The Whole You

        "The irony is that we attempt to disown our difficult stories to appear more whole or more acceptable, but our wholeness- even our wholeheartedness- actually depends on the integration of all of our experiences, including the falls." - Brene Brown

The quote reflects the idea that what makes us whole is honoring the full story which depends on the integration of all of our experiences, even the painful and difficult ones.

When we ignore, hide, or refuse to acknowledge our difficult stories for the sake of something or someone, in order to gain acceptance, or because of fear of judgment and shame, we disown important parts of ourselves.

Discounting or disowning our thoughts, feelings, personality flaws, including our mistakes and failures, often creates the need to keep running from ourselves. The price we pay is a disconnected, detached, and dissatisfied relationship with ourselves, rather than a strong, positive, and balanced sense of who we are. 

The alternative to a disconnection from self is to stay present and accept the value in all our lived experiences, both good and bad. They shape who we are, and neither should be ignored. Your entire personal history, when faced through honest reflection, can lead to processing and incorporating your difficult stories into the larger narrative of your life in a way that brings about emotional maturity and stability. 

When you think about integration and wholeness in your own life, understand that both are lifelong, continuous journeys. Neither is a destination, but rather a flowing process of revisiting and reworking inner struggles to release painful emotions that hold us back. 

Whereas integration is about putting all the pieces of your life experience together to form a more complete picture of who you are, wholeness is a state of self-acceptance, self-awareness, and self-understanding that leads to a sense of being okay with yourself. 

Integration comes first, then wholeness. 

Moving toward psychological well-being through integration allows for a deeper understanding and awareness of ourselves in terms of who and where we are in life. The result is a more honest existence, both internally and externally. By choosing to be more genuine, we begin to notice a shift in our perspective, from showing only the parts of ourselves we like to presenting a more authentic self, with all its strengths, flaws, struggles and vulnerabilities. Staying true to yourself involves aligning your behaviors with this new awareness. Many, if not most, people find that consistently living by one's values can be quite challenging, requiring a commitment to practice and self-awareness. Still, the payoff is well worth it if the goal is to reduce internal struggle and feel at peace with yourself.   

Being open to self-kindness, self-acceptance, and understanding of all parts of yourself, both positive and negative, offers the opportunity to nurture the whole you. 

The irony is that when we face and accept the parts of ourselves we dislike, something quite remarkable happens: choosing to see them, expose them, and give them your attention changes the way we relate to them. They stop being things we fear, hate or feel shame about. Choosing to let go of the negative self-judgment we carry creates a path toward acceptance of what is, which means embracing your entire reality, including painful or difficult parts. From this perspective, you are working with reality, not against it. You work with your inner wounds rather than resisting or fighting them, for the benefit of improved wellness. 

Personal therapy is an effective approach that can help facilitate the integration of these difficult experiences, but it is by no means the only path to emotional recovery. Creative practices and activities such as journaling, drawing, painting, music, dance movement, yoga, walking meditation, mindfulness, and the emotional freedom technique, (EFT) tapping, to name just a few, can also support this process.

As you face and deal with past events, feelings and imperfections, you begin to create new understanding and meaning of what happened and you absorb the lessons learned without the same level of emotional intensity as before. The end result is a more balanced view of yourself and your life. Integrating our emotionally charged experiences helps us reframe and transform suffering into meaningful parts of our life story, allowing us to move forward with a deeper connection to self.

There is no question that integration offers an opportunity to better understand yourself by connecting present behaviors to past experiences, recognizing present triggers rooted in past history, and exploring ways to better navigate future challenges. It is important not to lose sight how the past is present.

We all carry inner wounds.  And even though pain is unavoidable, we can find ourselves through pain. No matter one's life story, there is within us a will toward health. It is up to each of us to proactively look at the totality of our life experiences to achieve emotional well-being. Learning to live with all of it is key to health. 

We cannot change the past, but we can integrate it to discover The Whole You.

