Thursday, December 29, 2016
What I Wish For You...
As we bid farewell to 2016 and welcome the fresh start of a new year, I wish you...
Abundance
"Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance." -Eckhart Tolle
Awareness
"The things we think about, focus on, and surround ourselves with will ultimately shape who we become." -Joyce Meyer
Clarity
"The direction of your focus is the direction your life will move. Let yourself move toward what is good, valuable, strong and true." -Ralph Marston
Compassion
"Our sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touch them with compassion." -Buddha
Confidence
"Stop hating yourself for everything you aren't. Start loving yourself for everything that you are." -Unknown
Courage
"What may look like a small act of courage is courage nevertheless. The important thing is to be willing to take a step forward." -Daisaku Ikeda
Determination
"We all have problems. The way we solve them is what makes us different." -Unknown
Empathy
"Empathy is the antidote to shame." - Brene Brown
Faith
"Look well into thyself; there is a source of strength which will always spring up if thou wilt always look there." -M. Antoniinus
Freedom
"In our lives, change is unavoidable, loss is unavoidable. In the adaptability and ease with which we experience change lies our happiness and freedom." -Buddha
Friendship
"We can live without religion and meditation, but we cannot survive without human affection." -Dalai Lama
Happiness
"Happiness is a choice, not a result. Nothing will make you happy until you choose to be happy. No person will make you happy unless you decide to be happy. Your happiness will not come to you. It can only come from you." -Ralph Marston
Health
"He who has health has hope, and he who has hope has everything." -Proverb
Kindness
"Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." -Plato
Laughter
"From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere." -Dr. Seuss
Love
"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in." -Morrie Schwartz
Peace
"For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
Thankfulness
"If you are really thankful, what do you do? You share." -W. Clement Stone
Trust
"Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do." -Benjamin Spock
Understanding
"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding." -Khalil Gibran
As you go through, and sometimes struggle with life, find and trust your inner wisdom and it will take care of you.
Here's to life and living. Happy New Year!!
Sunday, December 4, 2016
A Better You
Anyway : The Paradoxical Commandments ~ By Kent M. Keith
People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.
The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down
by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.
People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.
This inspirational poem written in 1968 is as relevant today as it was back then during the Vietnam War, Civil Rights Movement, and the assassinations of US President John F Kennedy and Martin Luther King. What do these historical events have in common besides the fact they all occurred in the 1960s? They were very challenging and difficult times for our nation. Many remember it as a time and place of great uncertainty, insecurity, and fear. Fast forward 48 years later and here we are again- living with a pervasive sense of dread of what is to come as a result of the United States presidential election of 2016. It appears to be open season on overt racism, sexism, and xenophobia which only means we have a fear of change and a fear of people. People are talking about this everywhere. Yes, even in therapy.
As a therapist, I have had the privilege of listening to the voices of good people who are afraid that our beautiful multicultural country is under attack by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds. Good-hearted people are concerned not just for themselves, but for others; afraid that we are moving backwards on issues of diversity, individual freedom and the need to respect all lifestyles. But, what if we use these hard times for deep reflection and conversations about who we are, what we stand for, and what really matters in our lives. Although the ugly has come out, this only serves to bring out the greater good. Change is never linear. Set-backs can actually push us to go further.
This poem literally points the way- a nicer way to move in all areas of life. It offers a strong message on bringing out your better self in the face of adversity. When clients ask what they can do to make a difference, my response is always the same: Be A Better You. Altering lives for the better must begin with changing yours first.
It is possible to be a better you in spite of the circumstances around you. What does this look like in our daily lives? Less self-serving, more self-giving. Less indifference, more empathy. Less fear, more courage. Less denial, more truth. Less ignorance, more understanding. Less hate, more love. Less conflict, more peace. Less pessimism, more optimism. Less dishonesty, more openness. Less exclusion, more involvement. Committing to this way of life will help you discover the freedom that comes from knowing that you decide who you are and how you live.
Helping others and doing good is not always easy, but I believe without a doubt, it is the best way to live providing us with the highest returns for a happier, more fulfilling, meaningful life.
In challenging and difficult times, do your best.
Thank you for reading!
Saturday, November 12, 2016
Feeling Blue at Holiday Time
'Tis the season' when emotions run high and many experience the holiday blues. It is not uncommon even for those who are generally content with life to feel lonely and sad with a mix of anxiety and depression during holiday time. The reasons for this can vary depending on what is happening in your life and your outlook on things right now. Let us remember, all things are passing.
Having a holiday perspective that builds on hope, courage, peace and love may serve as a reminder that there are always things we can do to help ourselves.
First and foremost, it's ok to feel what you feel. Not everyone embraces the holidays with joy. Even if you start out with holiday cheer, the holiday stress can easily turn to holiday blues. Let the feelings surface, learn from them, and then let them pass. Your feelings are an indication of your aliveness, sensitivity and openness. Having our feelings is a sign of health and expressing them is an act of courage. Those who are honest about their emotions tend to be the least stuck and better able to return to a state of well-being much sooner than later. Find someone you can share your feelings with; someone who listens well and responds thoughtfully.
Be open to helpful alternatives for self-soothing through art, music, writing, meditation, prayer and fitness. Go to the places that bring comfort to you; do the things that make you feel good and spend time with people who love you. Sources of healing are everywhere; find what works for you and get the relief you need to help you move forward.
Tell yourself that whatever you feel today, tomorrow is another day and you may feel differently. Your struggles today are part of the human experience. Nothing more, nothing less. Respond with self-compassion and not self-judgment.
As you experience this season, take the time to be intentional in recognizing and acknowledging how you have been loved and cared for by others. The practice of being thankful helps us focus on what we have rather than what we don't have. No matter what we are going through today, there is always something to be thankful for.
Stay in the present moment as much as possible. Look at what is right in yourself, in others and the world around you. Accept the warmth and support from others; let yourself cry when the tears are there, but don't be afraid to laugh. This will get you through.
If you experience painful thoughts, acknowledge them and let them pass. Allow them in and out without beating yourself up over it. It's all part of our humanness. Inner peace will come when we allow ourselves to see what is.
In good times and in bad times, nothing stays the same and as Victor Hugo once said, "even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise." Whatever place you are during this time of year, this is but a moment in time.
'Tis the season' to just BE.
Thank you for reading!
Sunday, October 23, 2016
The Thought Effect
WATCH YOUR THOUGHTS
WATCH YOUR THOUGHTS;
THEY BECOME YOUR WORDS.
WATCH YOUR WORDS;
THEY BECOME YOUR ACTIONS.
