Pause To Reflect

         Year's end marks new beginnings and a time for us to pause and reflect.

Below you will find a collection of inspirational quotes, proverbs and some of my own sayings that can be used for self-reflection and introspection. It is never a waste of time to self-reflect. In fact, the practice of looking inward rather than outward is a must for those who are committed to their personal growth.

As you read on, take a step back, pause, and give careful thought to your life, behavior, and beliefs.

Who knows, perhaps one or more of these sayings might be exactly what you need to get a fresh perspective and start the new year on a good note.

Year's end. New start. Time for reflection.

Give serious thought to life

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love. - Sophocles

A miracle is a shift in perception.  - A Course In Miracles

What poison is to food, self-pity is to life. - Oliver C. Wilson

Time (and personal energy) is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have. Be careful lest someone else spend it for you. - Carl Sandburg

What paralyzes life is the failure to believe and the failure to dare. - Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

You may not be getting any younger but if the best is yet to come, it will come only if invited.
 - Sam Levenson

As healthy adults, we eventually come to understand, as we play our friend, spouse, parent, family roles, the limited nature of every human relationship. - Judith Viorst

The older we get the more we need to play. - Maurice lovelace

Trials are but lessons you failed to learn, present again. - A Course In Miracles

The way out is via the door. How is it that no one will use this method. - Confucious

Often the greatest challenge isn't learning to love others. It's learning to let them love us.
 - Melody Beattie

Live with the past not in it. - Teri Sue Livingston

Look at what you've got and make the best of it. It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. - Proverb

When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. When life is bitter, say thank you and grow.
 - Shauna Niequist

A stumble may prevent a fall. - Buddha

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. - Charles Swindoll

When something bad happens you have three choices. You can let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you. - Unknown

Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most. - Buddha

Feelings are just visitors. let them come and go. - Mooji

It is not joy that makes us grateful. It is gratitude that makes us joyful. - David Rast

Who does not thank for little will not thank for much. - Proverb

Your pain is an opportunity for you to learn about yourself. - Gary Zukav

May your choices reflect your hopes and not your fears. - Nelson Mandela

The beautiful things about setbacks is they introduce us to our strengths. - Robin Sharma

If you truly want to change your life, you first must be willing to change your mind.
- Donald Altman

Sometimes you have to cry before you sing. - Unknown

The time is always right to do what is right. - Martin Luther King Jr.

Only people who are capable of loving strongly can suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them. - Leo Tolstoy

What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us. - Helen Keller

If it had been you that died what would you have wanted/wished for your loved one?

There are two ways of becoming stronger- one way is from pain and the other from love.
- Unknown

I love you, the most powerful words in the world. - Unknown

                             Life is all about how you choose to see things.

Careful thought about your behavior

Talk doesn't cook rice. - Chinese proverb

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

You're as sick as your secrets. - 12 step saying

Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself. - Harriet Nelson

Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin as self-neglecting. - William Shakespeare

I venture to say that at the bottom of most fears, both mild and severe, will be found an overactive mind and an underactive body. - Dr. Henry Link

Appropriate guilt is a good motivation for change. Chronic guilt is a way to punish self and others.- Maria Spencer

Keeping our eyes on the prize means not getting sidetracked by trivia. - Gerard Vanderhaar

No longer say "yes" when you want to say "no." Your inner powers will make your success certain.- Vernon Howard

Suffering isn't ennobling, recovery is. - Christiaan N. Bernard

Nothing changes if nothing changes. - Earnie Larsen

The essence of genius is to know what to overlook. - William James

What you deny or ignore, you delay. What you accept and face, you conquer. - Robert Tew

The way you treat yourself sets the standards for others. - Sonya Friedman

You may not be able to control every situation and its outcome, but you can control how you deal with it. - Unknown

Don't wait for your feelings to change to take action. Take the action and your feelings will change.- Barbara Baron

Love is not what you say. Love is what you do. - Unknown

Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore. It's just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself. - Deborah Reber

Thinking will not overcome fear, but action will. - W. Clement Stone

Those who hate you don't win unless you hate them, and then you destroy yourself.
- Richard Nixon

We have to laugh at the things that make us human. - Unknown

Self-neglect is an act of self-betrayal.

When those you love die, the best you can do is honor their spirit for as long as you live. You make a commitment that you're going to take whatever lesson that person or animal was trying to teach you, and you make it true in your own life. It's a positive way to keep their spirit alive in the world by keeping it alive in yourself. - Patrick Swayze

The more we embrace death and dying, the more we embrace life and living.

Waiting for someone else to make you happy is the best way to be sad. - Unknown

What goes on inside invariably shows on the outside; it's reflected in what we say and do.
- Unknown

The person who does not make a choice makes a choice. - Jewish proverb

Let mourning stop when one's grief is fully expressed. - Confucious

Grief adds depth to our life. We can grieve without becoming immobilized by it. - Unknown

What you dislike in another take care to correct in yourself. - Thomas Sprat

                  It's not the power of the past, it's the power you give the past.

Reflecting on your beliefs

Every good thought you think is contributing its share to the ultimate result of your life
 - Grenville Kleiser

He is able who thinks he is able. - Buddha

Sometimes the only closure you need is the understanding that you deserve better.
- Trent Shelton

Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.
- Dalai Lama

It isn't what happens to us that causes us to suffer; it's what we say to ourselves about what happens.- Pema Chodron

The greatest obstacle to connecting with joy is resentment. - Pema Chodron

The greatest part of our happiness or misery depends on our disposition and not on our circumstances. - Martha Washington

Trust is not a promise that good will automatically come, but that something good is somehow already present. - Christina Baldwin

I am larger, better than I thought, I did not know I held so much goodness. - Walt Whitman

We are better than we know. If we can be made to see it, maybe from now on we'll be unwilling to settle for less. - Anonymous

I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions. - Stephen Covey

When you change the way you think, you can change the way you feel. - David D. Burns

It's not who you are that holds you back; it's who you think you're not. - Unknown

Much suffering, much unhappiness arises when you take each thought that comes into your head for truth. - Eckhart Tolle

What you think of yourself is much more important than what other people think of you.
- Seneca

By talking about death we learn to live better.

