Grieve On Grief's Terms

Hello,


The death of a loved one has been described by many as the saddest and hardest pain a person can feel. Losing someone, even when anticipated, is something for which no one is ever fully prepared. But sooner or later all of us will face bereavement. For those who have grieved and have come out on the other side, they know all too well there is no way around grief except through it. To grieve deeply is to live with an inescapable awareness that life has changed and you are not the same because of it. However deep your emotional wound, one thing is for sure: You have a choice on how you cope with your loss. As a griever, what you do with your grief is a very individual and personal choice that only you can make.

As someone who has grieved first hand and has served as a companion to those who journey through death and loss, I share lessons and basic truths on how to live through this experience with strength and vulnerability. But first, it is extremely important that you understand what it means to grieve well: Letting yourself grieve on grief's terms.

*Face your grief with honesty and acceptance; doing so is indicative of grieving well and will allow you to slowly find your way to heal.

*Grieving well is not about avoiding your pain and sadness, but of managing it each day as it comes.

*No two people will grieve the same loss in the same way. We each move through the experience of grief at our own pace.

*You will have successes along with struggles, but above all, you will have resilience to get through loss. We have the capacity to HEAL.

*Face your pain for it is the ONLY way to get better; doing so will not destroy you.

*Bottom line: You cannot heal if you can't feel your pain.

*The initial reaction to loss may be shock and numbness; you may experience forgetfulness, poor concentration, distraction, anger, overwhelming sadness, guilt, exhaustion, emptiness and feel lost. Remember, there is not a normal way to grieve.

*Give your grief a voice and share your story as many times as you need to.

*You must know that as a griever, you have a broken heart not a broken mind.

*The immense pain you feel now does not last forever; it will lift.

*Grieve as deeply as you must, but don't hold on to it as a measure of your love for the deceased. Let the pain subside and leave when the time is right.

*Grief has no specific time line so give yourself the necessary time you need with no expectations about when it will end.

*It has been said by many who have been down this road that grief does not leave you, but rather, you leave it to some extent and only when you are ready.

*It's "over" when you are able to live your life as "normal" as possible in the absence of that loved one.

*Be aware of the various distractions people use to disconnect from the self to numb their pain. These may include abuse of substances, medications, or overeating to name just a few.

*Create healthy outlets to deal with your grief. These may include: use of prayer, meditation, exercise, journaling, self-refection, and seeking others whom you trust to talk about your loss and its meaning.

*Nourish the emotional, physical and spiritual side of grief that can help you restore a healthy pattern of living.

*Grief is hard and you need not go at it alone. An essential step to grieving well is knowing it's okay to ask for help. A support group and/or an intimate network of family and friends can bring comfort and reassurance as well as much needed validation. Remember, we are wounded in the context of our relationships with others and we are healed in the same way. Loving and supportive relationships can help us through our journey.

*Talking and crying are self-healing tools for the bereaved and plays a significant part in recovery. Letting it out is your best medicine for healing.

*A journey through grief begins with pain and for many becomes one of healing. When we lose someone through death, we hold on to the relationship through our suffering. Learning to let go of the pain allows us to return to a relationship with the deceased through love. It is then, we can be comforted knowing the deceased loved one continues to live in our hearts, thoughts, and memories.

*Your healing process may bring forth an understanding that death ends a life, but not a relationship.

*Although your grief may not go away completely, it does change. Your healing is not a cure, but more of a coming to terms with your new reality that allows you to live more in the present and without constant pain.

*Certain aspects of your pain and symptoms of grief may resurface. If so, let this be okay.

*In time, you will learn to live with the difference that is now.

I have learned from both personal and professional experiences that no one who lets themselves grieve on grief's terms remains the same. We the bereaved have become stronger, and more at peace with our vulnerability as a direct result of our grief. For the newly bereaved, don't give up hope. Have faith that you will get through this too. And as you go through what may feel as endless grief, consider the recovery slogans of Alcoholics Anonymous "One day at a time" and "Easy does it, but do it," to help carry you from one moment to the next.

Final words...

In writing about grief, I am honoring the memory of my beloved brother who died on April 2, 2003. He was my younger brother and someone I loved with my heart and soul. I miss him everyday of my life and always will. I've learned to be okay knowing that a part of me will always grieve, most especially when his anniversary date approaches. Weeks before the actual day, my body starts to remind me of my old yet familiar grief and soon thereafter, my mind catches up and I am back there, though not like the first time in my first go around. My sadness is not as intense, but it is grief nonetheless. I must say that the anticipation of the anniversary day is much worse than the actual day. In fact, on the actual day I feel inner peace because it is then that my sadness lifts. On that very important day I may feel sad, but what carries me is my love for him. Here's the paradox of grief: Grieving on grief's terms will make possible for you to continue to have a connection with the deceased that is based on love and not just pain. My personal journey has taught me that love has no boundaries and exists regardless of space and time.
Having an understanding of what is going on inside of me and letting it out helps immensely. Grieving on grief's terms allowed me to see that life has changed, but it has not ended. When sorrow comes, I remember that I have experienced joy and will again. My brother loved to laugh and enjoyed life and so part of my healing has been to try to integrate these two best parts of him into my life. I am happy to say I'm getting better at it. I have grown in ways I could not have imagined. It is true that we can grow in spite of our pain and often as a response to it. For me, grieving well has given me the gift to live more fully because of it and there lies the meaning of my suffering.

