Goodwill Towards Yourself

A special end of year dedication to each and every one of you.

As we move into a new year, it is my wish that you continue on with new awareness, deeper understanding, and greater appreciation for who and what you are. Be kind to yourself, show self-compassion, and give yourself the gift only you can give yourself : self-love.

What I have just described is Goodwill Towards Yourself.

It is defined by the way we treat ourselves and reflects the way we treat other people.

It matters that you know that goodwill to oneself or lack thereof, reveals the relationship you have with yourself, and this ultimately, sets the foundation for everything else.

What you deserve to give yourself:

"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."

- Saint Therese of Liseaux

This timeless quote attributed to St. Therese is used as a daily prayer by many. The words in this short verse capture the essence of what we are searching for, in need of, and want to have more of.

Taking really good care of yourself is a practice of goodwill.

INNER PEACE
Peace comes to us when we stop running from life and ourselves. Live in the present and get out of your head. Experience the moment. Worry less. Seek people, places and things that help you connect to serenity. Stop living in the past or the future; this takes away today's peace. Keep remembering: everything passes. Do the best you can and be okay with that. Count your blessings every day and be thankful. Make peace of mind a daily priority and you will find it.

TRUST
Life will show you what you need to change, let go of, or improve on. Listen and trust your intuition. Allow yourself to get on the path that is right for you. Reach out and ask for help; someone will be there for you. Continue on, knowing that everything that happens to us is an opportunity to learn from. Your inner strengths will carry you in times of need.

FAITH
Believe in yourself; nothing will change otherwise. Keep your mind and your heart open to others. Faith in ourselves and others can keep hope alive that change is doable and possible.You survived your pain, the worst is over; you can only get better from here on out. Everyday miracles happen through love, support and positive connections with others.

GIFTS
Make the most of your talents; they help us feel our best about ourselves; use them to do good and help others.

LOVE
Love brings comfort, heals our wounds, and allows us to return to wholeness. Be loving. Do loving things and you will experience more love. When the love is good, real, and right for us, we get what we give. This is how it works.

SELF-ACCEPTANCE
Embrace all of you- as you are- as you try to improve what you can. Progress is always incremental. We are all imperfect, worthy of love and compassion, but it starts with us-self-love and self-appreciation.

SELF-KNOWLEDGE
Deep inside we know the truth.We know the answers to our problems. We know it is us who needs to change.We know what is right and wrong for us. Being honest with yourself about yourself will guide you to the next step. 

FREEDOM
Take necessary risks and begin living life, not just surviving it. Trust the voice within- it knows you best. Be your own person and discover what living to the fullest really means.

Love yourself so you can love others more deeply!

Thank you for reading.

Quote Source:
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/68943-may-today-there-be-peace-within-may-you-trust-that

How Can I Help?

            
           
Please remember, it is what you are that heals, not what you know. - Carl Jung

How can we help those we love when they are in pain? As a therapist, I am often asked this question. Although, every situation is unique based on the person's needs and particular circumstances, my response is the same: Be present with them, open your heart, and become a healing presence.

We help those in need when we open our hearts to them. Don't worry about knowing what to say to someone who is turning to you for support. Knowledge is a great asset, however, this can only take us but so far in deepening our connection with others who are in pain. Those who are hurting are not necessarily turning to you for answers. What they are looking for is to be heard. They want to be listened to. You can help by listening with your heart and allowing them to reveal the pain that is inside them.

Being a healing presence to someone in need:

Start by listening. Don't add to what is being said, take away from it, or try to fix it.

Respect where the person is emotionally. Don't be quick to take away someone's pain. It is there for a reason and will lift when the individual is ready.

Be empathic. Put yourself in their place and have a mental picture of what this person is experiencing and then communicate this back to them so that they feel understood and less alone. Empathy is a quality that allows us to feel what others are feeling.

Understand that while we are all different we are in many ways the same. We all feel pain.

Validation is key in our communication with others. We all want to be seen and to be heard. Those who are hurting want to know that what they have shared means something to you.

Ask them what they need. This shows that you care and helps you to see what the real need is in the person you are trying to help.

These are the healing qualities that give comfort and bring us closer to those we love when they are in need. It is how we touch someone who is in pain.

I have found that certain phrases can help initiate a healing experience for those who have a story to tell. I begin by saying anyone of these: "Talk to me,"  "Tell me what's going on," " I want to hear everything you have to say," and "How can I help." This conveys the message that I am here for them and I want to hear about what they are going through.

Take note of this: The best gift you can give someone you love is you, your time, your attention, and your loving care. It's your presence that matters most in their life and in all of your important relationships with others.

Thank you for reading!

From Lost To Found: How We Grow

                                       Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
                                                    by Portia Nelson
                                          "There's a hole in My Sidewalk"


Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault...
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall... it's a habit... but,
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five
I walk down another street.

This widely recognized poem has become a staple in the recovery world and is often used in self-help and therapy groups. The 'hole in the sidewalk' is a metaphor of life, and the story it tells reveals a learning pattern most of us go through as we navigate change and growth.

A story we can relate to.

