeness or hype about himself. There's no instant passion or chemistry between them. He is not professing to be anyone's dream guy and in fact he knows he is not anyone's wildest dream. 

But underneath everything he is not, is everything he is. He can stand behind and be someone to fall back on.

He is willing to be emotionally vulnerable. There is straight talk and sincerity. He is presenting an authentic image of himself, not an inflated one. He is emotionally mature with a sense of security about who he is and what he has to offer. He is willing to go beyond the surface and in doing so, is taking a risk. His honesty and openness, shows respect for self and others. He doesn't have to captivate his partner to feel secured. He can stand behind and be.  He is someone she can count on and trust to be there. His presence is real and means so much more than just being there physically.

You're bruised and beaten down and I'm the one who's looking for a favor. 

He is able to see her, hear her and stay with her. In other words, he is not running away. He recognizes her emotional wounds and how they impact current behavior. Yet, he is willing to be by her side despite their differences because he owns his truth. The favor he is asking for is really for her benefit. It seems as if he is asking her to give him a chance and not blow him off so quickly, but he is clearly aware that what he has to offer is worth more than she knows.

Still, honestly, you don't believe me but the things I have are the things you need. You look at me like I don't make sense, like a waste of time, like it serves no purpose.

What he has to offer is exactly what she needs and so much more than what she tells herself she wants. He seems to know her and lets her know she is being seen, heard and understood for who she is. This is known as validation and is a core part of all healthy partnerships.

I am no prince, I am no saint, and if that's what you believe you need, you're wrong- you don't need much, you need someone to fall back on...

And I'll be that...

He knows what matters in a relationship- being emotionally present, emotionally connected, and open to intimacy. It's showing your love through actions. He is not afraid to love and commit to her and to the relationship. He is willing and able to show up for her and be that... 

I'll take your side. If  I'm the only one, I'm use to that. I've been alone, I'd rather be the half of us, the least of you, the best of me. And I'll be your prince, I'll be your saint, I will go crashing through fence  In your name I will, I swear... I'll be someone to fall back on.

He is now saying that if she were to let him in her heart, he will be her prince, saint and the one she needs for as long as she lets him. But he also reminds her, he can stand on his own. He knows how to be alone and can handle it. He will be ok, but would rather be with her. The overall message is that this is a man who is driven by love, not fear. It seems he understands the power of love and how it can bring out the best of someone. Loving deeply has a way of making someone want to be their very best for those they love. It's true. 

Ultimately, if a potential love interest or a current partner is really a keeper, you'll know by how they make you feel about yourself. Pay close attention to who you are, who you become, and how you feel when you're in their presence. 

Final thoughts:

You are more likely to appreciate a good partner when you are committed to working through your own inner conflicts rather than ignore, blame or run away from. 

Intensity and drama does not equate to love. In fact, romantic connections that move too fast, too soon, early on may be a sign that you're going the wrong way. Love is not fast paced; it is slow and steady and builds momentum as it progresses.

Don't ignore or minimize the red flags. 

People who are emotionally unavailable are emotionally disconnected from their emotions and closed off to intimacy; they can't handle their own feelings nor the feelings of others. Memorize this.

If you have a history of getting involved with emotionally unavailable partners, then perhaps, you too are emotionally unavailable. That would make you the common denominator wouldn't it?

 Attracting emotionally unavailable partners may indicate that you are not open with your own emotions. You may be too guarded and not comfortable showing vulnerability. If you hold back your emotions, you are not being real in your interactions with others.

The relationship we secretly have with ourselves: how we see ourselves, feel about ourselves and talk to ourselves is in my opinion the strongest deciding factor of the people we attract and keep in our lives.

Our relationships with others and especially a partner, reflect the relationship we have with ourselves. Unless we work on our issues, we will most likely select partners who can confirm our fears, negative beliefs, and mirror back to us our own negative qualities. When the relationship ends, you'll know the signs were there all along based on their actions. 

To break this pattern, you must learn to love and accept yourself deeply and completely. Once you believe in your worth and value who you are, you will recognize a keeper when you meet one and will know that you are one yourself.

Thank you for reading!

