Emotional Walls

" The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy."  - Jim Rohn

Understanding ourselves in the context of building emotional walls

Do you have a wall?

If so, then you know emotional walls come from a place of hurt and the need to self-protect. Building emotional walls is a common reaction to hurt-mental, emotional, or physical. It works as a defense mechanism that serves to create and maintain a separation between you and others.

Defense mechanisms can protect us from psychological harm. However, when overused, they can also backfire, and work against us. Such is the case with emotional walls.

Emotional walls come with risks. They create a barrier which blocks out not just the unwanted feelings, but also the wanted, more positive feelings too. The end result is numbing ourselves from experiencing all of our feelings.

Walling in ourselves and walling out others

Building walls of separation essentially helps us to shut down and to shut others out of our lives. The walls may keep people out, but inadvertently they keep us walled in with loneliness and isolation. The biggest problem in building emotional walls, especially high ones, is the risk of not experiencing  fully life and love. This in my opinion is too high a price to pay for protection.

On becoming your own best caretaker

There's a fearful side to all of us. We have all sorts of fears, and one of the most common is the fear of connecting with others intimately. We are afraid of revealing our vulnerability to others, exposing our true selves for fear of rejection, loss, pain, and anything we perceive as negative. So instead we isolate ourselves with our feelings and stay 'safe.' This is how it plays out for many. But you should know there is a different way.

First, willingly and steadily work through emotional blockages by reaching out to others who are able to listen. Consider seeing a therapist; investing in your mental health and well-being is worth it. You will learn that you do not have to disconnect yourself off from your feelings in order to be safe.

Begin to see the importance of focusing not just on the fears that bind you, but on your desire for love, closeness and intimacy. There is power in what we choose to give our attention to. Focus on what you want to make happen. Desire is a strong motivational tool.

Equally important is identifying inner strengths and values and using it as a guide for change. If you place a high value on truth, trust, honesty, hard work, and emotional healing, then strive to live and work by these principles. Personal values and knowing what our strengths are can keep us safe more than any wall can ever do.

We have all been hurt and chances are there is more to come. That said, no matter what happens in your life there is someone you can trust and depend on who will not leave you and that is YOU. This point can't be said enough. You are the most important person who can support you. When we trust ourselves and know we have our own back, we worry less on having to protect ourselves from others. I remind clients that emotional safety is necessary for emotional connection. When this is compromised, walls will go up and this in my mind, is not the way to living a life of love.

I repeat, learn to see that you are the person you can count on. Get better at walking away when something or someone is not right or good for you. When we speak the truth, we shut down less.

Don't beat yourself up for putting up emotional walls. What you need is healing. Awareness, understanding, and self-compassion will help you to make the changes you want to make.

Put your faith not in walls but in your own capacity to heal. We can do this in conversations and connections to others who are trustworthy.

Walls can go up and they can come down, realizing there is a choice can open the door to your freedom.

Thank you for reading!