Why Can't I Cry?

"I can feel the tears coming up. But nothing comes out. I want to cry but at the same time, I don't.  I am living with sadness without the tears. A part of me knows, crying would bring some relief, so why am I stopping something that is such a natural thing to do? Is this normal? What's happening to me, why can't I let myself cry?"                                
                                                                                                                    - Client

This client was most troubled by the fact that she had never really had a problem crying. But as of late, something in her changed. The tears were not an option for her at this time. She was seeking clarity, understanding and a safe place to explore recent life events that may have contributed to  "turning off a switch" in her that wasn't allowing the release of emotional pain through tears. I reassured the client that rejection of crying as a natural, healing behavior was common, but she could do something about it.

Understanding why some of us don't cry

First, let's replace the word "can't" with "don't." Most of us are more comfortable saying we can't do this or that, when in actuality, it is more like, we don't want to do this or that.
We can take personal responsibility for our choices and behaviors or not.The choice words we use to describe ourselves and our actions are pivotal in the process of personal change.

This particular client was aware that a part of her did not want to cry. She was stopping or as I like to say, interfering with a natural process of expressing and letting out pain through tears. Perhaps like many, she had learned along the way not to.

This awareness and insight was necessary in order to see that she was emotionally blocking and/or overprotecting herself from the act of crying. We both agreed, she was exercising her right to choose. She was choosing to not cry, but was also starting to miss the tears.

Why does this happen?

1- We are afraid of becoming overwhelmed by our emotions.
2- We are trying to control our feelings.
3- We don't trust that we can cry and still be okay.
4- We are afraid of our tears; afraid of opening up the floodgates.
5- Afraid of losing control and not being able to take care of ourselves.
6- We don't want to feel lost and helpless.
7- We are afraid to feel the depth of our sadness.
8- Turning to other coping behaviors that run counter to feeling and crying and serve to numb us from our inner selves: drinking, using other substances to medicate the pain, escaping, running away, binging on food...
9- We are equating crying with weakness.
10- Overusing certain defense mechanisms such as suppression or denial to protect ourselves from experiencing our feelings. Suppression is a conscious attempt to push unwanted thoughts and feelings out of awareness. We do this through distraction and numbing out coping behaviors.

By not letting ourselves cry, we are trying to overcontrol our feelings and reactions.  

The fact of the matter, however, is that crying is good for the soul and a healthy release.

" Crying does not indicate that you are weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you are alive."
                                                                                    Charlotte Bronte, Jane Eyre

What if...

What if, instead of resisting our tears we just accepted them. What if, instead of being upset and angry over the lack of tears, we just accepted ourselves. What if, we gave ourselves permission to cry or not cry and be okay about it.

What to do?

Permission to be, brings about acceptance. Permission to not cry leads to accepting yourself exactly where you are in your process. When our resistance and inner struggles quiet down the body is able to respond in its' most natural way.

By giving ourselves permission to not cry, we free ourselves to cry.

This is how it works: stop offering resistance; stop being upset that you are not crying; stop the negative self-judgments about the lack of tears so that your mind and body will be better able to release and let out the tears.

What you resist, persists.
When we accept,we lessen our resistance and we are able to let go and let out.
Give yourself permission to cry and trust that the tears will pass and they will stop.

Thank you for reading!