Holding Resentment

A Buddhist story on resentment

Once upon a time, there was a person who had some conflicts with his friend and they disliked each other as a result. The feeling of dislike made this person gloomy and unhappy.
"Why do you look so depressed and haggard today?" another person asked him.
He answered, "Someone slandered me and I don't have a way or the ability to retaliate. That is why I am feeling gloomy."
That person then told him, "I know there is such a dharani (mantra) that can cause harm to the person who made the slandering comments about you, but the shortcoming of doing so is that this mantra would hurt yourself first before hurting the other party."
Upon learning about this mantra, the man was very happy and said, "Please teach me! Although this method will hurt myself, I don't mind paying the price of hurting myself first as long as it hurts the other party."

What is resentment?

Resentment is defined as the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult.

It is a self-punishing behavior, not a self-protective reaction, as you may think. The resentful person may believe that they are protecting themselves against those who have harmed them by harboring anger and bitterness, but not so. No doubt these intense emotions build a wall of defense against those who have wronged you, but consider the fact that you are carrying around the emotional distress. You are in essence, holding the resentful feelings. Think about what this can do to you over time.

Holding resentment often turns to anger. This anger fuels the resentment and the more we resent others, the more anger builds in us until we reach a point of being stuck with it.

Resentment hurts us.

It will hurt us first before hurting others. Makes sense, doesn't it? After all, the resentful person may be replaying in their head, and even talking about the distressing event again and again and becoming stuck with their hurt and anger. Not to mention, the fact that the resentment we harbor against another who has wronged us serves to keeps us connected to them. Obviously, a connection of a negative kind does not do any good, most especially, when the resentment is for a long period of time.

Resentment can be short-lived or lasting; one is harmless and the other is not. It is a common emotion of which none of us are immune from feeling it.

There is nothing positive that comes from holding resentment.

Resentment has the power to keep us stuck in the past and this unfortunately, keeps its victimizing effects alive and strong. The reality is that living in the past does not allow for change and healing. Holding resentment distracts us from the responsibility we have to figure out what we need to do NOW to improve our lives.

When we resent people, we give them power over us. Resentment implies we have been hurt and can't get past it. This mentality makes us feel like a victim and may make it difficult to see we have choices.

Heal your resentment

If you are stuck in resentment against someone for past hurts, forgiveness can cut the ties that bind you to that pain. Forgiveness is not about letting someone off the hook, but more about letting yourself off the hook you've been on. An attitude of forgiveness helps us look for the good behind the behavior of others that has caused us harm. In other words, we look for what good has come from something painful. The pain you endured may have made you more resilient and determined to find peace and well-being. Because of that pain, you set out to overcome adversity and find a better way to live your life. This much is true, past hurts and pain can make us stronger and better because of it.

This is my favorite quote on forgiveness by Oprah Winfrey:

"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different, it's accepting the past for what it was and using this moment and this time to help yourself move forward."

We are free to choose how best to take care of ourselves without holding on to resentment.

Our healing comes from accepting the reality of the things we have done to hurt ourselves rather than from blaming others who have harmed us in some way. Blaming and condemning those who have wronged us ensures we will continue to hurt. It will also distract us from taking responsibility for what we are doing and how we are living.

All the woulda, coulda and shoulda isn't going to change what is happening now. A more meaningful approach is to be accountable for your actions at this moment and this time.

We can reflect on our past history for the purpose of learning and improving our present, but what a waste if all we do with it is to ask ourselves why, what if, and if only this or that, things would have turned out better and we would be happier.

We must process the things that have happened to us but we must also focus on the present.

Working through your old resentments is not the same as forgetting what happened. But here's the thing about healing: it allows us to remember what happened with new awareness and deeper understanding which then makes possible for the story we've been telling ourselves to change.

When it comes to resentment, two words are key: forgiveness and acceptance.

It is often said, forgiveness plays a significant factor in overcoming resentment. If you agree, then consider the importance of learning to forgive ourselves first so we can then forgive others. It may help to think about this.

In regards to acceptance, our healing comes from accepting what happened in the past. This means accepting most of us did not have ideal childhoods and that life is full of adversity and struggle. Again, I must say, we do ourselves a disservice by using our past to justify who we are and why our lives turned out the way it did. The alternative would be to learn from what happened to us, acknowledge the mistakes made along the way and commit to the process of making our future a better one.

Acceptance might be the best way out of resentment.

Sometimes, however, holding resentment is preferred because of the secondary gains. For starters, it gives us something to talk about. It also relieves us of taking responsibility for our role in what is happening in our lives now. Blaming others is much easier than holding ourselves accountable.

What we do with our resentments is a choice.