Thank you for reading :)

  

  

  

  

The Paradox of Change

        "The Curious Paradox is That When I Accept Myself Just as I am, then I Change."
                                                             -Carl Rogers

The paradox of change is that it begins with acceptance of what is. It may sound counterintuitive, but true. 

Accepting yourself as you are, is how you start to change. Yes, you can accept yourself and still be open to change. 

Let's look at how two seemingly opposite ideas could be aligned and hold true.

We begin by reflecting on what self-acceptance is and is not.

Self-acceptance relates to how you respond to yourself- your thoughts, feelings and experiences. It is about having a healthy sense of self-worth despite perceived personal flaws, struggles or failures. Your inner conversations, also known as self-talk, can reveal your relationship with yourself and your behaviors. This mental chatter heavily influences how you feel and how you act. Be mindful of your opinion of yourself. It matters.

When we practice self-acceptance, we are accepting ourselves at the current moment with an understanding that for this time, this is true for you. We see ourselves as still learning and being ok about making mistakes. 

Accepting yourself as you are means being self-aware without the psychological stress to think, feel or be different, while understanding the need for change. Acknowledging where you are today without a negative self-focus is the first step to change. This often results in replacing a judgmental statement like "I will be good enough once I change" with a more neutral statement like " I have worth and value despite any imperfection."

You have a choice in every moment to change course, to think, feel and do something different at any time. You can choose differently today when you acknowledge what is happening now, where you are right now (mentally, emotionally and behaviorally) and pause to ask yourself, "How is that working out for me?" Is it helping or harming? The pause can help you regain control so that you can decide what to do next. You can also use the popular phrase, "It is what it is," right now.  What can I do going forward? These are just a few helpful ways we can make a mental shift and create a new experience for ourselves. 

Self-acceptance is an invitation to work with, not against what is and start from there without judgment. Seeing what we have to work with, not just what we lack, strengthens our ability to believe in ourselves and to see change as doable. It is an opportunity to develop a mature relationship with yourself, your behaviors and a more realistic response to life that includes hope. This process can lay the groundwork for positive change. 

There is a misguided belief by some, that self-acceptance is complacency. It is not.

Self-acceptance doesn't mean you stop working on personal goals and remain as you are. It does not mean you don't want to improve your mental health, nor does it give you an excuse to overlook negative thinking and self-defeating behavioral patterns.  

Instead, it is about ending the internal struggle with yourself.

The more you struggle with a negative self-perception the harder it is to make the change you desire. When someone has a poor self-concept about themselves, it often has its roots on their personal history and the story they tell about who they are. It is important to understand what has happened to you does not make you less worthy.

When you continually approach yourself with negative statements about who you are and where you are in life, you become vulnerable to certain emotional states that may include, unhappiness, disappointment, guilt, regret, self-blame, and comparisons to others, to name just a few. These intense emotions keep you stuck on why me, what is wrong and why am I not this or that mindset. 

Beating yourself up mentally does not work. You will lose every time. Attempting to make a change while already feeling emotionally drained often leads to going further down a rabbit hole. In other words, negativity begets negativity. 

It is exhausting to live with dissatisfaction and discontent about who you are, again and again. Prolonged negative thinking can cloud judgment and make it difficult to see that what we focus on is a choice.

Self-acceptance on the other hand quiets down the critical inner voice and allows you to see that your value goes beyond your struggles and what is going on around you.

Striking a balance between what you desire to change while focusing on your strengths and inner resources to give you something to build from sets the stage for true change. 

Self-acceptance is a learned skill that can be developed from a willingness and openness to have a healthier relationship with yourself. The next time you're struggling, try to remember, first, comes acceptance, then comes change.

It is in my opinion, a better path forward.

Thank you for reading :)

  

 

What is Hope?

                           
Hope is the thing with feathers
                                               
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

                   -Emily Dickinson

In this poem, Hope is metaphorically presented in the image of a little bird, characterized as being steady and unwavering. The tenacity of hope never stops singing its tune. Hope, for Dickinson, can weather the storm, see us through in the most difficult of times. 

Hope has wings, always ready to lift us with its strength. 

