What is All This About?
Self-doubt. What ifs. Self-sabotage. Self-defeating behaviors. Avoidance. Procrastination. Denial. Inaction. Non-commitment. The 'I don't know' stance. Over-thinking. Yes, but. Anxiety. Worry. Numbing distractions through alcohol, drugs, food and or shopping. Escapism through television, video games, and or sex. Under-functioning. Blaming. Resistance. Living with dissatisfaction. Attracting the wrong partner. Settling for anything less than joy. Excuses. Stress. Rage. Insecurities. Jealousy. Arrogance. Staying in unhappy relationships. Selfishness. Low self-esteem. Pessimism. Negative thinking. Unexpressed grief. Indecisiveness. Controlling. Emotional distance. Unhappiness. Running away from responsibility. Hiding out from life. Excessive busyness. Creating a chaos filled life. Rationalizations. Minimizing. Clutter. Self-harm. Need for perfection. People pleasing. Alive, but not living. Self-sacrificing behaviors. Helplessness. Playing the sick role. Doing work you don't want to do and have no passion for. It's fear, I say.
FEAR is at the heart of it all! The above examples are some of the ways we express fear, and all too often, don't realize it. It is important to know that the fear inside us is always talking to us.
Don't get discouraged, fear can be worked with, but first we must come clean and call it by its right name. We must make up our mind to look and understand the many FACES of FEAR.
What is fear?
An emotion. A survival reaction. It's a natural, built-in defense to protect us from physical and emotional danger. Fear kicks into full gear against real threats and that's what makes this mechanism so indispensable in our lives. Even in our day to day, having some fear can help us to stay alert, active and focused. This of course is a good thing, however, there is another side to fear that we must pay attention to. When left unchecked, fear can hold us back and stop us from living. No, I am not exaggerating. The fear inside us, begins in our mind and rather than motivating us to push forward, its function is to stand in the way of progress. We sometimes create and maintain obstacles that prevent us from making positive life changes. This type of fear response surfaces to keep us "safe" but what it really does, is keep us "stuck." This fear tells us to stop what we're thinking of doing. It puts great distance between ourselves and our deepest wants, needs and desires by keeping us in a distracted state. The more distracted we are from ourselves, the more likely it is to settle for a life we don't want and the more terrified we become about what we might see, say, and do if we push ahead. We can give into fear based living or we can look at the reality of it. The choice is ours.
What fear is not.
We are not weak because we fear. Nothing to feel shame about. It is not an opponent to be defeated. The problem is not fear itself, but in how we work with it. Fear is not something we can get rid of entirely. Fear does not make you flawed, it makes you human.
Fear made stronger.
Fear grows when it stays hidden. We don't look within. Negate. Remain silent. Run from it. Lie to ourselves. Isolate. Call it something else. Take no action. Lack of knowledge. Camouflage it. Pretend that nothing is wrong. When we self-hate. A word of caution on hating your fear. We give power over to anything or anyone we hate. Don't waste your heart on hating. Besides, turning on ourselves only serves to make our fears stick around longer.
Stronger than fear.
Fear diminishes with understanding. Acknowledgment. Awareness. Facing them. Effort. Exposure. Words backed up with action. Love. Support. Truth. Faith. Hope. Quiet mind. Perspective. Acceptance. Change. Courage. Trust. Observation. Focusing on your dreams. Goals. Values. Intuition. Learning from fear. Using knowledge to help you live with fear differently.
We fear to know ourselves.
I know about fear. I certainly have my own and as a therapist, I get to see the fear that is inside and how it plays out in one's life. Here are just a few examples of what we fear most in ourselves: Fear of the unknown. Losing the approval of others. Others seeing us as we see ourselves. Not being accepted for who we are. Losing what we have. Getting what we want. Giving up what's familiar. Growing up. Starting over. Not being loved back. Abandonment. Rejection. Getting hurt. Making mistakes. Being on our own. Being wrong. Our own greatness. Vulnerability.
Work with fear by learning to be with it.
It's okay to be afraid. Fear lives inside us and therefore is a part of us. I think we can agree that we all have fear. Now consider the possibility that fear is not the problem at all and that perhaps the way we relate to fear is the real problem. Perhaps it's all the ways we obscure it, all the distractions and barriers we create to not look at fear that keeps it a strong force in our lives.
Fear doesn't really go away entirely and so expect to be in and out of it all the time. That's a good thing. Remember, fear is there to protect and keep us safe. The best we can do is come out with it, or better yet, come clean with it. Own up to the fear and find helpful ways of addressing it. This is the way you can begin to give attention to the parts of you that need to be healed.
It is important to identify, describe, and seek to understand. Uncover what is behind your fear- it is there for a reason and it's up to you to find out. Ask yourself, "What is this fear about and what does it mean." Keep at it until you are satisfied that you know what is underneath your fear. Get to know your fear.
Engaging the fear.
By talking to your fear, you will learn to relate to it openly and honestly. This close interaction with fear will actually help you to become less afraid. It makes sense, doesn't it? Usually, the closer we are to someone or something, the less afraid we become.
Fear needs our acknowledgment. We need to recognize its presence. The more we resist acknowledging the fear, the more it will persist. That's how it works.
It's important to understand, the idea is not about making the fear go away completely. It is more about talking to it so that it can retreat to the background, allowing us to then take center stage in our own lives. Our aim is not to get rid of fear. We just need the fear to be quiet enough for us to do what we need to do for ourselves.
Keep in mind the fear inside us that is there to protect us from harm can sometimes become overprotective. Instead of providing a safeguard, fear can immobilize us and have a tremendous impact on our decision making.
In some ways, overprotective fear is similar to an overprotective parent who means well, but can be over involved and smothering. The child in this case would likely grow up having difficulty in claiming his or her life in a meaningful way.
Fear of this magnitude can be debilitating, paralyzing, and ultimately influencing the decisions we make. When fear has taken over our lives, we can shrivel up and wither, go to battle with it or we can talk to our fear and give it some reassurance that we are looking after ourselves.
What I am suggesting is that you have a heart-to-heart talk with your fear. In the most open and honest way of communication tell your fear how much you appreciate its efforts to always protect you, but that in this instance you can handle it on your own. Assure your fear that you've got this!
Think of it this way- The older, wiser, and healthier you is appealing to the part of you that is afraid- this could be the child in you or the wounded self. The adult version of you is now the protector and offering assurances that you are willing to face the reality of the situation and that you are going to take care of yourself as you do this. When we talk to the part of us that is scared, we are really talking to fear itself. We are in essence relating to fear as if it were our friend. With this in mind, it is important to calm our fear with soothing words, reassure it that all is well, and it will quiet down. The end result is peace with fear.
I personally like to use affirmations to calm my fears when they show up every so often. Here are 3 of my favorite short sayings:
-Let whatever happens happen.
-The past is past.
-Let what will be, be.
It is my wish that you can use this reading as a tool to help you embrace a close encounter of the friendly kind with your fear.
Thank you for reading.