WATCH YOUR ACTIONS;
THEY BECOME HABIT.
WATCH YOUR HABITS;
THEY BECOME YOUR CHARACTER.
WATCH YOUR CHARACTER;
IT BECOMES YOUR DESTINY.
- Lao Tzu
As we think, we become. You might say, thoughts create everything.
Be aware of your thoughts for they have power over the kind of life you live. The thoughts we think influence what we say, what we feel, and ultimately what we DO.
When we repeat the same thoughts over and over again they become Dominant, Reoccurring, and Habitual. These same thoughts become our thinking pattern, and for better or worse, they impact every aspect of our lives and define our life experiences.
Many of us get stuck focusing on our feelings and would benefit immensely if we would pay more attention to the way we think. Doing so, is key to understanding our actions and reactions and making adjustments to feel better. Put another way, observing your thoughts and making adjustments will influence significantly the emotions you feel and the actions you take.
Here's a rule of thumb that will help you understand the thought effect: If you're experiencing negative emotions and you do nothing to change the thoughts to relieve the distress of these uncomfortable feelings, you can expect to feel worse. Thoughts trigger feelings that are aligned with your thinking.
On a positive note, however, we can always change our mind and replace negative thoughts with ones that promote growth and positive results.
Remember, our thoughts either makes us feel good or makes us feel bad. The choice is ours.
Keep your thoughts working in your favor:
1- Get in the practice of listening to your thoughts. What are the dominant thoughts about yourself, others and life in general that keep replaying in your head that are not serving you well? They are probably old, not practical, and in need of replacement. Change the thoughts and beliefs that need changing.
2- Interrupt negative thinking by making a choice to stop rather than continue your familiar path.
3- Put forth the effort to understand your ways of thinking, but don't get stuck analyzing them too long. Change is the name of the game. Be deliberate in your effort to choose thoughts that help you feel good and motivate you to do better.
4- Concentrate on what you want, what's important and meaningful to you, rather than what you don't want. It is always what we give our attention to that determines the depth of our personal peace.
Remember: Negative thinking is never constructive.
Think on this:
I CAN BE HURT BY NOTHING BUT MY THOUGHTS.
Lesson 281
A Course In Miracles
May you think thoughtfully and well.
Thank you for reading!
Wednesday, September 28, 2016
Friday, September 2, 2016
Getting Out Of Your Shame
"But shame is like a wound that is never exposed and therefore never heals." - Andreas Eschbach
There are somethings we don't want to talk about. Shame is one of them. More often than not, we prefer to stay silent and live with shame about ourselves in secrecy. We try to hide it and forge ahead. The question is, how is this method of coping helpful to us?
Living with shame about who we perceive ourselves to be is living with emotional pain. But, there is an alternative. The best solution to getting out of our shame is by exposing it. Facing our shame and speaking of it is a better way to get out of our shame-based thinking and into a happier way of being.
A closer look at shame and how it differs from guilt:
"Guilt says I've done something wrong... shame says there is something wrong with me. Guilt says I've made a mistake... shame says I am a mistake. Guilt says what I did was not good... shame says I am no good." - John Bradshaw
Guilt focuses on our behavior while shame focuses on who we are. Shame eats at the self by perpetuating the painful feeling that we are somehow broken, damaged, unlovable, unworthy, and bad. A pervasive sense of shame has its origin in childhood. Its seed is based on how we were treated and how we were made to feel about ourselves in the context of our relationships and interactions with others.
"Shame is a soul eating emotion." - C.G. Jung
Helpful ways to manage shame:
"If we share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can't survive." - Brene Brown
When we give voice to shame, and we meet up with warm-heartedness, it becomes smaller and we become stronger.
There are three words that help us to overcome feelings of shame: understanding, compassion and love.
Shame does not stand a chance when we have an understanding of how we got to where we are, have self-compassion and are open to receive love from others. Letting others love you until you can love yourself is the key to freeing yourself from the shame that lives inside you. As I see it, love is the antidote to shame.
"Love is the most proven way to overcome the feelings of shame." - Sigmund Freud
Getting out of your shame can be broken down into these steps:
1. Face your shame. Bring it out into the open. You will be uncomfortable at first, but eventually will experience a sense of peace with the feelings that live inside you.
2. Surround yourself with people who believe in you and encourage your best self to come out. The ones who spark your desire to do better and to change. Tell them how and what you are feeling. Shame diminishes wherever there is love, support, acceptance, and nurturing.
3. Get to the underlying core feelings that drive your shame whether it is disappointment in yourself, guilt or sadness and start rebuilding from there.
4. Work at making peace with your past by understanding that forgiving self and others is key to healing our wounds. Remember a willingness to shift your shame based perspective will put you on the road to health.
5. Build on your spirituality. It does not have to be of a religious nature, but more about what connects you to life and people in a meaningful way. Discover what gives your life purpose and live it.
6. Practice self-compassion by letting in good thoughts and feelings with the start of each new day.
7. When you feel shame, remember that no one is perfect.
Get yourself out of shame. You deserve to move on with your life!
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
Self-Neglect: Acting Against Yourself
" Your problem is you're...too busy holding onto your unworthiness." - Ram Dass
Self-neglect in simple terms, is acting against yourself. It manifests itself when self-love is in short supply.
It hurts to live this way and it hurts to see those we love and care for self-neglecting. If you are one to neglect your wants, needs, and personal responsibilities, this is my message to you- It is never, ever okay to abandon yourself. Mistreating yourself is wrong, hurtful and destructive. You are worth loving. You can learn to give yourself your own love and affection. But first, you must be willing to see that what you are doing is a form of self-betrayal and unacceptable.
Here is what you need to understand: Self-neglect is essentially neglect of one's life. My question to you: Who treated you poorly and made you feel you were not worthy of love? When we act against ourselves we are essentially continuing where others who hurt us left off. We may be resentful of what others have done to us, but we must look at what we are continuing to do to ourselves.
There are some who have learned to see self-care as being selfish, self-serving and self-involved. They feel guilty whenever they help themselves and do good. Holding on to this way of thinking is unhelpful and contributes to a perpetual state of unhappiness. The truth is that learning to take better care of ourselves is a life necessity and not a selfish act. As we learn better self-care, we become healthier in the awareness that how we treat ourselves is completely up to us. You have a right to feel good about yourself and self-neglect will never get you there.
