Hello Life!

                 
                          Hello, ups and downs, tears and laughter, joy and sorrows.

                                            I see you. I hear you. I feel you.
     
                          I notice the moments, all of them, even the unwanted ones.

                                     It helps me remember that I am fully alive!

                                                            Hello Life!

My consistency rule: be open to life and all that it brings. I try to practice this philosophy to life as much as I can, but like you, I am imperfect. I am flawed. Still, it matters that we not give up and turn our back on life. Instead, we must become more responsible for ourselves; be willing to move through situations with willingness to learn and openness to change and grow.

The following is a collection of reflections, quotes, poems, prayers and songs to help us regain perspective when we lose it.  Perhaps you will be inspired to do the best with what you have. It's our own challenge to improve our lives and give it meaning by the choices we make, the actions we take, and the attitude we bring to each day.

Things to remember about life but often forget:

Life
by Wendy Apgar

I feel I'm on a roller coaster,
Especially these past few weeks.
One day I'm up, the next I'm down,
When balance is what I seek.

On one day I deal with the present,
Or the past I'm working through;
And then come my fears for the future,
Uncertainties old and new...

But also mixed in with the hard times
Are the small moments of joy.
Times I am blessed with hope and with peace
And friends whom I enjoy.

Life is comprised of both good and bad
No matter what I go through.
Moments of laughter and joy and love,
Mixed with the old and the new.

                                     
"When things are bad, we take comfort in the thought that they could always get worse. And when they are, we find hope in the thought that things are so bad they have to get better."
                                                                                                           - Malcolm S. Forbes

"Sometimes you have to let go of the picture of what you thought it would be like and learn to find joy in the story you are actually living."
                                                                                                           - Rachel Marie Martin

The Gestalt Prayer

I do my thing
and you do your thing.
I am not in this world
to live up to your expectations
And you are not in this world
to live up to mine.

You are you and I am I.
And if by chance
we find each other, it's beautiful,
If not, it can't be helped.

                      - Fritz Perls

"It's a journey.
No one is ahead of you or behind you.
You are not more "advanced" or less enlightened.
You are exactly where you need to be.
It's not a contest. It's LIFE.
We are all teachers and we are all students."

                      - Seema Mishra

Inspirational Song Lyrics

Here's to Life
Shirley Horn

No complaints and no regrets
I still believe in chasing dreams and placing bets
But I had learn that all you give is all you get
So give it all you got

I had my share
I drank my fill
And even though I'm satisfied
I'm hungry still
To see what's down another road beyond the hill
And do it all again

So here's to life
And every joy it brings
So here's to life
To dreamers and their dreams

Funny how the time just flies
How love can go from warm hellos
To sad goodbyes
And leave you with the memories you've memorized
To keep your winters warm

For there's no yes in yesterday
And who knows what tomorrow brings or takes away
As long as I'm still in the game
I want to play
For laughs for life for love

So here's to life
And every joy it brings
Here's to life
For dreamers and their dreams
May all your storms be weathered
And all that's good get better

Here's to life
Here's to love
Here's to you
May all your storms be weathered
And all that's good get better
Here's to life
Here's to love
Here's to you
Source: LyricFind
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0_5xlzl1e8

"We cannot live in a world that is interpreted for us by others. 

An interpreted world is not a hope.

Part of the terror is to take back our own listening.

To use our own voice.

To see our own light."

                         - Hildegard of Bingen

Body and Soul Prayer

May there be voice in my mouth, breath in my nostrils,
Sight in my eyes, hearing in my ears;
May my hair not turn gray or my teeth purple;
May I have much strength in my arms.
May I have power in my thighs, swiftness in my legs,
Steadiness in my feet.
may all my limbs be uninjured and my soul
remain unconquered.

Life Steps
by Catherine Pulsifer

Our entire life is made up of choices,
What we decide, the action we take,
the attitude we display
all represent the steps of life.

Sometimes we take two steps forward
And one-step back.
Some of us take baby steps
Some of us take giant steps

But the secret is not to let that
one step back turn into a failure.
Learn from backward steps
And keep on stepping forward in this dance Called life!

Music To Inspire

In The Sweet Embrace of Life Sermon: Holy Ghost
by Wynton Marsalis
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Df6-4Fm--9k

Feeling Good
Nina Simone
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5Y11hwjMNs

Somewhere Over The Rainbow
Sarah Vaughan
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hs58v0rKQgY

What a wonderful world
Louis Armstrong
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CWzrABouyeE

Risk
by Anais Nin

And then the day came,
when the risk
to remain tight
in a bud
was more painful
than the risk
it took
to blossom.

Life
by Henry Van Dyke

Let me but live my life from year to year,
with forward face and unreluctant soul;
Not hurrying to, nor turning from the goal;
Not mourning for the things that disappear
In the dim past, nor holding back in fear
From what the future veils; but with a whole
And happy heart, that pays its toll
To Youth and Age, and travels on with cheer.

