Look to This Day

 

Look to this day
For it is life,
The very life of life.
In its brief course lie all
The realities and verities of existence,
The bliss of growth,
The splendor of action,
The glory of power-

For yesterday is but a dream,
And tomorrow is only a vision,
But today, well lived,
Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.

                                 -Sanskrit Proverb

I read this poem every day as part of my morning ritual to remember my real life is happening today.

The message is quite simple: life is in the here and now moments.

The more I remind myself of this, the more I believe it, and the more I live it. 

We have a choice about what to focus on and how we are going to live. I choose Now. This perspective has made it easier for me to give priority to what is important and meaningful in my life. 

Today is the day to focus on. There is no other time more real than the here and now. You can think about the past, the future, or both, but you live now, the present moment. 

You can examine your past to learn from it; transform pain and heal old wounds, just don't stay there. You can look to the future, to plan and commit to what's important for you, but again, don't stay there. Come back to the moment. Being here, now, is where your life is happening. Don't miss out on it.

Staying focused in the present is the best strategy I know to help you worry less about what happened in the past and fear less what might happen in the future. If your attention is on today, life becomes more manageable and you will see that for today you are able to be with things as they are. 

You will inevitably have setbacks and challenges, but what matters most is how willing you are to come back to the moment. When we let past hurts or current and future concerns dominate our present, we allow depressive and anxious thoughts back in. 

Change can only happen in the present, and this is the only time we have any control over. 

What does it take to keep our attention on the here and now? Willingness to learn. Openness to try. Then do it. Practice: frequently (often), regularly (daily), and intensely (strong effort). 

Practice looking at "what is" not "what if." If you get stuck on the what ifs, tell yourself you will face whatever happens and get through it. You can also keep it simple and state the truth: these are just thoughts, not facts. Your mind is engaging in habitual behavior. That's all it is. These basic tools work to bring us closer to something we all want- peace of mind.

Accepting the moment as it is, invites inner-peace and clarity and allows us to see our path much clearer. Awareness with deeper understanding will begin to emerge, making the possibility of change a reality.  

Look to this day, for it is life, the very life of life!

Source: 
The original source is generally attributed to kalidasa, an Indian Sanskrit poet and playwright during the 4th-5th Century A.D.

The poem is widely available on the web with slight variations.

Thank you for reading.

The Law of Little Things

                               

                                 "Every little thing you do leads up to a bigger thing."
                                                          George St-Pierre

                                                           

The law of little things

I recently attended a webinar on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy led by Dr. Mardoche Sidor, of the SWEET Institute who spoke about the law of little things as it relates to promoting self-esteem. He was describing a simple behavioral tool that can help us move from point A to point B using the least amount of effort possible.

Applying the law of little things

According to Dr. Sidor, the way to apply the law of little things is to do the smallest things that you can in anything that you are doing to keep going and get it done. It is about breaking up the task/goal to the smallest step to keep going and keep doing-until you achieve your goal.

The law of little things is a simple and very doable approach that can make change in your life much more manageable. Another way of understanding this is by thinking of it as the least effort principle to get you to initiate change. It works.

When you can't seem to get started on the problem/task/goal

Focus on small decisions, small steps and small actions. All it takes is one step forward and you are on your way toward your goals. Why not take a moment to think of one tiny step you can take today, maybe right now.

What is the smallest thing you can do to get started on the problem/goal. Taking any initiative is key to making change happen.

We can tackle anything we set our mind to do including achieving a larger goal if we are willing to break it down into manageable parts. 

Whatever it is you want to accomplish, break the problem/goal into small steps. The more of these little steps you get done, the better you will feel about yourself. Your self-confidence will get a boost with each small victory and you will want to do more as you see yourself getting better.

Focus your attention on incremental change, improvements and progress, rather than the results. Don't worry about how long it will take you to complete the goal. Making progress on things that matter to you will do two very important things: increase motivation to keep going and create forward momentum. We all have motivation, we just have to find ways to tap into it.

Be consistent in your efforts and follow through. In other words, don't give up. Change happens bit by bit, not suddenly.

Should you experience setbacks and lose your course of direction, get back on track as quickly as you are able to.

Little by little we accomplish small, attainable goals and experience small successes that can lead to big change over time. Small steps add up and therein lies its power.

