Pain is Inevitable; Suffering is a Choice

Hi,

As I see it...

The choices we make dictate the quality of life we lead. This is true for how we manage emotional pain and the extent to which we allow the pain in our lives to turn into a problem of suffering.

All pain is inevitable. Whether it's physical, emotional or mental, pain has a way of coming back time and time again. We all experience pain and it always hurts. This just means, we are human and can feel.

We must accept the fact that we will have our share of pain at different times, in different ways, for different reasons. As you may know, pain comes in many forms, but what I am referring to relates to the natural occurrences of living. It is the pain that comes from abrupt changes in life areas. Whether it is loss of health, job, love, home, friendships, or loved ones, the end result can be one of heartbreak.

None of us like to experience pain, but the simple truth is that pain can serve us well. Pain is how the body communicates with us to let us know that something is wrong and needs attention. Pain can motivate us to change and lead us to health. It can teach us important lessons about ourselves and of course it's important to know that feeling our pain allows us to heal from it. There is no question that pain can benefit us, but we must be careful not to dwell on it for too long. Here's why: Holding on to pain causes our suffering.

Experiencing pain vs. Suffering with pain

Whereas pain cannot be avoided, suffering is a choice. It is possible for us to experience pain without suffering. This is always an option.

If you are suffering, know that there is relief. We can overcome suffering, but first we must want to let go of our pain.

Perhaps the Buddhist community explains it best, "...pain is what the world does to you, suffering is what you do to yourself."
Wow! What a profound statement.

Indeed, life and pain can sometimes become intimate partners. Pain comes. Pain leaves. Pain returns. However, we get to choose whether it turns into suffering or if we give it space and time and let it pass. What we do with the pain and how we choose to deal with it is an individual matter.

If you are hurting right now, it is important that you know two things: Suffering can be separate from pain and how you respond in a given situation will determine, to a great extent, whether you suffer or not.

When pain becomes suffering

"Suffering is attaching a story to a painful experience. And then telling the story a million times." - Tanya Radic

Suffering is a self-generated story that we tell about our pain. All too often, it's a story that we use to define who we are. Our suffering is a direct result and consequence of the meaning and interpretation we give to situations, events or circumstances in our lives. Our internal dialogue drives our emotional reactions. The story usually reveals what we really think and how we see ourselves.

When we suffer, the pain has become deeply embedded within our being. Often, a sufferer sees life mainly from the perspective of their suffering. In other words, it is what they think, see, feel and live by. Suffering is created and maintained by our way of thinking. We must never forget that the way we think, the emotions we feel and the story we tell become our life experiences. Therefore the only way to stop suffering is to change the story. We must be willing to reframe the story that we tell about our pain. There is no other way.

Another way of understanding suffering is to think about the phrase, "Add salt to the wound" which, as you can imagine, would hurt immensely. Well, suffering can be the salt that is added and rubbed to an open wound (pain) that already hurts. Our suffering serves to aggravate an already painful situation. Pain hurts and suffering only makes it worse and much more challenging for us to work through the pain that we have.
                                            
At its most basic core, suffering is holding on to pain far beyond its ability to benefit us. The choice to tell the story of pain many times over shows that we are not ready to let it go. And although there is therapeutic value in telling our story of pain, we must be willing at some point in our healing journey to let it pass if we are to continue to learn and grow from it.

How we perpetuate suffering

"People suffer because they are caught in their views. As soon as we release those views, we are free and don't suffer anymore." - Thich Nhat Hanh

Our views can either keep our pain close to us or send it away.

Quite often we perpetuate our pain by holding it close and replaying our hurts over and over again in our minds.

Here's what you need to know: When we hold on to pain, avoid, struggle, fight, hide or runaway from it, the consequence of this is always suffering.

When we ignore pain through avoidance, we don't learn important lessons and we repeat the actions that create suffering.

Denying and/or minimizing pain serves to block self-awareness and keeps our suffering intact.

When we are rejecting, dismissive or self-critical of the pain we carry, we actually prolong our suffering. Remember: What we resist, will persist. Pain cannot be avoided. It demands our attention.  Examples of rejecting pain are: "I have no reason to feel the way I do." "Why me?" "It isn't fair!"

Clinging to the past and longing for things to be other than what they are is a definite source of suffering. Keeping the past alive in the present, makes us active players in our suffering.

Mental preoccupation and ruminating on pain is what I refer to as running with our pain. We exert energy elaborating, obsessing and replaying it in our mind. This only serves to magnify the negative aspects of our story and keep us in misery. Our thoughts have the capacity to make us feel better or worse depending on what we choose to focus on.

There is also running away from pain because we are convinced that we can't handle it. We tell ourselves, "This will destroy me. This is too much." Running away from things that are unpleasant leads to suffering.

We all have the capacity to turn our pain into suffering. The good news is that we have a choice in the matter.

Suggestions on managing pain

"Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have-life itself." -Walter Anderson

Look directly at what is actually happening; face it. Accept what is now a part of your life. Handle it and then move on; Learn to let it go.

Consider the viewpoint that everything is an experience.

Make the decision that you want to let go of the pain.

Realize that pain is only part of your life experience. You are far more than just your pain. Your life does not have to be defined by pain.

Get into the habit of valuing the present moment, not taking anything for granted and you will be better prepared to take the good with the bad as it comes.

Appreciate the people and things you have, but don't cling tightly to anyone or anything. Understand the nature of change.

In times of your greatest pain, have your friends, children or family near you; they will want to help, so let them.

Step back from the situation. Seek to understand what you feel and what is actually causing you pain. Believe it or not, FEAR is never to far behind.

Look at the big picture so you can start to heal.

Take breaks from the pain by doing the things that make you feel better. Positive distractions strengthen us so that we are better able to manage the pain when we return to it.

Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. We all have negative thoughts, but we decide whether to reject them or dwell on them.

Feel what you need to feel. Don't block, deny or bury your pain. It's important to find healthy ways to release it.

Choose to go from defending to coping with life and you will be on your way to managing the realities of life.

In conclusion

I leave you with the following passage to give you hope and strength when facing pain or suffering.

                                        Like a golden beacon signaling
                                        on a moonless night,
                                        Tao guides our passage through this
                                        transitory realm.
                                        In moments of darkness and pain
                                        remember all is cyclical.
                                        Sit quietly behind; your wooden
                                        door:
                                        Spring will come again.
                                                                      -Loy Ching Yuen

Enjoy!

Related Website

http://buddhistsangha.tripod.com/noblepath2.htm