So let the way wind up the hill or down,
O'er rough or smooth, the journey will be joy:
Still seeking what I sought when but a boy,
New friendship, high adventure, and a crown,
My heart will keep the courage of the quest,
And hope the road's last turn will be the best.

I have shared with you my own response to life through music, poetry, reflections, and prayers. These are some of my personal life tools which help me to keep going. If you like what you've read, I hope that you are inspired to find the tools that work best for you.

The journey to a new year is fast approaching. My wish for you is this: take good care of yourself; take one step and then another; let life be and stay committed to yourself. When you fall, as we all do, may you remember the words by the great poet, Maya Angelou, "Still I Rise."

May you see each day as a new beginning and greet it with Hello!

Thank you for reading.

    

                                                                                                     

                           

Why Can't I Cry?

"I can feel the tears coming up. But nothing comes out. I want to cry but at the same time, I don't.  I am living with sadness without the tears. A part of me knows, crying would bring some relief, so why am I stopping something that is such a natural thing to do? Is this normal? What's happening to me, why can't I let myself cry?"                                
                                                                                                                    - Client

This client was most troubled by the fact that she had never really had a problem crying. But as of late, something in her changed. The tears were not an option for her at this time. She was seeking clarity, understanding and a safe place to explore recent life events that may have contributed to  "turning off a switch" in her that wasn't allowing the release of emotional pain through tears. I reassured the client that rejection of crying as a natural, healing behavior was common, but she could do something about it.

Understanding why some of us don't cry

First, let's replace the word "can't" with "don't." Most of us are more comfortable saying we can't do this or that, when in actuality, it is more like, we don't want to do this or that.
We can take personal responsibility for our choices and behaviors or not.The choice words we use to describe ourselves and our actions are pivotal in the process of personal change.

This particular client was aware that a part of her did not want to cry. She was stopping or as I like to say, interfering with a natural process of expressing and letting out pain through tears. Perhaps like many, she had learned along the way not to.

This awareness and insight was necessary in order to see that she was emotionally blocking and/or overprotecting herself from the act of crying. We both agreed, she was exercising her right to choose. She was choosing to not cry, but was also starting to miss the tears.

Why does this happen?

1- We are afraid of becoming overwhelmed by our emotions.
2- We are trying to control our feelings.
3- We don't trust that we can cry and still be okay.
4- We are afraid of our tears; afraid of opening up the floodgates.
5- Afraid of losing control and not being able to take care of ourselves.
6- We don't want to feel lost and helpless.
7- We are afraid to feel the depth of our sadness.
8- Turning to other coping behaviors that run counter to feeling and crying and serve to numb us from our inner selves: drinking, using other substances to medicate the pain, escaping, running away, binging on food...
9- We are equating crying with weakness.
10- Overusing certain defense mechanisms such as suppression or denial to protect ourselves from experiencing our feelings. Suppression is a conscious attempt to push unwanted thoughts and feelings out of awareness. We do this through distraction and numbing out coping behaviors.

By not letting ourselves cry, we are trying to overcontrol our feelings and reactions.  

The fact of the matter, however, is that crying is good for the soul and a healthy release.

" Crying does not indicate that you are weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you are alive."
                                                                                    Charlotte Bronte, Jane Eyre

What if...

What if, instead of resisting our tears we just accepted them. What if, instead of being upset and angry over the lack of tears, we just accepted ourselves. What if, we gave ourselves permission to cry or not cry and be okay about it.

What to do?

Permission to be, brings about acceptance. Permission to not cry leads to accepting yourself exactly where you are in your process. When our resistance and inner struggles quiet down the body is able to respond in its' most natural way.

By giving ourselves permission to not cry, we free ourselves to cry.

This is how it works: stop offering resistance; stop being upset that you are not crying; stop the negative self-judgments about the lack of tears so that your mind and body will be better able to release and let out the tears.

What you resist, persists.
When we accept,we lessen our resistance and we are able to let go and let out.
Give yourself permission to cry and trust that the tears will pass and they will stop.

Thank you for reading!

Poetry: The Voice of The Soul

In my practice as a therapist, I encourage clients to explore and use a myriad of therapeutic tools to help them along the way. Poetry is one such tool. Whether you write poetry or simply read it, there is no doubt of its inherent benefits for the heart and soul.

Poetry at its best is a piece of work from the inside out in which aspects of the writer's private world is made public. It is profound in its meaning and while the reader you might say, is a beneficiary, so too, is the writer. You see, poetry affords us the opportunity to connect with our deepest self. It is from this emotional space that we connect with our soul and this, in my opinion, is where and how we begin to heal.

The healing and transformative effects of poetry is most evident when the words, the message and its meaning speaks to us in a way that resonates as the voice of the soul.

