Lesson in Self-Care

"You are holding a cup of coffee when someone comes along and bumps into you, making you spill your coffee everywhere. Why did you spill the coffee? Because there was coffee in your cup. Had there been tea in the cup, you would have spilled tea. The point is whatever is inside the cup, is what will spill out. When life comes along and shakes you, whatever is inside you will come out. It's easy to fake it, until you get rattled. So, we have to ask ourselves, "What's in my cup?" When life gets tough, what spills out? Joy, gratefulness, peace and humility? Or does anger, bitterness, harsh words and reactions come out? You choose! Today let's work towards filling our cups with gratitude, forgiveness, joy, words of affirmation, kindness, gentleness and love for others."  - Unknown

In this story "what's in my cup" represents what's in your heart. The "bumps" represents life's challenges, and the "spill" represents your reactions. The message is clear: when life comes along and shakes you, whatever is inside you comes out.

If you don't like what comes out, you can do something about it. But first, stop blaming life, someone else, or others; instead, look at how you are choosing to react to the people, places, things, and events in your every day life. Then ask yourself, "How is this working for me." It is vital that you understand that the solution comes from you. You must be willing to fill your cup with what's important and good for you. I can tell you that one of the best strategies to help you do that is: Self-Care. This I believe is the lesson of the story.

Self-care: feeds our mind, body, and spirit. It is intentional. We choose to do it. It requires that we pay attention to ourselves in all the right ways. It is unique to each person; what works for one may not work for another. We must fit it in to our schedule and make it a priority. One thing for sure, it has a positive effect on our thoughts, words, and actions and most especially our moods. It is all about the small yet significant ways we are willing to take care of ourselves. It replenishes us so we can keep on going. It's what we all need and it is Simple.

When self-care is a daily practice, what spills out  is more likely to be love, patience, and kindness with ourselves and others. Try it.

The following are some ideas of self-care for the mind, body, and spirit.

Mind

1- Take breaks throughout the day.
2- Surround yourself with positive people.
3- Make time for self-reflection.
4- Repeat thoughts and words of affirmations.
5- Read books that inspire and motivate you.
6- Speak the truth.
7- Let go of the small stuff.
8- Listen to music.
9- De-clutter. Clean out a space.
10- Escape from your own head- watch a movie.
11- Learn something new.

Body

1- Move the body. Walk. Run. Dance.
2- Deep breathing.
3- Stretch.
4- Make good food choices.
5- Wear comfortable clothes.
6- Be still. Rest.
7- Laugh. Smile. Cry.
8- Look at yourself and feel beautiful.
9- Slow down.
10- Take a long shower or bath.

Spirit

1- Pray. Meditate.
2- Journal.
3- Let yourself feel your emotions.
4- Spend time with friends and loved ones.
5- Reach out to others. Ask for help.
6- Do good and help others.
7- Take time for yourself.
8- Stop and smell the flowers.
9- Pursue your dreams and aspirations.
10- Let your values be your guide.
11- Create a gratitude list.
12- Love deeply. Say "I love you" often.
13- Fill your heart with joy.
14- Do more of what makes you happy.

A good and consistent self-care practice won't prevent hurt and pain from touching you, but it will carry you when it seems like things are falling apart.

Self-care is the healthiest form of self-protection. It is the road to inner peace. It will fill your heart with the good stuff to keep you going and make life and living worthwhile. Guaranteed!

I've included two of my favorite quotes on self-care. They inspire me to stay on track and I'm hoping they will do the same for you.

"When you regularly practice self-care, you are sending yourself a message: I am important."
                                                    - Nicole Nenninger

"We need to do a better job of putting ourselves higher on our own 'to do' list."
                                                    - Michelle Obama

Thank you for reading!


