Everyday Healing Spaces

"Healing requires from us to stop struggling, but to enjoy life more and endure it less."
                                                                                                       - Darina Stoyanova

Pain is part of life, but so is healing. Even though we are all wounded, I believe there is a part within us that has a wish for healing. While there are many ways to heal, all healing begins with these three powerful words: want, can, and will.
The road to health is paved when we want to heal, believe we can and that we will.

Once you make the decision to do what you can do to heal yourself, give your attention to what is, right here, right now. This is where you will find your everyday healing spaces.

I must emphasize that your decision to let yourself experience healing will probably be one of the most important decisions you make in your lifetime. It is a decision that you must be willing to make daily, many times over as anyone with substantial recovery will tell you.

The good news is that Everyday Healing Places are all around us. They are available to all; however, keep in mind their powerful effect on us may be more gradual than instantaneous. Healing does not happen right away for any of us. There is only day by day, bit by bit and for this reason it is referred to as a process. Be patient, show self-compassion, and do not give up.

Now you may be wondering what and where are these Healing Spaces? Well, let me explain how this works.

Healing Spaces are the places that make you feel good, happy, and gives you a sense of belonging and safety. It consists of places that bring you comfort, people that nurture love and acceptance, and activities that support growth and nourish your spirit. It is important that you actively seek the people, places and things that inspire you and help you heal. Most of all, do what feels right for you.

I like to think of healing spaces as providing us with the opportunity to connect with ourselves in ways that are naturally therapeutic. What a wonderful gift this is.

Healing requires that we take charge of our well-being. So of course, once you find your personal healing spaces, go there often and make this an integral part of your self-care plan.

Remember, it is up to you to seek and find the spaces that bring joy, peace, and happiness.

I share with you some of the healing spaces that work for me:
- Quite places
- Watching the sunrise/sunset
- Walking paths, labyrinths and playgrounds
- Gardens, nature trails and sounds of nature
- Spa, bookstores, cafes, parks, listening to music, reading
- The gym, long showers and baths
- Spending time with my four-legged darling
- Being in the presence of family and friends
- The arts- cinema, museums, shows, dance performances
- Watching a candle burning
- Anyplace by the ocean
- The sanctuary of my home and office

I hope that you too can comfort yourself in ways that are both useful and helpful. May you discover what warms your heart, helps you to cry, laugh, and replenish. To be restored to health is one of the greatest experiences one can have.

May you find your spaces and places.

Cheers!

What I Wish For You...

As we bid farewell to 2016 and welcome the fresh start of a new year, I wish you...

Abundance
"Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance." -Eckhart Tolle

Awareness
"The things we think about, focus on, and surround ourselves with will ultimately shape who we become." -Joyce Meyer

Clarity
"The direction of your focus is the direction your life will move. Let yourself move toward what is good, valuable, strong and true." -Ralph Marston

Compassion
"Our sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touch them with compassion." -Buddha

Confidence
"Stop hating yourself for everything you aren't. Start loving yourself for everything that you are." -Unknown

Courage
"What may look like a small act of courage is courage nevertheless. The important thing is to be willing to take a step forward." -Daisaku Ikeda

Determination
"We all have problems. The way we solve them is what makes us different." -Unknown

Empathy
"Empathy is the antidote to shame." - Brene Brown

Faith
"Look well into thyself; there is a source of strength which will always spring up if thou wilt always look there." -M. Antoniinus

Freedom
"In our lives, change is unavoidable, loss is unavoidable. In the adaptability and ease with which we experience change lies our happiness and freedom." -Buddha

Friendship
"We can live without religion and meditation, but we cannot survive without human affection." -Dalai Lama

Happiness
"Happiness is a choice, not a result. Nothing will make you happy until you choose to be happy. No person will make you happy unless you decide to be happy. Your happiness will not come to you. It can only come from you." -Ralph Marston

Health
"He who has health has hope, and he who has hope has everything." -Proverb

Kindness
"Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." -Plato

Laughter
"From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere." -Dr. Seuss

Love
"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in." -Morrie Schwartz

Peace
"For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thankfulness
"If you are really thankful, what do you do? You share." -W. Clement Stone

Trust
"Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do." -Benjamin Spock

Understanding
"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding." -Khalil Gibran

As you go through, and sometimes struggle with life, find and trust your inner wisdom and it will take care of you.

Here's to life and living. Happy New Year!!

