Daughters
John Mayer
I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But, she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hand
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me
Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too.
Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left cleaning up the mess he made
So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too.
Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth from
A woman's good, good heart.
On behalf of every man
looking out for every girl
You are the God and weight of her world
So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too
" I loved a girl a lot, but she couldn't trust men. And if you trace it back as to why, it was the first man in her life she couldn't trust. This song "Daughters" really is a result of having traced it back trying to figure out how I could love this person and the answer is you can't because someone else didn't before you." - John Mayer
I chose this song to write about an important theme in our lives: past hurts. Something we can all identify with is the experience of emotional pain. What we do with it, however, is a personal matter and more importantly, a matter of choice. It is a choice to create something different, something better. Life is a matter of choices, and making a change is always a conscious choice.
The song puts out a strong message on the role parents play in the lives of their children as it relates to emotional development, love and intimacy. I certainly agree that parents are very important influencers and that their words and behavior can have a long lasting effect on their children. But at the same time, when it comes to parenting, we must practice caution in labeling mothers and fathers as good or bad. Negative labels perpetuate shame and do not lead to productive change in parents or their children, young and old.
What parents, caregivers and parents-to-be need to know: There is probably no one more important to children than you. Be present. Stay engaged. Tell them and show them how much they are loved. Children don't need a perfect upbringing; what they need is love. Give them your time, attention, and affection. Don't worry about making mistakes- you will make lots of them along the way. Turn bad decisions and mistakes into teaching moments and be quick to say to your children, "I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I will do better..." I have learned that children are big on forgiveness and they will embrace us time and time again.
As for adult children who carry emotional wounds from childhood, I want to say that it is not all doom and gloom. We can heal from the past.
You were given the life you had as a child by your parents, now it's up to you to create your own life.
What you need to understand: There is a healing effect of catharsis in tracing the hurt and pain back to its origin, but we must not allow ourselves to get stuck there. We must be careful to not get comfortable in just blaming others for our hurt. Pointing the finger at parents for past hurts can sometimes keep us stuck, feeling powerless, and unhappy. And the worst part of it is that it does not resolve the emotional pain we carry inside.
So what is the alternative?
Letting go of the old to make way for the new is how we overcome past hurts. Let me explain.
We all have emotional wounds. But it's not your pain that keeps you down, it's your thoughts about your pain that has you down. We feel the way we think. I must emphasize that it is not what happens to us that matters most, but what we tell ourselves about what happened that has the greatest impact in our lives.
The obstacle to change is always in our mind. You can change your life when you change your thinking. My motto has always been to look beyond where you are to where you want to be and let this be your guide. Stop feeling bad about yourself. This will get you no where. You must understand that you will live in a way that reinforces the image you have of yourself. If you see yourself as unworthy of love, your choices as well as your actions will reinforce your thoughts. Because you don't expect to be loved, you are more likely than not, to seek partners who will prove you right- "I am not lovable." The other scenario, is the one presented in the song in which the woman finds herself with a partner who wants to shower her with love and she is unable to receive it. She is still operating from the life instructions given to her by others- most likely a parent. She is in essence recreating the struggle of the past in present day. Sadly, this is all too common. It is how many of us attempt to rework our earlier heartbreaks and disappointments through new players. It doesn't work.
Here's what works: you must take responsibility for your life. As long as you continue to blame others, make excuses for yourself, and re-enact the pain of the past, you will not be emotionally healthy. You and only you can determine by your own choices which way your life is going to go. Realize that you are greatly influenced by what you think and say about yourself. If you identify with this song, this means you need to learn to believe the best about yourself. This is possible and it is doable, but you must be willing to do the work on your behalf. Know that positive change can happen in spite of your past. It is up to you. No one else can do this for you.
Our past does not have to play out in our present. Life isn't fair, but we don't have to be a victim of it. The reality is that we must be willing to let go of the old to allow for something new. If you are going to move forward in life, you must stop holding on to the past and using it against yourself. Deal with what happened or you will continue to relive it. Express your hurt and pain, but then get ready to move past it. When we become determined about getting well, growth is the gift we get in return.
What I have found most helpful in my own life is to refer to the past as needed. I use it as a reference guide, but I refuse to live there.
I have to say that one of the most powerful lessons for me in dealing with past hurts has been to see that I came out better than I would have had those experiences not happened to me. My willingness to turn pain into positive growth is an outlook that has enabled me to get bitterness and old resentments out of my life. It's freeing and truly works at keeping me healthy. I've had help along the way and so can you.
What is done is done. We can't change the past, we can only do something about right now. You have to make up your mind that you are going to move on. Focus on what you can change, rather than what you cannot.