"It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters. When something happens, the only thing in your power is your attitude toward it; you can either accept it or resent it."
                                                                                                                            - Epictetus

The choice to let go of resentment

Work on yourself.

This means: acknowledge the feelings underneath the resentment and face them. Do you feel: shame, guilt, deep sorrow, abandoned, neglected, unloved and unworthy? Just know that your resentment is just the tip of the iceberg.

Deal with your feelings. All of them.

Connect with your sense of vulnerability. Willingness to honestly and sincerely examine our behaviors and relationships will help us to let go of resentment.

We can either hold on to resentment or challenge it. The choice may seem like an impossible one to make until you do it.

Thank you for reading!

Sources:

https://www.ignboards.com/threads/a-classic-buddhist-story-mutual-resentment-and-harm.454938647/

Dictionary.com

HOPE

HOPE
Music and Lyric by Jason Robert Brown

I come to sing a song about hope
I'm not inspired much right now, but even so
I came out here to sing a song
So here I go
I guess I think
That if I tinker long enough
One might appear
And look, it's here
One verse is done
The work's begun
I come to sing a song about hope
In spite of everything ridiculous and sad
Though I'm beyond belief, depressed, confused, and mad
Well, I got dressed
I underestimated how much that would take
I didn't break
Until right now
I sing of hope
And don't know how
So maybe I can substitute strength because I'm strong
I'm strong enough
I got through lots of things I didn't think I could
And so did you
I know that's true
And so, we sing a song about hope
Though I can't guarantee there's something real behind it
I have to try to show my daughters I can find it
And so today
When life is crazy, and impossible to bear
It must be there
Fear never wins
That's what I hope
See? I said hope
The work begins

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ngKrb8PHfM&app=desktop

I play this song every day. It's become part of my new daily routine to listen to the words and feel inspired to live with hope and not just fear. Just by playing the song, I am acting on hope. It is the small, positive choices repeated daily that can help us to take back some control during the COVID-19 pandemic.

Although, fear has become the new normal of how we react to the coronavirus, adding hope to the narrative can be exactly what we need to know that we will get through this together. This crisis is bringing out the best in people and if we take the time to notice, we just might call it Hope.

HOPE is somewhat difficult to define in tangible ways but here goes. This is my own personal translation of how we see it play out in our daily lives. Hope is what keeps us going in the most difficult of circumstances, such as what we are living with today. Hope is always available to us, but we must choose it. When we can't access it within ourselves, all we need to do is think about hope, talk about it, and the feeling of hope comes up. Perhaps, we need to ask someone to help us find it. Just by asking, The work begins.

HOPE is believing in something that you can't yet see, but know that it's possible. It is the belief that change is doable that helps us feel that good things will happen. I believe we need hope to go on living. Hope inspires us to expect and anticipate the things we truly want. It instills in us a feeling of optimism about creating our future. Hope is what motivates us to move forward.

Hope reminds us that life is worth living. It's the part of us that sees good, not just bad; joy, not just despair; laughter, not just sorrow; love, not just hate; healing, not just pain; togetherness, not just separateness, and so on. Hope allows us to see the best in our humanity.

On a deeper level hope helps us to define and give meaning to our struggles and setbacks, successes and failures, strengths and imperfections. Hope is the thing that makes it possible to face and endure life's ups and downs with courage and come out stronger, wiser and better because of it.

Hope as you can see, matters a lot.

Right now, everyone can use some hope. We are living through a global pandemic that has turned our lives upside down. There is fear of uncertainty and fear of actually dying from COVID-19. What we are experiencing for the most part, are normal reactions to abnormal events. Nothing about what is happening is normal and yet we still have to find a way to make sense of it. The facts alone are not enough to get us through what seems insurmountable and paralyzing. We need hope to balance out fear. We need to exercise our will and determination that fear is not how this story will end. There is something we all possess, something you might say is innate to our spiritual nature. That something is called HOPE.

May you be safe and well.

Thank you for reading!

The Anxiety Paradox

                             "What you resist not only persists but will grow in size."
                                                                                                 - Carl Jung

What is the anxiety paradox?

First off, let us define paradox. According to the Merriam Webster Dictionary, the word paradox means a statement that is seemingly contradictory or opposed to common sense and yet is perhaps true. In the case of anxiety, a paradoxical response to managing symptoms of anxiety is aimed at doing the opposite of what seems like common sense. In this scenario, the actions taken by the person experiencing a flare-up of symptoms related to anxiety seems contrary to logic.