Poetry can bring out what we're feeling, seeing, and experiencing, but it can also change the way we think, feel, and move in the world. We can use it as a way to connect rather than disconnect with our sense of self. This in and of itself is powerful given that the basis for much of our pain and suffering is based on the latter. Good poetry inspires us to reflect, question ourselves and our beliefs, brings about new understanding and helps us feel less alone in the world just by knowing many of our experiences are shared by others. For many, poetry provides a safe way to feel and experience their emotions and this can be truly cathartic.

I have gathered a collection of poems to share with you. Perhaps you will see aspects of yourself and your life. Perhaps you will draw meaning and significance from some of them. And perhaps the words, images and ideas will elicit an emotional response that speaks to your soul.

Poems for the heart and soul

The Strength Within

Build the world you dream of
In your heart and in your mind
Leave things a little better
From the challenges you find

Stretch yourself in directions
You wouldn't always go
And you will find new purpose
And ways that you can grow

These are the seeds I've planted
And sometimes seen come true
Not only in my own life
But in my children too

Just as one dream is ending
Another one can begin
Fueled by love and memories
And strength you have within
               
                   - Robert Longley

"Head, Heart"

Heart weeps.
Head tries to help heart.
Head tells heart how it is, again:
You will lose the ones you love. They will all go.
But even the earth will go, someday.
Heart feels better, then.
But the words of head do not remain long in the
ears of the heart.
Heart is so new to this.
I want them back, says heart.
Head is all heart has.
Help, head. Help heart.

                   - Lydia Davis

"What the Living Do"

Johnny, the kitchen sink has been clogged for
days, some utensil probably fell down there.
And the Drano won't work but smells dangerous,
and the crusty dishes have piled up

waiting for the plumber I still haven't called. This
is the everyday we spoke of.
It's winter again: the sky's a deep, headstrong
blue, and the sunlight pours through

the open living-room windows because the
heat's on too high in here and I can't turn it off.
For weeks now, driving, or dropping a bag of
groceries in the street, the bag breaking,

I've been thinking: This is what the living do. And
yesterday, hurrying along those
wobbly bricks in the Cambridge sidewalk,
spilling my coffee down my wrist and sleeve,

I thought it again, and again later, when buying a
hairbrush: This is it.
Parking. Slamming the car door shut in the cold.
What you called that yearning.

What you finally gave up. We want the spring to
come and the winter to pass. We want
whoever to call or not call, a letter, a kiss-we
want more and more and then more of it.

But there are moments, walking, when I catch a
glimpse of myself in the window glass,
say, the window of the corner video store, and
I'm gripped by a cherishing so deep

for my own blowing hair, chapped face, and
unbuttoned coat that I'm speechless:
I am living. I remember you.

                          - Marie Howe

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and
began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to
do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voice behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and
deeper
into the world, determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life that you could
save.
                  - Mary Oliver

It Felt Love

How
Did the rose
Ever open its heart

And give to this world
All its
Beauty

It felt the encouragement of light
Against its
Being,

Otherwise,
We all remain
Too
Frightened.

                   - Hafiz

A Blessing for the Brokenhearted

Let us agree for now that
we will not say
the breaking makes us stronger
or that it is better to have this pain
than to have done without this love.

Let us promise we will not tell ourselves
time will heal the wound,
when every day our waking opens it anew.

Perhaps for now it can be enough to simply marvel at the
mystery of how a heart so broken can go on beating,
as if it were made for precisely this--

as if it knows the only cure for love is more of it,
as if it sees the heart's sole remedy for breaking is to love still,

as if it trusts that its own persistent pulse is the
rhythm of a blessing we cannot begin to fathom
but will save us nonetheless.

                     - Jan Richardson

Talking to Grief

Ah, Grief, I should not treat you
like a homeless dog
who comes to the back door
for a crust, for a meatless bone.
I should trust you.

I should coax you
into the house and give you
your own corner,
a worn mat to lie on,
your own water dish.

You think I don't know you've been living
under my porch.
You long for your real place to be readied
before winter comes. You need
your name,
your collar and tag. You need
the right to warn off intruders,
to consider
my house your own
and me your person
and yourself
my own dog.

                     - Denise Levertov

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

                       - Robert Frost


                   









   
 

Memento Mori

       "You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do and say and think."
                                                      - Marcus Aurelius

                            "Life, it is thanks to Death that I hold thee so dear."
                                                       - Seneca

Memento mori is a Latin phrase that translates to "remember that you will die." A memento mori is a symbolic reminder often presented as a skull to help us remember death is coming.* It serves as a reflection on life and death as well as a practice for living life to the fullest.

It is meant to remind us of three very important things: life, death, and time.

Some years ago, while visiting the Rubin Museum of Art, I came across a t-shirt on display that read, "Remember That You Will Die." I was so struck by how these words came at me and the straight forward manner of referencing death. It was exactly what I was looking for, though I didn't realize it until that very moment. At the time, I was living with ineffable grief over the sudden death of my brother. I had suffered other losses in my life, but none like this one. There were no words to adequately describe my pain and none that brought comfort, until that day. I finally had words to work with and make sense of my new reality.