A Better You

                Anyway : The Paradoxical Commandments ~ By Kent M. Keith

                           People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
                                                  Love them anyway.
                 If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
                                                  Do good anyway.
                 If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
                                                  Succeed anyway.
                          The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
                                                  Do good anyway.
                           Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
                                        Be honest and frank anyway.
                 The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down
                 by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
                                                 Think big anyway.
                            People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
                                       Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
                 What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
                                                    Build anyway.
                  People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
                                              Help people anyway.
                  Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
                                     Give the world the best you have anyway.

This inspirational poem written in 1968 is as relevant today as it was back then during the Vietnam War, Civil Rights Movement, and the assassinations of US President John F Kennedy and Martin Luther King. What do these historical events have in common besides the fact they all occurred in the 1960s? They were very challenging and difficult times for our nation. Many remember it as a time and place of great uncertainty, insecurity, and fear. Fast forward 48 years later and here we are again- living with a pervasive sense of dread of what is to come as a result of the United States presidential election of 2016. It appears to be open season on overt racism, sexism, and xenophobia which only means we have a fear of change and a fear of people. People are talking about this everywhere. Yes, even in therapy.

As a therapist, I have had the privilege of listening to the voices of good people who are afraid that our beautiful multicultural country is under attack by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds. Good-hearted people are concerned not just for themselves, but for others; afraid that we are moving backwards on issues of diversity, individual freedom and the need to respect all lifestyles. But, what if we use these hard times for deep reflection and conversations about who we are, what we stand for, and what really matters in our lives. Although the ugly has come out, this only serves to bring out the greater good. Change is never linear. Set-backs can actually push us to go further.

This poem literally points the way- a nicer way to move in all areas of life. It offers a strong message on bringing out your better self in the face of adversity. When clients ask what they can do to make a difference, my response is always the same: Be A Better You. Altering lives for the better must begin with changing yours first.

It is possible to be a better you in spite of the circumstances around you. What does this look like in our daily lives? Less self-serving, more self-giving. Less indifference, more empathy. Less fear, more courage. Less denial, more truth. Less ignorance, more understanding. Less hate, more love. Less conflict, more peace. Less pessimism, more optimism. Less dishonesty, more openness. Less exclusion, more involvement. Committing to this way of life will help you discover the freedom that comes from knowing that you decide who you are and how you live.

Helping others and doing good is not always easy, but I believe without a doubt, it is the best way to live providing us with the highest returns for a happier, more fulfilling, meaningful life.

In challenging and difficult times, do your best.

Thank you for reading!

Feeling Blue at Holiday Time

'Tis the season' when emotions run high and many experience the holiday blues. It is not uncommon even for those who are generally content with life to feel lonely and sad with a mix of anxiety and depression during holiday time. The reasons for this can vary depending on what is happening in your life and your outlook on things right now. Let us remember, all things are passing.

Having a holiday perspective that builds on hope, courage, peace and love may serve as a reminder that there are always things we can do to help ourselves.

First and foremost, it's ok to feel what you feel. Not everyone embraces the holidays with joy. Even if you start out with holiday cheer, the holiday stress can easily turn to holiday blues. Let the feelings surface, learn from them, and then let them pass. Your feelings are an indication of your aliveness, sensitivity and openness. Having our feelings is a sign of health and expressing them is an act of courage. Those who are honest about their emotions tend to be the least stuck and better able to return to a state of well-being much sooner than later. Find someone you can share your feelings with; someone who listens well and responds thoughtfully.

Be open to helpful alternatives for self-soothing through art, music, writing, meditation, prayer and fitness. Go to the places that bring comfort to you; do the things that make you feel good and spend time with people who love you. Sources of healing are everywhere; find what works for you and get the relief you need to help you move forward.

Tell yourself that whatever you feel today, tomorrow is another day and you may feel differently. Your struggles today are part of the human experience. Nothing more, nothing less. Respond with self-compassion and not self-judgment.

As you experience this season, take the time to be intentional in recognizing and acknowledging how you have been loved and cared for by others. The practice of being thankful helps us focus on what we have rather than what we don't have. No matter what we are going through today, there is always something to be thankful for.

Stay in the present moment as much as possible. Look at what is right in yourself, in others and the world around you. Accept the warmth and support from others; let yourself cry when the tears are there, but don't be afraid to laugh. This will get you through.