The use of paradox in managing symptoms of anxiety.

It is an approach to anxiety in which we face our anxious thoughts, feelings and physical sensations in the moment. I like to think of it as a mindfulness coping strategy that can help us manage our anxiety by facing, accepting, and allowing our feelings to pass. It's a way of helping ourselves through bouts of anxiety by changing how we relate to the experience of it in the moment.

In this method, you take steps to manage the discomfort of anxiety while at the same time permitting the symptoms to exist. In other words, as you take action to alleviate the symptoms of anxiety, you tell yourself that it's ok having all of your feelings. You remind yourself there are things you can try to do and proceed accordingly to bring some relief. You take a wait and see approach without getting in a struggle with yourself. If your initial attempts don't seem to work, you continue to notice what you're experiencing and address symptom management as best you can without judgment or attachment to a specific resolution. It's all about allowing yourself to go through the experience in the most gentle way possible without fighting anxiety. It helps to go at it with an open mind and a willingness to take care of yourself and your needs in the moment. Most importantly, is having an attitude in which you are not surprised, nor upset with yourself for being anxious. This practice is all about befriending your anxiety rather than rejecting it.

You take care of the anxiety by accepting and allowing.

"Why?" you might ask. The short answer: What we resist will persist.

It is understandable to want to rid ourselves of the anxiety we are experiencing. We tell ourselves, we don't want this to be happening, so we naturally put up a resistance against it. But here's the thing, by taking a position of resistance, we are engaging with the anxiety negatively. We are inadvertently keeping these intrusive thoughts and feelings close to us and therefore holding on to the anxiety when what we really want to do is let go of it.

The more we fight the anxiety or struggle with it, the more it strengthens and the longer it stays with us. And conversely, the more we are willing to accept our anxiety and allow it to exist, the sooner it quiets down and passes.

Instead of avoiding the experience of anxiety, or distracting yourself from it by self-medicating on substances or other emotional numbing behaviors, this practice encourages you to accept that anxiety is a part of your life without judgment.

An example of how this practice translate into action:

When feeling anxious, you might turn to a self-soothing routine, such as deep breathing. We know that this exercise can help us to relax and feel calm and so we begin. We are aware of our anxiety in the moment, and are telling ourselves, it's ok. We have been through this experience before and just as we can anticipate an onset of symptoms, we can expect for them to subside. Your perspective is one of being ok with whatever the outcome is and your responsibility is simply to continue to look after yourself  as best you can with symptoms and all. No self-imposed pressure to make the anxiety go away. You face the distress, acknowledge the symptoms, accept what is happening right now, and experience the feelings until they pass. As you can see, this approach calls for self-discipline. It is a process of movement that has been found to lessen rather than intensify anxiety symptoms.

Many have discovered in their management of anxiety that resistance creates persistence. The more we are willing to accept our anxiety and allow it to be, the quicker it will start to quiet down. The opposite is also true, that the more we are unwilling to accept anxiety, the more it will intensify.

The more we fight with our anxiety inside our head, the worse we will feel.

Here is a common scenario of the merry-go-round of anxiety when we are fighting with ourselves:

We feel anxious and tell ourselves we don't want to be. We think we shouldn't feel this way. We start to become upset with ourselves for being anxious, and then more anxious because we're upset. Do you see where this is going? This is how anxiety usually operates in our mind, unless we make the decision to step off the merry-go-round ride and try something different.

Another adaptive strategy we can use to handle anxiety when it comes our way is to actually do the opposite of what anxious feelings are telling us to do.

Let's use the example of the coronavirus outbreak and the anxiety we are living with as a result. We are experiencing fear, anxiety, worry, panic all at once. Although, these are normal reactions to have, the responsibility rests on each of us to decide best practices in tolerating uncertainty. Your mind might be telling you to keep up with the latest news coverage in order to get back a sense of control. But, keep in mind, as you take in all the new developments and sad narratives, your anxiety levels are intensifying and you feel worse, not better. Perhaps, the best thing to do right now is for you to stop listening to your anxious thoughts and feelings and do the opposite which in this case means watching less news to bring down your anxiety. What this means is choosing to take actions that may be counterintuitive to our nature and our usual way of doing things. This strategy requires that we think and not simply act on impulse. We may feel a certain way, but we don't have to act on our feelings. Sometimes, the best approach with our anxious thoughts and feelings is the hardest- to do something differently for a different outcome or to just do nothing and see what happens. We may be pleasantly surprised to see our distressful symptoms subside sooner than later.