It lives inside you, always there; its presence can be heard and felt. Hope gives, never takes from us and the best part of all, it's available to all.

I've come to understand hope as essential to living. For me, connecting with hope is a necessity to my wellbeing; it plays a huge part in how I navigate life's uncertainties and unpredictability. 

I'm referring to a certain form of hope and expanding on the dictionary definition offered by Merriam-Webster: To expect with confidence, trust. 

A feeling of trust. But also, so much more.

My own thoughts on hope.

It is an inner knowing; not to be confused with optimism as they are not one in the same. Hope, as I see it, runs much deeper than thinking positively.

It's knowing that true hope comes from within and relying on intrinsic wisdom to serve as your guide. Believing and expecting you will find a way through life's challenges is the key to hope. 

My hope is not that things will change, but that I will, in time. 

To have hope, then, is to place our trust on the possibility of gaining new perspective, recognizing there are real options to choose from and making new choices. In this regard, hope is a choice. 

We choose how to respond to whatever life throws our way. The meaning we make from our suffering, whether past or present, is always a choice.

Real hope is looking at the pain and struggles of day-to-day life and accepting the possibility that how we think and feel today may be different tomorrow. 

In all our personal life stories, there is a beginning, middle and end. The end, however, is open to interpretation; open-ended, if you will. We can return again and again to adjust our perspective with new learning and understanding. This is a good thing.   

Another good thing is knowing that how we start out is not necessarily how we come out. For instance, hope isn't always the first thing I turn to, it's fear. But hope, is what I always return to. 

The middle is the way we cope with the reality of the present; the way we open to life or protect ourselves from it when it becomes too painful. If we choose to face our circumstances, I believe, each of us has the capacity to push through no matter your life situation and regain hope in ourselves.

After moments of fear, doubt, and denial, hope is what remains when the reality is not a great one. It serves as a resource, a strength, and a positive coping approach to help us tackle life's difficulties and come out stronger.

In many respects, hope involves having awareness that how you think, and what you do can influence how you feel, and this realization will help you see that you have some control over any set of circumstances. 

When you change how you view external circumstances, you change how you feel about it. This is a reason to hope.

However, keep in mind, hope, like change is not linear. There are twists and turns and plateaus. All of this can be really hard. Struggles with hope are not a sign of weakness; more often than not, they serve as a guide to reconnect with self. Be willing to do the work and be patient with yourself.

May you approach life with hope.

Thank you for reading!

                                               
                                            

                                                    

                                                  

"Hope for a Better Past"

 

I recently read, A Matter of Death and Life by Irvin D. Yalom and Marilyn Yalom. It is a deeply moving story touched by love, grief and loss. In one of the chapters, Dr. Yalom, makes reference to a popular maxim, "You Must Give Up the Hope for a Better Past." 

I couldn't help but think of how many of us replay the story of our past, get stuck there with a yearning hope that the past could have been different. 

This hope for a better past is a theme that plays out and runs deep in the course of therapy. For sure, the past is very important. It is, after all, what's brought us to this point, right here, right now. The past contains all the experiences we have had, all we have done and gone through. It has value because it happened and for this reason, remembering and retelling it can have a deeply cathartic impact on us. But we have to be careful that in remembering the past, we are not living it in the present. 

If you're still holding on to the hope for a better past, chances are you are stuck in your story. Chances are the story of your past is replaying in the present, and more likely than not, you are repeating the suffering but not working through it.

There's another way, however, to relate to the past.

What if instead of the hope for a better past, we honor it and work on accepting the past as past?

We can begin this process by giving credit where credit is due. Consider new ways of looking at the same old story. If you are going to use your past to explain your present troubles, give voice to the strengths, not just the struggles. Focusing on the hurt and pain is only part of it. The strengths and knowledge gained from these experiences is the other part.

 All of our life experiences have shaped the person we are today. But nothing is set in stone. We are all evolving and everything changes. Holding on to the hope for a better past is denying this truth and does not serve anyone in the long run.

For those who are looking to change personal life patterns consider this simple rule: acknowledge the good in you, build from that and keep reinforcing it in your present. Change will follow.