It is the shortest 'autobiography' I have ever read, and yet, one of the best ever. In this short story, we are given a lesson on change and how it is one of the toughest of life's challenges. We walk away with a deeper awareness of the significance of taking personal responsibility for our behaviors and how this becomes a catalyst for change and growth. The final lesson, however is one that helps us come to the realization that we have choices. No matter what the situation, circumstance, or issue, we have choices. We can change direction, make different choices, find a new path, and recover our personal power. To allow for change and growth is a choice that only we can make. Give yourself permission and see what happens!

From lost to found, and how we grow:

We must first acknowledge the fact that we are lost. There is a problem and we are hurting. Stop pretending, ignoring and claiming you don't see what is happening. Somewhere deep inside, you know.

Be willing to learn, and open to feel.

Accept responsibility for your thoughts, words, and actions. We must first accept responsibility if we are to make a positive change. That is the natural order of growing and turning our lives around. Pay attention and observe yourself in action until it becomes a matter of habit. Get in the habit of minding your own business and less on figuring out others.

Understand that many of our problems are a direct result and consequence of our choices. We must be willing to make choices that support change, rather than more of the same old, familiar ones we know all too well.

Decide and commit to changing unhelpful patterns of behavior. Granted, habits are hard to break, but not impossible. We must engage in healthy self-reflection to see if our present behavior has become our way of reliving painful childhood experiences. If so, know that there is a another way to go about this - work through the emotional pain so that you can move and grow from it. Repeating behaviors that hold us back takes us to you know where, PAIN. This will continue to happen, until you realize that what your life needs is a fresh perspective. Be willing to let go of what hurts, consider taking another sidewalk, and move on to a new chapter in your life.

Own your mistakes and learn with them. In other words, mistakes are a given, so learn as you make them. Avoid passing judgment on yourself, this only serves to make you feel badly about yourself and vulnerable to self-sabotage any positive changes you have already made. Remember, mistakes do not invalidate your growth and efforts. We are creatures of habit and changing our unhelpful patterns is a process - a gradual one at that.

Face yourself to discover yourself. That is how we go from being lost to being found. When we stop running from our fears, and we stop chasing after pain, we get to see that we are the ones who need to change. Healing, recovery, personal growth... however one may choose to name it, includes change. At some point in this journey, we learn to avoid making the same mistakes over and over again by making different choices. We will then get to see where the sidewalk ends and decide to walk down another street.

As you get ready for change keep this in mind...

We are either moving towards health or away from it. Choose your direction.

Progress is always incremental.

Behavioral change occurs gradually over time with many zigzags along the way.

Focus on improvements instead of perfection.

Healthy ways of being stabilize with practice.

We are all flawed, and that's okay. Admitting to this brings freedom.

There is hope for the wounded self: we call it healing.

I invite you to read the poem again and this time, consider what chapter you are living, and what actions you would be willing to take to move on to the next.

May you see your way.

Thank you for reading!

Here Not There

                                  Life is always where we are. ~ Mark Nepo


The gift of being aware 

An interesting thing happened to me the other day as I was taking a walk. I noticed this amazing quote posted right outside one of my favorite eateries in my neighborhood. I stopped so I could fully take in these words. In an instant, I was captivated by its simplicity and truth. After a few minutes, I continued on my merry way, but with a new sense of renewal. A few days later, as I was repeating the quote to myself, to my surprise, I felt a burst of energy rise inside of me as the clarity of it began to settle. Obviously, the power of these words had a positive effect on me. Then it occurred to me that had I been lost in thought, as I sometimes can be, I would not have seen, and therefore, this particular moment in my life would have been missed. As I continued to reflect, I was again reminded that when we are fully present to life, the gift of awareness becomes part of the experience, revealing something that is there for us. And so it is- the gift of being aware is indeed an opportunity for us to see.

I decided to look up Mark Nepo to become better acquainted with his writings and found the quote as part of a longer passage which reads, "No matter the pain, life is always where we are. Nothing is being withheld." In other words, no matter what our personal story is, we must remember that life is for living. I repeat, life is to be lived. How we do this, is up to us. As far as my own view, the best approach is to be present to the life we have. It has taken me years to fully appreciate and understand that being present is what allows us to learn-grow-love-feel, and this is what real living is all about.

Here Not There

Life is always happening! Where exactly? In front. Around you. Up close. Your life is always Here Not There. Yet so many of us see life as happening somewhere over there, anywhere but Here. They prefer There to Here. These are the people who go through life seeing, but not really. They see the grass as always greener on the other side of the fence and therefore missing out on the bigger picture of what matters most in life. Life is about the choices we make-lessons learned-being open-figuring out what's important, and doing what matters. We all have one life to live, make the most of it, while you still can. Pay attention and focus on the life you have. Change what is within your control, accept what cannot be changed, and embrace it all because it's your life. We know that life is far from perfect, but stop running away from yours. Stop holding yourself back by continuing to turn your back to life. Face your life. See it. Live it. And be grateful for it.

Remember: life is how you see it.