It's so important to keep our anxiety in perspective just like anything else in life.

It is my perspective that we need to love, honor, and accept ourselves, anxiety and all.

Thank you for reading!

Ground Yourself

The Act of Grounding    

 "Asking ourselves, 'Where am I right now?' gives us a chance to step outside the internal dialogue for a moment of peace. Look around you, take a deep breath and notice what you see, hear and feel. Present moment awareness is the point of power and choice. It frees us from our compulsive thoughts."  - Laura Harvey

The above quote illustrates a very common and simple grounding technique. I will say more on this, but first, let's understand in more detail what grounding is and how it works.

Bringing Mind and Body Back to the Present

To Ground Yourself is to bring yourself to the present moment- the here and now.

There are two things taking place simultaneously:

1. We shift our focus from inside our head/mind to the outside world. Rather than focusing on our intrusive negative thoughts and distressing emotions, we take deliberate steps to bring ourselves out of that negative mindset and instead, give our attention to what is happening to us physically in our bodies and around us in the present moment.

2. We use the five senses: sight, hearing, smell, taste and touch to connect us to the here and now.

Being Grounded

It is a coping strategy for many, a daily practice for others, and basically consists of simple things you can do to help DISTRACT you from internal distress and REFOCUS on what's happening in the present.

The aim of grounding is to help you find your calm.

There are many different strategies to choose from to get grounded. There is no one right way to ground yourself; the challenge is in finding what works for you. In this regard, grounding is viewed as a highly personal technique with many different ways to practice.

The Benefits of "Getting Grounded"

Grounding works well for those who become easily overwhelmed, have distressing thoughts and feelings, experience anxiety, anger or worry excessively. It can help with stressful thinking habits, interrupt negative thinking patterns and bring relief to those who tend to overthink situations/problems.

My Go-To Grounding Techniques

1. Pinch Me Therapy Dough is a portable stress reduction tool with an ocean scent; soft texture; hue blue soothing color; malleable;calming aromatherapy; massage between your fingers and squeeze away your worries and troubles.
2. Light a scented candle. Inhale the fragrance slowly; watch the candle burn and flickering flame.
3. Stress-fix essential oil; portable rollerball with an aroma of lavender and clary sage; apply inside your wrists and rub them together to spread the oil.
4. The five senses method. Identify five things you hear, four things you see, three things you can touch, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.
5. Bring up mental image of loved ones; look at photos of them; focus on the colors, expressions, background, and warm embrace.
6. Breathe deeply. Slowly inhale and exhale; count to 10 with each breath and repeat.
7. Relish a favorite food or drink. Notice its taste, smell and flavor; sip or chew slowly.
8. Eat a handful of almonds. Focus on the shape, feel the texture; put in you mouth and roll it around, chew it slowly and mindfully and notice how that feels.
9. Listen to music; sing along to a favorite tune. How does the song make you feel? What are the physical sensations and where do you feel them in your body?
10. Move your body; walk or jog; pay attention to how your body feels with each movement. Notice how it feels when you press your feet onto the floor; you can even count your steps.
11. Apply hand cream and massage your hands gently; notice the pleasant sensations of touch. I use Thymes Olive Leaf with a combination scent of wood and lavender flowers.
12. Focus on how your body feels; touch your chest and feel your heartbeat; check your pulse; caress your arms; give yourself a butterfly hug; wiggle your toes; stretch your legs and arms; massage the tension away.
13. Count backwards from 100.
14. Repeat mantras quietly to yourself. Some of my favorite ones are: "I am...(fine, well, wise),"I can...(do this, get through this),"Calm down," "Compassion, compassion, compassion."
15. Laugh loud, hard and feel your aliveness. I watch LeJuan James Youtuber. He perfectly captures the funny nuances of growing up Latino.
16. Humming a happy tune. A great way to calm your mind, slow down the thoughts and connect with inner peace. You get to hear and feel your voice in a way that is soothing.
17. Imagine yourself leaving the distressful thoughts and feelings behind. Picture yourself putting your painful feelings in a container with a lid. They are still there but you don't have to keep them up close. Imagine your thoughts as passing clouds; notice the movement and the distance between you and the thoughts as they pass by.
18. Go out and people watch; observe others in motion. Notice details; what do you see, hear and smell around you. Keep your eyes moving.
19. Sit with your pet; take them for a walk; play; caress; talk to them; snuggle. Great love therapy.
20. Call up a friend to talk to.
21. Play calming apps on your phone. I recommend: Calm, ZenView, and Relax for sounds, visual, and short meditations.
22. Take a long shower or bath; notice the water pressure, temperature and how the water feels on your body.
23. Tap your collarbone with your fingertips; the rhythmic tapping has a calming effect to lower anxiety.
24. Keep a grounding stone/rock handy to hold whenever. Run your fingers over it, look at its color, shape, and feel it as you move it around in your hands. Hold and really focus on it.
25. Remind yourself of where you are right now as in the quote above. State your name, your age , where you live, today's date and state what you are doing right now. It brings you back to the present.
26. Picture the voice and face of someone you love. Imagine them telling you exactly what you need to hear to help you calm down, feel safe and secured at this moment.
27. Make your own squeeze-ball. All you need is a midsize balloon, a funnel, flour and design a pliable, malleable any color you like ball. You can knead it, roll, massage and just play with it.
28. Find a comfortable chair to sit in and focus on your breath. Sit fully in your seat, using its arms for arm rest. Feel your chair under you; place both feet on the floor; How does your body feel sitting on that chair? Lean your back towards the chair; press your feet onto the floor; continue to breathe slowly and deeply; give your attention to the feeling of being fully supported by this chair. Now allow the tension to flow down from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet and release. Imagine different parts of your body releasing the tension as it makes its way out. Relax and gently breathe. When you are ready, bring yourself to the present moment. You can do this exercise with your eyes open or closed.
29. Touch something comfortable; favorite blanket, pillow, get into your comfy clothes; feel the softness on your body. Smell the scent and touch the texture.
30. Get a cold glass of water. Feel the coldness in your throat and how refreshing it feels.
31. Read a book or a magazine; listen to an audiobook.
32. Clean your home; do dishes; put your hands under running water; feel the sensation of water on your skin; focus on the task.