You can put the law of little things to work for you right now. All you have to do is take that first step and start small.

Remember, it's all about making progress and building on small wins which can bring on further wins. 

The next time you feel overwhelmed, remember the law of little things. This strategy will help you when your path is unclear and you're just trying to get through minute by minute, day by day. In times like these, give yourself little goals that are easier to reach to keep you going.

Thank you for reading!

 

Healthy Boundaries

 

Believe it or not, in my search for a really good definition of Boundary, the one source that in my opinion said it the best was by Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. 

"Personal Boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe, permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits."

Healthy boundaries is how we take care of ourselves in the context of our relationships with others. It is a form of self-love and self-respect that reveals your self-worth.

Unfortunately, there are those who minimize and even lose sight of how important boundaries are in all relationships. Many of these individuals have simply not learned how to set boundaries. They present a history of family dysfunction in which boundary violations were the norm. In such cases, families exercised either loose boundaries or very poor ones showing little to no regard for the right of privacy or respect of emotional and personal space.

The good news is that it's not too late to learn and start practicing healthy boundaries. At first, you may feel uncomfortable, guilty and unsure about communicating your boundaries and getting your needs met; however, in time, you will see it is your right and responsibility to let others know your limits. 

The following key phrases are often aligned with Good Boundaries: being clear with yourself and others on where you stand; knowing your bottom line; safeguarding your values and principles; protecting your self-esteem, individuality and the right to make your own choices; being clear on what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior from others; communicating how you want to be treated by others; maintaining a space of physical and emotional safety; and, taking responsibility for yourself, your own feelings and actions and allowing others to do the same for themselves. 

In short, we all have limits; these limits are called boundaries; it is our responsibility to communicate this to others.

Setting clear, healthy boundaries helps you define what is and isn't allowed in your life. It sends a strong message to others that you value yourself and will not accept less than you deserve. It's hard work, but the results are exactly what we need: feeling safe, stable and secured inside yourself.  

All this makes setting healthy boundaries a pretty big deal, don't you think?

To further illustrate just how important and necessary boundaries are in our self-care, I've included a selection of quotes that you can turn to when feeling confused and having a hard time.

"Boundaries are the lines we draw that marks off our autonomy and that of other people, that protect our privacy and that of others. Boundaries allow for intimate connection without dissolving or losing one's sense of self." - Amy Bloom

"It is necessary, and even vital, to set standards for your life and the people you allow in it."
                                                                                                                          - Mandy Hale

"You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won't accept." - Anna Taylor

"When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated."
                                                                                                                         - Brene Brown

"Whatever you are willing to put up with, is exactly what you will have." - Anonymous

"You get what you tolerate." - Henry Cloud

"Setting boundaries is a way of caring for myself. It doesn't make me mean, selfish, or uncaring just because I don't do things your way. I care about me too." - Christine Morgan

"The more severe the dysfunction you experienced growing up, the more difficult boundaries are for you." - David W. Earle

"Individuals set boundaries to feel safe, respected, and heard." - Pamela Cummins

"Boundaries need to be communicated first verbally and then with actions." - Henry Cloud

"Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others." - Brene Brown

"Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom." - Henry Cloud

Take care of yourself.

Thanks for reading!

 

Inner Resources

Faith is not a matter of trusting that events will always occur to our liking, but of trust that, whatever happens, our inner resources will be equal to the moment.  - John Robbins

Inner resource is defined as a resource provided by the mind or one's personal capabilities; a source of aid or support that may be drawn upon when needed.

Your inner resources are a part of you. They are what make you who you are. They are always there, ready to be called to action and work for you. 

We all have the ability to help ourselves, but to do this, we first need to know our inner strengths, bring them forward and trust in their invincible power to help us in our time of need. 

Our inner resources are developed as we face and go through life's hardships and decide not to give up. 

We have all endured and survived emotional pain. In life, none of us escape pain and all of us are survivors of it. What separates us is the extent to which we seek within during hard times. Going within is possible when we think well of ourselves and trust the teacher within.

Looking inside is not easy, but I have learned that once we do, we begin to see our character strength resources in the depth of our pain and learn to trust ourselves because of them.