And so began the shift in my thinking, feeling, and doing in relation to death.

Memento mori lifted my spirit enough that I could live with my grief in peace, and with hope.

The words have become for me a constant reminder of something that is equally as powerful as death and dying: life and living.

There is the potential for a deeper connection with self and others when we talk openly about death. The experience of death touches us all. We know this, yet so often, we'd rather ignore, avoid and not think about it. That is, until we are forced to confront it. Even then, some will opt out and not see how death and dying can give meaning and purpose to life. The experience can help us identify and clarify how it is we want to live.

Let me be clear, I am not saying nor implying that any of this is easy. Death is a hard reality. The death of a loved one is an agonizing process. When it touches us, it hurts like hell. And many of us are never quite the same having gone through it. What I am saying, however, is that the mark left by death does not have to be one of long lasting destruction, brokenness, and despair.

Anything we face, teaches us something.

The reality is, I am going to die. You are going to die. Everyone is going to die. As frightening as this may be, there is a blessing and freedom that comes in accepting this truth.

Remembering that you will die is a blessing if it helps you to consider the greatest truth in life: you are alive. Having this awareness, can help you to be more alive, more human, more vulnerable with yourself.

The freedom is in knowing this truth. Anything we can talk about and understand lessens its grip on us. We are no longer oppressed by it. This is real freedom.

The practice of remembering death, reflecting on it, and talking about it paved the way for me to want to help others in their bereavement. What I have learned in doing this work is that along with pain, so too comes inner strength and the power of love connecting us back to life.

When we embrace death and dying, we embrace life and living.

On a more personal note, I would like to share, that once again I found myself in the throes of grief and loss. My beloved father died on February 4, 2019 at 10:03p.m. To have been a witness to his dying process and eventual death will forever be one of the most meaningful life experiences I have ever had and one that will carry me for the rest of my life.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him. He is in my head, my heart, and part of my entire being. I love him and miss him like crazy. My grief is present, and I honor it by being with it. When it flares up, I am right there alongside it. When it quiets down, I am still aware of its presence. I accept the totality of my grief and because I offer no resistance, I am strengthened, not weakened.

Memento mori and the practice of reflecting on life, death ,and time has come to my rescue time and time again. 

I use the phrase as a mantra, a guidepost to bring me back to center and recite the following prayer on a daily basis:
 "Let our sleeping soul remember, and be awake and be alive, in contemplation, of how our life passes away, of how our death comes forward to us, so silently. - Jorge Manrique

I find that a simple reminder about 'remembering death' is enough to bring me closer to living the life that I want: one that is based on having a clear perspective on what matters most and giving what's important top priority now, not later. Our time here is a gift, let's not waste it.

The purpose of remembering that you will die, is not to bring up discomfort or fear, but to get us to reflect on how we are living now. This is something we should remember.

Death is inevitable, but we get to decide our beliefs about it. This in turn, will determine how we live with our losses.

It is my belief, that the people I have loved who are no longer part of this physical world, will never really leave me. I think George Eliot, said it best, "Our dead are never dead to us, until we have forgotten them." My father continues on through me; I internalized him long before he died. He has become a part of me and this helps to keep me going.

If you are now living in the space of loss and grief, it is your right to cry, and feel all of your pain as it unfolds. Then release. Then do it all over again, as many times as you need to. This is natural. This is your right. Yes, death is natural; grief is natural and life is meant to be lived fully. We must take all of it- the good and the hard. This is what it means to live life on life's terms.

The reality of death is what allows us to understand and appreciate the reality of life. Think on this.

This blog post is a tribute to my querido papi. Te quiero y nunca te olvidare.

Thank you for reading and may you always value your connection to life, love, and truth.

*Sources:
Dictionary.com

What does it mean to let go?

LETTING GO

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes, and to cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To "let go" is to fear less and love more.
                                                                                  - Author Unknown

These words have become a staple in addiction recovery treatment as a vital tool in helping families who are affected by a loved one's addiction understand their own need for change. This recovery tool, however, is by no means, unique to people who have an addiction problem and those who love them. The plain truth is that no one is free of emotional baggage. And as such, we can easily lose sight of which attitudes and behavior patterns serves us in our healing and which need to be let go of.

We can all fall victim to enabling behaviors in which we are fixing and doing for others what they can and should be doing for themselves. In our desperate attempt to help, we may become overly involved and mentally preoccupied in directing the lives of others to the extent that we stop living for ourselves.

 The emotional cost of trying to live someone else's life for them is that you lose your own life in the process.

In letting go, we realize our own limitations to change, control, and manage those we love. This awareness when translated into constructive action can make living your own life- more manageable, more doable, and more peaceful.

You cannot manage anyone but yourself. Repeat as many times as necessary until you believe it.