Understanding with compassion why we do what we do can be the start to breaking the cycle of self-neglect. Often, when we feel defeated by life, and by those who have harmed us, we react by turning on ourselves. But acting against ourselves is not helpful. Perhaps your self-neglecting choices and behaviors stem from unresolved rage, sadness, resentments, grief, unhelpful guilt, or self-loathing. There may be a yearning for love, a fantasy that just maybe someone will save you from yourself and then everything will be fine. Maybe the root cause is a lack of forgiveness over past actions and the need for self-punishment for all the woulda-coulda-shouldas that never happened. Whatever the case may be, you don't have to do this anymore. Believe that you are capable of changing.
Consider taking on a new perspective about yourself and life in general.
Food for thought:
1. The opposite of self-neglect is helping yourself and doing what is good for you.
2. Pay attention to yourself in all the right ways.
3. Observe yourself in action. Notice if it's been you all along blocking your own pathway.
4. Look to see if what you are doing is helpful or not. Your life, Your responsibility. No one else can do this but you.
5. Clarify your values on living better and base your actions on supporting what is most important to you. Honor your value system and live by it. It works.
6. Ask yourself the following: What matters most to me and am I living it? How is what I'm doing working for me in my life today?
7. There are always alternatives to current behaviors. The choice is yours to make.
8. When you see yourself repeating old patterns of behavior that no longer serve you well, look for ways to bring yourself to a place of health without critical judgment.
9. Learn to give yourself what you are wanting others to give. It starts with you.
10. Live more authentically as you approach each new day by honoring both your inner and outer self. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
11. Stop believing your own negative thoughts. Allow positive thoughts to come in its place. Repeat until you can accept them as being true for you.
12. See your life journey for what it is- life experiences made up of some good, some bad with everything just being a matter of perspective.
13. Stop living in the past. The present is where you will find life, love and joy.
14. Focus on what you can do rather than on what you cannot do. Change what you can and make peace with the rest.
15. Forgive yourself so you can leave behind people, places and things that are unhealthy for you. Repeat: I forgive myself. Keep saying it until believe it.
16. The best way to move past a heavy heart: feel your feelings, all of them. Acknowledge them, then release your grip on them. Let them go until you meet again. And then do it all over again.
17. You can go from being a victim, to being a survivor, and then to living. It's true, just ask someone who has been there and has come out stronger in their understanding that life is what you make it out to be.
18. Life is to be lived one day at a time and so is self-healing. Change is made more manageable when we are willing to take small steps day in and day out.
19. Let in other people who love and support you. Allow for others to help you. Free yourself from isolation and watch yourself go. This is what I call real life miracles in our everyday living.
20. Remember, we are ALL wounded. Do the right thing on your behalf and don't worry about the outcome. Any small steps you take will ALWAYS be better than none at all.
A better life begins with you.
Thank you for reading!
Thursday, August 4, 2016
For the Girls
For the Girls, whether young or just young at heart, this one's for you.
Try Lyrics
by Colbie Caillat
Put your make-up on
Get your nails done
Curl your hair
Run the extra mile
Keep it slim so they like you, do they like you?
Get your sexy on
Don't be shy, girl
Take it off
This is what you want, to belong, so they like you
Do you like you?
You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try
Mm, mm
Get your shopping on, at the mall, max
your credit cards
You don't have to choose, buy it all, so
they like you
Do they like you?
Wait a second,
Why, should you care, what they think of you
When you're all alone, by yourself, do you
like you?
Do you like you?
You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing
You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to bend until you break
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try
Mm, mm
You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try
Take your make-up off
Let your hair down
Take a breath
Look into the mirror, at yourself
Don't you like you?
'Cause I like you
Do the words to this song speak to you? If so, you're not alone. Most of us have been there, done that and many others are living it. We must understand there are so many young girls and women alike who are struggling with self-image, imperfection and confidence. They believe that if they look and act a certain way people will like them and accept them. Not so. Trying so hard to gain acceptance doesn't help us to feel good about ourselves.
There are some valuable lessons we learn to appreciate with age. Self-acceptance happens to be one them. The value of accepting ourselves for who we are is one that often takes time to fully integrate into our lives. Nevertheless, I believe that by sharing our experiences and vulnerabilities we can help others to see themselves in a new light. This would be a gift of love.
I chose this song for its beautiful and empowering message to women about the importance of connecting with who they really are. Allowing yourself to be who you are has a name: it's called loving. When you dare to show the real you, happiness and confidence has a real chance of surfacing.
Whatever you do, do it because you want to not because you feel that you have to. It is important to understand that acceptance is self-given. It is within us and never in some other place.
If you find yourself to be in short supply of healthy self-esteem, one of the best remedies for this is to change your behavior. Self-esteem doesn't come from pleasing others or being what you think others want you to be. Self-esteem comes from your actions- those that affirm your worth, value and self-love.
When in doubt about your natural beauty, remember these words: "Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder." - Plato
Beauty is subjective. What someone finds beautiful, another person may not. You don't have to try so hard.
It is my wish that you simply be you and see that you are all right.
Thank you for reading and take in the song. Below is the link to this must see video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXoZLPSw8U8
Friday, July 22, 2016
The Cost of Worrying
What is the cost on our well-being to worry incessantly? Though we know that it's not useful to hang onto worrying, so many of us do it anyway.
It is important to note that worrying can be helpful when it results in problem resolution and taking care of yourself. On the other hand, worrying is completely unhelpful when it serves to hold you back and keep you in a place of misery.
This piece that you are about to read is a reflection on excessive worry when it comes up, what it does to a life, and the use of wise sayings to help you manage the worrier in you.
Worry is fear. Concern over events that might happen in the future. Ruminating over what happened in the past. Living with dread. Missing the moment. Takes the joy of life. Does not prevent bad things from happening. Steals our peace. Keeps us scared. Tense. Anxious. A waste of time. Draining. Exhausting. Makes you feel powerless. Helpless. Frustrated. Stressed out. Unhappy. Keeps you painfully distracted. Busy inside your head. A barrier to living life fully. Unhelpful habit. Heartsick. Living from the what ifs. Leads to self-neglect. Self-torture. Hurtful connection to life. Suffering. Doesn't work.
Transforming worry when it is a part of you is possible when you feel it, express it and are willing to release it. The best remedy against worry is to live in the moment. Change the focus inside your head from past or future to NOW. Concentrating on TODAY makes life more manageable and helps you to move forward in your life. Our worries may look bigger and more frightening in our minds, but become smaller and less powerful when shared with those who love and support us. Worrying becomes weaker by trusting that we have what we need to handle whatever may come our way. Let us remember that much of our worries exist in our imaginary world and do not necessarily happen.
What not to do: Don't berate or get upset with yourself for worrying. This only serves to intensify your feelings and makes you feel worse. Instead, practice self- acceptance and understanding, both of which help us to get to a place of inner peace.
