"Hope for a Better Past"

 

I recently read, A Matter of Death and Life by Irvin D. Yalom and Marilyn Yalom. It is a deeply moving story touched by love, grief and loss. In one of the chapters, Dr. Yalom, makes reference to a popular maxim, "You Must Give Up the Hope for a Better Past." 

I couldn't help but think of how many of us replay the story of our past, get stuck there with a yearning hope that the past could have been different. 

This hope for a better past is a theme that plays out and runs deep in the course of therapy. For sure, the past is very important. It is, after all, what's brought us to this point, right here, right now. The past contains all the experiences we have had, all we have done and gone through. It has value because it happened and for this reason, remembering and retelling it can have a deeply cathartic impact on us. But we have to be careful that in remembering the past, we are not living it in the present. 

If you're still holding on to the hope for a better past, chances are you are stuck in your story. Chances are the story of your past is replaying in the present, and more likely than not, you are repeating the suffering but not working through it.

There's another way, however, to relate to the past.

What if instead of the hope for a better past, we honor it and work on accepting the past as past?

We can begin this process by giving credit where credit is due. Consider new ways of looking at the same old story. If you are going to use your past to explain your present troubles, give voice to the strengths, not just the struggles. Focusing on the hurt and pain is only part of it. The strengths and knowledge gained from these experiences is the other part.

 All of our life experiences have shaped the person we are today. But nothing is set in stone. We are all evolving and everything changes. Holding on to the hope for a better past is denying this truth and does not serve anyone in the long run.

For those who are looking to change personal life patterns consider this simple rule: acknowledge the good in you, build from that and keep reinforcing it in your present. Change will follow.

Although, the past is embedded in our memory, remember, it is past and cannot be undone. The best you can do with the past is respect it. It happened. You lived it. You survived it all. Now honor it because past experiences for good or ill can teach us how to live and be a better person.   

Another very important thing to do is to mourn the past. Mourn what you had, the things you missed out on and what you lost. This process will help you to get unstuck and move with all the parts of your life. Something we all deserve.

Our personal history and the stories that make us matter greatly for they have contributed to the person we are today, however, the extent of its influence on you, your actions, your life will ultimately depend on you.

You may choose to stay with the familiar and not give up the hope for a better past. If so, is it worth it?  Is it worth giving so much of your time and energy to the past and losing sight of your life today? 

I hope you consider the alternative: accepting where you are today while valuing the past for what it has given you- an improved and imperfect you. 

Thank you for reading!

 

 

 

 

 

Give Yourself Permission to Change Your Mind

       Each of us has the power to enter a new world. All we have to do is change our mind.

                                               Matt Haig, The Comfort Book

We forget, we are allowed to change our minds. Sometimes, we forget that we can. 

"The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any," said Alice Walker.  Remind yourself of that.

We all have access to this internal power. It is the inner strength of your mind, heart and spirit working together for your good. But this inner fuel needs a way out to work effectively in our lives. This release if you will, comes about in the form of a change of mind. 

Change your mind and enter a new world, aka perspective.

When we're experiencing emotional distress, the way to move that pain ultimately involves making a choice to be open enough to consider a change of mind. Only we can give ourselves permission to change the things that do not serve us. It is one's own choice. We begin here and go from there.

In my view, we can learn to see things in a new way; redefine what we know and believe about ourselves. We can choose new choices over the same old familiar ones. We can make different choices, based on what we've learned and know today. This is something I believe entirely.

What's holding you back?

Perhaps it's fear. Fear of change and the uncertainty that comes along with it. As stated earlier, we can choose new choices but not outcomes. 

You may be sticking with the sameness of life to avoid pain at the cost of feeling joy. 

Perhaps you're continuing a behavior because of the time, effort and energy you have invested.

You may be seeing your life through the lens of fear, rather than truth.

You don't trust what you know, sense and feel. The reality, however, is that we get into troubled waters when we trust others more than we trust ourselves to know what is right for us.

You are terrified of feeling the uncomfortable emotions like guilt, anxiety, anger, sadness, fear, loneliness, and so forth. So, what do you do instead? Engage in avoidant coping.

No doubt, change is scary, but consider the cost over time of not being happy with your choices and things remaining the same. Which is scarier?

Freeing yourself to experience more of life.

Consider the path you have chosen and ask yourself, how's that working?

Take yourself into account and get in the habit of acknowledging yourself, your life, and your reality. 

Whatever feels right to you, that's the thing to do.  

Live more in the present, be aware of your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations. Welcome all, including the undesired ones, with trust and acceptance, knowing that all are just passing through. Continue moving with your life in a way that is aligned with your core values. This acceptance of what you are experiencing internally and acting on what you value rather than what you fear, is defined as psychological flexibility. Believe me, it works wonders in helping us move on to a different place. 

Some final words of encouragement.

We all struggle in closing the gap between what we know to be true for us and how we act. 

Be patient. Stay open. Value yourself more. Trust what you know in your mind, heart and soul.

Stop limiting your choices.

Remember, life is about what you do but also about what you don't do. 

If you're not happy with your choices, ask yourself: What would happen if you gave yourself permission to change your mind?

Thank you for reading!