Letting go of old behaviors and reactions is not easy, but it is possible for the simple reason that change is always a choice. No one can do this for you, but you.

Let go of the past so you can stop reliving it. Forgive and let go of past mistakes. Let go of your need to save or fix someone else. Give up on perfection, and stop worrying about things you cannot control or change in life.

The sooner you start to let go of what is no longer working for you, the faster you get on the road to happiness and well-being.

For a daily reminder to let go of that which is beyond your control, I encourage you to turn to the Serenity Prayer. There you will find the meaning of true acceptance and peace of mind.


                    … Accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can,
                         And the wisdom to know the difference.
                                               
                                                                                    Reinhold Niebuhr,
                                                                                    Serenity Prayer

Thank you for reading!

Accepting Ourselves

Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself. You may not be perfect, but you are all you've got to work with. The process of becoming who you will be begins first with the total acceptance of who you are.
                                                                                     Josh Bartok
                                                                                     365 Buddhist Inspirations

Accepting Ourselves

This means accepting yourself as you are, the good and the bad. It is the ability to value yourself in spite of your weaknesses or deficiencies. Think of it as the ultimate positive regard for self.

Why is this so important?

Because our self happiness, well-being, and peace of mind depend on it. Learning to accept ourselves completely is a prerequisite to loving ourselves right and treating ourselves well.

Not loving and accepting ourselves enough is at the root of much of our unhappiness and personal struggles.

Consider this, can anyone attain happiness with themselves if they are preoccupied with feelings of inadequacy? The answer is NO. Having a self-loathing mindset does not allow for a satisfying life. Period.

We all want to feel good. But how can we possibly feel good if we are continually turning up the critical inner voice and listening to it. Giving this undermining voice inside your head airtime is a powerful obstacle to self-acceptance. Keep this in mind: the more airtime you give it, the stronger it becomes, the longer it stays, and the worse you will feel about yourself. The inner critic speaks to all of us, but we can tell it to quiet down because we're good and we got this.

There is no doubt that liking ourselves more is the way to go for a healthy and fulfilling life. 

This is what you get to experience when you sign up for accepting all of you: healthy self-esteem, self-kindness, self-regard, self-value, self-respect, self-love, and so on. It's a fact, that all of this good stuff stems from self-acceptance.

Accepting ourselves = Accepting what is and letting go of what we cannot change or control. Here's how it works: self-acceptance stops the fight within you, breaks down the wall of denial, and ends the resistance we put up against change and growth. We can then begin to focus on what we wish to improve on.

Remember these two things:

1-Accepting ourselves and making efforts to learn, heal, and grow are not mutually exclusive. This dynamic process can occur simultaneously with each one reinforcing the other for positive change.

2-We are more likely to make positive changes from a place of self-love and acceptance, then from a place of negative self-judgments and rejection.

And now, let's talk about what self-acceptance is not. All too often, people confuse the principle of accepting ourselves to mean resignation, settling, or doing nothing about something that bothers them, etc. This could not be further from the truth. On the contrary, self-acceptance brings freedom to move ahead and work on being our personal best. There is nothing wrong in wanting and making the effort to be your best self.

Now, the way to do this, is to stop criticizing, judging, and putting yourself down. Working on self-improvement is positive as long as it is not coming from a place of lack, or inadequacy within yourself.

If you, like so many, are struggling with self-acceptance, the good news is that, this is more of a skill that you can learn if you are willing to put certain principles into practice.

Practicing Self-acceptance

1- Seek to learn and understand all facets of who you are and make sure to bring compassion to the process.
2- Stop trying to be like everyone else, look like everyone else, and do what everyone else is doing. Just be you.
3- Count your blessings for all that you have within and around you. Keep this awareness at the forefront of your mind.
4- Change what you can, and if you can't change something, the only thing left for you to do is, accept it as it is.
5- Understand failures and unhappiness as part of life. It's ok, because we are more resilient than we think and are able to live with our flaws without having to kill them off.
6- Be kind to yourself. No one judges you more harshly than yourself. Stop it.
7- Be patient with yourself. All change is a process and none of it is ever nicely packaged.
8- Keep your support network close by. Surround yourself with good people, seek healing spaces, and do things that feed your spirit.
9- Be around love and acceptance as much as possible.
10- Give up the illusion of perfection and appreciate the humanness of imperfection.
11- Keep saying to yourself, good is good enough.
12- Forgive. We can't grow without forgiveness. Let go of past mistakes you think you made. Reconcile with yourself about not being the idealized self you pictured yourself to be someday. Mourn the parts of you that you miss so that you can then focus on being the best you today.
13- Don't give up. Keep at it. Because how you feel about yourself impacts so much your entire life.

As the saying goes, you are already whole and complete just as you are. If you don't know this, it is not too late to learn and cultivate this beautiful point of view of yourself.

Thank you for reading!