I invite you to consider Thich Nhat Hanh's simple in-breath and out-breath meditation to help you let go of worry. It is basically the practice of breathing in the present: "Breathing in, I know that worry is in me. Breathing out, I smile to my worry." * Focus on your breath and watch how your body relaxes and your state of agitation lessens. This very simple exercise works wonders to bring you back to the present moment.
Wise Sayings to help you regain a perspective when your worry comes up again:
I am an old man and I have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
-Mark Twain
If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it.
-Mary Engelbreit
Rule number one is, don't sweat the small stuff. Rule number two is, it's all small stuff.
-Robert Eliot
Worry trades the joy of now for the unlikely catastrophes of later.
-Tim Fargo
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere.
-English proverb
Action is worry's worst enemy.
-American proverb
Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry- all forms of fear- are caused by too much future, and not enough presence.
-Eckhart Tolle
Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvelously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky. Our ears can still hear the voices of our loved ones.
-Thich Nhat Hanh
If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.
-Lao Tzu
The next time your worry comes up, remember All Things are Passing.
I wish you peace.
* Adapted from Thich Nhat Hanh's Fear: Essential Wisdom for Getting Through the Storm
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Value Who You Are
A short story on valuing yourself no matter what.
Twenty Dollars
- Author Unknown
A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?"
Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you- but first, let me do this."
He proceeded to crumple the 20 dollar note up. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.
"Well," he replied, "what if I do this?" He dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?"
Still the hands went into the air.
"My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless; but no matter what happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.
Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes, not in what we do or who we know, but by...WHO WE ARE.
You are special - don't ever forget it.
My thoughts on self-value and the importance of becoming aware of how we look at ourselves:
Valuing and accepting ourselves may not always be easy, but we must keep at it. And here's why: The most important relationship a person can have is the one with his or her own self. This is a fact, not an opinion.
Self-value is pivotal for anyone who is committed to health. When you value who you are, not just with words but in action, you inadvertently let others know how you expect to be treated.
It's bad enough when others try to devalue us because of what is lacking in them, but even worse when we do it to ourselves.
Unfortunately, so many of us have learned to focus on what we are not, rather than what we are. We focus on the negative and forget about the positives. No matter what we do, whether big or small, we tend to zero in on our mistakes and imperfections. We ignore or minimize our achievements and ruminate over our perceived failures. Then we let these "failures" define us. But here's the thing: The feeling of shame that is often part of this scenario is not reality based given the nature of the situation or circumstance.
What's the alternative? Honor your strengths, acknowledge your limitations, accept the mix of both and get to feel better about who you are. It is only by recognizing and building on our strengths that we are then able to find the courage to change.
Give your attention to what you can do rather than what you can't do. Know that self-value is best demonstrated by the actions you are willing to take on your own behalf. I firmly believe success in our lives mostly comes from saying, "yes, I can" "I will" and challenging yourself with, "Why not me?"
It is important to know that self-value rises and falls based on what we think, what we say, how we feel, and how we act. The wise thing to do is to frequently look at yourself without tearing yourself up inside and make adjustments along the way.
Should you find yourself with people who don't see you for who you are, the best choice may be to let go and move on. Tell yourself, hard choices are part of life and you deserve better.
Make it an essential part of self-care to discover healing sources in people, places and things that strengthen your spirit, and help you see your worth. Learn to support yourself with kindness, love and respect, knowing the one person you will always be with is you.
Your best life comes when you value yourself!
This piece is dedicated to a special someone named Kara, who is starting a new chapter in her life. It is my wish for you that wherever you go, wherever you are, in good times, and in bad times, may you always remember the value of you.
Saturday, June 11, 2016
Talk For Healing
"It isn't the trauma that makes us sick. It's the inability to talk about the trauma." -Alice Miller
In recovery circles, it is often said, we are as sick as the secret we keep. I firmly believe this to be true. As a therapist, it is my task to help clients understand it is not what is said, but rather what is left unsaid that can keep them "stuck" and unable to change unhealthy behaviors.
The psychological maxim: "Name it, Claim it, Tame it" is a healthier alternative that helps us heal and move forward. It is my belief that we can get through anything if we are willing and able to talk about it.
Talk is for me a healing cleansing. It is an instant catharsis. Intense feelings become less intense after a good talk with someone you trust and this can bring about immense relief.
There is no doubt about the incredible healing effects of talking and being listened to-whether you talk with a friend, a family member, support group or therapist, this duality is naturally therapeutic. The act of telling your story is empowering and the act of listening is valuing the speaker and showing that what he/she is saying is important. This combination is perhaps the most powerful tool of healing.
But here's the best part of honestly sharing your thoughts and feelings: you get to own them. Anything that we claim as ours, we can release. What we get in return is our freedom from what binds us to past and/or present hurts.
Talk for healing.
You decide.
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Your Addiction Comes Clean
Dear Friend,
I've come to visit once again. I love to see you suffer mentally, physically, spiritually, and socially. I want to have you restless so you can never relax. I want you jumpy and nervous and anxious. I want to make you agitated and irritable so everything and everybody makes you uncomfortable. I want you to be depressed and confused so that you can't think clearly or positively. I want to make you hate everything and everybody-especially yourself. I want you to feel guilty and remorseful for the things you have done in the past that you'll never be able to let go. I want to make you angry and hateful toward the world for the way it is and the way you are. I want you to feel sorry for yourself and blame everything but your addiction for the way things are. I want you to be deceitful and untrustworthy, and to manipulate and con as many people as possible. I want to make you fearful and paranoid for no reason at all and I want you to wake up during all hours of the night screaming for me. You know you can't sleep without me; I'm even in your dreams.
I want to be the first thing you wake up to every morning and the last thing you touch before you black out. I would rather kill you, but I'll be happy enough if I can put you back in the hospital, another institution or jail. But you know that I'll still be waiting for you when you come out. I love to watch you slowly going insane. I love to see all the physical damage that I'm causing you. I can't help but sneer and chuckle when you shiver and shake, when you freeze and sweat at the same time, when you wake up with your sheets and blankets soaking wet.
It's amazing how much destruction I can do to your internal organs while at the same time, work on your brain, destroying it bit by bit. I deeply appreciate how much you sacrifice for me.
The countless good jobs you have sacrificed for me. All the fine friends that you deeply cared for- you gave them up for me. And what's more, for the ones you turned against yourself because of your inexcusable actions-I am more than grateful.
