The Forgiving Gift

Hello,

As Suzanne Somers said, "Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself." I have found that by forgiving we are saying, "I'm free to move on." It allows for whoever or whatever has hurt you to no longer have power over you. It is this sense of freedom that helps us to see the act of forgiveness as something we do for us for the sake of saving ourselves. When we forgive, we get our life back and are able to move forward with renewed sense of purpose. In letting go of pain and those who have hurt us, we get to live our lives. This is the gift.

Forgiveness and letting go of pain is not easy. It takes inner strength, courage, and most of all willingness. In truth, forgiveness is one of the best things we can do for ourselves, and also one of the hardest. Often we resist forgiving those who have hurt us because we think that, in doing so, we are condoning their behavior. Not so. To forgive means we no longer want or need to maintain an emotional connection to this person that is based on mutual pain. It enables us to cut loose from the ties that bind us to both the pain and to those who have wounded us. Let me make it absolutely clear that forgiveness does not mean we permit unacceptable behavior. It does not mean having contact or returning to a relationship with someone that we need to end. Paradoxically, the essence of forgiveness is what makes possible for us to walk away and move on.

There are many who hold back on forgiveness because they don't want to let those who hurt them off the hook. Pause for a minute, and ask yourself, who's the one on a hook? Even more, are those who believe it is the hurt over what happened that prevents them from forgiving when in actuality, it is their anger and possibly underlying rage that keeps forgiveness as something that is out of reach. Rage is blinding and when we are under the influence of it, we don't think of the long-term consequences of being unforgiving.

When we hold others responsible for our pain, our initial response may be to fight back and get even. To reciprocate one wrong act for another in response to pain does nothing to end the struggle within us. Instead, it keeps us connected to those we are trying to get away from. The best you can do is to see the experience as something already gone through. Tell yourself, the worst is over and you survived it. You are no longer a victim of it. It will always be a part of your history, but it will also be something that is over and done with.

On the other hand, if the person you can't forgive is yourself, you could be setting yourself up for attracting more hurt and pain into your life by acting out a need for self-punishment that you hold in your subconscious. If you have done wrong, the best you can do is make amends to those you have hurt, whenever possible. Learn from your mistakes and maintain a genuine commitment to change.

Here's the thing about forgiving ourselves and others, it allows us to create, rebuild, just be and live in the moment of now. Forgiveness does not erase the memories, but is does desensitize you of the pain you have been living with. You will remember the experience, but along with the memory you will know that it happened and now it is over. It is something of the past that you can learn to come to terms with and put it behind you.

If you are working on forgiveness, it is important to tell your story. Be listened to. Have your feelings validated. And if forgiveness becomes part of the story that you share, know that you will be taking your healing to a deeper level. We forgive when we are ready to do so within our own time frame, not anyone else's. Take your time. Rushing towards forgiveness is not required.

To forgive is a lesson on letting go. It is a choice. It is a process. It is healing. It is freeing. It is healthy. It is peace. It is for ourselves. It shows understanding. It shows kindness. And it is completely up to us.

"When you forgive, you in no way change the past - but you sure do change the future."
  - Bernard Meltzer