                                                                                   

Worrying Away Our Time

The Buddhist proverb on worrying:

"If you have a problem that can be fixed, then there is no use in worrying. If you have a problem that cannot be fixed, then there is no use in worrying."

Worry, worry, worry. So many of us engage in this unhelpful behavior. Intellectually, we know worrying doesn't solve anything. It doesn't work; it just eats up our time, and yet we do it anyway.

It's a habitual cycle of unhealthy fantasizing. We think about the worst-case scenario, experience it in our minds and then create unnecessary stress to our lives.

We usually worry about events that are in the past or future and often go back and forth between what has happened to what may happen.

What we need to understand is this: worrying about the future or preoccupying ourselves about past events robs us of trust, security, and emotional well-being.

Let's not forget, that a lot of what we spend time worrying about, doesn't actually happen. I repeat, most of our worries never come true. And even when trouble finds us, it is rarely as bad as we have made it out to be in our imagination. The fear is often worse in our mind than in reality.

We've all had negative experiences, some of which may have left emotional scars, and contribute to our catastrophic thinking, but to put ourselves through mental anguish about things before they happen is torture and frankly, a form of self-punishment.

Don't punish yourself with worry.

Constant worry is a behavior that uses up our precious time, keeps us living in our thoughts, and takes us away from our lives. Remember, we are all just visitors here; making the best use of our time is of essence.

One last thing about fear-based thinking worth mentioning is that it stops us from problem solving. Chronic worry doesn't allow us to see what we can do.

There is, however, an alternative to worry: learning to trust more.

Trust yourself to deal with things as they come up in your life. No matter what the situation, circumstance, or trouble, trust you will get what you need, to help you through the tough times.

It's a choice one has to make: believe and trust in yourself to manage the ups and downs of life or cling to fear, doubt, and anxiety to keep you stuck in the pattern of worry.

No better time than now; stop worrying away your time.

Learn to be more comfortable in the present; give the past a break and the future will come at its time. If we focus on living one day at a time, our fears and worries will lessen. I invite you to give this a try.

Thank you for reading!

Accomplishing Your Goals

 
   " One part at a time, one day at a time, we can accomplish any goal we set for ourselves." 

                                                         Karen Casey


What do you want to accomplish in your life? What do you want to change? Whatever it is, the best way to start is through goal setting. From a psychological perspective, there are things you can do that will give you the best chance possible to get there. As always, to make anything happen, you must be ready, willing, and able to put yourself in the driver's seat of your life and commit. By doing this, you will be taking control of your life, and this is how we go from where we are right now, to where we want to be.

Focus, Focus, Focus, on what you want, not what you don't want. Then practice repetition. Repeat what you're doing to achieve your goals over and over again. Reaching your goals will take focus and repetition of behaviors that will bring out your best to achieve your goals.

 Deliberate practice and staying focused is key to success. Both are essential if you want to make any significant change in your life.

Whatever it is you really want, turn it into a goal. Understand that anything worth having takes time and commitment. There are no shortcuts, only motivation. Be prepared to do the work. Stay inspired and be willing to make sacrifices.

Whether your goals are big or small, there is a process, a roadmap if you will, to help you get started.

I recently attended a webinar in which the speaker, Dr. Mardoche Sidor, talked about the steps in fulfilling our goals. I found it to be very helpful, easy to understand, and thought I'd share. This is my short, adapted version of it.*

Accomplishing our goals and getting what we want can be broken down into these steps: 

1. What do you want? State clearly, be descriptive, and specific about what you want.
2. Why do you want to achieve this goal?
3. How important is it for you?
4. How will it feel like, look like, when you achieve it?
5. When will you know you are there?
6. What will it take to get it?
7. What do you think will be the challenges you will encounter?
8. How will you overcome the challenges?
9. What are the steps to take right now? Where do you start?
10. Who will you report and be accountable to regarding your progress? You must remain accountable to someone who can support you throughout this process.

The "WHY" you must achieve your goal is important so that you can remind yourself to persist when mistakes are made. You will need to remember why you want this and why you should not give up.

Are you ready to go after what it is you want? If so, give it your all. Being fully committed to yourself will get you better results. Guaranteed.

* SWEET Institute ( Supporting Wellbeing through Empowerment, Education, and Training). SWEET article on  The 10 Commandments to Answer, "What you Want" by Mardoche Sidor, MD

Thank you for reading!

Moving in a Positive Direction

"The Buddha's teaching on causes and their results makes clear that accepting responsibility for our actions is the foundation for personal well-being and fulfillment. Denying your shortcomings and blaming the world for your discontent keeps you mired in unhappiness. Bad things happen to everyone. As long as you blame your parents or society for your problems, you give yourself an excuse not to change. The moment you accept responsibility for your situation, even though others may have contributed to it, you begin to move in a positive direction."

                                                                                            Josh Bartok
                                                                                            365 Buddhist Inspirations

If you are serious about going in a positive direction in life, here are some very basic principles to help you along the way.

