Hello,
As Suzanne Somers said, "Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself." I have found that by forgiving we are saying, "I'm free to move on." It allows for whoever or whatever has hurt you to no longer have power over you. It is this sense of freedom that helps us to see the act of forgiveness as something we do for us for the sake of saving ourselves. When we forgive, we get our life back and are able to move forward with renewed sense of purpose. In letting go of pain and those who have hurt us, we get to live our lives. This is the gift.
Forgiveness and letting go of pain is not easy. It takes inner strength, courage, and most of all willingness. In truth, forgiveness is one of the best things we can do for ourselves, and also one of the hardest. Often we resist forgiving those who have hurt us because we think that, in doing so, we are condoning their behavior. Not so. To forgive means we no longer want or need to maintain an emotional connection to this person that is based on mutual pain. It enables us to cut loose from the ties that bind us to both the pain and to those who have wounded us. Let me make it absolutely clear that forgiveness does not mean we permit unacceptable behavior. It does not mean having contact or returning to a relationship with someone that we need to end. Paradoxically, the essence of forgiveness is what makes possible for us to walk away and move on.
There are many who hold back on forgiveness because they don't want to let those who hurt them off the hook. Pause for a minute, and ask yourself, who's the one on a hook? Even more, are those who believe it is the hurt over what happened that prevents them from forgiving when in actuality, it is their anger and possibly underlying rage that keeps forgiveness as something that is out of reach. Rage is blinding and when we are under the influence of it, we don't think of the long-term consequences of being unforgiving.
When we hold others responsible for our pain, our initial response may be to fight back and get even. To reciprocate one wrong act for another in response to pain does nothing to end the struggle within us. Instead, it keeps us connected to those we are trying to get away from. The best you can do is to see the experience as something already gone through. Tell yourself, the worst is over and you survived it. You are no longer a victim of it. It will always be a part of your history, but it will also be something that is over and done with.
On the other hand, if the person you can't forgive is yourself, you could be setting yourself up for attracting more hurt and pain into your life by acting out a need for self-punishment that you hold in your subconscious. If you have done wrong, the best you can do is make amends to those you have hurt, whenever possible. Learn from your mistakes and maintain a genuine commitment to change.
Here's the thing about forgiving ourselves and others, it allows us to create, rebuild, just be and live in the moment of now. Forgiveness does not erase the memories, but is does desensitize you of the pain you have been living with. You will remember the experience, but along with the memory you will know that it happened and now it is over. It is something of the past that you can learn to come to terms with and put it behind you.
If you are working on forgiveness, it is important to tell your story. Be listened to. Have your feelings validated. And if forgiveness becomes part of the story that you share, know that you will be taking your healing to a deeper level. We forgive when we are ready to do so within our own time frame, not anyone else's. Take your time. Rushing towards forgiveness is not required.
To forgive is a lesson on letting go. It is a choice. It is a process. It is healing. It is freeing. It is healthy. It is peace. It is for ourselves. It shows understanding. It shows kindness. And it is completely up to us.
"When you forgive, you in no way change the past - but you sure do change the future."
- Bernard Meltzer
Monday, August 18, 2014
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
A Simple Reflection on Self-Esteem
Hello,
Self-esteem is critical to our development of a healthy self and something we deal with our entire lives starting in childhood. Simply stated, self-esteem reflects the relationship you have with yourself. It is about what you think, and feel about yourself, and the actions you take on your behalf however big or small that presents a picture to others about who you are. Self-esteem is a term that gets talked about a lot both in and outside of therapy. It affects us all and is something many of us work hard to further develop and improve. Therefore, I believe it merits close reflection using a language of simplicity. To begin with, let's look at what good self-esteem is and isn't and how it translates into our daily lives.