Forgiveness is giving up the wish that the past could have been different. - Oprah

The thoughts we think and the words we speak create our experiences. - Louise Hay

We don't love and accept ourselves enough and this forms the basis of much human suffering.

What I believe about my myself and about my life becomes true for me. - Louise Hay

                                     How is what you believe working for you? 

Wishing you all the best for the coming year.

Thank you for reading!
















                                                                                               
                                                                                                                 

What We All Desire

             "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."
                                                          Eden Ahbez

We all desire to love and be loved. We want to be truly known and deeply loved. We long for connection and this is what our hearts need more than anything.

There is truly nothing more comforting to us than the experience of  being seen, heard, accepted and loved by another human being. To love, to be loved, is a desire, but also a need that simply makes us human.

Love is the most natural need we have and yet so complicated. We learn about love from our own families and specifically how family members relate to each other. Think back to your childhood and ask yourself what some of those lessons were on how to love and be loved. For instance, was love openly expressed or repressed; available or conditional; something you had to work for and earn or something you could count on and feel secured about? Growing up, did you feel loved or question whether you were lovable? Did it feel safe to love or something you couldn't trust and therefore avoided? Did you learn to hide your true feelings as a form of self-protection? Perhaps rather than expecting to be loved, you learned to give up on getting your needs met. Depending on how we experienced our families, love can either feel easier to connect to or feel 'safer' to disconnect from.

The good news is that we can learn, unlearn and relearn just about anything we set our minds to. We can learn new things and let go of that which no longer serves us. We can unlearn unhelpful thinking and habitual patterns of behavior that hold us back and replace them with new thinking and healthier behavior that help us get the love we want. To unlearn something means we stop doing what doesn't work; we learn new habits; we let go of limiting beliefs and create new ones that actually help us achieve the love we desire and deserve to have.

We can learn to relate to love differently.

How about if instead of being afraid to love or afraid to admit to love, we remain open to it. This would mean giving ourselves permission to speak of love openly and directly. And why not? Don't we all know what we want, need and long for? Let's stop pretending that love isn't as important as it really is.

I understand that for many love is mixed with fear and trepidation and perhaps for good reasons. Love can open us up for pain, loss and grief. And while there is a great desire for love, there is a greater fear of it. You may be someone who enjoys closeness and intimacy to a limit. You protect your freedom and delay love and commitment. If this is working for you, then there's nothing to change. On the other hand, if you are creating a mental distance between you and love because of fear then perhaps change may be a good thing.

Believe in behavior change. It can't be stated enough, strongly enough, change is possible when we become determined. Determination can overcome fear of change.

The first step towards a love-focused reality is to let go of fear.

Consider facing your fears rather then resisting them, denying them, or being victimized by them.
Fears gain strength in darkness. Once we shine the light on them, they no longer have a tight grip on us. Fears need to be seen, heard and acknowledged before they can leave us. Our fears stay with us longer when we put up a fight rather than acknowledge them. And who are we fighting against? Ourselves. Rather than maintaining a state of internal conflict or being stuck with ambivalence, try accepting your feelings, including fear, and choose what to let go of. You can choose to release whatever it is you don't want. This is how we begin to heal.

Acceptance of our feelings is acceptance of ourselves and this is love.

Love heals...

When we think and feel love, we heal.
When love is the basis of our lives, we get to heal.
Love opens us up inside and gives us a chance to make things right within.
Love is the best gift we can give to ourselves and bring to others.
A loving relationship with self means there is trust, patience, compassion, and respect; this is all the assurance you need to know that no matter what happens, you will be all right.
Inner love is the most important love we can have. It begins with us. If we can care for and love ourselves, then we are freer to do the same with others.

To connect with love, consciously choose to be loving to yourself and others.

Thank you for reading!












             

Changing Ourselves

                   "Change for the better is a full-time job." - Adlai Stevenson

You can change, but first, you have to understand what it takes to do so.

Changing ourselves will require three things from us:
-Openness to change
-Willingness to change
-Continually making efforts to change

This pretty much sums up what is needed if you want to and feel ready for change.

How to know if you're ready

I think Eckhart Tolle said it best, "Awareness is the greatest agent for change." Change is a process that starts with being aware. All change starts within. Our focus of attention must be internal rather than external. Stop looking outside yourself and instead keep the focus on you- your character traits, behaviors, and feelings. This is hard, but real change happens when we understand our internal workings. This means being able to see the connection between our thinking, and our actions and how the relationship between the two has the greatest impact in our lives.

While self-awareness is the first step for change, commitment is the key to making lasting changes.

Personal change through commitment looks something like this: we honor and respect ourselves. There is a strong sense of obligation and accountability to ourselves. It comes with the realization that we can change ourselves for the better and that we are ultimately responsible for our lives.

Normally, we don't change just because we say we want to. Change must be backed up with action and more importantly with continuous efforts. And one of the best ways to keep up the effort is by sticking with your principles because that's what gives you the strength to persevere. Yes, when our behavior flows from our values, we are actively and positively engaging in our own change process.

Things to watch out for 

Resolve any discrepancies between what you say and what you do. Be aware of the ways in which you think and talk your way out of making necessary changes. Avoid self-sabotage, wishful or negative thinking habits, and examine your own rationalizations for going along with more of the same when it's clearly not working out. Look at the ways you habitually escape life. Stop numbing yourself with food, alcohol, TV, travel, getting lost in the drama of others, seeking high maintenance relationships, or whatever else your thing may be. Like I said, changing ourselves is work but awareness will help you to stop, modify, or lessen this pattern of behavior. We all do it and so what matters is that you be honest with yourself at all times. Be willing to approach things differently and change directions. Be consistent in your efforts for change. As the old saying goes, slow and steady wins the race and consistency is what will get you there.