Grounding strategies are a must-do for those of us who want to feel calm, peaceful and centered in the moment.

I personally practice daily grounding strategies both at home as I start my day and at the office between sessions. All I can say is, what a difference in our day when we are well grounded.

So, what are you waiting for? Go get grounded.

Thank you for reading!

Your Calm Place

Calmness is a place we can visit as often as we need to. It is a place within us and therefore accessible to all of us when we choose it. 

We can do this using visual imagery. Creating a calm place you can go to internally whenever you need to is a wonderful tool for us to have. This calm place, also referred to as "safe place," is a relaxation technique you can do by yourself.* It's an exercise that can be helpful when feeling stressed and overwhelmed. You can use this self-help tool as a way of grounding yourself during a bout of anxiety or any other emotional disturbance flare-up.

Begin by creating a mental picture of a calm place. All you need is your imagination. Identify a personal oasis, if you will, of a place that feels comfortable, brings peace and gives you a sense of safety.

It may be a place you've been to before, somewhere you'd like to visit, or any place that you associate with peace and calmness.

Focus on the image, feel the emotions, and identify where in your body you feel the pleasing physical sensations.* This tool relies on the mind, body, and emotions connection for its effectiveness.

Make the picture more vivid and notice the details about being in this special place of comfort.

Some key questions to consider in creating your calm place:

What place brings you comfort? Are you alone or with others? What are you doing that makes you feel at ease? What about being there makes you feel safe and calm? Notice the thoughts that are coming up; How are you thinking? What pleasant physical sensations and emotions come up for you while imagining the calm place?

The more vivid the picture the better. You need to emotionally connect to this place and the more real you make it, the more likely, you will go to it internally whenever you need to relax.

Come up with a cue word that you can use to bring up that image, emotions, and sensations, anytime you need to. The word you choose should be a quick link to your calm place.

Once you have created your calm place, practice going there.

Find a comfortable, quiet place. Close your eyes, and focus on your breathing. Take a few slow and deep breaths. Bring up the cue word and visit your calm place.

Now, enjoy the peacefulness and tranquility. You can go there anytime, but you can also leave when you want to, just by opening your eyes, and bringing yourself back to the present moment.

Enjoy your creation!

Thank you for reading.

*Partially adapted from Francine Shapiro's Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing: Basic principles, protocols, and procedures.