Self-esteem has to do with valuing yourself, your time and energy, your space, your work, your relationships and so forth. It is knowing that you matter. To have good esteem is to love yourself right now, as you are. This doesn't mean you shouldn't strive for self-improvement, on the contrary, it means you acknowledge starting from a good enough place within and are continuing to seek wellness in the areas that are important to you. Self-esteem is behaving in a caring way towards ourselves in ALL areas of our lives, not just some. To have good self-esteem is to live and practice a way of being with ourselves that reflects self-regard, self-respect, self-worth, and belief in ourselves. It is at the core of what helps us to venture out of our comfort zone and try new things. It reflects what you believe to be true about yourself. It is work in progress and not something we aim to complete. Good self-esteem requires frequent tune ups with an ongoing commitment so that it can be a positive presence in our lives. This is a lifelong process and we get better with practice, practice, and more practice. A commitment to work on your self-esteem is a gift that only you can give yourself. It is an act of love that translates to "I'm worth it."
And now, on to what self-esteem is not. It is a mistake to think that by being successful, accomplished, and having someone love you, your self-esteem will flourish and come to be. Running away from a negative self-concept by creating what you believe is a beautiful life, does little for you in the long run, if deep inside your soul, you continue to harbor a negative opinion of yourself. External sources do not secure our self-esteem. They can be short-lived and often leaves us with a feeling of emptiness and sadness. Good self-esteem is an inside job and does not come from outside ourselves. It is not based on something someone gives us, does for us or even makes happen for us. Remember, self-esteem comes from your actions towards yourself, not things. Self-esteem is not something that once you learn it, practice it and live it, remains intact. The truth is that throughout our lives, our self-esteem is actively changing, progressing or diminishing depending on where we are internally with ourselves. Our thoughts, feelings and actions combined will move us towards or away from having good self-esteem.
If you are struggling with low self-esteem and can trace this to your childhood, it will serve you well to accept what happened, but know it is not who you are. Accept that you did not get your fill of love, and security as a child and now as an adult it is your responsibility to learn how to give this to yourself. It is never too late to learn. Make peace with yourself and STOP the battle within. Understand it is very difficult to develop or improve self-esteem when you continue to engage in ways that serve to compromise your sense of well-being. Be willing to change self-defeating behaviors and trust the feelings of self-love will follow. Begin by accepting your imperfections, practice positive thinking, open up to experiencing positive emotions, and seek to create positive change where needed. Know that life will provide ample opportunities to work on your self-esteem. Strive to do the best you can, one day at a time.
Having and practicing high self-esteem in our daily lives requires nothing short of total commitment. We will make mistakes along the way, experience setbacks because we are human and life happens. There will be times you feel more vulnerable, doubtful, and less secured with yourself. When this happens, you will need to give yourself what you may be hoping to get from someone else. Be prepared to give yourself the love and tender care that you are wanting and needing. Waiting for others to love us so that we can feel better about ourselves is a self-defeating behavior.
To esteem yourself is to allow for love, joy and peace into your life because you believe you deserve this. Most of all, having healthy self-esteem will enable you to cope with life on life's terms. At best, it will help you see how "imperfectly perfect" you are and this is as close as we get to having "arrived."
It is my hope you reflect on these things and may you have good self-esteem as part of your life plan.
Get better at being you!
Self-esteem is critical to our development of a healthy self and something we deal with our entire lives starting in childhood. Simply stated, self-esteem reflects the relationship you have with yourself. It is about what you think, and feel about yourself, and the actions you take on your behalf however big or small that presents a picture to others about who you are. Self-esteem is a term that gets talked about a lot both in and outside of therapy. It affects us all and is something many of us work hard to further develop and improve. Therefore, I believe it merits close reflection using a language of simplicity. To begin with, let's look at what good self-esteem is and isn't and how it translates into our daily lives.