And especially your loved ones, your family, and the most important people in the world to you. You even threw them away for me. I cannot express in words the gratitude I have for the loyalty you have for me. You sacrificed all these beautiful things in your life just to devote yourself completely to me. But do not despair my friend, for on me you can always depend. For after you have lost all these things, you can still depend on me to take even more. You can depend on me to keep you in living hell, to keep your mind, body, and soul. For I WILL NOT BE SATISFIED UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD MY FRIEND.
Faithfully yours,
Your addiction and drug of choice
I spent many years running support groups for patients in addiction recovery. This powerful letter was always a good ice breaker for newcomers to see and understand their place in the group. As a therapeutic tool, it exposes the nature of the disease and shows its true colors. For many, this letter serves as an eye-opener, helping addicts look at the devastating effects of addiction and putting the spotlight on their similarities rather than their differences. It never fails to get everyone's attention.
While it is true that no two addicts are exactly the same, once addiction is evident, it takes on a life force of it's own. It's aim and sole purpose is to destroy. Make no mistake about it, the wrath of addiction becomes stronger, more potent the longer it goes untreated.
Addiction is a chronic disease with a fatal outcome if not treated. The good news is that it's also a treatable disease and recovery can be a reality. Getting clean and sober is one of the most important choices someone can make for him or herself. The road to recovery may be a hard one, but so worth it. The same degree of effort and perseverance that goes into seeking, obtaining and using substances will be required of the addict who is serious in his or her pursuit of recovery.
If it's you or someone that you know struggling with addiction, the first step is admitting that you have a problem and deciding to do whatever it takes to get better. It is often the case that we become open to change when the pain of escape becomes greater than the pain of reality.
The disease cannot hide forever. Eventually, your addiction will come clean with you. The question is, will you listen?
Coming to terms with the truth is freedom. I wish you both.
Source:
Letter from your addiction available on the internet
Author Unknown
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
Teachings From Mother Earth
Teach Me...
A Ute Prayer
Earth teach me stillness
as the grasses are stilled with light.
Earth teach me suffering
as old stones suffer with memory.
Earth teach me humility
as blossoms are humble with beginning.
Earth teach me caring
as the mother who secures her young.
Earth teach me courage
as the tree which stands all alone.
Earth teach me limitation
as the ant which crawls on the ground.
Earth teach me freedom
as the eagle which soars in the sky.
Earth teach me resignation
as the leaves which die in the fall.
Earth teach me regeneration
as the seed which rises in the spring.
Earth teach me to forget myself
as melted snow forgets its life.
Earth teach me to remember kindness
as dry fields weep with rain.
This Native American prayer is an absolute gem. Over the years, I have come to see this prayer as a blueprint for a way of being that makes us fully human. It presents human characteristics as the essentials for life that when put to use can give meaning to our existence. We can all learn and develop these qualities through practice and attention, and by doing so, they become our strengths.
The act of...
stillness allows for self-reflection, self-knowledge, and self-awareness. Make time to be still and you will see with the heart what is most important and be thankful for it.
suffering is the common thread that unites us as human beings. It is the painful side of life that none of us want to experience; however, if we keep an open mind, we will see there is meaning in the midst of our suffering. Our attitude towards personal suffering can transform tragedy into triumph.
humility makes us teachable. It allows us to appreciate others, listen more and speak less.
caring for and helping other people is a gesture of love that benefits the giver even more than the receiver. Showing that you care keeps your heart open and makes you a better person.
courage is moving forward in spite of fear. It takes courage to take responsibility for your life and allow yourself to be real.
knowing and acknowledging our limitations helps us lose our arrogance. Being realistic about what we know and don't know is a strength that allows us to make progress and lead the life we want.
freedom is the ability to choose our thoughts, have our feelings, and create our own path in life. Real freedom comes from the choices we make and how we respond to life's challenges in any one moment.
resignation is perhaps stated best by Reinhold Niebuhr, "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Resignation is also knowing when it's time to let go and move on.
regeneration requires ongoing maintenance. It relates to the importance of replenishing our bodies, our selves - spiritually, mentally, and emotionally by looking within and being open to support from others.
forget myself has to do with shifting the focus from self to other long enough to help those in need. It is about paying attention and being engaged with others. In other words, " Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand." (Philippians 2:4 MSG)
kindness is all good. It softens the heart and brings happiness to both the giver and the receiver. Choose to live with kindness. Be kind with yourself and others. Remember, when someone is unkind to you, that's about them and not you. Try not to personalize everything that happens to you. It's not always about you.
Finding meaning in life is what a well lived life is all about. May the message in this prayer help you see what's most significant in your world.
Cheers!
Saturday, April 16, 2016
Resilience In The Face Of Fragility
It is so important to understand that we are both resilient and fragile beings. It is not a matter of being one or the other, but more of seeing how we are both.
The story I am about to share with you is true and is about someone I love deeply, my mother. It is not based on scientific research but more of a personal nature. It is my hope that by sharing this story it will serve as a reminder that life is precious and when life hits hard, forcing us to see our fragility, let us not forget to see the resilience that is also a part of us.
The story:
A few weeks ago, my mother was taken to the ER for acute stomach pain. Earlier that day, my daughter and I had spent a nice afternoon with my mother and after a late lunch, we parted and everything seemed fine. At some point, during the middle of the night, I was awaken to a telephone call that my mom was in acute distress and needed to go to the hospital immediately. My family and I rushed to be with her as she was taken by EMT to the ER.
She was diagnosed with gallstone pancreatitis. Her condition worsened rapidly with a physical decline that was just unstoppable. The pain was unbearable and we could see just how fragile her physical state was in just a matter of a few hours.
The solution was to remove the gallbladder which I understand is a common and non-life threatening procedure so long as the patient is medically stable. Herein lies the problem, my mother was physically declining at a rapid rate and was not a candidate for surgery. She was in excruciating pain due to inflammation of her pancreas and a gallstone lodged in her bile duct. It was all happening so quickly and within 24 hours of being admitted in the hospital, my mother was fighting for her life. Her condition worsened due to serious cardio, pulmonary and gastrointestinal complications. The white blood cell count was very high as her body was trying to fight an infection of which doctors could not determine its' origin. She developed fluids in her lungs and heart and her oxygen saturation was very low. She was hospitalized for three weeks and the time she spent in ICU was by far the scariest of all for us. It was in the intensive surgical unit that my mother's mental health also began to decline as she was showing signs of ICU psychosis, a phenomenon, called sundowning, in which the patient becomes delusional. In most instances this is a temporary state of mind with symptoms disappearing once the patient leaves the ICU. I am relieved to say that such was the case for my mother.
On the third week of her hospitalization, my mother was medically cleared to undergo surgery. The procedure went well and she was discharged the day after. My mother had pulled through.