                                                                                                                

                                                                                                               

                                                                                                                 

                       

Open Up To Feeling

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

- Jalaluddin Rumi,
translation by Coleman Barks

In this short insightful poem, Rumi presents what I believe is a therapeutic perspective on what to do with your feelings. He uses the metaphor of a guest house to describe being human and the guests are your feelings. They are unexpected visitors with every morning a new arrival. Some stay for a while, but generally all are just passing through. What he is suggesting we do about our unexpected and sometimes uninvited guests is to Open Up our hearts and minds to All feelings no matter what they may be. 

Befriending our emotions without judgment is one of the best tools to help us heal, change and grow. When feelings come up, face them and accept them as they are. See it as an opportunity to look within and understand what is going on inside of you.

Feelings aren't facts; however, they do inform us of what is happening within us and provide guidance. They are neither good nor bad, right nor wrong; they just are. They reveal what we are thinking and tell us when something is not okay. If you can accept that each emotion exists for a reason, then perhaps you will understand that all feelings matter.

Giving yourself permission to experience your feelings, no matter what they are, will help you to become emotionally healthy. This in and of itself, makes it all worth it.

You need not act on what you feel. Instead, you can just listen to your feelings, understand what they mean, and let yourself observe knowing that the feelings are moving along. The feelings will lift when the time is right.

When emotions are allowed to exist, they do their time in the guest house, and then leave, but not before teaching us something about ourselves and our experiences. If you follow Rumi's advice, when new emotions (anger, sadness) come to you, open your door to let them in. Allow them their space and treat them with respect. Their presence may be clearing you out for some new delight. That said, you may need to go through the painful side of your feelings before you can get to the other side. It is a simple truth that pain and discomfort is never in vain if you use it to grow and heal. Going through this process can bring you calmness, peace and happiness.

But if you deny, ignore, or resist your feelings, they will gain strength and control over you. They will remain with you longer and keep you stuck. It is worse for you in the long run when you push down your emotions. They build up and may result in you acting out your feelings in self-destructive ways. The fact of feeling is this: The more we resist, the more they persist.

Rumi's poem begins and ends on a high note: every morning a new arrival, meaning, every day is a new beginning, new feelings and fresh way of being. Be grateful for whoever comes, whether good or bad, each has been sent as a guide from beyond to help you in some way. Everything we experience is valuable and has its lessons for us.

On a personal note, I have lived through and survived everything that has happened to me because I have allowed myself to have my feelings- All of them. I always joke that my feelings have kept me sane, and truth be told, acknowledging my feelings, honoring them just because they are a part of me, has gotten me through each and every time.

Reading this poem makes me appreciate what it means to be fully human and alive.
It serves as a good reminder that feeling is what makes us human and emotions are just emotions.

The next time, unwelcome feelings stop by your house, remember to meet them at the door laughing and invite them in. 

Thank you for reading!

Goodwill Towards Yourself

A special end of year dedication to each and every one of you.

As we move into a new year, it is my wish that you continue on with new awareness, deeper understanding, and greater appreciation for who and what you are. Be kind to yourself, show self-compassion, and give yourself the gift only you can give yourself : self-love.

What I have just described is Goodwill Towards Yourself.

It is defined by the way we treat ourselves and reflects the way we treat other people.

It matters that you know that goodwill to oneself or lack thereof, reveals the relationship you have with yourself, and this ultimately, sets the foundation for everything else.

What you deserve to give yourself:

"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."

- Saint Therese of Liseaux

This timeless quote attributed to St. Therese is used as a daily prayer by many. The words in this short verse capture the essence of what we are searching for, in need of, and want to have more of.

Taking really good care of yourself is a practice of goodwill.

INNER PEACE
Peace comes to us when we stop running from life and ourselves. Live in the present and get out of your head. Experience the moment. Worry less. Seek people, places and things that help you connect to serenity. Stop living in the past or the future; this takes away today's peace. Keep remembering: everything passes. Do the best you can and be okay with that. Count your blessings every day and be thankful. Make peace of mind a daily priority and you will find it.