Self-esteem has to do with valuing yourself, your time and energy, your space, your work, your relationships and so forth. It is knowing that you matter. To have good esteem is to love yourself right now, as you are. This doesn't mean you shouldn't strive for self-improvement, on the contrary, it means you acknowledge starting from a good enough place within and are continuing to seek wellness in the areas that are important to you. Self-esteem is behaving in a caring way towards ourselves in ALL areas of our lives, not just some. To have good self-esteem is to live and practice a way of being with ourselves that reflects self-regard, self-respect, self-worth, and belief in ourselves. It is at the core of what helps us to venture out of our comfort zone and try new things. It reflects what you believe to be true about yourself. It is work in progress and not something we aim to complete. Good self-esteem requires frequent tune ups with an ongoing commitment so that it can be a positive presence in our lives. This is a lifelong process and we get better with practice, practice, and more practice. A commitment to work on your self-esteem is a gift that only you can give yourself. It is an act of love that translates to "I'm worth it."
And now, on to what self-esteem is not. It is a mistake to think that by being successful, accomplished, and having someone love you, your self-esteem will flourish and come to be. Running away from a negative self-concept by creating what you believe is a beautiful life, does little for you in the long run, if deep inside your soul, you continue to harbor a negative opinion of yourself. External sources do not secure our self-esteem. They can be short-lived and often leaves us with a feeling of emptiness and sadness. Good self-esteem is an inside job and does not come from outside ourselves. It is not based on something someone gives us, does for us or even makes happen for us. Remember, self-esteem comes from your actions towards yourself, not things. Self-esteem is not something that once you learn it, practice it and live it, remains intact. The truth is that throughout our lives, our self-esteem is actively changing, progressing or diminishing depending on where we are internally with ourselves. Our thoughts, feelings and actions combined will move us towards or away from having good self-esteem.
If you are struggling with low self-esteem and can trace this to your childhood, it will serve you well to accept what happened, but know it is not who you are. Accept that you did not get your fill of love, and security as a child and now as an adult it is your responsibility to learn how to give this to yourself. It is never too late to learn. Make peace with yourself and STOP the battle within. Understand it is very difficult to develop or improve self-esteem when you continue to engage in ways that serve to compromise your sense of well-being. Be willing to change self-defeating behaviors and trust the feelings of self-love will follow. Begin by accepting your imperfections, practice positive thinking, open up to experiencing positive emotions, and seek to create positive change where needed. Know that life will provide ample opportunities to work on your self-esteem. Strive to do the best you can, one day at a time.
Having and practicing high self-esteem in our daily lives requires nothing short of total commitment. We will make mistakes along the way, experience setbacks because we are human and life happens. There will be times you feel more vulnerable, doubtful, and less secured with yourself. When this happens, you will need to give yourself what you may be hoping to get from someone else. Be prepared to give yourself the love and tender care that you are wanting and needing. Waiting for others to love us so that we can feel better about ourselves is a self-defeating behavior.
To esteem yourself is to allow for love, joy and peace into your life because you believe you deserve this. Most of all, having healthy self-esteem will enable you to cope with life on life's terms. At best, it will help you see how "imperfectly perfect" you are and this is as close as we get to having "arrived."
It is my hope you reflect on these things and may you have good self-esteem as part of your life plan.
Get better at being you!
Saturday, August 9, 2014
A Recipe for Emotional Wellness
Hello,
A few years ago, it was suggested to me by my husband to watch the "Jim Valvano ESPY Awards Speech" on YouTube. At the time, I had no idea who this person was but after listening to his words, I knew I'd never forget him or his message. I urge you to listen to his speech and hope his words penetrate you deeply as they did me. You will see a man who is both living and dying and doing so with strength and vulnerability. To be a witness to this is as real as it gets.
According to Jim Valvano, and based on my personal experience, there are 3 things we should do everyday: LAUGH, THINK, and FEEL OUR EMOTIONS.
The daily practice of laughter, spending time in thought and having our emotions move us to tears / happiness / joy / love were described in his speech as the way to live our lives fully. I see it as a recipe for emotional wellness. Embrace your life and allow it to make the best of you. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Now is the moment to speak your truth. Say it now. Do it now. Feel it now. Live your life now. Face your life and your fears knowing there is an inner strength and resilience in all of us to help us when in need. Whatever it is you are going through in life, face it with honesty and acceptance. Doing so will get you to the other side and it is then you can learn to live more fully because of it.