Resilience and Fragility
When someone you love is hurting emotionally and/or physically ill, we can see and feel their sense of vulnerability. As they show their fragility, we must remember that we too may be experiencing a fragile state of mind consumed with fear of what is and what could be. This is normal and needs to be validated.
To acknowledge our fragility gives us the opportunity to see our resilience. I like to think of it as in the biblical verse, "for when I am weak, then I am strong." Let me explain. My mother was quite fragile, and yet in the midst of her weakness and vulnerability, she expressed a will towards health. She wanted to live, but needed help from others to give her the strength to persevere. The machines and medical treatment were keeping her alive, but her spirit was weak and becoming less visible to those who know and love her. She needed her resilience just as much as her medication.
It was her awareness of her own fragility that made it possible for her to become completely open and receptive to the loving support of others and this I am sure awakened her natural resilience to live through her present experience. She was made strong by fully understanding her current state of being, accepting the help as well as the love and believing in the power of prayers in the healing process. She was encouraged to think thankful thoughts and to use positive thinking as a way to bring herself back to life. I believe all this played a part in her recovery while still at the hospital.
This much I know is true:
Resilience comes to life when we allow ourselves to receive the love, care and support that we need. Admitting that we can't do it ourselves and accepting that we need help is the first step towards change and wellness. I believe this is what enables us to connect with our inner resources of strength to move through life when it becomes hard, painful and unpredictable.
I got through this experience by sharing the emotional load with my loving family and dear friends. The show of support carried me every single day. Showing up for work gave me a sense of purpose and seeing my clients helped me to stay grounded in my life in the midst of uncertainty.
Heartfelt hugs and many thank yous to all of you.
All people are both resilient and fragile. Do not make the mistake of believing you are one or the other.
Thanks for reading!
.
Friday, April 8, 2016
Winnie the Pooh Wisdom for a Happier Life
Simple wisdom from Winnie and friends on what makes for a happier life:
1- Believe in yourself.
"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, stronger than you know, and smarter than you think."
2- Keep your loved ones close to your heart.
"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever."
3- Love fearlessly.
"If you live to be 100, I want to live to be 100 minus 1 day so I would never have to live a day without you."
4- Step out of your comfort zone to get what you want in life.
"You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes."
5- Be real, be yourself.
"It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like "what about lunch?"
6- Don't rush through life.
"Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day."
7- Be patient; Don't personalize everything.
"If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear."
8- Live in the present moment.
"What day is it? It's today, squeaked Piglet. My favorite day, said Pooh."
9- Cherish your friendships.
"I don't feel very much like Pooh today," said Pooh.
"There there," said Piglet. "I'll bring you tea and honey until you do."
10- Be grateful.
"Piglet noticed that even though he had a very small heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude."
11- Keep an open mind and go with the flow.
"Hello, rabbit, 'he said, 'is that you?'
'Let's pretend it isn't, 'said Rabbit,' and see what happens."
12- Sometimes it's good to just do nothing.
"Don't underestimate the value of doing nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering."
13- Show kindness to others.
"Just because an animal is large, it doesn't mean he doesn't want kindness; however big tigger seems to be, remember that he wants as much kindness as Roo."
14- Be aware.
"Always watch where you are going. Otherwise, you may step on a piece of the forest that was left out by mistake."
15- Feel your feelings.
Piglet: How do you spell love?
Pooh: You don't spell it. you feel it.
16- Appreciate and love yourself with imperfections and all.
"The things that make me different are the things that make me ME."
17- Always look for the silver lining.
"It's snowing still," said Eeyore gloomily.
"So it is."
"And freezing."
"Yes," said Eeyore. "However," he said, brightening up a little "we haven't had an earthquake lately."
18- Don't sweat the small stuff.
"tut-tut, it looks like rain."
Happy Going Forward!
Friday, March 18, 2016
Making It Through Tough Times
"little by little. day by day." - Unknown
Little by little, day by day, minute by minute is how we can make it through tough times.
I am a firm believer that we can see our way through if we are willing to do the following:
- Live each day with an openness of mind and heart
- Modify our thoughts, words and actions
- Commit to ourselves and those we love
This can help carry us at our lowest points in our lives by giving us the emotional strength we need and the courage to go on when the going gets tough.
Here are some very simple actions that can help you make it through tough times:
- Take it one day at a time.
- Identify, accept, express and release your feelings.
- Turn to caring, loving people you know will be there for you.
- Be honest about how you feel and what you are going through.
- Face your fears, doing so makes them smaller and manageable.
- Make the decision that you will get through this.
- Cry when you need to and laugh when you can.
- Do things before you're ready.
- Make good choices.
- Realize your options.
- Acknowledge what's going right in your life.
- Do something positive for yourself everyday.
- Take action however small it may be.
- Ask for help and consider the feedback.
- Practice gratitude. Pay attention to what is positive.
- Surround yourself with positive people.
- Be self-loving; prioritize self-care.
- Stop worrying about the things you cannot control.
- Focus only on what you can control.
- Face the situation; avoidance only adds to anxiety.
- Do not wallow in self-pity.
- Stop the negative self-talk, it's never constructive.
- Practice spirituality through prayer, meditation, and writing.
- Take a break from your troubles and help others. This can be the most useful action to take.
- See things as they are and change what you can.
- Believe that you can do more than you think you can.
- Have hope that change is doable and possible.
- Know that you are stronger than you think.
- Don't give up.
- Do the best you can today. When tomorrow comes you can do it all over again.
Remember:
- It's the simple things that mean the most and make a difference in our lives.
- It's not what happens to you, but how you respond to it that matters.
- "It works if you work it."- recovery slogan.
I leave you with one of my favorite quotes: " When you must, you can." - Douglas Pagels
Enjoy!
Saturday, February 27, 2016
"Just For Today"
I share with you a feel good poem that looks at wellness from the perspective of one day at a time. Its message is one of hope that change is possible, doable and manageable if we focus our attention on making today the best day possible.
If your aim is to feel better, then consider the relationship between thoughts, feelings and behaviors. As you think, you will act and you will feel.
Thoughts + Actions = Feelings.
Just For Today know your thoughts, choose your actions and the feelings will follow.
May the healing thoughts presented in this poem set in motion your commitment to a wellness lifestyle one day at a time.
Just For Today
Just For Today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
Just For Today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that "Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."
Just For Today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires, I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.
Just For Today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
Just For Today I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I don't want to do--just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.
Just For Today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit. I won't find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.
Just For Today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.
Just For Today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself, and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.
Just For Today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.