The following are examples of inner resources we carry in our day-to day lives: courage, integrity, honesty, self-respect, gratitude, hope, capacity to love, optimism, perseverance, determination, creativity, forgiveness, compassion, resilience, openness, self-worth, self-restraint, patience, kindness, warm-heartedness, empathy, confidence, positive mindset, helpfulness, and grit to name just a few.

Are you able to recognize any of these in yourself? Can you come up with your own? If not, it's probably due to a limited view you have of yourself. Perhaps you are magnifying what is wrong with you and minimizing what is right. This unfortunately is more common than you think.

If you are willing to look back on your past, I am sure you will remember surviving tough times and how you got through challenging situations. If you have done this before, you can do it again. The truth is that the inner resources that saw us through then will see us through now.

The big question to ask yourself is what do you believe to be true of who you are.

Perhaps the bigger issue at hand is knowing that the person you need to understand is you. Doing this work will help you connect with your deeper self and this is where you will tap into your inner resources.

You will discover you can trust that whatever happens, your inner resources will be equal to the moment.

Thank you for reading!

Source: 

www.thefreedictionary.com

 

 

Having A Good Relationship

  Far too many people are looking for the right person, instead of trying to be the right person.

                                                          Gloria Steinem

I selected this quote for the simple reason that it is so apropos for a conversation on being good with ourselves. Granted, I'm sure the words by Ms. Steinem mean something different to different people, but as you will see, I have my own interpretation and as you may guess, it relates to having a good relationship with ourselves first and foremost before we can re-create that with others. This is, in my opinion what it means to do the right thing for ourselves in our own lives.  

Becoming your own right person is about being okay with who you are. Know this: when we are okay with ourselves, we are attracted to relationships that are generally healthy and good. Others who accept themselves for who they are will be attracted to us. The direct opposite is also true: when we are not okay with ourselves, we might pursue relationships that are unhealthy and unsatisfying or just not right for us. Others who are not in a good place with themselves will be attracted to us.

This is worth repeating: good relationships are more likely to occur when we have a good relationship with ourselves. We attract others that are similar to us on the inside. If we struggle in loving ourselves, we are likely to attract those who share the same struggle.

Your outside relationships reflect the relationship you have with yourself.

Here's what being okay with ourselves mean:

Being okay with our own insides. Accept yourself as you are. Stop denying or hating your human failings. When we acknowledge and expose our vulnerabilities, it changes to something other than shame.   

Accept your fears, inadequacies, faults, mistakes, imperfections and more; give voice to your strengths and achievements and love yourself for all of it. 

Get to know and like yourself, all of you. This way, you will have less resistance to work on the parts of you that need to heal and change. When we resist, sabotage and/or continue to repeat destructive patterns, we are really questioning and struggling with our sense of worth and value. 

Learn to give yourself love. Don't just talk about it, show it, and not by the things you have that are outside of yourself. Self-love runs deeper and is so much more than success, abundance and anything else one can buy. Love of self resides on the inside, but shines its' light on the outside. We know when it's there. Nothing quite like it. It's an intimate experience with ourselves that tells us we're in good hands. Our own.

When we are willing to see that our most important relationship in life is the one we have with ourselves, we are more open to looking after ourselves with love, understanding and compassion. We are more inclined to meet our own needs and this makes it so that we are not desperately looking for the right person. We clearly see, we are the right person. This not only improves our outside relationships, but opens the possibility of attracting others who are also their own right person in their lives.

Take care of what you have: you.

Thank you for reading!

 

Abandonment Fear

                    "My whole life I've had this fear that I was going to be abandoned"

                                                          Halle Berry

The fear of abandonment is much more common than people think. In fact, this fear is one we all share as part of being human. We have all experienced this fear to varying degrees at different times; however, for many people this fear has been consistently present in their lives reinforcing the pain of  loss that hurts and goes on hurting. That is, until we learn to stop acting on our fear and start understanding how to handle it differently. Yes, there is hope. We can have this fear, learn to live with it and not allow it to control our lives and sabotage our relationships. There is no quick fix, just self-commitment.