Life is short. REALLY, it is. Stop waiting for others to change, for things to work out differently before you can allow yourself to feel good. You and only you can make the choice to live and feel well. Be self-loving and you will experience the essence of well-being.
Life happens and when it does, I hope you meet it.
A few years ago, it was suggested to me by my husband to watch the "Jim Valvano ESPY Awards Speech" on YouTube. At the time, I had no idea who this person was but after listening to his words, I knew I'd never forget him or his message. I urge you to listen to his speech and hope his words penetrate you deeply as they did me. You will see a man who is both living and dying and doing so with strength and vulnerability. To be a witness to this is as real as it gets.
According to Jim Valvano, and based on my personal experience, there are 3 things we should do everyday: LAUGH, THINK, and FEEL OUR EMOTIONS.
The daily practice of laughter, spending time in thought and having our emotions move us to tears / happiness / joy / love were described in his speech as the way to live our lives fully. I see it as a recipe for emotional wellness. Embrace your life and allow it to make the best of you. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Now is the moment to speak your truth. Say it now. Do it now. Feel it now. Live your life now. Face your life and your fears knowing there is an inner strength and resilience in all of us to help us when in need. Whatever it is you are going through in life, face it with honesty and acceptance. Doing so will get you to the other side and it is then you can learn to live more fully because of it.
Life is short. REALLY, it is. Stop waiting for others to change, for things to work out differently before you can allow yourself to feel good. You and only you can make the choice to live and feel well. Be self-loving and you will experience the essence of well-being.
Life happens and when it does, I hope you meet it.
"I just got one last thing, I urge all of you, all of you, to enjoy your life, the precious moments you have. To spend each day with some laughter and some thought, to get your emotions going."
-Jim Valvanohttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HuoVM9nm42E
Friday, August 8, 2014
About Me
I am a licensed Clinical Social Worker (New York
State) since 1986. I have maintained a private practice in Manhattan since 1992. In
addition, I am a credentialed alcohol and substance abuse counselor (CASAC) and certified as an EMDR therapist. My professional background is in general mental health, addiction/recovery, and grief/bereavement.
I am a bilingual/bicultural(Spanish) interactive therapist, who engages in a warm, straightforward, and encouraging manner. I see the strength of the relationship between the client and therapist as the primary catalyst for positive results. My orientation is a combination of psychodynamic, cognitive-behavioral, strength-based therapy, and motivational interviewing counseling. I believe having a deep understanding of our history is paramount to our healing, and more specifically looking at where we started, where we are, and where we are going in our life journey.
My treatment approach is similar to how I choose to live my life. It can be summed up by the words of Maya Angelou, “When you learn, teach, when you get, give.” In other words, what I know, I pass on.
As a therapist, I reflect back what I see happening and present it in a way that can be heard. I am guided by the belief that “Whatever good we have, we share for the benefit of others.” The giver benefits as much as the receiver and it is this collaborative work style along with simple presence between the two that brings about healing and wellness.
For business inquiries, I can be reached at esantanalcsw@gmail.com
I am a bilingual/bicultural(Spanish) interactive therapist, who engages in a warm, straightforward, and encouraging manner. I see the strength of the relationship between the client and therapist as the primary catalyst for positive results. My orientation is a combination of psychodynamic, cognitive-behavioral, strength-based therapy, and motivational interviewing counseling. I believe having a deep understanding of our history is paramount to our healing, and more specifically looking at where we started, where we are, and where we are going in our life journey.
My treatment approach is similar to how I choose to live my life. It can be summed up by the words of Maya Angelou, “When you learn, teach, when you get, give.” In other words, what I know, I pass on.
As a therapist, I reflect back what I see happening and present it in a way that can be heard. I am guided by the belief that “Whatever good we have, we share for the benefit of others.” The giver benefits as much as the receiver and it is this collaborative work style along with simple presence between the two that brings about healing and wellness.
For business inquiries, I can be reached at esantanalcsw@gmail.com
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