If you experience painful thoughts, acknowledge them and let them pass. Allow them in and out without beating yourself up over it. It's all part of our humanness. Inner peace will come when we allow ourselves to see what is.

In good times and in bad times, nothing stays the same and as Victor Hugo once said, "even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise." Whatever place you are during this time of year, this is but a moment in time.

'Tis the season' to just BE.

Thank you for reading!

The Thought Effect

WATCH YOUR THOUGHTS

WATCH YOUR THOUGHTS;
THEY BECOME YOUR WORDS.

WATCH YOUR WORDS;
THEY BECOME YOUR ACTIONS.

WATCH YOUR ACTIONS;
THEY BECOME HABIT.

WATCH YOUR HABITS;
THEY BECOME YOUR CHARACTER.

WATCH YOUR CHARACTER;
IT BECOMES YOUR DESTINY.

- Lao Tzu

As we think, we become. You might say, thoughts create everything.

Be aware of your thoughts for they have power over the kind of life you live. The thoughts we think influence what we say, what we feel, and ultimately what we DO.

When we repeat the same thoughts over and over again they become Dominant, Reoccurring, and Habitual. These same thoughts become our thinking pattern, and for better or worse, they impact every aspect of our lives and define our life experiences.

Many of us get stuck focusing on our feelings and would benefit immensely if we would pay more attention to the way we think. Doing so, is key to understanding our actions and reactions and making adjustments to feel better. Put another way, observing your thoughts and making adjustments will influence significantly the emotions you feel and the actions you take.

Here's a rule of thumb that will help you understand the thought effect: If you're experiencing negative emotions and you do nothing to change the thoughts to relieve the distress of these uncomfortable feelings, you can expect to feel worse. Thoughts trigger feelings that are aligned with your thinking.
On a positive note, however, we can always change our mind and replace negative thoughts with ones that promote growth and positive results.

Remember, our thoughts either makes us feel good or makes us feel bad. The choice is ours.

Keep your thoughts working in your favor:

1- Get in the practice of listening to your thoughts. What are the dominant thoughts about yourself, others and life in general that keep replaying in your head that are not serving you well? They are probably old, not practical, and in need of replacement. Change the thoughts and beliefs that need changing.
2- Interrupt negative thinking by making a choice to stop rather than continue your familiar path. 
3- Put forth the effort to understand your ways of thinking, but don't get stuck analyzing them too long. Change is the name of the game. Be deliberate in your effort to choose thoughts that help you feel good and motivate you to do better. 
4- Concentrate on what you want, what's important and meaningful to you, rather than what you don't want. It is always what we give our attention to that determines the depth of our personal peace. 

Remember: Negative thinking is never constructive.

Think on this:

I CAN BE HURT BY NOTHING BUT MY THOUGHTS.
                               
                                            Lesson 281
                                           A Course In Miracles

May you think thoughtfully and well.

Thank you for reading!

Saying 'I Love You.'

                   
                           "There are never enough I Love You's." - Lenny Bruce 

We have a great desire to love and be loved. It is what we ALL want and need most in life. It cannot be emphasized enough the importance of saying and hearing the words, I Love You. These words, when stated with real meaning can open us up inside, break down barriers, lower our defenses, and in an instant help us feel connected. This connection is what we yearn for.  

Say 'I Love You' every day and make sure to include yourself. The presence and knowledge of it, knowing it is there and having it in our daily lives is what carries us and keeps us going. Love in our thoughts and in our hearts is what makes life worthwhile and makes going through the painful side of life easier to bear. Love sustains us like nothing else.

There is no greater gift to give than your love.
Sure, there are those in our lives that make it easier or more difficult to express love to, but it's the ones that are suffering and struggling a battle within that need our love even more so. Expressions of love come in many forms, however big or small, it is always a gift that benefits all. The giver feels open and free with love and the receiver feels that they matter.

Sometimes 'I love You' is used without much thought. Other times, not used enough. And sadly, for some the words become harder to say. We must remember that we are all dying. Yes, that's right, death comes to us all. Life is short and tomorrow is not guaranteed. Life and death are happening right now so we must not hesitate to say I love you to those close and dear to our hearts. You're going to miss your loved ones when they're gone. No time to waste. Know that what matters most is LOVE- say it, mean it, and show it. By the way, let us not forget, random acts of kindness with people we come in contact with is a show of love and just as meaningful.