Take a good look at your life. What do you see?
May you see the good and not just the bad aspects of living. May you do your part to make the world a better place because we are all in this together. May you connect with your inner strength to help you see that more is not necessarily better, and changing the outside picture does not always give you what you need in the long run.
May you realize that looking within, appreciation, and gratitude can work magic to help you see the light and give you the healing you need.

I leave you with this:

We are never more alive as when we are in the present, opening ourselves to what is, and doing what matters. May you have many present moments.

Thank you for reading!

"Let what will be, be"

Acceptance - Poem by Robert Frost

When the spent sun throws up its rays on cloud
And goes down burning into the gulf below,
No voice in nature is heard to cry aloud
At what has happened. Birds, at least must know
It is the change to darkness in the sky.
Murmuring something quiet in her breast,
One bird begins to close a faded eye;
Or overtaken too far from his nest,
Hurrying low above the grove, some waif
Swoops just in time to his remembered tree.
At most he thinks or twitters softly, 'Safe!
Now let the night be dark for me to see
Into the future. Let what will be, be.'

Although this poem touches on nature, it is actually offering us a perspective about life. It is open to interpretation, so keep this in mind as I share my own view.

Let me begin by saying that I read this poem everyday as part of my prayer ritual. It serves as a reminder to live life on life's terms. Allowing myself to see what is, focusing on what I can do, instead of what I can't, and accepting the things in life that cannot be changed is a daily practice that works for me. There is no question that this is challenging, but just knowing the benefits makes it all worthwhile. I have learned that I can have peace with myself and my life when I open myself to accepting things as they are presented. I may not like what is, but in recognizing the facts of a given situation, event or circumstance, I find peace of mind. Even though the truth initially may be hard to accept, once you get to the other side, the truth can be liberating. Accepting the facts of life and seeing them as natural life occurrences helps us to work with and not against our reality. It can quiet the battle within that often keeps us in a state of misery, and make it easier to access our inner strengths and resources to let what will be, be.

Acceptance of change is a strong theme presented in this poem. Change is not only the way of nature, but also the way of life. The birds in this poem know there is a time of light and darkness, a time for activity, but also a time to rest. The day has come and gone and now it is time to return to that familiar place of safety. Once there, they can shut down for the night without fear or worry. In a similar way, we too, must accept that in life there is always change. Things will happen whether we are prepared for them or not. A helpful approach is to make the choice to live your life in the present. By this I mean, take each day as it comes. Deal with things as they happen and do the best you can. In times of stress, worry and fear, return to that familiar place you call 'Safe.' For me, that familiar place is 'Acceptance.' It's about dropping the struggle and resistance and living with what is. It is peace and quiet. It is a recognition that there is a time for work, a time to play, and also a time to put our fears to rest. Practice living one day at a time, let what will be, be and you will come to know acceptance.

Thank you for reading!

Looking Back, To Allow, Moving Forward

              
Looking back at the past for the purpose of learning will allow you to move forward.

To fully appreciate the significance of these words, let's look at this more closely.

Looking Back can be very beneficial and has huge pay offs when we are actively learning about ourselves. The objective needs to be increasing self-knowledge so we can then feel empowered to make changes in ourselves, relationships, and life.

When looking back, a key point to remember is that we must focus our attention on knowing ourselves and understanding ourselves. Ultimately, the person you need to understand is you.

The willingness to let down your walls, embracing continuous learning, and having a strong desire to be healthy are the characteristics we need most to help us learn from the past, let go of the pain, and move forward.

If you need some encouragement, here are my top five reasons to look back:

- Improve your relationship with yourself.
- Look back and see your life differently.
- Stop reliving your past in the present.
- Gain awareness and acceptance that bad things happen to people. It's not personal, it's life.
- Make peace with yourself.

Other benefits of looking back may also include:

- Allowing old hurts to surface and be worked through in the present.
- Renewing trust in self, relationships and life.
- Understanding how past experiences have shaped the person you are today.
- Removing emotional barriers that are in the way.
- New awareness, insight and relief.
- Forgiveness of self and others.
- Replacing negative beliefs with helpful ones that support the person you are today.
- Exposing the shame, bitterness and resentments that keep you stuck in life.
- Developing a healthier perspective about different parts of your life.
- Interrupting the cycle of self-punishment over things that happened in the past.
- Gaining support, validation and acceptance from those we trust.
- Living a more thankful, grateful life.

Just to be clear, looking back is valuable when we use it to grow, evolve and progress. The goal is always to move forward. New Understanding and opening up to New Awareness allows us to achieve this goal if we are open to receive.

A few words on dealing with the past:

Facing your past does not mean dwelling on it. It just means that you are willing to work on the pieces of your life that are causing you problems and have become obstacles. Once the issues are worked through enough, you have the responsibility to put into practice new behaviors and awareness that support health. When you make the decision to stop reliving the past in the present, you will be heading forward bound.

Food for thought: dwelling on the old hurts and pains keeps us anxious, frustrated, and depressed.

Lao Tzu once said, "Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes." I believe this, and can honestly tell you, I have an easier time moving on from whatever is upsetting me, by reminding myself that life is a series of experiences. It consists of the good, the bad, and everything in between. All of it, happens during the course of life and living. That's all.

When unforeseen events and circumstances happen, tell yourself, this too is part of life. It just happens to be your turn to experience the painful side of living.