Although, the past is embedded in our memory, remember, it is past and cannot be undone. The best you can do with the past is respect it. It happened. You lived it. You survived it all. Now honor it because past experiences for good or ill can teach us how to live and be a better person.   

Another very important thing to do is to mourn the past. Mourn what you had, the things you missed out on and what you lost. This process will help you to get unstuck and move with all the parts of your life. Something we all deserve.

Our personal history and the stories that make us matter greatly for they have contributed to the person we are today, however, the extent of its influence on you, your actions, your life will ultimately depend on you.

You may choose to stay with the familiar and not give up the hope for a better past. If so, is it worth it?  Is it worth giving so much of your time and energy to the past and losing sight of your life today? 

I hope you consider the alternative: accepting where you are today while valuing the past for what it has given you- an improved and imperfect you. 

Thank you for reading!

 

 

 

 

 

Give Yourself Permission to Change Your Mind

       Each of us has the power to enter a new world. All we have to do is change our mind.

                                               Matt Haig, The Comfort Book

We forget, we are allowed to change our minds. Sometimes, we forget that we can. 

"The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any," said Alice Walker.  Remind yourself of that.

We all have access to this internal power. It is the inner strength of your mind, heart and spirit working together for your good. But this inner fuel needs a way out to work effectively in our lives. This release if you will, comes about in the form of a change of mind. 

Change your mind and enter a new world, aka perspective.

When we're experiencing emotional distress, the way to move that pain ultimately involves making a choice to be open enough to consider a change of mind. Only we can give ourselves permission to change the things that do not serve us. It is one's own choice. We begin here and go from there.

In my view, we can learn to see things in a new way; redefine what we know and believe about ourselves. We can choose new choices over the same old familiar ones. We can make different choices, based on what we've learned and know today. This is something I believe entirely.

What's holding you back?

Perhaps it's fear. Fear of change and the uncertainty that comes along with it. As stated earlier, we can choose new choices but not outcomes. 

You may be sticking with the sameness of life to avoid pain at the cost of feeling joy. 

Perhaps you're continuing a behavior because of the time, effort and energy you have invested.

You may be seeing your life through the lens of fear, rather than truth.

You don't trust what you know, sense and feel. The reality, however, is that we get into troubled waters when we trust others more than we trust ourselves to know what is right for us.

You are terrified of feeling the uncomfortable emotions like guilt, anxiety, anger, sadness, fear, loneliness, and so forth. So, what do you do instead? Engage in avoidant coping.

No doubt, change is scary, but consider the cost over time of not being happy with your choices and things remaining the same. Which is scarier?

Freeing yourself to experience more of life.

Consider the path you have chosen and ask yourself, how's that working?

Take yourself into account and get in the habit of acknowledging yourself, your life, and your reality. 

Whatever feels right to you, that's the thing to do.  

Live more in the present, be aware of your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations. Welcome all, including the undesired ones, with trust and acceptance, knowing that all are just passing through. Continue moving with your life in a way that is aligned with your core values. This acceptance of what you are experiencing internally and acting on what you value rather than what you fear, is defined as psychological flexibility. Believe me, it works wonders in helping us move on to a different place. 

Some final words of encouragement.

We all struggle in closing the gap between what we know to be true for us and how we act. 

Be patient. Stay open. Value yourself more. Trust what you know in your mind, heart and soul.

Stop limiting your choices.

Remember, life is about what you do but also about what you don't do. 

If you're not happy with your choices, ask yourself: What would happen if you gave yourself permission to change your mind?

Thank you for reading!

  

 

                                   

A Guarantee of Outcome

          
Whether it is in love, work, or life in general, we may desire change, but because we don't know how it will turn out, we choose to not take action.

The fear of an uncertain outcome is very common and is often at the root of what holds us back from doing the things we say we want to do.

A guarantee of outcome is what many of us think we need before we can move towards our heart's desires. While there are many different ways this belief creates our reality, I will share just a few examples where I see its' influence in our lives: when it comes to committing to love, connecting with others, ending relationships and starting new ones, pursuing our dreams, changing jobs, or just trying something new. 