Love through life. It keeps us feeling alive.
I know no better way to live than with love; no better way to grow than from love; no better way to heal our wounds than through love. Love is everything. It's the best prescription for living life fully and completely. Pass it on to others.

Love is always available.
If love is what you want, then the first thing you must do, is be a reflection of that which you seek. Perhaps, this famous quote by Seneca the Elder says it best, "If you want to be loved, love." I have found that when we allow love to be the basis of how we live, love is returned right back to us.
Love is everywhere and comes from many sources. Don't make the mistake of limiting yourself to romantic love only. Stay open to receive. Surround yourself with love and just allow it to enter. The more open we are to love the more it will be available to us. We will experience it to the extent to which we can conceive it in our own mind. Believe in love. Expect it. See it around you. Speak it. Give it. Live it. This is how love manifests itself and grows in our lives.

Love looks at us as we look at it.
If we look at love with trepidation, distrust, insecurity, fear and doubt, then the love we are likely to meet up with will match that. In other words, the love you encounter will be one that can't be trusted, filled with insecurity, fear and anxiety. If on the other hand, we see love as good, and available to all, then we are likely to come in contact with abundant love that is ours for pure joy.
In love as in life, we get what we expect and not always what we deserve.

Plain and simple, love is what we need.
Being more loving in your heart, having the courage to express it and passing it on is 'what the world needs now.' We all need more love.
When I think, feel and show love, I connect with the best part of me. I wish you all the same.

I hope you take a few minutes to listen to a song recorded by Dionne Warwick in 1963.
May the song put a smile on your face and melt your heart just a little.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cW8Alo_5uI

Enjoy!


























  

Getting Out Of Your Shame

"But shame is like a wound that is never exposed and therefore never heals." - Andreas Eschbach

There are somethings we don't want to talk about. Shame is one of them. More often than not, we prefer to stay silent and live with shame about ourselves in secrecy. We try to hide it and forge ahead. The question is, how is this method of coping helpful to us?

Living with shame about who we perceive ourselves to be is living with emotional pain. But, there is an alternative. The best solution to getting out of our shame is by exposing it. Facing our shame and speaking of it is a better way to get out of our shame-based thinking and into a happier way of being.

A closer look at shame and how it differs from guilt:

"Guilt says I've done something wrong... shame says there is something wrong with me. Guilt says I've made a mistake... shame says I am a mistake. Guilt says what I did was not good... shame says I am no good." - John Bradshaw

Guilt focuses on our behavior while shame focuses on who we are. Shame eats at the self by perpetuating the painful feeling that we are somehow broken, damaged, unlovable, unworthy, and bad. A pervasive sense of shame has its origin in childhood. Its seed is based on how we were treated and how we were made to feel about ourselves in the context of our relationships and interactions with others.

"Shame is a soul eating emotion." - C.G. Jung

Helpful ways to manage shame:

"If we share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can't survive." - Brene Brown

When we give voice to shame, and we meet up with warm-heartedness, it becomes smaller and we become stronger.
There are three words that help us to overcome feelings of shame: understanding, compassion and love.
Shame does not stand a chance when we have an understanding of how we got to where we are, have self-compassion and are open to receive love from others. Letting others love you until you can love yourself is the key to freeing yourself from the shame that lives inside you. As I see it, love is the antidote to shame.

"Love is the most proven way to overcome the feelings of shame." - Sigmund Freud

Getting out of your shame can be broken down into these steps:

1. Face your shame. Bring it out into the open. You will be uncomfortable at first, but eventually will experience a sense of peace with the feelings that live inside you.
2. Surround yourself with people who believe in you and encourage your best self to come out. The ones who spark your desire to do better and to change. Tell them how and what you are feeling. Shame diminishes wherever there is love, support, acceptance, and nurturing.
3. Get to the underlying core feelings that drive your shame whether it is disappointment in yourself, guilt or sadness and start rebuilding from there.
4. Work at making peace with your past by understanding that forgiving self and others is key to healing our wounds. Remember a willingness to shift your shame based perspective will put you on the road to health.
5. Build on your spirituality. It does not have to be of a religious nature, but more about what connects you to life and people in a meaningful way. Discover what gives your life purpose and live it.
6. Practice self-compassion by letting in good thoughts and feelings with the start of each new day.
7. When you feel shame, remember that no one is perfect.

Get yourself out of shame. You deserve to move on with your life!