When your time comes may you give yourself permission to grieve on grief's terms, and as you go through your journey, remember the words by Thomas Campbell, "To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die."

Love and Live Well

Stop...and smell the flowers

Hello

"Don't hurry, don't worry. You're only here for a short visit. So be sure to stop and smell the flowers." ~ Walter Hagen

I love this quote for its simplicity, truthfulness and the wisdom it carries. As I see it, this is great advice on how we should live. Stopping to smell the flowers is truly a wonderful tool for living that really does make possible finding satisfaction in life. It is simply another way of looking at life that can actually help us to slow down, live in the moment, appreciate more the beauty around us and have greater awareness of what is. Sounds like a philosophy of life we should all aspire to, but the truth is, a lot of us, myself included, struggle to consistently put into practice. Despite my well intended efforts, I find I must remind myself often to remember to take time to stop and smell the flowers. Thankfully, when I do forget, my husband and daughter are right there to help me see what's really important.

In the hustle and bustle of daily life, we are moving so quickly, often reacting on autopilot with self and others, that it's easy to lose our focus on that which is close and dear to our heart. Naturally, when this happens, we fail to see and appreciate the day-to-day little things that are precious in our lives.

Conversely, if we just slow down and pay attention to what is inside, in front of and around us, we will take notice of what matters most. I've found that it's helpful to keep repeating and hearing myself say " Stop and smell the flowers," again and again. This strategy helps me to keep my priorities in order. It reminds me that indeed I have a choice of what I give my attention to. For instance, I can choose to worry, complain, overthink or stress out over things I have no control over or I can try to put my troubles in perspective, and not take life and myself too seriously. Better yet, I can learn to enjoy my short life here on earth no matter what.

Of course, it goes without saying that we must continuously look at the way we are living. In all honesty, I can tell you that I am able to enjoy more of what life has to offer simply because I am aware of it. Just like everything else that we learn in life, enjoying simple pleasures takes practice and consistent effort. The fact of the matter is that we must be willing to approach life with open hearts and eyes to see how extraordinary it really is. Moreover, we must understand that focusing on what is rather than what lies ahead or what has been, is what makes smelling the flowers along the way possible. I will admit, I am by no means a natural at this process, however, what helps is my willingness to adjust and readjust my attitude as is needed. It's not easy, but it's worth it.

The time to start is now because as you know, life goes by very fast. Once the time passes, it's gone forever and those special moments that you missed you will not get back. One of the things that I do to stay on track of the small beautiful details of my life is to try to live each day being conscious of my mortality. Yes, remembering that I will die helps me to not take my life for granted. Perhaps Dr. Gordon Livingston, in his book, Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart, said it best: "Only by embracing our mortality can we be happy in the time we have."

Do the things that you want to do, Now! It does matter, because life is short. No matter how busy your life may be, don't forget to stop and smell the flowers. While you are planning your life, pursuing your dreams and goals, keep in mind that the real challenge is being aware of what we already have. I realize this is a lot easier said than done. It is one thing to know it and quite another to live it. Like many folks, I am prone to forget that I have much to be grateful for. I sometimes get bogged down with the nonsense of everyday life and become distracted, impatient, and easily frustrated. I too, lose sight of the "big picture." Luckily, once I see my behavior for what it is, I am able to change perspective.

On other point I want to emphasize is how much we tend to focus on what we want and still need in our lives. What if instead our focus was on already having? Isn't it all a matter of perception? I am convinced that changing what we focus on does make a real difference in our lives. You may want to consider this.

Life is a terrible thing to waste. Don't miss out on it. We must do our best to live in the present. Stop worrying about the future and instead, look for all the positive influencers in your life today. We know that life is hard and it's not always fair, but life is also beautiful, good and precious. There are many reasons for us to stop and smell the flowers.

Here's how:

*Spend time with those you love and give them your full attention.
*Engage in daily rituals to quiet the body and mind through: journaling, exercise, yoga, meditation, prayer, walks, and silence to enjoy the gift of reflection.
*Give yourself a free day to just be.
*Get out and enjoy nature.
*Have fun; be silly and laugh much.
*Sing and dance without a care.
*Enjoy the arts. It's a great way to soften the heart.
*Open your heart to love and don't be afraid to need the ones you love.
*Tell the people you love how much you care.
*Have meaningful connections with family and friends.
*Attend family gatherings and remember special celebrations.
*Love your pets and take lessons from them on how to live in the moment.
*Take in a beautiful sunrise and enjoy the sunset.
*Listen to your breath and smile knowing that breath is life.
*Stop being so serious and lighten up.
*Live just for today and enjoy life while you still can.
*Whatever you do, take the time to acknowledge life around you every day.

I'd like to leave you with these two simple yet powerful messages:

"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things."
                                                             ~ Robert Brault

"Man is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived."
                                                             ~ Dalai Lama



Enjoy!