First things first, take responsibility for your life. Begin by understanding the link between your thoughts, your feelings, your words, and your actions. This is key in how we make sense of our human experience. Here's a simple way of looking at it. Our thoughts and feelings influence each other, always. The words we speak reflect those thoughts and bring those feelings to life inside of us and directly influences how we behave. In the circle of thoughts, feelings, words, and actions, each influences the others. And so, change in one, can change the others.

Embrace your strengths and work with your shortcomings. Denying them will keep you stuck while acknowledgment and acceptance of them will help you discover your own self-empowerment, voice, and choice power.

Stop blaming others for your problems. You give away your personal power and take on the role of victim when you play the blame game. Instead, look to yourself first and get in the habit of asking,  "What's my part in this?"

No excuses. Be accountable for choices made, actions taken, and the results of your decisions.

There is a value in looking back, but we must not live or dwell in the past. If you do, the present will slip away. Choose to live in the here and now. Focus on what you DO HAVE, what you CAN DO, and what you can CHANGE NOW.

Tell the truth, beginning with yourself. Don't hide or cover up what is, instead deal with it.

Keep moving forward. We get to where we want to be, not by doing it perfectly, but because we're moving. As you move, you will see that life responds.

Remember to just do. Stay actively engaged with life and give your attention to the right things you should be doing.

Do more of what makes you happy; do less of things that make you unhappy.

Find gratitude in your daily life. There is a strong correlation between an attitude of gratitude and happiness.

Focus on your goals in spite of setbacks, mistakes or failures. If you fall, get back up, and carry on.

Live your values. When our choices and behavior match our core values, life feels right.

Give yourself permission to move ahead. Realizing that no one is holding us back except ourselves can be truly liberating.

Know when to leave people, places, and things that undermine your self-worth, self-esteem, and self-confidence.

Choose self-compassion over self-pity; one builds while the other keeps us self-absorbed in our own misery.

Often, what is needed to move us in a positive direction are the small steps we are willing to take on our behalf every single day. Any step in the right direction is better than no step at all.

Here's to moving ourselves forward!

Thank you for reading.
























                                                         

Making Sense of Drama

               "To see your drama clearly is to be liberated from it." - Ken Keyes Jr.

Many people fill their lives with...

Melodrama. Conflict. One problem after another; emotional turmoil, frustration, and stress. They overreact, blow things out of proportion, and turn small issues into crises. Often, the struggle is with other, but at the heart of drama is always a battle within. Overly dramatic individuals are prone to exaggerate the emotions they experience and the seriousness of a situation. Feeling their emotions intensely plays a big part in how drama plays out. It seems that some drama-driven individuals are agitators, thrive in conflict, while others are more emotionally invested to come to the rescue and save the day. I have found that often what the person is seeking is to be needed. When problems arise, drama-oriented people are usually quick to take control of a situation and attempt to fix things. The need to be needed mixed with rescue tendencies is triggered every time trouble is brewing. They seek emotional intensity and this sets them up to play the game-Drama in their lives again and again. It is no wonder drama always seems to follow them. Does this sound familiar?

If so, here's something to remember:

                 Drama does not just walk into your life.
                 Either you create it, invite it, or associate with it.
                                                                     - Unknown

Here's what I know:

Reoccurring drama, particularly in major life areas means something. It is revealing a truth about us that we may not want to see or admit to. The truth is many of us actively participate in drama. We do so for the secondary gains; however, whatever the payoffs, the cost of our behavior will outweigh the benefits. A drama-based life will only hold us back, keep us from changing negative patterns and solving our problems.

Something to keep in mind:

Reacting to life experiences in such dramatic ways often puts us on the negative path to nowhere.

So why do we create, invite, and engage in drama?

              "There is still so much drama in my life, but I'm not a sad person anymore."
                                                                                                    -Nikki Reed

Perhaps...

1. Engaging in drama-based behavior makes you feel more alive. When we are in our pain, feeling stressed and overwhelmed, we also get to feel alert, awake, and connected to something or someone other than ourselves. This may feel better than living with an emotional void, sense of emptiness, or experiencing the depth of loneliness.

2. Drama can be a distraction from things you don't want to think of or do anything about such as your unhappiness, fears, goals, and whatever else you want to avoid and not have to deal with. In this instance, drama becomes a distraction from your own life.

3. Drama is something familiar. This might have been the way you engaged with your family. We are drawn to what we know. Drama is learned behavior that can become an approach to how we live our lives.

4. Drama gives us a sense of importance; personal power and fulfills a need to be needed. This attention seeking behavior is how we get seen, heard and known by others and can become a strong part of our identity.

5. For many, the opposite of drama is boredom and who wants to live with that. Sometimes boredom can trigger a need for stimulation resembling you know what- Drama.