Gaining perspective on the power of the past:

The past is a part of you. It is important because it happened. But it falls under the heading of "what was" not "what is." As such, we must learn to keep the past in its right place - in the past. I understand that this is not done easily or simply. All the same, we have a choice to make: allow our emotional wounds to heal or hold on to what hurts.

The real power, I believe, is in the present, not in the past. The past is over and done with. There is nothing we can do about it, but learn from it. The present, on the other hand, is happening now- this is all we have, it's what we can change, and the only time we have control over. We can rebuild our lives only in the here and now.

Closing thoughts...

To experience the reward of healing, we must be willing to examine our lives and learn from it. We must also be willing to learn to live our lives in the present. Looking back matters, but don't get stuck there. Life is calling.

Three important takeaways:

Deal with the past by putting it in perspective, and move forward.
Your life will improve when you think and feel better about yourself.
Life is too precious of a gift to waste it living in the past. Don't miss out on it.

Thank you for reading!

Get A Grip On Feeling Overwhelmed

               The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. - Lao Tzu


Where does this feeling come from?

Feeling Overwhelmed comes from our thinking. We start telling ourselves that whatever needs to be done is just too much for us to handle. We convince ourselves that we can't do, so we do nothing. Often it is not the situation that keeps us feeling overwhelmed, but our way of thinking about the situation. Such is the power of the mind.

As I think...
I can't do this. I already have too much to do.
the tasks are much, too much.
I don't know where or how to begin.
I'm not capable.
I'll never get everything done.
why me?

I feel...
paralyzed with anxiety.
stuck.
angry.
ashamed.
guilty.
resentful.

I do...
nothing.

When we resist doing what needs to be done, the end result is usually a buildup of stress and pressure, making it quite difficult for us to change self-defeating thoughts.

The next time you feel overwhelmed, step back and listen to your internal dialogue. Doubting your capabilities can and often does lead to underperforming.

Understanding the connection between our thoughts, feelings, and actions is key.

What we tell ourselves, brings up certain feelings and it's this connection that impacts what we do next and whether it's helpful or not.

Just know that by changing your thoughts, your feelings change. And by changing your behavior, your thoughts and feelings also change.

So the next time you feel overwhelmed, think again.

Sometimes, however, feeling overwhelmed, gives us an out from having to do things we really don't want to do. In other words, it becomes an excuse to avoid any change that we perceive as threatening. Watch out, that the phrase, "I'm feeling overwhelmed," does not become your go to statement as a way for you to do nothing.

You may also want to consider the possibility that feeling overwhelmed is a mental trap to stop you from making progress. It sometimes serves the function of holding us back in life.

So, what is the remedy? It's a plain and simple one.

To do. Take one step at a time. One task at a time. Do this again and again. Soon enough, you will see that you actually can do. You will gain confidence in your ability to effect change and move forward.

Can you accept this simple solution? Here's the problem: many of us struggle in accepting simple remedies. Our mind tells us, "it's so simple, it can't be true." Some of us want to believe it's more complicated than that. But, it really isn't.

Our thinking may tell us we have no choices, but this is a lie. The truth is that a simple do can change our perception about being stuck and feeling trapped. Let us not forget, we do have choices, which is a life changing thing to have.

We decide how to live our lives. We can change. We can do.

It can be now.

Thank you for reading!

Look at What's Right

When we celebrate what's right, we find the energy to fix what's wrong" - Dewitt Jones

I want to share with you a conversation I was having with a young woman who has always struggled with her body weight. It has been her focus to "fix" this part of herself, but by her own definition, has repeatedly failed at it. Then one day, she makes a startling revelation. She had recently purchased her dream home and was thinking to herself just how special this home was to her; it was literally a home she had passed by many times growing up and fantasized about owning some day. It was finally hers to enjoy. She continued to see the picture of her home in her mind and despite all the repairs it needed, she just focused on its beauty. She was in love with it! Yes, she loved everything about this home in spite of its imperfections. In fact, the things that needed to be fixed were quite obvious, but it didn't take away her joy, pride, and satisfaction of owning this magnificent home. Then she had her aha moment: Just as she could love being in her new home despite its imperfections, and so too, she could love her body, herself, with flaws and all. Instead of looking at what was wrong, she decided to look at what was right. It was at this point, she decided it was time to change her relationship with her body.

I wish I could share some credit for that beautiful insight, but am happy to say it was all hers. She was ready to look and see her beauty in imperfection.

Now, fast forward, from that moment in time. This young woman continues to gain insight, to see connections between her unmet needs, its relationship with self-image, and confidence in making positive choices. All relevant material for which to examine, but what is most important, is that she stopped feeling bad about herself. She has found the courage to allow herself to celebrate not just her home, but herself.

Take time to acknowledge, accept, and most of all appreciate what's right, and good about YOU. When we look at what is right in ourselves, we are starting from a place of strength. It is from this place within that we can then discover hope, faith, determination and all that good stuff to make the changes we want in our lives.

Let us not forget that in healing the parts of us that need to heal, there are parts of us that are perfectly fine just as they are.