Root cause:

Abandonment fear often stems from childhood loss and traumatic events within your family but can also occur in adulthood in some cases. Perhaps you experienced the loss of a parent or partner through separation, divorce or death. You may have been abandoned or didn't get enough emotional or physical care by someone important in your life. You are left with the fear that abandonment will recur. The very thought of this happening again is one that terrifies you. Abandonment whether emotional or physical makes us question our self- worth and value to others. We struggle with feelings that we are not worthy of being loved, and not good enough. Early childhood experiences that leave us feeling unwanted, abandoned or rejected can lead to a fear of being abandoned by others later in life. The fear of abandonment can be so strong and pervasive and yet many who are in the grips of it can't fully see how it plays out in their lives with friends, family and romantic partners.

Fear of abandonment is linked to fear of intimacy. The deeper fear is the belief that you are unworthy of someone's love.

The struggle for intimacy is about wanting to connect with others but being terrified at the same time.

We may call it, avoidance of intimacy, relationship anxiety, commitment phobia, lack of desire to commit or fear of being trapped, but what's really behind all this is fear of abandonment for many.

Often times, the fear of commitment is a fear of abandonment.

People with fear of abandonment often exhibit behaviors to avoid and defend against the threat of being abandoned.

Here are some examples from my work with clients:

- Reluctant to fully commit.

- Romantic relationships tend to be short-term; this ensures you will not get too attached.

- Jealousy is almost always related to fear of abandonment.

- Staying in emotionally abusive or unsatisfying relationships to avoid the pain of abandonment or being alone.

- Unrealistic expectations of others which leads to disappointment on your end and ensures you will not let yourself get too comfortable with your partner. Your demands of your partner may be a way of pushing them away. 

- Quick to reject people before they can reject you.

- Maintain a relationship dynamic of overfunctioning/underfunctioning. The one who is afraid of being left is the one who is giving too much and working too hard.

- Trust issues. Those afraid of abandonment have difficulty trusting others. They may go out of their way to look and find reasons to justify their lack of trust. This may also lead to seeking partners who are untrustworthy which only serves to reinforce their lack of trust.

- Constant analyzing their partners' behavior so as to be one step ahead and not be blindsided. Some are quick to bring up anything they perceive as a possible threat to the relationship and this often creates stress early on.

- Tendency to focus more on the flaws of their partners and less on their strengths. This is a defense to keep emotional distance for self-protection. The emotional distance creates a sense of safety. Too close, too scary. Some distance makes it safer to be in the relationship. Here's the thing, by continuously pushing your partner away, they are more likely to leave you. 

- Anxiety about the possibility of being left. Persistent apprehension their partner will lose interest and leave. 

- There is a longing for a connection with others but also tremendous anguish being in a relationship because feeling attracted to someone triggers the fear.

- Attention seeking behaviors when they're not in a relationship. Those with fear of abandonment may struggle being alone and seek reassurance from others that they are lovable, desirable, and wanted. This need speaks to the painful feeling they are not good enough.

- They go from one relationship to another to avoid being alone. Aloneness triggers the pain of being left/ neglected/ unwanted/ not cared or loved by others.

- Abruptly ends a relationship at the first sight of problems to alleviate the anxiety that is building up over what they see as the beginning of the end. This action also gives them a sense of control over the possible abandonment they fear the most. 

- Avoid romantic relationships altogether because of their fear that it will end so why start.

- Instant relationships. They meet someone and right away they're in this relationship with someone they just met. This rush to form an instant connection with someone comes from a place of fear. Fear that if they don't move fast enough they will lose this person. It's a way of moving in fast and securing the connection. Once the connection is established the fear of abandonment resurfaces and plays out in the relationship.  

- Cheating on their partners is often related to a fear of being abandoned. It's a safety plan to avoid being alone and preparing ahead just in case their primary relationship ends. It's a way of trying to control their fear. In this instance, it is quite possible the person afraid of being left is sabotaging their own relationship by being unfaithful. It is another way of pushing their partner away but also testing them to see if they stay or they leave. 

- Emotional intimacy with others is very difficult for someone with abandonment fear. Therefore, they are likely to seek relationships repeatedly with people who are emotionally unavailable. This is very common and a red flag that the fear of abandonment exists. A relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable is not a complete relationship; it is part of a relationship which is experienced as less threatening for someone who is fearful of being abandoned/left. These partners are safe because they are unavailable to you. When the relationship ends or the partner leaves, the loss is not as devastating. If you are with someone who is emotionally unavailable this means you are off the hook from having to be fully present in the relationship. You can seek out your partner's love and affection, knowing that you probably won't get it. You can then fool yourself into thinking your partner is the problem, not you. You tell yourself, you tried, it's them, not you. The truth is, you both have issues with emotional intimacy. This relationship dynamic keeps the person who is afraid of abandonment in the cycle of abandonment because these relationships rarely work out. All too often, what gets played out is a  pattern of reenacting the original trauma. The person is left longing for a love they cannot seem to have. How painful is that? VERY PAINFUL.