Are you ready for change?

Thank you for reading!

Emotional Walls

" The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy."  - Jim Rohn

Understanding ourselves in the context of building emotional walls

Do you have a wall?

If so, then you know emotional walls come from a place of hurt and the need to self-protect. Building emotional walls is a common reaction to hurt-mental, emotional, or physical. It works as a defense mechanism that serves to create and maintain a separation between you and others.

Defense mechanisms can protect us from psychological harm. However, when overused, they can also backfire, and work against us. Such is the case with emotional walls.

Emotional walls come with risks. They create a barrier which blocks out not just the unwanted feelings, but also the wanted, more positive feelings too. The end result is numbing ourselves from experiencing all of our feelings.

Walling in ourselves and walling out others

Building walls of separation essentially helps us to shut down and to shut others out of our lives. The walls may keep people out, but inadvertently they keep us walled in with loneliness and isolation. The biggest problem in building emotional walls, especially high ones, is the risk of not experiencing  fully life and love. This in my opinion is too high a price to pay for protection.

On becoming your own best caretaker

There's a fearful side to all of us. We have all sorts of fears, and one of the most common is the fear of connecting with others intimately. We are afraid of revealing our vulnerability to others, exposing our true selves for fear of rejection, loss, pain, and anything we perceive as negative. So instead we isolate ourselves with our feelings and stay 'safe.' This is how it plays out for many. But you should know there is a different way.

First, willingly and steadily work through emotional blockages by reaching out to others who are able to listen. Consider seeing a therapist; investing in your mental health and well-being is worth it. You will learn that you do not have to disconnect yourself off from your feelings in order to be safe.

Begin to see the importance of focusing not just on the fears that bind you, but on your desire for love, closeness and intimacy. There is power in what we choose to give our attention to. Focus on what you want to make happen. Desire is a strong motivational tool.

Equally important is identifying inner strengths and values and using it as a guide for change. If you place a high value on truth, trust, honesty, hard work, and emotional healing, then strive to live and work by these principles. Personal values and knowing what our strengths are can keep us safe more than any wall can ever do.

We have all been hurt and chances are there is more to come. That said, no matter what happens in your life there is someone you can trust and depend on who will not leave you and that is YOU. This point can't be said enough. You are the most important person who can support you. When we trust ourselves and know we have our own back, we worry less on having to protect ourselves from others. I remind clients that emotional safety is necessary for emotional connection. When this is compromised, walls will go up and this in my mind, is not the way to living a life of love.

I repeat, learn to see that you are the person you can count on. Get better at walking away when something or someone is not right or good for you. When we speak the truth, we shut down less.

Don't beat yourself up for putting up emotional walls. What you need is healing. Awareness, understanding, and self-compassion will help you to make the changes you want to make.

Put your faith not in walls but in your own capacity to heal. We can do this in conversations and connections to others who are trustworthy.

Walls can go up and they can come down, realizing there is a choice can open the door to your freedom.

Thank you for reading!

You Create Your Own Life

Daughters

John Mayer

I know a girl 

She puts the color inside of my world

But, she's just like a maze

Where all of the walls all continually change

And I've done all I can

To stand on her steps with my heart in my hand

Now I'm starting to see

Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters 

Daughters will love like you do

Girls become lovers who turn into mothers

So mothers be good to your daughters too.

Oh, you see that skin?

It's the same she's been standing in

Since the day she saw him walking away

Now she's left cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters

Daughters will love like you do

Girls become lovers who turn into mothers

So mothers be good to your daughters too.

Boys, you can break

You'll find out how much they can take

Boys will be strong

And boys soldier on

But boys would be gone without warmth from 

A woman's good, good heart.

On behalf of every man

looking out for every girl

You are the God and weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters

Daughters will love like you do

Girls become lovers who turn into mothers

So mothers be good to your daughters too

" I loved a girl a lot, but she couldn't trust men. And if you trace it back as to why, it was the first man in her life she couldn't trust. This song "Daughters" really is a result of having traced it back trying to figure out how I could love this person and the answer is you can't because someone else didn't before you."  - John Mayer

I chose this song to write about an important theme in our lives: past hurts. Something we can all identify with is the experience of emotional pain. What we do with it, however, is a personal matter and more importantly, a matter of choice. It is a choice to create something different, something better. Life is a matter of choices, and making a change is always a conscious choice.

The song puts out a strong message on the role parents play in the lives of their children as it relates to emotional development, love and intimacy. I certainly agree that parents are very important influencers and that their words and behavior can have a long lasting effect on their children. But at the same time, when it comes to parenting, we must practice caution in labeling mothers and fathers as good or bad. Negative labels perpetuate shame and do not lead to productive change in parents or their children, young and old.

What parents, caregivers and parents-to-be need to know: There is probably no one more important to children than you. Be present. Stay engaged. Tell them and show them how much they are loved. Children don't need a perfect upbringing; what they need is love. Give them your time, attention, and affection. Don't worry about making mistakes- you will make lots of them along the way. Turn bad decisions and mistakes into teaching moments and be quick to say to your children, "I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I will do better..."  I have learned that children are big on forgiveness and they will embrace us time and time again.

As for adult children who carry emotional wounds from childhood, I want to say that it is not all doom and gloom. We can heal from the past.

You were given the life you had as a child by your parents, now it's up to you to create your own life.