Learn and grow and remember to look at what's right along the way. You just might have the revelation that you are all right.

Happy reading!



      

Keep Your Heart Open

Piece by Piece
Kelly Clarkson

And all I remember is your back
Walking towards the airport, leaving us all in your past
I traveled fifteen hundred miles to see you
I begged you to want me, but you didn't want to
But piece by piece, he collected me
Off the ground, where you abandoned things
Piece by piece he filled the holes that you burned in me
Six years old and you know
He never walks away
He never asks for money
He takes care of me
He loves me
Piece by piece, he restores my faith
That a man can be kind and a father could, stay
And all of your words fall flat
I made something of myself and now you wanna come back
But your love, it isn't free. it has to be earned
Back then I didn't have anything you needed so I was worthless
But piece by piece, he collected me up
Off the...
But piece by piece, he collected me up
Off the ground, where you abandoned things
Piece by piece he filled the holes that you burned in me
Six years old and you know
He never walks away
He never asks for money
He takes care of me
'Cause he loves me
Piece by piece, he restored my faith
That a man can be kind and a father could, stay
Piece by piece
Piece by piece I fell far from the tree
I will never leave her like you left me
And she will never have to wonder her worth
Because unlike you I'm going to put her first and you know
He'll never walk away,
He'll never break her heart
He'll take care of things, he'll love her
Piece by piece, he restored my faith
That a man can be kind and the father should be great
Piece by piece
Piece by piece

What I love about this song is that its message reveals a very important truth about life we all need to remember: We are wounded in the context of our relationships and we are also healed by them. The road to healing, however, can only happen by keeping our heart open.

The song's lyrics, which focus on the issue of abandonment in the form of an absent parent who chooses to physically and emotionally not have contact with his child, also shows the adult child being restored through love. As in the song, piece by piece, the best antidote for the pain of abandonment is love, but we must remain open to giving and receiving.

Adults who were abandoned as children either physically or emotionally by a parent or caregiver often struggle with self-esteem, trust, fear of abandonment, intimacy and commitment, emotional dependency, and self-neglect. They grow up with guilt that somehow they did something to make this person go away and shame about who they are: unworthy and unlovable. Abandonment sends a clear message to the child that he/she is not important and does not matter. This is the painful message the child internalizes and needs to heal from. It is not uncommon for people to find themselves re-enacting their childhood abuse by choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable and share some of the traits of the abusive parent(s). Breaking this cycle of neglect while at the same time opening up to loving again needs to become a primary focus of healing.

If abandonment is one of the many pieces in your life, I am here to tell you that you can change, grow, and make progress in spite of, or because of it. As a survivor, you are part of a group that is made up of the strongest people around. I should know, I work with them.

Here's the good news: There are parents who were neglected, who are loving, involved, and present in their children's lives. Yes, it's very possible to do the complete opposite of what was done to you. You might be someone who carries the pain of emotional neglect and is in a loving relationship. It's not only possible, it's real. Here's why: Life is really about choices and the decisions we make. Coming out of our deepest hurts is a matter of choice.

Personal therapy can also facilitate a healing interaction that brings about a corrective emotional experience based on trust and validation. It is important to tell your story and be listened to. Understanding the full impact of the parenting you received, making peace with the past, and improving your relationship with yourself can create a significant shift in your relationships with others. A big part of your healing will entail changing negative beliefs about yourself and feeling worthy independent from the actions of others. Good therapy will support any and all efforts to keep your heart open because this is how we get our life back on track. Remember, all of your experiences have helped to form the person you have become. We must take the good, the bad, and the ugly and work with it. In life, it is not the hand you're dealt with, but how you play the game.

Reasons to keep your heart open

- Some of us become stronger because of pain, others because of love, but it's the combination of the two that give life meaning.
- Sometimes by learning what love isn't, we are better able to see what love is.
- Undoing the negative effects of the past is something many of us are doing piece by piece.
- It's not what happens to you. It is what you tell yourself about what happened that can make all the difference to your life.
- Don't let the past cheat you of happiness and well-being.
- Closing your heart to avoid pain will inevitably keep out love. Is this what you really want?
- Everything that has happened to you has led to the person you are today- someone with strengths and weaknesses. Although, you wouldn't wish your pain on others, remember your strong parts came from that pain as well.
- There are some things we don't get over, we just need to get past it to be okay.
- When you tumble and fall, get back up and try again. That's all.
- Life is not always fair. We still need to work with it.
- Those who hurt us, also strengthen us.
- When we can't change a situation, the best thing to do is to change ourselves.
- You were devalued not because there was something lacking in you, but because of what was lacking in others.
- Understanding is key to letting go of the pain.
- As an adult, you have choices and freedoms you didn't have as a child.
- You went through it once and lived to talk about it, so there is no need to keep reliving your painful past in your heart.
- Learning to give yourself what you are wanting others to give to you can only happen with an open heart.
- Frankly, life is too short to be preoccupied with pain from the past. Move on.
- We can't start to heal if we close our heart and deny our feelings.
- Keeping an open heart gives you access to loving again. There's no other way for love to get through.
- The alternative to keeping your heart open is a life in which you are continuously closing yourself off from living life to the fullest. What does that look like and more importantly, what does that feel like to you?
- When you open your heart, you invite vulnerability, but you also attract the life that you desire.

