- Marcus Aurelius
"Life, it is thanks to Death that I hold thee so dear."
- Seneca
Memento mori is a Latin phrase that translates to "remember that you will die." A memento mori is a symbolic reminder often presented as a skull to help us remember death is coming.* It serves as a reflection on life and death as well as a practice for living life to the fullest.
It is meant to remind us of three very important things: life, death, and time.
Some years ago, while visiting the Rubin Museum of Art, I came across a t-shirt on display that read, "Remember That You Will Die." I was so struck by how these words came at me and the straight forward manner of referencing death. It was exactly what I was looking for, though I didn't realize it until that very moment. At the time, I was living with ineffable grief over the sudden death of my brother. I had suffered other losses in my life, but none like this one. There were no words to adequately describe my pain and none that brought comfort, until that day. I finally had words to work with and make sense of my new reality.
And so began the shift in my thinking, feeling, and doing in relation to death.
Memento mori lifted my spirit enough that I could live with my grief in peace, and with hope.
The words have become for me a constant reminder of something that is equally as powerful as death and dying: life and living.
There is the potential for a deeper connection with self and others when we talk openly about death. The experience of death touches us all. We know this, yet so often, we'd rather ignore, avoid and not think about it. That is, until we are forced to confront it. Even then, some will opt out and not see how death and dying can give meaning and purpose to life. The experience can help us identify and clarify how it is we want to live.
Let me be clear, I am not saying nor implying that any of this is easy. Death is a hard reality. The death of a loved one is an agonizing process. When it touches us, it hurts like hell. And many of us are never quite the same having gone through it. What I am saying, however, is that the mark left by death does not have to be one of long lasting destruction, brokenness, and despair.
Anything we face, teaches us something.
The reality is, I am going to die. You are going to die. Everyone is going to die. As frightening as this may be, there is a blessing and freedom that comes in accepting this truth.
Remembering that you will die is a blessing if it helps you to consider the greatest truth in life: you are alive. Having this awareness, can help you to be more alive, more human, more vulnerable with yourself.
The freedom is in knowing this truth. Anything we can talk about and understand lessens its grip on us. We are no longer oppressed by it. This is real freedom.
The practice of remembering death, reflecting on it, and talking about it paved the way for me to want to help others in their bereavement. What I have learned in doing this work is that along with pain, so too comes inner strength and the power of love connecting us back to life.
When we embrace death and dying, we embrace life and living.
On a more personal note, I would like to share, that once again I found myself in the throes of grief and loss. My beloved father died on February 4, 2019 at 10:03p.m. To have been a witness to his dying process and eventual death will forever be one of the most meaningful life experiences I have ever had and one that will carry me for the rest of my life.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him. He is in my head, my heart, and part of my entire being. I love him and miss him like crazy. My grief is present, and I honor it by being with it. When it flares up, I am right there alongside it. When it quiets down, I am still aware of its presence. I accept the totality of my grief and because I offer no resistance, I am strengthened, not weakened.
Memento mori and the practice of reflecting on life, death ,and time has come to my rescue time and time again.
I use the phrase as a mantra, a guidepost to bring me back to center and recite the following prayer on a daily basis:
"Let our sleeping soul remember, and be awake and be alive, in contemplation, of how our life passes away, of how our death comes forward to us, so silently. - Jorge Manrique
I find that a simple reminder about 'remembering death' is enough to bring me closer to living the life that I want: one that is based on having a clear perspective on what matters most and giving what's important top priority now, not later. Our time here is a gift, let's not waste it.
The purpose of remembering that you will die, is not to bring up discomfort or fear, but to get us to reflect on how we are living now. This is something we should remember.
Death is inevitable, but we get to decide our beliefs about it. This in turn, will determine how we live with our losses.
It is my belief, that the people I have loved who are no longer part of this physical world, will never really leave me. I think George Eliot, said it best, "Our dead are never dead to us, until we have forgotten them." My father continues on through me; I internalized him long before he died. He has become a part of me and this helps to keep me going.
If you are now living in the space of loss and grief, it is your right to cry, and feel all of your pain as it unfolds. Then release. Then do it all over again, as many times as you need to. This is natural. This is your right. Yes, death is natural; grief is natural and life is meant to be lived fully. We must take all of it- the good and the hard. This is what it means to live life on life's terms.
The reality of death is what allows us to understand and appreciate the reality of life. Think on this.
This blog post is a tribute to my querido papi. Te quiero y nunca te olvidare.
Thank you for reading and may you always value your connection to life, love, and truth.
*Sources:
Dictionary.com