What you need to understand: There is a healing effect of catharsis in tracing the hurt and pain back to its origin, but we must not allow ourselves to get stuck there. We must be careful to not get comfortable in just blaming others for our hurt. Pointing the finger at parents for past hurts can sometimes keep us stuck, feeling powerless, and unhappy. And the worst part of it is that it does not resolve the emotional pain we carry inside.

So what is the alternative?

Letting go of the old to make way for the new is how we overcome past hurts. Let me explain.

We all have emotional wounds. But it's not your pain that keeps you down, it's your thoughts about your pain that has you down. We feel the way we think. I must emphasize that it is not what happens to us that matters most, but what we tell ourselves about what happened that has the greatest impact in our lives.

The obstacle to change is always in our mind. You can change your life when you change your thinking. My motto has always been to look beyond where you are to where you want to be and let this be your guide. Stop feeling bad about yourself. This will get you no where. You must understand that you will live in a way that reinforces the image you have of yourself. If you see yourself as unworthy of love, your choices as well as your actions will reinforce your thoughts. Because you don't expect to be loved, you are more likely than not, to seek partners who will prove you right- "I am not lovable." The other scenario, is the one presented in the song in which the woman finds herself with a partner who wants to shower her with love and she is unable to receive it. She is still operating from the life instructions given to her by others- most likely a parent. She is in essence recreating the struggle of the past in present day. Sadly, this is all too common. It is how many of us attempt to rework our earlier heartbreaks and disappointments through new players. It doesn't work.

Here's what works: you must take responsibility for your life. As long as you continue to blame others, make excuses for yourself, and re-enact the pain of the past, you will not be emotionally healthy. You and only you can determine by your own choices which way your life is going to go. Realize that you are greatly influenced by what you think and say about yourself. If you identify with this song, this means you need to learn to believe the best about yourself. This is possible and it is doable, but you must be willing to do the work on your behalf. Know that positive change can happen in spite of your past. It is up to you. No one else can do this for you.

Our past does not have to play out in our present. Life isn't fair, but we don't have to be a victim of it. The reality is that we must be willing to let go of the old to allow for something new. If you are going to move forward in life, you must stop holding on to the past and using it against yourself. Deal with what happened or you will continue to relive it.  Express your hurt and pain, but then get ready to move past it. When we become determined about getting well, growth is the gift we get in return.

What I have found most helpful in my own life is to refer to the past as needed. I use it as a reference guide, but I refuse to live there.

I have to say that one of the most powerful lessons for me in dealing with past hurts has been to see that I came out better than I would have had those experiences not happened to me. My willingness to turn pain into positive growth is an outlook that has enabled me to get bitterness and old resentments out of my life. It's freeing and truly works at keeping me healthy. I've had help along the way and so can you.

What is done is done. We can't change the past, we can only do something about right now. You have to make up your mind that you are going to move on. Focus on what you can change, rather than what you cannot.

Don't let your past hurts become your identity. If you really want to get better, you can. You may need to say to yourself, "that was then and this is now" many times over until you actually come to believe it. It is often said, recovery is a program of repetition. All healing is a program of repetition. It's hard work, but then again, aren't you worth it?

Thank you for reading!

More Than One Perspective

A little boy went out to the backyard to play with a baseball bat and ball. He said to himself, "I am the best hitter in the world." Then he threw the ball up in the air and took a swing at it, but missed. Without a moment's hesitation, he tossed it in the air again, saying as he swung the bat, "I'm the best hitter in the world," but missed. Strike two. He tossed the ball up again, even more determined, saying, "I am the best hitter in the world!" But he missed again. Strike three. The boy laid down his bat and smiled real big. "What do you know?" he said. "I'm the best pitcher in the world!"

                                                                                       - Joel Osteen
                                                                                         Your Best Life Begins Each Morning


The message of this story

To everything in life, there is more than one perspective. There is always a positive and negative side to things and you get to choose.

There are some other key takeaways from this short story that will be discussed: taking in the positive, the importance of what we tell ourselves, and good thoughts. But first, let's take a closer look at what is meant by perspective and how it manifests in our daily life.

The dictionary defines perspective as a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view; a frame of reference, an interpretation. I understand it as a mental outlook that reflects what is going on inside us- thoughts and feelings that inevitably shows in our behavior.

The good news is that we can change our perspective about ourselves, others, circumstances and life in general. Although, there are things we cannot control or change in life, how we view these events is completely up to us.

In life, it is not what happens to you. It is how you respond to it that's most important. It's not the events and circumstances we find ourselves in that's most important. How we deal, what we think and what we do, has a far greater impact on our lives than the events themselves.

When things go wrong or don't go as planned, it's so easy to focus on the negative. All we see is the bad in our circumstances, but if we are willing to look we will find the good as well. Taking in the positive is a willingness to see a situation differently. Initially, it may feel like work because you are changing habitual ways of thinking- replacing negative thoughts with positive ones.

Nothing wrong with feeling your feelings, whatever they may be. But then consider shifting your perspective from upset to other options. Allowing your point of view to shift to a more positive outlook will bring you immediate relief. A positive attitude makes you happier and puts you in a good mood. Instead of ruminations, your mind is free to move.

I'm sure some of you are asking yourselves, how do we do this- go from negative to positive thinking. First, you have to decide that you want a new and improved attitude. You start paying attention and noticing your thoughts and make a continuous effort to replace unhelpful thoughts with more favorable ones until positive thinking becomes a habit. Most importantly, remind yourself of the golden rule : when we want to change, we change.

Our thoughts can work for us or work against us. They can help us or negatively affect us. This is a fact. So, we must be very careful about our self-talk- what we tell ourselves about ourselves. This has far more significance than what others say to us. What we tell ourselves comes directly from our own thoughts; triggers certain feelings and we eventually act on those thoughts and feelings. The alternative is to practice being good to yourself. Stop the 'should' shaming, and start treating yourself with love and respect.