Last word

To all the wonderful people in my life who never give up, you teach me, better yet, remind me why having hope matters. To keep your heart open in spite of it all is what a living miracle is to me.

Thank you for reading.

It's Fear

What is All This About?

Self-doubt. What ifs. Self-sabotage. Self-defeating behaviors. Avoidance. Procrastination. Denial. Inaction. Non-commitment. The 'I don't know' stance. Over-thinking. Yes, but. Anxiety. Worry. Numbing distractions through alcohol, drugs, food and or shopping. Escapism through television, video games, and or sex. Under-functioning. Blaming. Resistance. Living with dissatisfaction. Attracting the wrong partner. Settling for anything less than joy. Excuses. Stress. Rage. Insecurities. Jealousy. Arrogance. Staying in unhappy relationships. Selfishness. Low self-esteem. Pessimism. Negative thinking. Unexpressed grief. Indecisiveness. Controlling. Emotional distance. Unhappiness. Running away from responsibility. Hiding out from life. Excessive busyness. Creating a chaos filled life. Rationalizations. Minimizing. Clutter. Self-harm. Need for perfection. People pleasing. Alive, but not living. Self-sacrificing behaviors. Helplessness. Playing the sick role. Doing work you don't want to do and have no passion for. It's fear, I say.

FEAR is at the heart of it all! The above examples are some of the ways we express fear, and all too often, don't realize it. It is important to know that the fear inside us is always talking to us.

Don't get discouraged, fear can be worked with, but first we must come clean and call it by its right name. We must make up our mind to look and understand the many FACES of FEAR.

What is fear?

An emotion. A survival reaction. It's a natural, built-in defense to protect us from physical and emotional danger. Fear kicks into full gear against real threats and that's what makes this mechanism so indispensable in our lives. Even in our day to day, having some fear can help us to stay alert, active and focused. This of course is a good thing, however, there is another side to fear that we must pay attention to. When left unchecked, fear can hold us back and stop us from living. No, I am not exaggerating. The fear inside us, begins in our mind and rather than motivating us to push forward, its function is to stand in the way of progress. We sometimes create and maintain obstacles that prevent us from making positive life changes. This type of fear response surfaces to keep us "safe" but what it really does, is keep us "stuck." This fear tells us to stop what we're thinking of doing. It puts great distance between ourselves and our deepest wants, needs and desires by keeping us in a distracted state. The more distracted we are from ourselves, the more likely it is to settle for a life we don't want and the more terrified we become about what we might see, say, and do if we push ahead. We can give into fear based living or we can look at the reality of it. The choice is ours.

What fear is not.

We are not weak because we fear. Nothing to feel shame about. It is not an opponent to be defeated. The problem is not fear itself, but in how we work with it. Fear is not something we can get rid of entirely. Fear does not make you flawed, it makes you human.

Fear made stronger.

Fear grows when it stays hidden. We don't look within. Negate. Remain silent. Run from it. Lie to ourselves. Isolate. Call it something else. Take no action. Lack of knowledge. Camouflage it. Pretend that nothing is wrong. When we self-hate. A word of caution on hating your fear. We give power over to anything or anyone we hate. Don't waste your heart on hating. Besides, turning on ourselves only serves to make our fears stick around longer.

Stronger than fear.

Fear diminishes with understanding. Acknowledgment. Awareness. Facing them. Effort. Exposure. Words backed up with action. Love. Support. Truth. Faith. Hope. Quiet mind. Perspective. Acceptance. Change. Courage. Trust. Observation. Focusing on your dreams. Goals. Values. Intuition. Learning from fear. Using knowledge to help you live with fear differently.

We fear to know ourselves.

I know about fear. I certainly have my own and as a therapist, I get to see the fear that is inside and how it plays out in one's life. Here are just a few examples of what we fear most in ourselves: Fear of the unknown. Losing the approval of others. Others seeing us as we see ourselves. Not being accepted for who we are. Losing what we have. Getting what we want. Giving up what's familiar. Growing up. Starting over. Not being loved back. Abandonment. Rejection. Getting hurt. Making mistakes. Being on our own. Being wrong. Our own greatness. Vulnerability.

Work with fear by learning to be with it.

It's okay to be afraid. Fear lives inside us and therefore is a part of us. I think we can agree that we all have fear. Now consider the possibility that fear is not the problem at all and that perhaps the way we relate to fear is the real problem. Perhaps it's all the ways we obscure it, all the distractions and barriers we create to not look at fear that keeps it a strong force in our lives.

Fear doesn't really go away entirely and so expect to be in and out of it all the time. That's a good thing. Remember, fear is there to protect and keep us safe. The best we can do is come out with it, or better yet, come clean with it. Own up to the fear and find helpful ways of addressing it. This is the way you can begin to give attention to the parts of you that need to be healed.

It is important to identify, describe, and seek to understand. Uncover what is behind your fear- it is there for a reason and it's up to you to find out. Ask yourself, "What is this fear about and what does it mean." Keep at it until you are satisfied that you know what is underneath your fear. Get to know your fear.