6. Drama gives rise to our emotions. You might say, it's a mood changer. We can go from boredom to excitement; sadness to anger; unhappiness to feeling more alive; loneliness to connectedness with others; self-anger to blaming others; fear to sense of power. I could go on, but I think you get the point. Drama creates shifts in how we feel.

At the root of all drama is a disconnection with self and others.

Our resistance to accept ourselves and others as they are perpetuates drama in our lives; keeps us from making meaningful life changes, and may be our biggest roadblock to understanding how we lose ourselves along the way.

Managing drama.

While it is true that no one can avoid drama all the time, there are ways we can stop it from taking control over our lives.

1.We must learn to recognize and acknowledge drama when it's happening.

2.We can't always control what happens in our lives, but we can choose how we deal and react to things.

3.Hold back from reacting too quickly to a situation; this often gets the cycle of drama going.

4.If you find yourself getting too worked up, consider using mantras to help you stay calm and look at the problem differently. These are some of my favorite ones: let whatever happens, happen; this will pass; let what will be, be; it's no big deal; so what?

5. Be honest and ask yourself, "Has drama ever improved anything of great significance in my life?"

6. We give up our power to drama by talking about it to others over and over again. Stop this.

7. Do more of what makes you happy. When we are happy, we do drama a whole lot less.

8. Focus on doing what is right for you and let it serve as your guide.

9. Learn to see problems as situations that can happen to all of us. Reframing your thoughts is a powerful method to help you see things in a new light.

10. Put your efforts on what you can control, not on what you can't.

11. Remember that all that happens to us is up for interpretation. This means, we get to choose how we feel about things. The final say on drama is on you.

We can learn to be at peace with reality no matter the circumstances.

Thank you for reading!
























                                                                                                                         

Ways To Cross Life's Floods

"How, dear sir, did you cross the flood?"
"By not halting, friend, and by not straining I crossed the flood."
"But how is it, dear sir, that by not halting and by not straining
      you crossed the flood?"
"When I came to a standstill, friend, then I sank, but when I
      struggled, then I got swept away. It is in this way, friend, that
      by not halting and by not straining I crossed the flood."

                                           Buddha, In The Connected Discourses of the Buddha

In this Buddhism reflection, the flood is a metaphor for adversity, problems and difficult times.

By not halting and by not straining, we are able to 'cross the flood.'

Bringing this message into your life means staying calm, steady, and prepared for the challenges that often come our way. This is the way out of troubled waters. Absolutely.

No matter what happens in your life, you don't have to drown or be swept away.

Ways to cross life's floods, big and small:

Face the truth of your reality. See what's in front of you. Keep looking straight ahead. Don't stop and give up. Stay engaged, focused, and keep moving. Be prepared to adapt to current conditions. Don't resist nor struggle with what is; instead seek to understand and the insights will come. Don't just wait for things to happen, but at the same time, don't force anything. Go with the flow. Keep your mind working in your favor. Keep your sights on progress, not perfection. Don't get stuck on anything or anyone. Stay in the present and move with it. Aim for clarity and calmness. Be patient, consistent, and committed. Keep your wits about you. Above all, remember going through something is how we grow from it.

None of this is easy. It takes work and practice, but we can do it.

Thank you for reading!

All Will Pass

It Will Pass

A student went to his meditation teacher and said, "My meditation is horrible! I feel so distracted, or my legs ache, or I'm constantly falling asleep. It's just horrible!"

"It will pass," the teacher said matter-of-factly.

A week later, the student came back to his teacher. "My meditation is wonderful! I feel so aware, so peaceful, so alive! It's just wonderful!"

"It will pass," the teacher replied matter-of-factly.

A short Zen story to help us remember that all things pass.

The reality of impermanence or as I like to think of it, the gift of impermanence serves as a reminder that the only constant in life is change. Change, change and more change. This principle teaches us that nothing is permanent. Just like all good things come and go, the same holds true for all the bad things. Understanding the impermanence of all things is a powerful tool that can help us appreciate what we have right now.

We will experience ups and downs, good days and bad, and all will pass. Everything is temporary. It's always good to remember that our emotions, whether positive or negative, both come to an end. All that is needed is for us to feel and release our emotions. In other words, just experience things and don't get caught up in the "good or bad" of anything. Emotions come and go if we let them. Thoughts come and go if we let them. Change occurs all the time.

The next time you are emotionally upset, endure and remember that it will pass. What a relief to know this. When life is going your way, enjoy the present moment, and remember this too will pass. It is the nature of life. Try not to get stuck on negative emotional states or too attached to the positive ones. Holding onto thoughts and feelings is a major reason why we suffer. We obsess when worried and suffer as a result. We hold on to happy feelings and suffer when they come to an end. What are we to do? Experience things as they come and prepare to release. This practice is key for inner peace and wellness.

Remember nothing is permanent. All we have is the present moment and whether you see it as "good or bad" know that it will pass. "Everything passes."

Thank you for reading!