Fill your mind with good thoughts. Yes, we know that disappointment, sadness, pain, and loss are a reality. They just show up uninvited; that's life. All the more reason to use positive healing words when we talk to ourselves. It's what we tell ourselves that determines our perspective about everything. Our perspective can either lift or bring down our spirits. This is how I do it: learn from the heartbreaks and live from the breakthroughs.

There is always another way of looking at things.
The choice is yours.

Thank you for reading!

Where Is The Goodness?

It is in you. It is in others. It is everywhere.

You might be thinking that goodness is in very short supply, especially with all that is happening in our country- rise in hate crimes, racist language seen as OK again, prejudice and bigotry considered acceptable,and blatant disregard for human rights. And now, as we are facing the devastating effects of ripping families apart based on the zero tolerance immigration policy issued by our own president and his administration, tensions run high. There is fear, anxiety, and depression that is part of a growing belief that dark times have become the new normal. A sense of impending doom has become a familiar state of being as we wonder who will be the next group to be targeted, what will be next tragedy we face as a nation, and how do we rebuild?

Sadly, this is our reality, but it is only a piece of the entire puzzle. Love and goodness make up the other pieces. So don't give into despair and hopelessness. The rebuilding and lifting up humanity is happening right now. This too, is our reality and that, is our biggest reason for hope.

In times like these, what can you do? You can show basic goodness as a human being.

We are seeing more of us who have been on the sidelines on important issues, now coming forward and taking a stand. Because of times like these, many good people are understanding that it is not just what they think and believe that matters, but what they do. If we look broadly at our lives, we will be reminded that it is during the difficult times that we learn about who we are and how we want to live. We must look for the silver lining - something good can always come from something bad. The setbacks that cause pain, also contain a potential for healing outcomes.

I believe goodness is winning, though the struggle is far from over. There is a positive force gaining momentum nationwide in which we are seeing different groups rising up, coming together, speaking up for what is right, and revealing that 'we the people' can bring about a change. We must not lose sight of this.

Goodness through meaningful action brings out the best in people.

Show compassion.  Act in good conscience. Dare to see what you are most afraid of. Speak the truth.  Be free with your love. Be aware. Aim for peace. Seek understanding. Make the effort. Keep an open mind. Stay informed. Be accepting of others. Practice patience. Be completely involved with life. Remember to keep going. Know what you stand for. Help others. Feed your mind with positivity. Honor liberty and justice for all. Practice gratitude. Work together for the greater good.  Take nothing for granted. Be a voice for the voiceless. Lift others. Live with integrity. Participate in good causes. Take part in peaceful protests. Give of your time to those in need. Give financially to the movement. Exercise your basic freedoms. Cast your VOTE. We must all do our part to preserve what Abraham Lincoln referred to a "government of the people, by the people, for the people."

In times of challenge, chaos, and uncertainty, we must surround ourselves with goodness, period.

Don't let the pain of life close your heart. If you let fear and hate take your life than those who have hurt you have won. Becoming negative and cynical towards the world is taking the path of least resistance. It's really a cop-out. We must never stop trying to be an example of the change we want to see in others. I believe, love and goodness will always remain. And the surest way to both will always be through meaningful action. Always.

In the age of Trump, what is called for is Inspiration, Hope, and Truth. I share with you uplifting quotes to remind you of the goodness in humanity.

1) "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou
2) "No one and no thing can ever take our core away from us." - Daniel Levin, The Zen Book
3) "... Everything can be taken from a man but one thing, the last of the human freedoms- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." - Victor E. Frankl
4) "Those who hate you don't win unless you hate them, and then you destroy yourself." - Richard Nixon
5) "Compassion is an action word with no boundaries." - Prince
6) "However good we are, however correctly we seek to lead our lives, tragedies do occur. We can blame others, look for justification, imagine how our lives would have been different without them. But none of that matters: they have happened, and that is that. From this point on, it is necessary that we review our own lives, overcome fear, and begin the process of reconstruction." - Paulo Coeho, Warrior Of The Light
7) "Goodness can sometimes be found in the middle of hell." - Charles Bukowski, Women
8) "Here are the values that I stand for: honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the way you want to be treated and helping others. To me, those are traditional values." - Ellen DeGeneres

In conclusion, I leave you with the healing words of the great Dr. Martin Luther King. This topic would be incomplete without it. May his words open your heart a little more.

1) "There comes a time when silence is betrayal."
2) "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."
3) "Only in darkness can you see the stars."
4) "In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
5) "If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward."
6) "Darkness cannot drive darkness: Only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: Only love can do that."
7) "There comes a time when we must take a position that is neither safe nor politic, nor popular, but he must take it because his conscience tells him it is right."
8) "Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a constant attitude."
9) "We must accept finite disappointment but never lose infinite hope."
10) "We must live together as brothers or perish together as fools."
11) "I have decided to stick with love... Hate is too great a burden to bear."

Surround yourself with goodness!

Thank you for reading.

Values-Based Decision Making

In simple terms, values-based decision making is when your personal values serve as a guide in making decisions, both great and small.

   "It's not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are." - Roy Disney

Defining Values

The dictionary definition of value is 'A person's principles or standards of behavior; one's judgment of what is important in life.'

When we are aware of our personal values, and consistently work to meet them, decisions are easier to make.

Using this model means decision making is based upon your core values, visions, and goals you have set for yourself. The effectiveness of this method will depend on you to be clear with yourself about what's really important in your life. Knowing who you are, what you believe in, and fully understanding the principles you live your life by, lays the groundwork for decisions. When faced with a difficult decision, if you refer back to your personal values, you will know, and you will feel a strong sense of right and wrong.