As a therapist, I see this fear replaying over and over again with so many people. They want the guarantee...the sure thing, a certain outcome, an assurance before making a move. Basically, they hold out for a guarantee that does not exist. And by doing so, miss out on creating the life they really want.

Having such an outlook on life can give you a sense that life is passing you by. 

But what if you're the one who has been passing up on life's possibilities by continually seeing them as not good enough?

Why do we do this to ourselves?

Fear. 

We are afraid of going through pain, disappointment, and disillusionment. We are afraid that things may go horribly wrong, and then what? So, we choose not to go with the possibilities. Instead, we wait for the guarantee. We choose safe and familiar over change and uncertainty.

Fear is the driving force behind the need for a guaranteed outcome, and it manifests in our lives in the form of self-protection. The problem here, is in becoming too guarded and thereby limiting our choices.

The more we self-protect from life's uncertainties, the less inclined we are to try something that involves taking risks. 

What is the alternative?

A different perspective about Yourself.

Life is uncertain. Unpredictable. Always changing.  However, there is a way to live your best life possible knowing there are no guarantees at all. It all comes down to this: Trusting Yourself.

Trusting that you won't abandon yourself in your time of need. That, no matter what happens, you can count on yourself to face any situation. It's having a deep sense of faith about your ability to care for yourself knowing that within you there is a determined spirit to survive.

In the end, it's about betting on yourself rather than on a certain outcome. You are the sure thing and trusting that is an absolute necessity for a fulfilled life.

For many, this is a learning process, and that's okay. 

I hope you feel inspired to trust yourself more and be blown away by what you see!

Thank you for reading.

 

Look to This Day

 

Look to this day
For it is life,
The very life of life.
In its brief course lie all
The realities and verities of existence,
The bliss of growth,
The splendor of action,
The glory of power-

For yesterday is but a dream,
And tomorrow is only a vision,
But today, well lived,
Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.

                                 -Sanskrit Proverb

I read this poem every day as part of my morning ritual to remember my real life is happening today.

The message is quite simple: life is in the here and now moments.

The more I remind myself of this, the more I believe it, and the more I live it. 

We have a choice about what to focus on and how we are going to live. I choose Now. This perspective has made it easier for me to give priority to what is important and meaningful in my life. 

Today is the day to focus on. There is no other time more real than the here and now. You can think about the past, the future, or both, but you live now, the present moment. 

You can examine your past to learn from it; transform pain and heal old wounds, just don't stay there. You can look to the future, to plan and commit to what's important for you, but again, don't stay there. Come back to the moment. Being here, now, is where your life is happening. Don't miss out on it.

Staying focused in the present is the best strategy I know to help you worry less about what happened in the past and fear less what might happen in the future. If your attention is on today, life becomes more manageable and you will see that for today you are able to be with things as they are. 

You will inevitably have setbacks and challenges, but what matters most is how willing you are to come back to the moment. When we let past hurts or current and future concerns dominate our present, we allow depressive and anxious thoughts back in. 

Change can only happen in the present, and this is the only time we have any control over. 

What does it take to keep our attention on the here and now? Willingness to learn. Openness to try. Then do it. Practice: frequently (often), regularly (daily), and intensely (strong effort). 

Practice looking at "what is" not "what if." If you get stuck on the what ifs, tell yourself you will face whatever happens and get through it. You can also keep it simple and state the truth: these are just thoughts, not facts. Your mind is engaging in habitual behavior. That's all it is. These basic tools work to bring us closer to something we all want- peace of mind.

Accepting the moment as it is, invites inner-peace and clarity and allows us to see our path much clearer. Awareness with deeper understanding will begin to emerge, making the possibility of change a reality.  

Look to this day, for it is life, the very life of life!

Source: 
The original source is generally attributed to kalidasa, an Indian Sanskrit poet and playwright during the 4th-5th Century A.D.

The poem is widely available on the web with slight variations.

Thank you for reading.