A Simple Reflection on Self-Esteem

Hello,

Self-esteem is critical to our development of a healthy self and something we deal with our entire lives starting in childhood. Simply stated, self-esteem reflects the relationship you have with yourself. It is about what you think, and feel about yourself, and the actions you take on your behalf however big or small that presents a picture to others about who you are. Self-esteem is a term that gets talked about a lot both in and outside of therapy. It affects us all and is something many of us work hard to further develop and improve. Therefore, I believe it merits close reflection using a language of simplicity. To begin with, let's look at what good self-esteem is and isn't and how it translates into our daily lives.

Self-esteem has to do with valuing yourself, your time and energy, your space, your work, your relationships and so forth. It is knowing that you matter. To have good esteem is to love yourself right now, as you are. This doesn't mean you shouldn't strive for self-improvement, on the contrary, it means you acknowledge starting from a good enough place within and are continuing to seek wellness in the areas that are important to you. Self-esteem is behaving in a caring way towards ourselves in ALL areas of our lives, not just some. To have good self-esteem is to live and practice a way of being with ourselves that reflects self-regard, self-respect, self-worth, and belief in ourselves. It is at the core of what helps us to venture out of our comfort zone and try new things. It reflects what you believe to be true about yourself. It is work in progress and not something we aim to complete. Good self-esteem requires frequent tune ups with an ongoing commitment so that it can be a positive presence in our lives. This is a lifelong process and we get better with practice, practice, and more practice. A commitment to work on your self-esteem is a gift that only you can give yourself. It is an act of love that translates to "I'm worth it."

And now, on to what self-esteem is not. It is a mistake to think that by being successful, accomplished, and having someone love you, your self-esteem will flourish and come to be. Running away from a negative self-concept by creating what you believe is a beautiful life, does little for you in the long run, if deep inside your soul, you continue to harbor a negative opinion of yourself. External sources do not secure our self-esteem. They can be short-lived and often leaves us with a feeling of emptiness and sadness. Good self-esteem is an inside job and does not come from outside ourselves. It is not based on something someone gives us, does for us or even makes happen for us.  Remember, self-esteem comes from your actions towards yourself, not things. Self-esteem is not something that once you learn it, practice it and live it, remains intact. The truth is that throughout our lives, our self-esteem is actively changing, progressing or diminishing depending on where we are internally with ourselves. Our thoughts, feelings and actions combined will move us towards or away from having good self-esteem.

If you are struggling with low self-esteem and can trace this to your childhood, it will serve you well to accept what happened, but know it is not who you are. Accept that you did not get your fill of love, and security as a child and now as an adult it is your responsibility to learn how to give this to yourself. It is never too late to learn. Make peace with yourself and STOP the battle within. Understand it is very difficult to develop or improve self-esteem when you continue to engage in ways that serve to compromise your sense of well-being. Be willing to change self-defeating behaviors and trust the feelings of self-love will follow. Begin by accepting your imperfections, practice positive thinking, open up to experiencing positive emotions, and seek to create positive change where needed. Know that life will provide ample opportunities to work on your self-esteem. Strive to do the best you can, one day at a time.

Having and practicing high self-esteem in our daily lives requires nothing short of total commitment. We will make mistakes along the way, experience setbacks because we are human and life happens. There will be times you feel more vulnerable, doubtful, and less secured with yourself. When this happens, you will need to give yourself what you may be hoping to get from someone else. Be prepared to give yourself the love and tender care that you are wanting and needing. Waiting for others to love us so that we can feel better about ourselves is a self-defeating behavior.

To esteem yourself is to allow for love, joy and peace into your life because you believe you deserve this. Most of all, having healthy self-esteem will enable you to cope with life on life's terms. At best, it will help you see how "imperfectly perfect" you are and this is as close as we get to having "arrived."

It is my hope you reflect on these things and may you have good self-esteem as part of your life plan.

Get better at being you!