Engaging the fear.

By talking to your fear, you will learn to relate to it openly and honestly. This close interaction with fear will actually help you to become less afraid. It makes sense, doesn't it? Usually, the closer we are to someone or something, the less afraid we become.

Fear needs our acknowledgment. We need to recognize its presence. The more we resist acknowledging the fear, the more it will persist. That's how it works.

It's important to understand, the idea is not about making the fear go away completely. It is more about talking to it so that it can retreat to the background, allowing us to then take center stage in our own lives. Our aim is not to get rid of fear. We just need the fear to be quiet enough for us to do what we need to do for ourselves.

Keep in mind the fear inside us that is there to protect us from harm can sometimes become overprotective. Instead of providing a safeguard, fear can immobilize us and have a tremendous impact on our decision making.

In some ways, overprotective fear is similar to an overprotective parent who means well, but can be over involved and smothering. The child in this case would likely grow up having difficulty in claiming his or her life in a meaningful way.

Fear of this magnitude can be debilitating, paralyzing, and ultimately influencing the decisions we make. When fear has taken over our lives, we can shrivel up and wither, go to battle with it or we can talk to our fear and give it some reassurance that we are looking after ourselves.

What I am suggesting is that you have a heart-to-heart talk with your fear. In the most open and honest way of communication tell your fear how much you appreciate its efforts to always protect you, but that in this instance you can handle it on your own. Assure your fear that you've got this!

Think of it this way- The older, wiser, and healthier you is appealing to the part of you that is afraid- this could be the child in you or the wounded self. The adult version of you is now the protector and offering assurances that you are willing to face the reality of the situation and that you are going to take care of yourself as you do this. When we talk to the part of us that is scared, we are really talking to fear itself. We are in essence relating to fear as if it were our friend. With this in mind, it is important to calm our fear with soothing words, reassure it that all is well, and it will quiet down. The end result is peace with fear.

I personally like to use affirmations to calm my fears when they show up every so often. Here are 3 of my favorite short sayings:
-Let whatever happens happen.
-The past is past.
-Let what will be, be.

It is my wish that you can use this reading as a tool to help you embrace a close encounter of the friendly kind with your fear.

Thank you for reading.

Here I go again...

                                             An' here I go again on my own.
                                                            Goin' down
                                             the only road I've ever known...

                                                                            -Whitesnake


Here I go again, thinking unhelpful thoughts... sound familiar? It's quite common and whether you call it negative thinking, self-defeating thinking, or faulty thinking, it's pretty much all the same - unhelpful.

Often, unhelpful thoughts serve to bring us down; we feel bad and assume the worst about ourselves. They impact our mood, decisions, and ultimately our actions. Sometimes these thoughts just pop into our mind but more likely tend to occur before, during or following anxiety provoking situations causing stress, worry, and fear.

In general, unhelpful thinking patterns develop over time and through repetition, become habitual, compromise sound judgment and undermine emotional health. Most of us already know this, and yet can't help ourselves from goin' down this negative path and heading straight toward emotional hurt.

Here are some examples of unhelpful thinking patterns:

1- Filtering-Focusing only on the negative aspects of a situation, and leaving out the positive.

2- Disqualifying the Positive- Discounting or minimizing the positive by downplaying our  accomplishments and disregarding our personal attributes.

3- Forecasting- Predicting that a future event or situation will turn out badly without there being any evidence.

4- Mind Reading- Jumping to conclusion by assuming we know what other people are thinking about us (usually negative).

5- Comparison Thinking- Judging ourselves negatively against others and feeling inadequate.

6- Self-Critical- Typically involves self-attacks; putting ourselves down.

7- Should, Must, and Ought- Creates undue pressure to do things a certain way; a set-up for negative self-judgment based on unrealistic demands.

8- Judgmental- Critical of self and others; rushing to judgment; being closed-minded on our opinion about self, others, or the world around us.

9- Emotional Reasoning- Believing that our emotional reactions reflect the way things really are, regardless of the observed evidence. For instance, if you feel guilty, that must mean you did something bad.

10- Making Mountains out of Molehills- Making more of a situation than there really is; getting all worked up over minor issues.

11- Magnifying- Anticipating the worst possible outcome; living with a sense of impending doom. 

12- All or Nothing- we think in extremes. Things are either good or bad; there is no middle ground.

13- Ruminating- Repetitive thinking about situations or life events that are upsetting.

14- Blaming- Putting blame on ourselves or others for one's pain.

15- Personalization- Believing that everything others say and do is somehow directly related to us.

Managing our troubling thoughts:

It is clear that these thoughts are not useful nor helpful in one's life. Consistently getting into these distressing thinking patterns, and staying there, doesn't help us see the bigger picture in life. In fact, it limits our perspective of self and others and keeps us from seeing what is and how things really are.