This framework is simple and quite practical to use in every aspect of our life. And yet, it is not always followed. We sometimes go against our own values, and other times, we're not even sure what they are. I have found this to be true most especially in the context of romantic relationships. Sometimes, those who are looking for love and intimacy make the choice to compromise their connection to self for a connection with other. For example, they will continue dating someone even when they know important values are missing in their relationship. If what's missing is basic trust, respect, honesty, and commitment, you can expect the situation will lead to not so small problems. Be aware that compromised decision-making happens when we make important decisions that go against our deepest values. When we continue with something or someone that does not support what is most important to us, the emotional and psychological cost is high. The good news is that there is an alternative: Be a values-based decision maker in your life. It's a sure way of being true to yourself and you will be happier for it.

Decisions Made Easier Guidelines

When important life choices are not in alignment with your fundamental values, that's a recipe for unhappiness.

Values can change over time, but some remain constant. Know which ones are most and least important to you; which are non-negotiable; which are missing in your life, and what you can do to change this.

Reinforce and live your values on a daily basis. They reveal who you are and how you choose to live. Knowing yourself will make it easier to make important decisions.

Before making an important decision, ask yourself, how does … fit with my values.

Think about what you are doing and how you are behaving and ask yourself, "How is this working out?" Returning to our core values can put us back on the right path towards our life goals.

Continuously examine your choices to see if they are a good match for your values. When the way you think, speak, and behave match your values, things feel right.

When we're on the right track... we know it.
When we talk ourselves into making an unhealthy choice... we know it.
When we move away from what is right... we feel it.

When Decisions Match Our Values 

We have a feeling of comfort knowing we have our back- we have come through for ourselves. This  increases our overall self-confidence, inner strength, and motivation to stay on course with life goals. The more in tune we are about what really matters to us, the easier it is to rely on our gut sense of right and wrong.

As we rely more on making decisions that support of deepest values, we see how this gives us  integrity and strengthens our character.

Even when decisions made by us turn out to be the "wrong ones," we can make them right if we are willing to acknowledge this, learn to grow, and move forward.

Last Word...

Decisions, Decisions, make them by keeping with your values, and watch how you move with your life.

Thank you for reading!






 

 

Facing Reality

Is hard to do.- But definitely worth doing.

What is reality?

The truth of the present is our reality.

We all know what it is like to want to close our eyes to reality. Seeing what is and accepting things as they are and not as we wish them to be, can be a really hard thing for us to do. In fact, it can be excruciatingly painful, but facing truth and reality is necessary in order to see clearly what is going on in our lives and why. If you think about it, facing reality is like a self-protective measure that actually helps us to be prepared for what we must deal with in life. There is a strong correlation in my mind between facing our reality and taking good care of ourselves. Choosing reality to support us instead of a make-believe world helps us to stay present in everyday life. Whereas most of us prefer to live either in the past or the future, the present is all we have. It is only in the present that we can make real progress in our lives. Facing reality keeps us honest about what's really going on inside and around us. We are more in touch with our surroundings and ourselves; more connected with our true self. Rather than run away from our problems, we are forced to look at our responsibility and take ownership of the situation. This is where learning and growth comes in. You grow and so does your life.

Facing reality sometimes means moving away from comfort, but the alternatives of excuses or denial keeps us stuck in unhappiness and actively engaged in our own victimization. When we turn to reality and use it as our guide for change something amazing happens- we gain wisdom and strength. Strength is a powerful inner resource that comes out when we are truly dealing with a challenging time. This strength appears in the form of clarity, choices, awareness, understanding, perseverance, perspective, and valor to name just a few. It is often the case that from a place of strength, we find the courage to change.

To make important changes in your life, you have to be willing to face reality. This is why it matters and why it is definitely worth doing.

Another very significant aspect of facing reality which should not be overlooked is how it relates to personal freedom. I'm sure we've all heard the phrase, "The truth will set you free." When we choose to see rather than avoid and ignore reality, we are set free, but to be effective, we must be willing to act on what we know as the truth. I understand this is easier said than done, but with effort, readiness, and courage, it can be done.

Clearly there are benefits to facing reality, and yet there are those who exert so much energy rejecting it by blocking it out. They are convinced they can't handle the truth. And so they defend themselves against it. Some common reactions to emotional pain might be to minimize, avoid it altogether, or distort the truth so as to make it less painful. These are all protective defenses that allow us to cope by not coping until we are ready and able to choose differently. We've all used these unconscious mechanisms and frankly, I am not suggesting there is anything inherently wrong or unhealthy about their use; however, just because we tell ourselves that something is not true does not make it go away. Whatever it is we are avoiding or negating will remain there until we face it. Then and only then, can we alter it, accept and adapt to it, or walk away from it. As a therapist, I encourage my clients to approach their reality with self-compassion; go at it slowly but steadily. Initially, what is needed are just the words; willingness to talk, listen and sit with their new insights and understanding. Sometimes all we can do is face our emotional pain as we can, step by step. Deeply felt pain must be respected and so perhaps taking an easy does it, but doing it mindset works best for some. Defense mechanisms are there to protect us from the initial blow, but do not offer a real sustainable solution. They can assist on a short-term basis just enough to give us time to gather our strength within and figure out what is our next move.

Here is something else to consider. Deep down, we know the answers to our problems. We already know the truth. We are just afraid of going through pain. We don't want to hurt. Here's what I say to that: You can stand up to what is true, for you have already lived it and survived it. What is there to be afraid of ? You have endured the suffering, and so what is the point of returning to it and staying there? It is time to move along to the present and live your life differently.

The sooner you accept reality, the sooner you move on with your life. When in doubt, remember you are mentally stronger than you think. I believe we all are. I also believe when the pain of escape becomes greater than the pain of reality, this is when we are more likely to change. You might say this is part of our human nature.

Since pain will come to us all, consider the following quotes to help you face things as they are.