TRUST
Life will show you what you need to change, let go of, or improve on. Listen and trust your intuition. Allow yourself to get on the path that is right for you. Reach out and ask for help; someone will be there for you. Continue on, knowing that everything that happens to us is an opportunity to learn from. Your inner strengths will carry you in times of need.

FAITH
Believe in yourself; nothing will change otherwise. Keep your mind and your heart open to others. Faith in ourselves and others can keep hope alive that change is doable and possible.You survived your pain, the worst is over; you can only get better from here on out. Everyday miracles happen through love, support and positive connections with others.

GIFTS
Make the most of your talents; they help us feel our best about ourselves; use them to do good and help others.

LOVE
Love brings comfort, heals our wounds, and allows us to return to wholeness. Be loving. Do loving things and you will experience more love. When the love is good, real, and right for us, we get what we give. This is how it works.

SELF-ACCEPTANCE
Embrace all of you- as you are- as you try to improve what you can. Progress is always incremental. We are all imperfect, worthy of love and compassion, but it starts with us-self-love and self-appreciation.

SELF-KNOWLEDGE
Deep inside we know the truth.We know the answers to our problems. We know it is us who needs to change.We know what is right and wrong for us. Being honest with yourself about yourself will guide you to the next step. 

FREEDOM
Take necessary risks and begin living life, not just surviving it. Trust the voice within- it knows you best. Be your own person and discover what living to the fullest really means.

Love yourself so you can love others more deeply!

Thank you for reading.

Quote Source:
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/68943-may-today-there-be-peace-within-may-you-trust-that

How Can I Help?

            
           
Please remember, it is what you are that heals, not what you know. - Carl Jung

How can we help those we love when they are in pain? As a therapist, I am often asked this question. Although, every situation is unique based on the person's needs and particular circumstances, my response is the same: Be present with them, open your heart, and become a healing presence.

We help those in need when we open our hearts to them. Don't worry about knowing what to say to someone who is turning to you for support. Knowledge is a great asset, however, this can only take us but so far in deepening our connection with others who are in pain. Those who are hurting are not necessarily turning to you for answers. What they are looking for is to be heard. They want to be listened to. You can help by listening with your heart and allowing them to reveal the pain that is inside them.

Being a healing presence to someone in need:

Start by listening. Don't add to what is being said, take away from it, or try to fix it.

Respect where the person is emotionally. Don't be quick to take away someone's pain. It is there for a reason and will lift when the individual is ready.

Be empathic. Put yourself in their place and have a mental picture of what this person is experiencing and then communicate this back to them so that they feel understood and less alone. Empathy is a quality that allows us to feel what others are feeling.

Understand that while we are all different we are in many ways the same. We all feel pain.

Validation is key in our communication with others. We all want to be seen and to be heard. Those who are hurting want to know that what they have shared means something to you.

Ask them what they need. This shows that you care and helps you to see what the real need is in the person you are trying to help.

These are the healing qualities that give comfort and bring us closer to those we love when they are in need. It is how we touch someone who is in pain.

I have found that certain phrases can help initiate a healing experience for those who have a story to tell. I begin by saying anyone of these: "Talk to me,"  "Tell me what's going on," " I want to hear everything you have to say," and "How can I help." This conveys the message that I am here for them and I want to hear about what they are going through.

Take note of this: The best gift you can give someone you love is you, your time, your attention, and your loving care. It's your presence that matters most in their life and in all of your important relationships with others.

Thank you for reading!

From Lost To Found: How We Grow

                                       Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
                                                    by Portia Nelson
                                          "There's a hole in My Sidewalk"


Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault...
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall... it's a habit... but,
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five
I walk down another street.

This widely recognized poem has become a staple in the recovery world and is often used in self-help and therapy groups. The 'hole in the sidewalk' is a metaphor of life, and the story it tells reveals a learning pattern most of us go through as we navigate change and growth.

A story we can relate to.