Here is what you need to understand: emotionally unavailable partners may be treating you in a similar way as others did in your childhood. This is referred to the cycle of abandonment. This keeps the pain of the past very much in the present. Only you can interrupt the cycle of feeling unloved, unwanted, and unimportant. You do this by stopping yourself from pursuing emotionally unavailable partners. 

How to handle the fear of abandonment:

The operative word here is Handle abandonment fear, not free yourself of it completely. It's something you learn to manage so that it doesn't control you.

First things first, you must recognize that the fear of abandonment is real and begin to see how it's  impacting your life today. Then tell yourself it's understandable for you to have this fear because...

Accept the fear as part of your past, but have a new understanding of it. Nothing you did as a child could make someone you love go away. You did nothing wrong and you weren't the cause. Whoever abandoned you made their own choice to leave. 

Take full and complete responsibility for your wellbeing. Get professional help. Use the therapeutic relationship as a model for building tolerance for closeness and intimacy; learn positive ways of dealing with commitment and abandonment fears both of which are interrelated.

Take responsibility for your own thoughts about you and your life. 

Make the decision that you will do everything you can to break the unhealthy patterns of behavior and follow through. This requires getting to know yourself; observing yourself in action and changing how you think about yourself. The focus of change must be you.

Every day we make choices that affect our life. Make different choices for different results; stop acting on the fear and start facing it so you can see how it's keeping you more isolated and less connected to others. You can change this.

When your fear comes up, it is your responsibility, not your partner's to manage it. It is up to you to make yourself feel secured. You can learn to control your reactions to the fear.

Your own response to this fear is everything.

A few last words on healing your fear of abandonment:

Healing your fear of abandonment entails awareness, understanding and acceptance of you and your life. All of it. There is no such thing as a perfect childhood and none of us grow perfectly. You can choose to be happy or unhappy. It's not your past that's keeping you unhappy. It's you.

You can choose love and closeness.

Thank you for reading!

 

 

This One is a Keeper

Someone to Fall Back On

Jason Robert Brown

I'll never be

A knight in armor

With a sword in hand,

Or a kamikaze fighter;

Don't count on me 

To storm the barricades

And take a stand,

Or hold my ground;

You'll never see

Any scars or wounds-

I don't walk on coals,

I won't walk on water;

I am no prince,

I am no saint,

I am not anyone's wildest dream,

But I can stand behind 

And be someone to fall back on.

Some comedy-

You're bruised and beaten down

And I'm the one 

Who's looking for a favor.

Still, honestly,

You don't believe me

But the things I have

Are the things you need.

You look at me

Like I don't make sense,

Like a waste of time,

Like it serves no purpose-

I am no prince,

I am no saint,

And if that's what you believe you need,

You're wrong- you don't need much,

You need someone to fall back on...

And I'll be that...

I'll take your side.

If I'm the only one,

I'm use to that.

I've been alone,

I'd rather be

The half of us,

the least of you,

The best of me.

And I will be

Your prince,

I'll be your saint,

I will go crashing through fences

In your name. I will, I swear-

I'll be someone to fall back on!

I'll be the one who waits,

And for as long as you'll let me,

I will be the one you need.

I'll be someone to fall back on:

Your prince,

Your saint,

The one you believe you need

I'll be- I'll be

Someone to fall back on.

Source: Musiixmatch

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6qpvnSqoItU

This one is a keeper alright!

I hope you take a moment to listen to the song. It's more than just another love inspiring tune. The simple repeated sentiment of this song actually has a very strong therapeutic value and relevance to us all. 

So much so, that I thought it was worthwhile doing a breakdown of the song by focusing on the main idea being expressed lyrically.

Let's begin.

The big picture of what is being expressed throughout the song relates to romantic love, but more specifically, the words give voice to several key and essential traits of a good partner. And this for me, is the big takeaway.