Distraction is the only thing that consoles us for our miseries, and yet it is itself the greatest of our miseries. - Blaise Pascal

We are only as blind as we want to be. - Maya Angelou

New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings... - Lao Tzu

We suffer more often in imagination than in reality. - Seneca

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. - Unknown

You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step. - Martin Luther King

Change Nothing and Nothing Changes. - Unknown

All human unhappiness comes from not facing reality squarely, exactly as it is. - Buddha

Every morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most. - Buddha

Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free... - The M.L.King Speech

Seeing is always an act of courage. - Marty Rubin

You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality. - Ayn Rand

Emotional sickness is avoiding reality at any cost. Emotional health is facing reality at any cost. - M. Scott Peck


Thank you for reading!

Recovery Is An Inside Job

Inside Job
Pearl Jam

Underneath this smile lies everything
All my hopes and anger, pride and shame
Make myself a pact not to shut doors on the past
Just for today I am free

I will not lose my faith
It's an inside job today

I know this one thing well

I used to try and kill love, it was the highest sin
breathing insecurity out and in

Searching hope, I'm shown the way to run straight

Pursuing the greater way for all,... human light.

How I choose to feel is how I am.
How I choose to feel is how I am.

I will not lose my faith
It's an inside job today

Holding on, the light of night

On my knees to rise and fix my broken soul

Again

Let me run into the rain

To be a human light again

Let me run into the rain

To shine a human light today

Life comes from within your heart and desire

Life comes from within my heart and desire

Life comes from within your heart and desire

A must hear song!

I have heard people describe this song as their personal recovery anthem. I can understand why. The lyrics tell a story of someone who is choosing recovery and it shows. He has a changed perspective about himself and his life. Just for today, he is free. He has made peace with his past. He has found faith and is seeking hope. And when he is on his knees, he holds on to what he believes and finds the strength within to rise Again. He is living recovery with heart and desire and is seeing his life coming to light. This for me is at the heart of recovery. The manifestation of one's spirituality coming into full view is recovery at its best. It's not magic, it's a transformation. It's not external, but rather internal. There is a name for this. It's a term that you are likely to hear over and over again in 12 step programs: Recovery is an inside job.

My understanding of recovery

I remember taking a class on addiction recovery many years ago and the professor walking in and asking the class to define recovery. Most of us were trying to connect recovery with addiction because after all, that was the reason we were there. But he had something else he wanted to teach us that day. This is what he said: We are all in recovery. Everyone in this room is in recovery. And this is what he meant: Recovery is about learning, growing, and change. The professor believed we were all there because we wanted to. We had made a choice to be there. And recovery is always a matter of choice. Recovery leads to a changed perspective and this is what he hoped and wished for everyone of us. What I learned that day is still very much with me today.

As a therapist, I view everyone who comes to see me as having a will towards health. This is where we begin as we make our way on a journey to become a better version of who we are. The client must be willing to use personal will, hope and freedom of choice to learn about themselves and begin the process of change. I remind them that change is possible and doable and they can do it.

We are all wounded. Whether we are in the process of recovering our true selves, or we are healing the wounded parts of our self, it is essential to see and fully understand our recovery as an inside job.

What recovery feels like and looks like from the inside

Here is the best line from the song to help us understand recovery from the inside: How I choose to feel is how I am.

The work is from within. It is about taking responsibility for your own life and choices. It's about regaining hope-faith-love and living from all three. It's about making the choice to feel good again or maybe for the first time believing that you are worth it. More importantly, recovery from the inside is being willing to work on yourself. The inside is what's hurting; it's where the pain/trauma lives and therefore this is what must be addressed in recovery.

Doing the internal work changes us, better yet, changes our hearts. As our recovery practice deepens, we practice gratitude and hold on to faith and hope. We come to believe that we matter and are worth saving. Recovery principles like honesty, spirituality, integrity, serenity, and being present become part of our new way of life. I have often heard people in recovery use the religious passage, "When I am weak, then I am strong" referencing they have a light within that is their recovery and so long as they keep choosing the bright side of life, everything will be okay.

Recovery, however, you define it, is something that comes to life by how we interact and live with ourselves, but also from our interactions with others. We are wounded in the context of our relationships with others, and we are healed in the same way. Recovery is not something we do alone. It is completely influenced by those you keep near. Choose wisely.

Concluding thoughts

Frankly, I love the song. Every time I listen to it, which is quite often, I can see in my mind's eye recovery as it is. BEAUTIFUL.
Recovery is beautiful. Beautiful to see. Beautiful to listen to. And the song captures all of it. This song may be about addiction recovery, but it can be applied to recovery in general. We can all relate to it if we keep an open mind.

                              Recovery is beautiful and the beauty is inside!

I invite you to listen to the song. Who knows, you might decide to enter into recovery. If you do, remember this: recovery from the inside will give you back your life, your mind, your heart, and above all, good spirits.

Quote for today

The goal of recovery is not to become normal. The goal is to embrace the human vocation of becoming more deeply, more fully human.
                                                       
                                                                                                        - Patricia E. Deegan

Take a listen

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfShR-wY8oQ

Thank you for reading!

Lesson in Self-Care

"You are holding a cup of coffee when someone comes along and bumps into you, making you spill your coffee everywhere. Why did you spill the coffee? Because there was coffee in your cup. Had there been tea in the cup, you would have spilled tea. The point is whatever is inside the cup, is what will spill out. When life comes along and shakes you, whatever is inside you will come out. It's easy to fake it, until you get rattled. So, we have to ask ourselves, "What's in my cup?" When life gets tough, what spills out? Joy, gratefulness, peace and humility? Or does anger, bitterness, harsh words and reactions come out? You choose! Today let's work towards filling our cups with gratitude, forgiveness, joy, words of affirmation, kindness, gentleness and love for others."  - Unknown

In this story "what's in my cup" represents what's in your heart. The "bumps" represents life's challenges, and the "spill" represents your reactions. The message is clear: when life comes along and shakes you, whatever is inside you comes out.