It is the shortest 'autobiography' I have ever read, and yet, one of the best ever. In this short story, we are given a lesson on change and how it is one of the toughest of life's challenges. We walk away with a deeper awareness of the significance of taking personal responsibility for our behaviors and how this becomes a catalyst for change and growth. The final lesson, however is one that helps us come to the realization that we have choices. No matter what the situation, circumstance, or issue, we have choices. We can change direction, make different choices, find a new path, and recover our personal power. To allow for change and growth is a choice that only we can make. Give yourself permission and see what happens!

From lost to found, and how we grow:

We must first acknowledge the fact that we are lost. There is a problem and we are hurting. Stop pretending, ignoring and claiming you don't see what is happening. Somewhere deep inside, you know.

Be willing to learn, and open to feel.

Accept responsibility for your thoughts, words, and actions. We must first accept responsibility if we are to make a positive change. That is the natural order of growing and turning our lives around. Pay attention and observe yourself in action until it becomes a matter of habit. Get in the habit of minding your own business and less on figuring out others.

Understand that many of our problems are a direct result and consequence of our choices. We must be willing to make choices that support change, rather than more of the same old, familiar ones we know all too well.

Decide and commit to changing unhelpful patterns of behavior. Granted, habits are hard to break, but not impossible. We must engage in healthy self-reflection to see if our present behavior has become our way of reliving painful childhood experiences. If so, know that there is a another way to go about this - work through the emotional pain so that you can move and grow from it. Repeating behaviors that hold us back takes us to you know where, PAIN. This will continue to happen, until you realize that what your life needs is a fresh perspective. Be willing to let go of what hurts, consider taking another sidewalk, and move on to a new chapter in your life.

Own your mistakes and learn with them. In other words, mistakes are a given, so learn as you make them. Avoid passing judgment on yourself, this only serves to make you feel badly about yourself and vulnerable to self-sabotage any positive changes you have already made. Remember, mistakes do not invalidate your growth and efforts. We are creatures of habit and changing our unhelpful patterns is a process - a gradual one at that.

Face yourself to discover yourself. That is how we go from being lost to being found. When we stop running from our fears, and we stop chasing after pain, we get to see that we are the ones who need to change. Healing, recovery, personal growth... however one may choose to name it, includes change. At some point in this journey, we learn to avoid making the same mistakes over and over again by making different choices. We will then get to see where the sidewalk ends and decide to walk down another street.

As you get ready for change keep this in mind...

We are either moving towards health or away from it. Choose your direction.

Progress is always incremental.

Behavioral change occurs gradually over time with many zigzags along the way.

Focus on improvements instead of perfection.

Healthy ways of being stabilize with practice.

We are all flawed, and that's okay. Admitting to this brings freedom.

There is hope for the wounded self: we call it healing.

I invite you to read the poem again and this time, consider what chapter you are living, and what actions you would be willing to take to move on to the next.

May you see your way.

Thank you for reading!

Here Not There

                                  Life is always where we are. ~ Mark Nepo


The gift of being aware 

An interesting thing happened to me the other day as I was taking a walk. I noticed this amazing quote posted right outside one of my favorite eateries in my neighborhood. I stopped so I could fully take in these words. In an instant, I was captivated by its simplicity and truth. After a few minutes, I continued on my merry way, but with a new sense of renewal. A few days later, as I was repeating the quote to myself, to my surprise, I felt a burst of energy rise inside of me as the clarity of it began to settle. Obviously, the power of these words had a positive effect on me. Then it occurred to me that had I been lost in thought, as I sometimes can be, I would not have seen, and therefore, this particular moment in my life would have been missed. As I continued to reflect, I was again reminded that when we are fully present to life, the gift of awareness becomes part of the experience, revealing something that is there for us. And so it is- the gift of being aware is indeed an opportunity for us to see.