Let's put first things first: Identify your thought patterns. Awareness is always the first step towards change. By naming your thought patterns, you can regain a realistic perspective.
Don't get hung up trying to eliminate unwanted thoughts. Instead, focus on recognizing when you are thinking and speaking negatively, catch yourself, and STOP, then REFRAME each thought as quickly as possible. Replace unpleasant thoughts with positive ones. Come up with short phrases like affirmations or quotes that are self-supporting to help you step back and get some distance from upsetting thoughts. You might also want to try distracting yourself from these uncomfortable thoughts. There is a saying, "bring the body, and the mind will follow" which simply means, move and change the behavior to get back on track. Positive movement can lead to positive thinking.
The name of the game is: Interrupt the pattern again, and again.
Get in the habit of questioning the validity of these thoughts and noticing the link between your thoughts and how you feel.

It may help to remember, you are the one doing the thinking and therefore, you are the one who can change it. If not you, then who? Once you realize this, you can choose to engage or disengage from certain thoughts that are upsetting you and decide what to do next. In other words, ask yourself how you want to proceed.

Our thoughts are just that, thoughts that are not necessarily accurate. We give them their force and we can take it away by simply acknowledging their presence and saying something along the lines of "here I go again or there's another one." Observe your thoughts, choose not to engage with them, then let the clouds of thoughts pass through.

My personal favorite strategy is the title of a book by Paul Arden, "Whatever You Think, Think the Opposite." This title works wonders for me.

So the next time unhelpful thoughts enter your mind...

Stop to Say, "here I go again"... name the thought pattern, and as quickly as you can, switch to "here's the alternative..."

Examples of helpful alternatives:

1- Focus on what could go right instead of what could go wrong.

2- Stop competing against others and start connecting with them.

3- This too, shall pass.

4- See what is in front of you and not just what's in your head.

5- It's not a bad life, just a bad day.

6- Sometimes the best reaction is no reaction.

7- Laugh at yourself.

8- Choose peace rather than needing to be right all the time.

9- The past is past, what's real is right here, right now.

10- It's not the power of the past, it's the power I give to it.

11- I am devastated, but not destroyed.

12- Feelings are not facts.

13- Beating myself up never works.

14- Mistakes are part of being human.

15- It's ok, the sky's not falling.

16- I need to get out of my own way and not take things too seriously.

17- Misery is optional.

18- I don't need to be perfect to be accepted.

19- Praise yourself.

20- I'm thinking too much about life, rather than living it.

You may discover some of these wise sayings work for you, however, consider coming up with some of your own. New ways of thinking takes work and effort, but with practice we can learn to calm the mind, improve our mood and quiet our fears.

When you find yourself going there again, remember not to stay too long or else life will pass you by.

                                             And I've made up my mind I ain't
                                                   wasting no more time.

                                                           - Whitesnake "Here I Go Again"


Resource:
www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/UnhelpfulThinkingHabitsWithAlternatives.pdf

Thank you for reading!

Everyday Healing Spaces

"Healing requires from us to stop struggling, but to enjoy life more and endure it less."
                                                                                                       - Darina Stoyanova

Pain is part of life, but so is healing. Even though we are all wounded, I believe there is a part within us that has a wish for healing. While there are many ways to heal, all healing begins with these three powerful words: want, can, and will.
The road to health is paved when we want to heal, believe we can and that we will.

Once you make the decision to do what you can do to heal yourself, give your attention to what is, right here, right now. This is where you will find your everyday healing spaces.

I must emphasize that your decision to let yourself experience healing will probably be one of the most important decisions you make in your lifetime. It is a decision that you must be willing to make daily, many times over as anyone with substantial recovery will tell you.

The good news is that Everyday Healing Places are all around us. They are available to all; however, keep in mind their powerful effect on us may be more gradual than instantaneous. Healing does not happen right away for any of us. There is only day by day, bit by bit and for this reason it is referred to as a process. Be patient, show self-compassion, and do not give up.

Now you may be wondering what and where are these Healing Spaces? Well, let me explain how this works.

Healing Spaces are the places that make you feel good, happy, and gives you a sense of belonging and safety. It consists of places that bring you comfort, people that nurture love and acceptance, and activities that support growth and nourish your spirit. It is important that you actively seek the people, places and things that inspire you and help you heal. Most of all, do what feels right for you.

I like to think of healing spaces as providing us with the opportunity to connect with ourselves in ways that are naturally therapeutic. What a wonderful gift this is.

Healing requires that we take charge of our well-being. So of course, once you find your personal healing spaces, go there often and make this an integral part of your self-care plan.

Remember, it is up to you to seek and find the spaces that bring joy, peace, and happiness.

I share with you some of the healing spaces that work for me:
- Quite places
- Watching the sunrise/sunset
- Walking paths, labyrinths and playgrounds
- Gardens, nature trails and sounds of nature
- Spa, bookstores, cafes, parks, listening to music, reading
- The gym, long showers and baths
- Spending time with my four-legged darling
- Being in the presence of family and friends
- The arts- cinema, museums, shows, dance performances
- Watching a candle burning
- Anyplace by the ocean
- The sanctuary of my home and office

I hope that you too can comfort yourself in ways that are both useful and helpful. May you discover what warms your heart, helps you to cry, laugh, and replenish. To be restored to health is one of the greatest experiences one can have.

May you find your spaces and places.

Cheers!