-Author Unknown
Thanks for reading!
Sunday, February 21, 2016
A Good News, Bad News Story
Teaching and learning by parable from a collection titled: Kindness, a treasury of Buddhist wisdom for children and parents, by Sarah Conover.
When the Horse Runs Off
Long ago, in a country where the mountains are among the world's loftiest, there lived an old farmer and his son. The boy spent his days attending to the work of the farm and their one horse-a beautiful white stallion. After years of careful training, the horse ran swifter and smoother than any other in the region. But one day, father and son awoke to find their cherished animal missing.
The son was heartbroken. Neighbors gathered round the two and lamented their great loss. But the father gazed calmly past the villagers to the surrounding high peaks. "We shall see," he said. "We shall see if this is good or if this is bad."
After a week, the magnificent horse returned, followed by an equally fine, wild mare. Father and son soon tamed the new animal. This time, the neighbors praised the old man's remarkable luck- he was now the wealthiest man in town! He owned the two very best horses! But the farmer simply smiled and remarked, "Oh, of course I am pleased...but who knows if this is lucky or unlucky?"
And so it came to pass that one day, while racing their splendid horses across the field, the son fell off and broke both legs badly. While the boy's wounds were cleaned and splinted by the doctor, the villagers bemoaned the family's terrible misfortune. But the father, calm as ever, took comfort in his boy. "He is alive; that is all that counts," replied the old man." His legs will heal in time. I cannot know if these injuries will turn out to be something good or something bad."
The very next week, a battalion of soldiers marched into the village. A war to the north was underway, and all young men of fighting age were needed immediately. Mothers and fathers gathered food and warm clothing for their boys. With sorrowful good-byes they reluctantly let their sons join the soldiers.
But alas, there was one boy in the village left behind in his bed-for it was obvious his wounds would take many months to heal. The neighbors envied the farmer's good fortune! Of all the young men in town, his son was the only one not taken to war! The old farmer looked out across his fields at the two fine horses grazing. He looked at the lovely way the sun caught the tops of the jagged peaks in the distance, smiled, and said nothing at all.
The valuable lessons in this story
I am sure we can all relate to this simple and yet profound story depicting a life of highs and lows. While none of us are spared from life's ups and downs the key and primary difference lies in how each of us relates to what happens or does not happen in our lives.
In this story, the farmer reserves judgment and remains calm no matter what the circumstances may be. He is not affected by the opinions of others who are quick to judge
events/circumstances/situations as good or bad, lucky or unlucky, fortunate or unfortunate. His response is always the same, "We shall see if this is good or if this is bad." As it turns out, everything that happens in this wise tale is a good news, bad news story.
The farmer is able to experience joy and pleasure and yet not cling to any one emotion. In the face of adversity, he remains calm and by doing so, is able to focus his attention on what's important. When his son is injured, the farmer is deeply moved that his son is alive and is clear in stating that this is what matters most. His emotional energy is not wasted on the injuries per se because this isn't something that can be changed. His conclusion is the same, he does not know if it is something good or something bad. The old man understands that in life, things are always happening and time will reveal its true meaning. If we keep an open mind and let ourselves consider different possibilities, we just might see the end result as a Blessing in disguise.
We all know that outward appearances may sometimes be deceiving and what may look to be a negative may turn out to be a great thing for us. While it is helpful to allow ourselves to have our feelings, it can be hurtful to get lost in the drama of life most of which is outside of our control.
Cultivating a practice of living that is based on the what-is, accepting that we all have a mix of wanted and unwanted experiences, and that everything in life is essentially a good news/bad news story is a formula for wellness.
Let us not forget the ending of the story in which the farmer is taking in the beauty that surrounds him, smiling, and saying nothing because the truth simply is. This is what we refer to as gratitude. Having a thankful heart is what keeps us going. It serves as fuel for our mind, body and spirit; helps us find meaning in life and is the path to peace and joy.
The next time you find yourself facing a challenging situation, try to remain calm, and before you rush to judgment consider the farmer whose horse ran away. Take a moment to consider the good news, bad news of life experiences and know that you can be okay.
Enjoy!
Thursday, January 28, 2016
The Other Side Of Weakness
"To say that man is a compound of strength and weakness, light and darkness, smallness and greatness, is not to indict him, it is to define him." - Denis Diderot
We are each made up of personal strengths and weaknesses that help define our character and individuality. They are a part of who we are and recognizing their value can help us build happier, more meaningful lives. Yes, believe it or not our weaknesses are just as valuable as our strengths. One is not more important than the other. You see, very often, underneath our weaknesses are hidden strengths. And even when this is not apparent, we can, with some help turn weaknesses into strengths.
Believing and accepting that there is positive in the negative, good within the bad, it becomes easier for us to see that in fact the other side of weakness is strength. Understanding this truth invariably helps us to get over this notion that there is something terribly wrong with us for having our share of weaknesses. Having this awareness will absolutely help you reach a new level of personal growth.
First and foremost, we must recognize and accept our weaknesses. My personal favorite truth on this issue is that no one is good at everything but everyone is good at something. It's the most natural thing to have limitations. After all, we are ALL imperfect beings. Therefore, any fears or worries about your shortcomings are a waste of your time. Once we understand that character flaws are a given and expose them for what they are, shame and embarrassment will no longer consume us.
What if instead of harboring negative self-judgment about our weaknesses, we learned to embrace them with care? Here's what I've learned along the way: Our weaknesses cannot be fully eliminated. We either find ways to avoid them or do the best we can to manage them. Ultimately, to move forward wisely, we must see ourselves realistically. We must have a realistic take on our strengths and weaknesses and more importantly, we must be willing and able to reconsider our weaknesses from a different, more empathetic perspective. In other words, be sure to embrace your strengths and build upon them. Do more of what you're good at and maximize on what you enjoy. But equally important is to stop hating your weaknesses and stop hating yourself. Another way of looking at it is to understand that you have a weakness but you are not "the weakness." It is NOT all of who you are. Acceptance is key.
While getting over our weaknesses is unrealistic, moving past them is key. I am reminded of the words by Dr. Gordon Livingston from his book, Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart, in which he poignantly states, "We are not what we think, or what we say, or how we feel. We are what we do." Changing our behavior is critical to turning our weaknesses into strengths and helping us identify weaknesses as strengths.
What your weaknesses reveal about you:
If your weakness is that you avoid confrontation at all cost, it is very likely that you let an uncomfortable/bad situation go on for too long because of your discomfort with an unpleasant interaction.