I decided to look up Mark Nepo to become better acquainted with his writings and found the quote as part of a longer passage which reads, "No matter the pain, life is always where we are. Nothing is being withheld." In other words, no matter what our personal story is, we must remember that life is for living. I repeat, life is to be lived. How we do this, is up to us. As far as my own view, the best approach is to be present to the life we have. It has taken me years to fully appreciate and understand that being present is what allows us to learn-grow-love-feel, and this is what real living is all about.

Here Not There

Life is always happening! Where exactly? In front. Around you. Up close. Your life is always Here Not There. Yet so many of us see life as happening somewhere over there, anywhere but Here. They prefer There to Here. These are the people who go through life seeing, but not really. They see the grass as always greener on the other side of the fence and therefore missing out on the bigger picture of what matters most in life. Life is about the choices we make-lessons learned-being open-figuring out what's important, and doing what matters. We all have one life to live, make the most of it, while you still can. Pay attention and focus on the life you have. Change what is within your control, accept what cannot be changed, and embrace it all because it's your life. We know that life is far from perfect, but stop running away from yours. Stop holding yourself back by continuing to turn your back to life. Face your life. See it. Live it. And be grateful for it.

Remember: life is how you see it.

Take a good look at your life. What do you see?
May you see the good and not just the bad aspects of living. May you do your part to make the world a better place because we are all in this together. May you connect with your inner strength to help you see that more is not necessarily better, and changing the outside picture does not always give you what you need in the long run.
May you realize that looking within, appreciation, and gratitude can work magic to help you see the light and give you the healing you need.

I leave you with this:

We are never more alive as when we are in the present, opening ourselves to what is, and doing what matters. May you have many present moments.

Thank you for reading!

"Let what will be, be"

Acceptance - Poem by Robert Frost

When the spent sun throws up its rays on cloud
And goes down burning into the gulf below,
No voice in nature is heard to cry aloud
At what has happened. Birds, at least must know
It is the change to darkness in the sky.
Murmuring something quiet in her breast,
One bird begins to close a faded eye;
Or overtaken too far from his nest,
Hurrying low above the grove, some waif
Swoops just in time to his remembered tree.
At most he thinks or twitters softly, 'Safe!
Now let the night be dark for me to see
Into the future. Let what will be, be.'

Although this poem touches on nature, it is actually offering us a perspective about life. It is open to interpretation, so keep this in mind as I share my own view.

Let me begin by saying that I read this poem everyday as part of my prayer ritual. It serves as a reminder to live life on life's terms. Allowing myself to see what is, focusing on what I can do, instead of what I can't, and accepting the things in life that cannot be changed is a daily practice that works for me. There is no question that this is challenging, but just knowing the benefits makes it all worthwhile. I have learned that I can have peace with myself and my life when I open myself to accepting things as they are presented. I may not like what is, but in recognizing the facts of a given situation, event or circumstance, I find peace of mind. Even though the truth initially may be hard to accept, once you get to the other side, the truth can be liberating. Accepting the facts of life and seeing them as natural life occurrences helps us to work with and not against our reality. It can quiet the battle within that often keeps us in a state of misery, and make it easier to access our inner strengths and resources to let what will be, be.

Acceptance of change is a strong theme presented in this poem. Change is not only the way of nature, but also the way of life. The birds in this poem know there is a time of light and darkness, a time for activity, but also a time to rest. The day has come and gone and now it is time to return to that familiar place of safety. Once there, they can shut down for the night without fear or worry. In a similar way, we too, must accept that in life there is always change. Things will happen whether we are prepared for them or not. A helpful approach is to make the choice to live your life in the present. By this I mean, take each day as it comes. Deal with things as they happen and do the best you can. In times of stress, worry and fear, return to that familiar place you call 'Safe.' For me, that familiar place is 'Acceptance.' It's about dropping the struggle and resistance and living with what is. It is peace and quiet. It is a recognition that there is a time for work, a time to play, and also a time to put our fears to rest. Practice living one day at a time, let what will be, be and you will come to know acceptance.

Thank you for reading!