If you don't like what comes out, you can do something about it. But first, stop blaming life, someone else, or others; instead, look at how you are choosing to react to the people, places, things, and events in your every day life. Then ask yourself, "How is this working for me." It is vital that you understand that the solution comes from you. You must be willing to fill your cup with what's important and good for you. I can tell you that one of the best strategies to help you do that is: Self-Care. This I believe is the lesson of the story.

Self-care: feeds our mind, body, and spirit. It is intentional. We choose to do it. It requires that we pay attention to ourselves in all the right ways. It is unique to each person; what works for one may not work for another. We must fit it in to our schedule and make it a priority. One thing for sure, it has a positive effect on our thoughts, words, and actions and most especially our moods. It is all about the small yet significant ways we are willing to take care of ourselves. It replenishes us so we can keep on going. It's what we all need and it is Simple.

When self-care is a daily practice, what spills out  is more likely to be love, patience, and kindness with ourselves and others. Try it.

The following are some ideas of self-care for the mind, body, and spirit.

Mind

1- Take breaks throughout the day.
2- Surround yourself with positive people.
3- Make time for self-reflection.
4- Repeat thoughts and words of affirmations.
5- Read books that inspire and motivate you.
6- Speak the truth.
7- Let go of the small stuff.
8- Listen to music.
9- De-clutter. Clean out a space.
10- Escape from your own head- watch a movie.
11- Learn something new.

Body

1- Move the body. Walk. Run. Dance.
2- Deep breathing.
3- Stretch.
4- Make good food choices.
5- Wear comfortable clothes.
6- Be still. Rest.
7- Laugh. Smile. Cry.
8- Look at yourself and feel beautiful.
9- Slow down.
10- Take a long shower or bath.

Spirit

1- Pray. Meditate.
2- Journal.
3- Let yourself feel your emotions.
4- Spend time with friends and loved ones.
5- Reach out to others. Ask for help.
6- Do good and help others.
7- Take time for yourself.
8- Stop and smell the flowers.
9- Pursue your dreams and aspirations.
10- Let your values be your guide.
11- Create a gratitude list.
12- Love deeply. Say "I love you" often.
13- Fill your heart with joy.
14- Do more of what makes you happy.

A good and consistent self-care practice won't prevent hurt and pain from touching you, but it will carry you when it seems like things are falling apart.

Self-care is the healthiest form of self-protection. It is the road to inner peace. It will fill your heart with the good stuff to keep you going and make life and living worthwhile. Guaranteed!

I've included two of my favorite quotes on self-care. They inspire me to stay on track and I'm hoping they will do the same for you.

"When you regularly practice self-care, you are sending yourself a message: I am important."
                                                    - Nicole Nenninger

"We need to do a better job of putting ourselves higher on our own 'to do' list."
                                                    - Michelle Obama

Thank you for reading!


                                                                                                                

                                                                                                               

                                                                                                                 

                       

Open Up To Feeling

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

- Jalaluddin Rumi,
translation by Coleman Barks

In this short insightful poem, Rumi presents what I believe is a therapeutic perspective on what to do with your feelings. He uses the metaphor of a guest house to describe being human and the guests are your feelings. They are unexpected visitors with every morning a new arrival. Some stay for a while, but generally all are just passing through. What he is suggesting we do about our unexpected and sometimes uninvited guests is to Open Up our hearts and minds to All feelings no matter what they may be. 

Befriending our emotions without judgment is one of the best tools to help us heal, change and grow. When feelings come up, face them and accept them as they are. See it as an opportunity to look within and understand what is going on inside of you.

Feelings aren't facts; however, they do inform us of what is happening within us and provide guidance. They are neither good nor bad, right nor wrong; they just are. They reveal what we are thinking and tell us when something is not okay. If you can accept that each emotion exists for a reason, then perhaps you will understand that all feelings matter.

Giving yourself permission to experience your feelings, no matter what they are, will help you to become emotionally healthy. This in and of itself, makes it all worth it.

You need not act on what you feel. Instead, you can just listen to your feelings, understand what they mean, and let yourself observe knowing that the feelings are moving along. The feelings will lift when the time is right.

When emotions are allowed to exist, they do their time in the guest house, and then leave, but not before teaching us something about ourselves and our experiences. If you follow Rumi's advice, when new emotions (anger, sadness) come to you, open your door to let them in. Allow them their space and treat them with respect. Their presence may be clearing you out for some new delight. That said, you may need to go through the painful side of your feelings before you can get to the other side. It is a simple truth that pain and discomfort is never in vain if you use it to grow and heal. Going through this process can bring you calmness, peace and happiness.

But if you deny, ignore, or resist your feelings, they will gain strength and control over you. They will remain with you longer and keep you stuck. It is worse for you in the long run when you push down your emotions. They build up and may result in you acting out your feelings in self-destructive ways. The fact of feeling is this: The more we resist, the more they persist.

Rumi's poem begins and ends on a high note: every morning a new arrival, meaning, every day is a new beginning, new feelings and fresh way of being. Be grateful for whoever comes, whether good or bad, each has been sent as a guide from beyond to help you in some way. Everything we experience is valuable and has its lessons for us.

On a personal note, I have lived through and survived everything that has happened to me because I have allowed myself to have my feelings- All of them. I always joke that my feelings have kept me sane, and truth be told, acknowledging my feelings, honoring them just because they are a part of me, has gotten me through each and every time.

Reading this poem makes me appreciate what it means to be fully human and alive.
It serves as a good reminder that feeling is what makes us human and emotions are just emotions.

The next time, unwelcome feelings stop by your house, remember to meet them at the door laughing and invite them in. 

Thank you for reading!