Someone to Fall Back On is an important quality to look for in a love partner and to strive for in ourselves. 

The song starts out with a self-description of what this person is not. There is no wow effect going on here. He's not trying to impress with charm, fakeness or hype about himself. There's no instant passion or chemistry between them. He is not professing to be anyone's dream guy and in fact he knows he is not anyone's wildest dream. 

But underneath everything he is not, is everything he is. He can stand behind and be someone to fall back on.

He is willing to be emotionally vulnerable. There is straight talk and sincerity. He is presenting an authentic image of himself, not an inflated one. He is emotionally mature with a sense of security about who he is and what he has to offer. He is willing to go beyond the surface and in doing so, is taking a risk. His honesty and openness, shows respect for self and others. He doesn't have to captivate his partner to feel secured. He can stand behind and be.  He is someone she can count on and trust to be there. His presence is real and means so much more than just being there physically.

You're bruised and beaten down and I'm the one who's looking for a favor. 

He is able to see her, hear her and stay with her. In other words, he is not running away. He recognizes her emotional wounds and how they impact current behavior. Yet, he is willing to be by her side despite their differences because he owns his truth. The favor he is asking for is really for her benefit. It seems as if he is asking her to give him a chance and not blow him off so quickly, but he is clearly aware that what he has to offer is worth more than she knows.

Still, honestly, you don't believe me but the things I have are the things you need. You look at me like I don't make sense, like a waste of time, like it serves no purpose.

What he has to offer is exactly what she needs and so much more than what she tells herself she wants. He seems to know her and lets her know she is being seen, heard and understood for who she is. This is known as validation and is a core part of all healthy partnerships.

I am no prince, I am no saint, and if that's what you believe you need, you're wrong- you don't need much, you need someone to fall back on...

And I'll be that...

He knows what matters in a relationship- being emotionally present, emotionally connected, and open to intimacy. It's showing your love through actions. He is not afraid to love and commit to her and to the relationship. He is willing and able to show up for her and be that... 

I'll take your side. If  I'm the only one, I'm use to that. I've been alone, I'd rather be the half of us, the least of you, the best of me. And I'll be your prince, I'll be your saint, I will go crashing through fence  In your name I will, I swear... I'll be someone to fall back on.

He is now saying that if she were to let him in her heart, he will be her prince, saint and the one she needs for as long as she lets him. But he also reminds her, he can stand on his own. He knows how to be alone and can handle it. He will be ok, but would rather be with her. The overall message is that this is a man who is driven by love, not fear. It seems he understands the power of love and how it can bring out the best of someone. Loving deeply has a way of making someone want to be their very best for those they love. It's true. 

Ultimately, if a potential love interest or a current partner is really a keeper, you'll know by how they make you feel about yourself. Pay close attention to who you are, who you become, and how you feel when you're in their presence. 

Final thoughts:

You are more likely to appreciate a good partner when you are committed to working through your own inner conflicts rather than ignore, blame or run away from. 

Intensity and drama does not equate to love. In fact, romantic connections that move too fast, too soon, early on may be a sign that you're going the wrong way. Love is not fast paced; it is slow and steady and builds momentum as it progresses.

Don't ignore or minimize the red flags. 

People who are emotionally unavailable are emotionally disconnected from their emotions and closed off to intimacy; they can't handle their own feelings nor the feelings of others. Memorize this.

If you have a history of getting involved with emotionally unavailable partners, then perhaps, you too are emotionally unavailable. That would make you the common denominator wouldn't it?

 Attracting emotionally unavailable partners may indicate that you are not open with your own emotions. You may be too guarded and not comfortable showing vulnerability. If you hold back your emotions, you are not being real in your interactions with others.

The relationship we secretly have with ourselves: how we see ourselves, feel about ourselves and talk to ourselves is in my opinion the strongest deciding factor of the people we attract and keep in our lives.

Our relationships with others and especially a partner, reflect the relationship we have with ourselves. Unless we work on our issues, we will most likely select partners who can confirm our fears, negative beliefs, and mirror back to us our own negative qualities. When the relationship ends, you'll know the signs were there all along based on their actions. 

To break this pattern, you must learn to love and accept yourself deeply and completely. Once you believe in your worth and value who you are, you will recognize a keeper when you meet one and will know that you are one yourself.

Thank you for reading!