"The Curious Paradox is That When I Accept Myself Just as I am, then I Change."
-Carl Rogers
The paradox of change is that it begins with acceptance of what is. It may sound counterintuitive, but true.
Accepting yourself as you are, is how you start to change. Yes, you can accept yourself and still be open to change.
Let's look at how two seemingly opposite ideas could be aligned and hold true.
We begin by reflecting on what self-acceptance is and is not.
Self-acceptance relates to how you respond to yourself- your thoughts, feelings and experiences. It is about having a healthy sense of self-worth despite perceived personal flaws, struggles or failures. Your inner conversations, also known as self-talk, can reveal your relationship with yourself and your behaviors. This mental chatter heavily influences how you feel and how you act. Be mindful of your opinion of yourself. It matters.
When we practice self-acceptance, we are accepting ourselves at the current moment with an understanding that for this time, this is true for you. We see ourselves as still learning and being ok about making mistakes.
Accepting yourself as you are means being self-aware without the psychological stress to think, feel or be different, while understanding the need for change. Acknowledging where you are today without a negative self-focus is the first step to change. This often results in replacing a judgmental statement like "I will be good enough once I change" with a more neutral statement like " I have worth and value despite any imperfection."
You have a choice in every moment to change course, to think, feel and do something different at any time. You can choose differently today when you acknowledge what is happening now, where you are right now (mentally, emotionally and behaviorally) and pause to ask yourself, "How is that working out for me?" Is it helping or harming? The pause can help you regain control so that you can decide what to do next. You can also use the popular phrase, "It is what it is," right now. What can I do going forward? These are just a few helpful ways we can make a mental shift and create a new experience for ourselves.
Self-acceptance is an invitation to work with, not against what is and start from there without judgment. Seeing what we have to work with, not just what we lack, strengthens our ability to believe in ourselves and to see change as doable. It is an opportunity to develop a mature relationship with yourself, your behaviors and a more realistic response to life that includes hope. This process can lay the groundwork for positive change.
There is a misguided belief by some, that self-acceptance is complacency. It is not.
Self-acceptance doesn't mean you stop working on personal goals and remain as you are. It does not mean you don't want to improve your mental health, nor does it give you an excuse to overlook negative thinking and self-defeating behavioral patterns.
Instead, it is about ending the internal struggle with yourself.
The more you struggle with a negative self-perception the harder it is to make the change you desire. When someone has a poor self-concept about themselves, it often has its roots on their personal history and the story they tell about who they are. It is important to understand what has happened to you does not make you less worthy.
When you continually approach yourself with negative statements about who you are and where you are in life, you become vulnerable to certain emotional states that may include, unhappiness, disappointment, guilt, regret, self-blame, and comparisons to others, to name just a few. These intense emotions keep you stuck on why me, what is wrong and why am I not this or that mindset.
Beating yourself up mentally does not work. You will lose every time. Attempting to make a change while already feeling emotionally drained often leads to going further down a rabbit hole. In other words, negativity begets negativity.
It is exhausting to live with dissatisfaction and discontent about who you are, again and again. Prolonged negative thinking can cloud judgment and make it difficult to see that what we focus on is a choice.
Self-acceptance on the other hand quiets down the critical inner voice and allows you to see that your value goes beyond your struggles and what is going on around you.
Striking a balance between what you desire to change while focusing on your strengths and inner resources to give you something to build from sets the stage for true change.
Self-acceptance is a learned skill that can be developed from a willingness and openness to have a healthier relationship with yourself. The next time you're struggling, try to remember, first, comes acceptance, then comes change.
It is in my opinion, a better path forward.
Thank you for reading :)