This weakness may reveal some of your greatest strengths: caution, not saying or doing things that might be regretted; self-control, controlling what you say and do; peacemaker, someone who helps to prevent or stop an argument; being caring and sensitive to other people's feelings; agreeable nature; pleasant disposition; being open minded; flexible and easily adaptable.
Turning this weakness into a strength might entail the following: admitting to yourself that confrontation is difficult; asking for help, support and guidance whenever your approach of conflict-avoidance is triggered; being aware of your actions or lack thereof in handling difficult situations and closely monitoring your decisions about what to do every step of the way.
Here's another example:
If your weakness is negative thinking and emotions, you are likely to get stuck in repetitive, unproductive thoughts that reinforce negative emotions; imagining or expecting the worse case scenarios and preoccupied with the "what if"; flooded with anxious thoughts and worry; mind is continuously focused on self-criticism and self-blame; negative self-talk; ruminating on mistakes, and bad choices; fixated on what's wrong with self and negative aspects of your life. In this case, the individual is under attack by his/her own thinking process. It is painful to live through this and absolutely exhausting on the spirit and soul not to mention the toll it takes on the body.
A closer look at this weakness however, will help us see that it can be a strength as well. Those who live through this experience are resilient because it takes inner strength to endure the cycle of negativity. Although feelings can hurt, the ability to feel is always a strength. As a matter of fact, negative feelings when expressed in moderation are a natural means of self-preservation, self-protection and attempts at self-help. In other words, it is the way in which we can take care of ourselves. Giving yourself permission to be comfortable experiencing and expressing mixed emotions brings relief and can promote health and well-being. There is no doubt that facing life's challenges while being under the influence of negative thinking is very difficult and yet many are able and willing to forge ahead, push through with bravery and courage. Some other important strengths that are evidenced are sense of preparedness, vigilance, and realism in accepting a situation as it is and being prepared to deal with it. Being able to look beyond the obvious and anticipate ahead shows good foresight. In the final analysis, what is important is seeing how there is personal power in speaking the truth and most especially when it is your truth.
As you can see, underneath unhealthy behaviors are hidden strengths.
To turn any weakness into a strength, you must remember: The opposite of your weaknesses can be your strengths.
For instance, if you struggle against negative thinking and emotions you might consider the following:curiosity in testing out new experiences as a way of improving your state of mind; creativity by thinking of new and productive ways of channeling negative moods; an attitude of gratitude to help you appreciate the good times; use of humor and laughter as a way of regulating low moods; open-mindedness to consider new feedback before discounting it; giving attention to health and less to sickness with an understanding that the best defense against negative thinking and emotions is always positive actions; forget yourself enough to move out of your own way; consider being more other focused rather than inner focused and help others because acts of kindness always makes us feel better. Remember that negative emotions can propel us to seek positive experiences that we would not have otherwise.
Concluding thoughts
This much I know is true: When people become sick and tired of being sick and tired, miracles happen in the form of transformations and it is then that weaknesses blossom as strengths. Consider creating your own metamorphosis!
I hope that by reading this piece you now have a deeper awareness and understanding that our weaknesses DO NOT have to hold us back.
Thanks for reading!
Sunday, January 17, 2016
Living Wisdom
Living wisdom is about learning from experience and using this knowledge to think and act in ways that can bring about beneficial change in your life.
Applying wisdom to everyday life is best shown through positive action, not just positive thinking; decisions, not just great ideas; good choices, not just insight; and common sense, not just perception.
I believe when we open our minds, we open our lives to the treasury of wisdom that exists within us and around us. When you find it, use it to make the most of your life and always remember to share it with others.
Enjoy this selected list of incredibly wise truths from the late Zig Ziglar, an American motivational speaker who inspired many. May his words give you encouragement for life.
Life Wisdom:
-Success is the doing, not the getting; in the trying, not the triumph. Success is a personal standard, reaching for the highest that is in us, becoming all that we can be. If we do our best, we are a success.
-It's not what happens to you that determines how far you will go in life; it is how you handle what happens to you.
-Do it, and then you will feel motivated to do it.
-The better person you become, the better person you will attract.
-Winners evaluate themselves in a positive manner and look for their strengths as they work to overcome weaknesses.
-Worry is the most significant factor that relates to the root of negative thinking.
-Life is an echo. What you send out comes back. What you sow you reap. What you give you get. What you see in others exists in you.
-Surround yourself with people who want the best for you and the people you love.
-Getting knocked down in life is a given; getting up and moving forward is a choice.
-The result of information overload is usually distraction, and it dilutes your focus and takes you off your game.
-If you always do what you've always done, you're always going to get what you've always gotten.
-You are what you are and where you are because of what's gone into your mind. You change what you are and you change where you are by changing what goes into your mind.
-If you learn from defeat, you haven't really lost.
-If you want to reach a goal, you must 'see the reaching' in your own mind before you actually arrive at your goal.
-Yesterday ended last night. Today is a brand-new day. And it's yours.
-You are the most influential person you will talk to all day.
-When obstacles arise, you change your direction to reach your goal; you do not change your decision to get there.
-You were born to win, but to be a winner you must plan to win, prepare to win, and expect to win.
-You cannot consistently perform in a manner which is inconsistent with the way you see yourself.
-Put all excuses aside and remember this: YOU are capable.
-Most people who fail in their dream fail not from lack of ability, but from lack of commitment.
-You hit what you aim at, and if you aim at nothing you will hit it every time.
-We cannot start over, but we can begin now, and make a new beginning.
-The greatest source of happiness is the ability to be grateful at all times.
-Positive thinking will let you do everything better than negative thinking will.
-Expect the best. Prepare for the worst. Capitalize on what comes.
-Lack of direction, not lack of time, is the problem. We all have twenty-four hour days.
-Every choice you make has an end result.
-Others can stop you temporarily- you are the only one who can do it permanently.
-You have to feed your mind daily with the good, clean, pure, powerful and positive.
-The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what you want most for what you want right now.
-Never blame anyone in your life. Good people give you happiness. Bad people give you experience. Worst people give you a lesson. Best people give you memories.
-Your attitude, not your aptitude, determines your altitude.
-Do more, give more, try harder, aim higher, and give thanks. The rewards will be yours.
-The 3 C's of life: Choices, Chances, Changes. You must make a choice to take a chance or your life will never change.
-F-E-A-R has two meanings: 'Forget Everything And Run' or 'Face Everything And Rise.' The choice is yours.
-All of us are not born with equal opportunities. But over a period of time, regardless of our parentage, place of birth, prospects in our communities, or education, the day comes when we have to make the choice to let our past teach us- or beat us.
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Remember in order to keep the wisdom, you must give it away.
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