Don't let your past hurts become your identity. If you really want to get better, you can. You may need to say to yourself, "that was then and this is now" many times over until you actually come to believe it. It is often said, recovery is a program of repetition. All healing is a program of repetition. It's hard work, but then again, aren't you worth it?
Thank you for reading!
I chose this song to write about an important theme in our lives: past hurts. Something we can all identify with is the experience of emotional pain. What we do with it, however, is a personal matter and more importantly, a matter of choice. It is a choice to create something different, something better. Life is a matter of choices, and making a change is always a conscious choice.
The song puts out a strong message on the role parents play in the lives of their children as it relates to emotional development, love and intimacy. I certainly agree that parents are very important influencers and that their words and behavior can have a long lasting effect on their children. But at the same time, when it comes to parenting, we must practice caution in labeling mothers and fathers as good or bad. Negative labels perpetuate shame and do not lead to productive change in parents or their children, young and old.
What parents, caregivers and parents-to-be need to know: There is probably no one more important to children than you. Be present. Stay engaged. Tell them and show them how much they are loved. Children don't need a perfect upbringing; what they need is love. Give them your time, attention, and affection. Don't worry about making mistakes- you will make lots of them along the way. Turn bad decisions and mistakes into teaching moments and be quick to say to your children, "I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I will do better..." I have learned that children are big on forgiveness and they will embrace us time and time again.
As for adult children who carry emotional wounds from childhood, I want to say that it is not all doom and gloom. We can heal from the past.
You were given the life you had as a child by your parents, now it's up to you to create your own life.
What you need to understand: There is a healing effect of catharsis in tracing the hurt and pain back to its origin, but we must not allow ourselves to get stuck there. We must be careful to not get comfortable in just blaming others for our hurt. Pointing the finger at parents for past hurts can sometimes keep us stuck, feeling powerless, and unhappy. And the worst part of it is that it does not resolve the emotional pain we carry inside.
So what is the alternative?
Letting go of the old to make way for the new is how we overcome past hurts. Let me explain.
We all have emotional wounds. But it's not your pain that keeps you down, it's your thoughts about your pain that has you down. We feel the way we think. I must emphasize that it is not what happens to us that matters most, but what we tell ourselves about what happened that has the greatest impact in our lives.
The obstacle to change is always in our mind. You can change your life when you change your thinking. My motto has always been to look beyond where you are to where you want to be and let this be your guide. Stop feeling bad about yourself. This will get you no where. You must understand that you will live in a way that reinforces the image you have of yourself. If you see yourself as unworthy of love, your choices as well as your actions will reinforce your thoughts. Because you don't expect to be loved, you are more likely than not, to seek partners who will prove you right- "I am not lovable." The other scenario, is the one presented in the song in which the woman finds herself with a partner who wants to shower her with love and she is unable to receive it. She is still operating from the life instructions given to her by others- most likely a parent. She is in essence recreating the struggle of the past in present day. Sadly, this is all too common. It is how many of us attempt to rework our earlier heartbreaks and disappointments through new players. It doesn't work.
Here's what works: you must take responsibility for your life. As long as you continue to blame others, make excuses for yourself, and re-enact the pain of the past, you will not be emotionally healthy. You and only you can determine by your own choices which way your life is going to go. Realize that you are greatly influenced by what you think and say about yourself. If you identify with this song, this means you need to learn to believe the best about yourself. This is possible and it is doable, but you must be willing to do the work on your behalf. Know that positive change can happen in spite of your past. It is up to you. No one else can do this for you.
Our past does not have to play out in our present. Life isn't fair, but we don't have to be a victim of it. The reality is that we must be willing to let go of the old to allow for something new. If you are going to move forward in life, you must stop holding on to the past and using it against yourself. Deal with what happened or you will continue to relive it. Express your hurt and pain, but then get ready to move past it. When we become determined about getting well, growth is the gift we get in return.
What I have found most helpful in my own life is to refer to the past as needed. I use it as a reference guide, but I refuse to live there.
I have to say that one of the most powerful lessons for me in dealing with past hurts has been to see that I came out better than I would have had those experiences not happened to me. My willingness to turn pain into positive growth is an outlook that has enabled me to get bitterness and old resentments out of my life. It's freeing and truly works at keeping me healthy. I've had help along the way and so can you.
What is done is done. We can't change the past, we can only do something about right now. You have to make up your mind that you are going to move on. Focus on what you can change, rather than what you cannot.
Don't let your past hurts become your identity. If you really want to get better, you can. You may need to say to yourself, "that was then and this is now" many times over until you actually come to believe it. It is often said, recovery is a program of repetition. All healing is a program of repetition. It's hard work, but then again, aren't you worth it?
Thank you for reading!
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